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Debate and Discourse: AWESOME POST in "Strange and Embarrassing Moments - A Thread That Will Li

Armored GorillaArmored Gorilla Registered User regular
Armored Gorilla has reported a post.

Maybe he's been overrepresented in AP lately and that's why this hasn't been reported yet. Maybe we should just have an Awesome Pony forum. But are we READY for that? I don't know ... I just don't know.
Forum: Debate and Discourse
Post: Strange and Embarrassing Moments - A Thread That Will Live In Infamy
Posted by: Pony

Original Content:
so here's a fun one, in which i also admit to actually committing a crime


many years ago, i had a buddy who had a terrible falling out with his room-mate at the time. the particulars of their drama do not need specifying at this time, but needless to say the beef between the two men was heavy.

and i stood firmly on the side of my friend, who i believed stood on the morally correct side of their difficult circumstances.

anyway, so my friend moves out of his apartment with this asshole. he wants to get some serious revenge against this fucker, and tries to talk me into doing it for him as he lacks the gumption and doesn't want to get in further shit directly.

i decline initially, but he eventually offers me more than a few bucks to do something petty and spiteful to the guy.

he doesn't want me to assault the man, or vandalize his car or anything.

he wants me to upper-deck the guy's toilet. for those unfamiliar with the concept, to "upper-deck" a toilet is to take a shit in the tank, instead of in the bowl. the effect of this is that when the toilet is flushed, the shit in the tank (the looser the better) will flow directly into the bowl, clogging up the internals of his toilet with shit and making it nearly impossible to clean, stinking to high heaven.

it's a horrific prank to pull on someone and something you should never, ever do to someone you consider a friend.

to someone who did some really terrible shit to a friend of mine and got away with it, though? seems exactly the right sort of petty and spiteful i will take a couple bucks to enforce.

so, he gives me a key to his old apartment, assuming the dude hasn't changed the locks yet. tells me to target apartment 201, and what time the guy will be out at work and stuff.

i spend a day preparing for the day, eating a diet specifically chosen to produce a maximized effect.

i show up at the correct time. in a payphone at the plaza nearby, i call the target's home phone number to make sure he isn't home, and get no answer.

i go up to apartment, and i knock on the door. no answer. i wait, and knock again. no answer. i try the key, but it doesn't work. dude probably changed the locks already, i assume, and i figure the plan is going to fail.

but, i actually try the knob just in case dude forgot to lock his door, which people in apartment buildings sometimes do.

it's unlocked! awesome.

i enter apartment, and take a look around. i call out "Hello?" again making sure nobody is around (ready to peel out in a second if anyone responds).

satisfied that nobody is home, i go into the bathroom, take the cover off the tank, and do my evil work.

i finish up and head out, taking great care to otherwise show no signs of my presence or my entry.

i walk downstairs (as opposed to using the elevator, the way i came in) and i start to realize that i am walking down too many stairs.

there... there shouldn't be this many stairs to get down from the second floor...

wait a fucking minute. did... did i...?

i walk back up to the second floor, to room 201. i try the door. locked. shaking as i realize the severity of what i have done, i draw the key and try the lock. the key works.

i poke into the apartment, and take a glance around, hoping to god i am just second-guessing myself

it isn't the same apartment.

somehow, when i was in the elevator when i first showed up, i must have pressed the button for the third floor instead of the second.

the poor residents of apartment 301 had just been upper-decked by a perfect stranger for no conceivable reason.

the thought occurs to me to at least try to correct the mistake by hitting the target i was supposed to hit, but, alas, my supply is expended.

filled with fear and embarrassment, i locked the apartment up and took off

i told my friend the truth of what happened and returned the key to him, and the money to him, and refused to go back to that apartment to finish the job out of fear that somehow, i would be recognized or something.

moral of the story: if you are going to be some kind of fecal hired assassin, pay attention to your surroundings!

Armored Gorilla on
"I'm a mad god. The Mad God, actually. It's a family title. Gets passed down from me to myself every few thousand years."


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