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Cultivating a social life late in college
TwistedJester
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So here's my story, sorry that it's so long but I felt that some background is necessary. I'm currently a junior at my university, and I really haven't made any friends. I've made a lot of acquaintances from semi-regularly attending some school groups, but no real friendships. Part of the blame I think is on me for just being really introverted and uncomfortable in large groups of people. Another part of it I think is the fact that I never lived in a dorm, for the past two years I've commuted from home.
This never really bothered me until around mid fall term in my sophomore year, when I was considering moving on campus and going to counseling to deal with my lack of comfort around strangers and such, however at this time I met my now ex-girlfriend. We hit it off great, became best friends and spent nearly every day together for rest of the school year, as she hadn't made many other friends either. I didn't really focus on making other friends because I had her, and that was all that mattered to me. We got really serious, to the point where we would talk about moving in together at some point.
Then this current term came about. She made a lot of friends on her floor, and had an 18 credit course load for the first time, so she had a lot less time for me. This sort of upset me as I guess I had become dependent on her. We spent less time together, but our relationship was still ok. However in the middle of November she said she wanted to go on a break. She was going to counseling about a disorder she had, and she wanted to figure out where her stress was coming from, thus causing this disorder. So I went along with it because I had urged her to get help, and I wanted her to get better.
Then the 28th of November rolled around, our 13 month anniversary, and she broke up with me. We've been talking over the past few days, and there were a few reasons. The first of all was that she felt that she couldn't be in a relationship at the time because she couldn't be codependent, as she is still sorting out her issues in counseling.
The second was because she said she didn't feel as strongly for me as she used to. She said she still had romantic feelings for me, that she loved me more than anyone outside of her family, and that I would be the first person she would think of once she felt capable of being in a relationship, but that we couldn't stay in the current one, and that we couldn't start over now. I'm not sure, but this might be due to the fact that she felt I was too dependent on her, as I didn't really have any other friends to spend time with.
So here I am, girlfriendless, and with only one real friend, and I want to improve my social life. I want to do this partly because I realize I'll be happier if I do, partly because I want to be a better person when my ex gets things sorted out. I still hold hope for us because we had an incredibly deep relationship, and I don't want to give up on it if there's hope. I also want to do this because I don't want this dependency to become a problem with any other future girlfriends if things with my ex don't work out.
First, I feel like I need to move out of my house. I have two options, but I'm not sure which is best. I could try to move into a dorm, because I feel that if I did so, I'd have a much better opportunity at making friends just by leaving my door open and seeing the same people often. However I'm afraid I might seem kind of like a loser living in a dorm my senior year (although I'm probably going to end up being a fifth year senior). And there's also the disadvantages of dorm life, like communal bathrooms, sort of cramped living space and having to get a meal plan, and the possibility that I might not be able to do that until my senior year.
The other choice is getting an apartment near campus. The obvious advantages of this are having much nicer accommodations and being able to move much sooner. I don't think I'd have the same number of opportunities to make friends though.
Also, can anyone recommend any self-help books on developing better social skills? Or any techniques anyone used to just be more outgoing? I'm not asking for people to just tell me "Just talk to people", as I can do that, but I never have anything to say and things get awkward.
So basically, the TL;DR version, would it be better for me to move into a dorm or into an apartment in an attempt to make more friends? Can I manage to build a social life before graduating?
This never really bothered me until around mid fall term in my sophomore year, when I was considering moving on campus and going to counseling to deal with my lack of comfort around strangers and such, however at this time I met my now ex-girlfriend. We hit it off great, became best friends and spent nearly every day together for rest of the school year, as she hadn't made many other friends either. I didn't really focus on making other friends because I had her, and that was all that mattered to me. We got really serious, to the point where we would talk about moving in together at some point.
Then this current term came about. She made a lot of friends on her floor, and had an 18 credit course load for the first time, so she had a lot less time for me. This sort of upset me as I guess I had become dependent on her. We spent less time together, but our relationship was still ok. However in the middle of November she said she wanted to go on a break. She was going to counseling about a disorder she had, and she wanted to figure out where her stress was coming from, thus causing this disorder. So I went along with it because I had urged her to get help, and I wanted her to get better.
Then the 28th of November rolled around, our 13 month anniversary, and she broke up with me. We've been talking over the past few days, and there were a few reasons. The first of all was that she felt that she couldn't be in a relationship at the time because she couldn't be codependent, as she is still sorting out her issues in counseling.
The second was because she said she didn't feel as strongly for me as she used to. She said she still had romantic feelings for me, that she loved me more than anyone outside of her family, and that I would be the first person she would think of once she felt capable of being in a relationship, but that we couldn't stay in the current one, and that we couldn't start over now. I'm not sure, but this might be due to the fact that she felt I was too dependent on her, as I didn't really have any other friends to spend time with.
So here I am, girlfriendless, and with only one real friend, and I want to improve my social life. I want to do this partly because I realize I'll be happier if I do, partly because I want to be a better person when my ex gets things sorted out. I still hold hope for us because we had an incredibly deep relationship, and I don't want to give up on it if there's hope. I also want to do this because I don't want this dependency to become a problem with any other future girlfriends if things with my ex don't work out.
First, I feel like I need to move out of my house. I have two options, but I'm not sure which is best. I could try to move into a dorm, because I feel that if I did so, I'd have a much better opportunity at making friends just by leaving my door open and seeing the same people often. However I'm afraid I might seem kind of like a loser living in a dorm my senior year (although I'm probably going to end up being a fifth year senior). And there's also the disadvantages of dorm life, like communal bathrooms, sort of cramped living space and having to get a meal plan, and the possibility that I might not be able to do that until my senior year.
