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Debate and Discourse: AWESOME POST in "Strange and Embarrassing Moments - A Thread That Will Li

Armored GorillaArmored Gorilla Registered User regular
Armored Gorilla has reported a post.

Reason:
Maybe he's been overrepresented in AP lately and that's why this hasn't been reported yet. Maybe we should just have an Awesome Pony forum. But are we READY for that? I don't know ... I just don't know.
Forum: Debate and Discourse
Post: Strange and Embarrassing Moments - A Thread That Will Live In Infamy
Posted by: Pony


Original Content:
so here's a fun one, in which i also admit to actually committing a crime

hooray!

many years ago, i had a buddy who had a terrible falling out with his room-mate at the time. the particulars of their drama do not need specifying at this time, but needless to say the beef between the two men was heavy.

and i stood firmly on the side of my friend, who i believed stood on the morally correct side of their difficult circumstances.

anyway, so my friend moves out of his apartment with this asshole. he wants to get some serious revenge against this fucker, and tries to talk me into doing it for him as he lacks the gumption and doesn't want to get in further shit directly.

i decline initially, but he eventually offers me more than a few bucks to do something petty and spiteful to the guy.

he doesn't want me to assault the man, or vandalize his car or anything.

he wants me to upper-deck the guy's toilet. for those unfamiliar with the concept, to "upper-deck" a toilet is to take a shit in the tank, instead of in the bowl. the effect of this is that when the toilet is flushed, the shit in the tank (the looser the better) will flow directly into the bowl, clogging up the internals of his toilet with shit and making it nearly impossible to clean, stinking to high heaven.

it's a horrific prank to pull on someone and something you should never, ever do to someone you consider a friend.

to someone who did some really terrible shit to a friend of mine and got away with it, though? seems exactly the right sort of petty and spiteful i will take a couple bucks to enforce.

so, he gives me a key to his old apartment, assuming the dude hasn't changed the locks yet. tells me to target apartment 201, and what time the guy will be out at work and stuff.

i spend a day preparing for the day, eating a diet specifically chosen to produce a maximized effect.

i show up at the correct time. in a payphone at the plaza nearby, i call the target's home phone number to make sure he isn't home, and get no answer.

i go up to apartment, and i knock on the door. no answer. i wait, and knock again. no answer. i try the key, but it doesn't work. dude probably changed the locks already, i assume, and i figure the plan is going to fail.

but, i actually try the knob just in case dude forgot to lock his door, which people in apartment buildings sometimes do.

it's unlocked! awesome.

i enter apartment, and take a look around. i call out "Hello?" again making sure nobody is around (ready to peel out in a second if anyone responds).

satisfied that nobody is home, i go into the bathroom, take the cover off the tank, and do my evil work.

i finish up and head out, taking great care to otherwise show no signs of my presence or my entry.

i walk downstairs (as opposed to using the elevator, the way i came in) and i start to realize that i am walking down too many stairs.

there... there shouldn't be this many stairs to get down from the second floor...

wait a fucking minute. did... did i...?

i walk back up to the second floor, to room 201. i try the door. locked. shaking as i realize the severity of what i have done, i draw the key and try the lock. the key works.

i poke into the apartment, and take a glance around, hoping to god i am just second-guessing myself

it isn't the same apartment.

somehow, when i was in the elevator when i first showed up, i must have pressed the button for the third floor instead of the second.

the poor residents of apartment 301 had just been upper-decked by a perfect stranger for no conceivable reason.

the thought occurs to me to at least try to correct the mistake by hitting the target i was supposed to hit, but, alas, my supply is expended.

filled with fear and embarrassment, i locked the apartment up and took off

i told my friend the truth of what happened and returned the key to him, and the money to him, and refused to go back to that apartment to finish the job out of fear that somehow, i would be recognized or something.

moral of the story: if you are going to be some kind of fecal hired assassin, pay attention to your surroundings!