The other choice is getting an apartment near campus. The obvious advantages of this are having much nicer accommodations and being able to move much sooner. I don't think I'd have the same number of opportunities to make friends though.
Also, can anyone recommend any self-help books on developing better social skills? Or any techniques anyone used to just be more outgoing? I'm not asking for people to just tell me "Just talk to people", as I can do that, but I never have anything to say and things get awkward.
So basically, the TL;DR version, would it be better for me to move into a dorm or into an apartment in an attempt to make more friends? Can I manage to build a social life before graduating?
TwistedJester on
Posts
Also, there really isn't anything wrong with being a senior in the dorms, particularly if you put your situation into perspective. I've known several friends that have been in the dorms in their senior year and beyond (one friend is in his 5th year now!).
And when searching for a social life, don't look for girls, just look for people in general.
This one friend of yours has other friends, yeh? So ask him/her if you can tag along next time that group does something. If you are friendly and happy most people should end up liking you.
I would get away from the dorms as soon as possible.
Let 'em eat fucking pineapples!
Dorms are crawling with freshman and the sort of people that never socially progress beyond getting wasted in large groups and acting like assholes. They're noisy, irritating, and frustrating to live in because of the constant annoyance. You may meet a lot more people, but they're going to tend to be the kind of people that I don't think you'd really want to meet.
Man, for a while I had wondered if I had missed out on some experience not living in a dorm during my early college years (I'm a junior too). Guess not.
Yeah, that was my experience in my one year in dorms. I fucking hated it, and it actually suceeded in making me more anti-social than I was before.
Dorms are not for everyone, nor are they universally beneficial for everyone. For someone like the OP who describes himself as being pretty unconformatble in large groups of people, moving into a dorm doesn't sound like a very good plan. At my schools, Dorms were probably 85% first year students, and maybe the rest second year students.
OP, what are you interests? I would be very suprised if there wasn't a club or society at your school for at least one or two of them. While going to club meetings and the like can bring on some of that unease in large groups of people, you have part of the work already done, as presumably everyone there already has some degree of interest in the subject of the club.
I don't know if American universities have Student Unions or the like, but at the universities I went to in Canada, you could usually go to the information office the Studen Union building and get a list of the various clubs, when they meet, contact information and the like.
Second, the dorm I'm thinking about moving into is the one my ex is currently living in. Here at my university there are certain dorms that are practically all freshman, and then some that are a mix. The one I'm thinking of moving into is a mix, so it won't be totally overrun with freshmen.
Thanks for all of the suggestions so far guys.
Because 9% think it's too high, and shouldn't be cut! 9% of respondents could not fully
get their arms around the question. There should be another box you can check for, "I
have utterly no idea what you're talking about. Please, God, don't ask for my input."
i was gonna recommend ultimate actually. I don' tknow what it's like up there, but down here there is no more social group of people around than the ultimate people, and they all go out of their way to include everyone
My piercings, tattoo's, hairstyle and clothes must make me look as some very approachable person. A mecca for those with no agenda. A year ago i would have killed if people tried to be my friend, but it really is not as good as you may think.
People who actively seek out friends for the purpose of being friends are not going to find people they connect with, and their insecurities about their social status make them shallow and boring people to be with.
Take my advice if you like, or dont, im not bothered either way. Dont look for friends, or a social circle. Just let it happen, the best friends you will make is from mutual interests and personalities, and the best way for this to happen is just to live as you would in the situation you are in, and let things happen that way.
This seems like it could lead to a wide variety of potential problems.
especially given this quote from your OP:
Moving into her dorm could be seen as further clingyness or whatever.
Ahh to be Zen. This is probably the way to go. Unfortunately, if you never get the CHANCE to have inevitability take effect, it will never happen. That's why some people seek out social groups. I'm all for your attitude, but there are times when you sort of "need" to seek this out.
Let 'em eat fucking pineapples!
My senor year I got involved with a "alternative spring break" thing. Great way to meet new people. There's probably a lot of such organizations on any good sized campus. In fact, there may be a office someplace in your student center that specializes in "student service" activities. Watch out though, don't get involved with the greeks!
MooMan
Also, I wanted to point out that I'm not sure if I'd even be able to move into the dorm I want to next term. I'm betting I won't be able to. And by next year when I would be able to move in, she's going to be in another dorm or a suite somewhere else on campus, so that won't even matter.
I'd also like to say that I am in some campus groups, however I really haven't gone out of my way to make more than acquaintances. Next term I'm going to try to solidify some of these into actual relationships.
It's hard to have a really solid relationship when you're not OK by yourself. It's hard enough in this world to support yourself without having the stress of someone else being completely emotionally dependent on you. It sounds like this girl does love you, but you've got to start realizing that she's not gonna make you happy in the long run without you being happy without her. I'd say try as much as possible to avoid including her in your visions of the future.
That said, best of luck, dude. It'll work out. My best advice is to try and get over your fears, because, fuck it, what have you got to lose? Make the best of it. College can be loads of fun, even if you're not into the loud/drunk/masses of people thing. Get this girl off your mind, start trying to let her go, and, before you know it, you'll find that it feels a hell of a lot better.
You and I live in different worlds then.
I'm in a dorm room and my floor is crazy. We've had late night discussions on thoreau, the war in iraq, john stewart mill and a wide variety of other subjects. We play games, stop and end up talking about this shit, often going till 2 or 3 am.
This happens once or twice a week.
Yeah, the 2nd floor is filled with fucktard freshman, but not all dorms are like what you described.
I have to honestly say: there's always at least one other nerd in every dorm. Find that nerd and play smash. Now. I'm a junior, but this is the first time I've had cool people in my dorm. They are out there...just gotta find out which dorms are less stupid.