Armored Gorilla on
"I'm a mad god. The Mad God, actually. It's a family title. Gets passed down from me to myself every few thousand years."

Posts

  • TheRealBadgerTheRealBadger Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
  • ButtcleftButtcleft Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Jesus christ Pony.

    Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

    that's it, I'm shutting this entire forum down, everyone thank buttcleft
  • DarmakDarmak Godking of the Snerkywizards Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    PIZTDhW.jpg
  • CangoFettCangoFett Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    The couple that lived there had teh BEST fight that night


    "Geeze Tim, whats that smell?"

    "Whaddya mean?"

    "Whatd I say about eating beans when youre at the bar, OH ITS AWFUL"

    "Martha I havent been to the bar in 2 weeks"

    Long story short, they get a divorce over the upperdeck.


    Good job pony. Those 2 had kids.

  • spcmnspffspcmnspff Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Until today I associated Upperdeck with hockey cards. It was a simpler time.

  • ElJeffeElJeffe Super Moderator, Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited April 2009
    Fairly predictable, but told with gusto.

    Three stars.

    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

    I make tweet.
  • OlivawOlivaw good name, isn't it? peach treesRegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I had never heard this one before

    Christ all fucking mighty Pony

    I am laughing too hard at this

    7u0YG.gif
    PSN ID : DetectiveOlivaw | TWITTER | SCREENED | STEAM ID | BUY SOME STUFF!
  • NerdtendoNerdtendo Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Oh man, just imagine... If the person that lived in that apartment is a gamer, and they're also a fan of these forums...

    Next week, this thread will receive a post:
    YOU MOTHER FUCKER

    IHZR47b.png
  • Speed RacerSpeed Racer I'm Speed Racer and I drive real fast. I drive real fast, I'm gonna last.Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Nerdtendo wrote: »
    Oh man, just imagine... If the person that lived in that apartment is a gamer, and they're also a fan of these forums...

    Next week, this thread will receive a post:
    YOU MOTHER FUCKER

    That's the only way this could possibly be better.

    speedsig2_zps388d2098.jpg
  • KazakaKazaka Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Fecal hired assassin.
    ...His words people. Godly.

    Assassin's Creed 3: The Upper Deck
    Setting - modernity, in which you "upper deck" the toilets of famous figures for graet justice

    ... They ate, slept and worked. Some of them found uninteresting partners at work who they married and came home to. Sometimes they would half-heartededly thrust into each other and children were made. They lived a middle class existence until their deaths to heart disease and cancer.
  • PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    god this forum is making me look like such a terrible person

  • TL DRTL DR Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
  • ButtcleftButtcleft Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Pony wrote: »
    god this forum is making me look like such a terrible person

    No, its you speaking that makes you look like a terrible person.

    that's it, I'm shutting this entire forum down, everyone thank buttcleft
  • SkeithSkeith I've been a little bit naughty.Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I'm going to have to steal that last line.

    mts wrote: »
    heres how i see it being a total win situation for you
    1. stay with your wife while she dog sits. this wins husband points since she knows its out of your comfort zone
    2. have sex all over her friends house so that the next time you see her friend look at you condescendingly, you can wink back knowing you did the freaky deaky where she eats her cheerios.
  • L|amaL|ama Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Why do people not keep the link to the post in quote sigs? It infuriates me. The BBCode is right there, ready to be used!

  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited April 2009
    5'd for Pony awesomeness.

  • tsmvengytsmvengy Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
  • bwaniebwanie Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Fecal hired assasin implies that he killed someone in return for some poo.

  • Mr_AnonymousMr_Anonymous Registered User
    edited April 2009
    I have rarely laughed so hard.

  • CJTheranCJTheran Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I am barely containing my laughter in the middle of class goddamnit.

  • DarklyreDarklyre Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I cannot give less than 5 for anything Pony does.

    It's like he's paying for all the karma of his past lives or something.

  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited April 2009
    His past lives? Pony is single handedly paying for all of our karma.

    Gasp.

    Pony is Jesus!

  • KazakaKazaka Registered User
    edited April 2009
    His past lives? Pony is single handedly paying for all of our karma.

    Gasp.

    Pony is Jesus!

    No surprise there

    What took you so long?

    I'm working on a new New Testament that highlights the miracles performed by Pony.

    It will include the Incest Parable, Thine Seed Shalt Not Be Explelled By Tickling, and The Mistaken Pooping.

    ... They ate, slept and worked. Some of them found uninteresting partners at work who they married and came home to. Sometimes they would half-heartededly thrust into each other and children were made. They lived a middle class existence until their deaths to heart disease and cancer.
  • DarmakDarmak Godking of the Snerkywizards Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Kazaka wrote: »
    I'm working on a new New Testament that highlights the miracles performed by Pony.

    It will include the Incest Parable, Thine Seed Shalt Not Be Explelled By Tickling, and The Mistaken Pooping.

    Okay, I take back what I said about you not being funny, that's fucking hilarious.

    PIZTDhW.jpg
  • RyadicRyadic Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    5 brown stars, if only for the "fecal hired assassin" comment. That sounds like an awesome job! :^:

    steam_sig.png
  • ScrubletScrublet Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Darmak wrote: »
    Kazaka wrote: »
    I'm working on a new New Testament that highlights the miracles performed by Pony.

    It will include the Incest Parable, Thine Seed Shalt Not Be Explelled By Tickling, and The Mistaken Pooping.

    Okay, I take back what I said about you not being funny, that's fucking hilarious.

    I like how all of these have been brought to light to this subforum in just over a week. Holy shit where does it end?

    subedii wrote: »
    I hear PC gaming is huge off the coast of Somalia right now.
  • DarklyreDarklyre Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Scrublet wrote: »
    Darmak wrote: »
    Kazaka wrote: »
    I'm working on a new New Testament that highlights the miracles performed by Pony.

    It will include the Incest Parable, Thine Seed Shalt Not Be Explelled By Tickling, and The Mistaken Pooping.

    Okay, I take back what I said about you not being funny, that's fucking hilarious.

    I like how all of these have been brought to light to this subforum in just over a week. Holy shit where does it end?

    When Pony dies, his last will and testament is going to contain a section full of apologies for all the people whose toilets he has defiled and incestuous cousins he couldn't (or wouldn't :winky:) stop.

    It will be the most awkward will reading ever.

  • KazakaKazaka Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Darklyre wrote: »
    Scrublet wrote: »
    Darmak wrote: »
    Kazaka wrote: »
    I'm working on a new New Testament that highlights the miracles performed by Pony.

    It will include the Incest Parable, Thine Seed Shalt Not Be Explelled By Tickling, and The Mistaken Pooping.

    Okay, I take back what I said about you not being funny, that's fucking hilarious.

    I like how all of these have been brought to light to this subforum in just over a week. Holy shit where does it end?

    When Pony dies, his last will and testament is going to contain a section full of apologies for all the people whose toilets he has defiled and incestuous cousins he couldn't (or wouldn't :winky:) stop.

    It will be the most awkward will reading ever.

    And the deceased would also like this to be read:

    "Oh, and hey Mark...sorry about the whole 'not reaching you in time to halt you in the process of getting freaky-deeky, funky, and/or buck-wild with your cousin' thing.

    But 'ey, I'm dead now, so we pretty much break even, right?"

    ... They ate, slept and worked. Some of them found uninteresting partners at work who they married and came home to. Sometimes they would half-heartededly thrust into each other and children were made. They lived a middle class existence until their deaths to heart disease and cancer.
  • Caramilk_ninjaCaramilk_ninja Registered User
    edited May 2009
    Pony, I am loving you right now. You are fucking awesome.

  • TeeManTeeMan BrainSpoon Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Pony pulls through with the gags once more :lol:

    steam_sig.png
    PSN - hellisforheroes
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