Gutter

bebarce

So a while ago I started writing a comic book script. It's something that i've picked up and stopped and picked up again several times.

I imagine that my grammar and pronunciation is still terrible, but I know that is something i'm going to have to revisit.

I'm curious to see what you think of the story content and dialogue though. It may be a difficult request since this is only one issue.

Grid System

You need to put samples of your work in your post, otherwise you won't get any useful replies. We don't follow links.

Also, it's "grammar".

bebarce

Thanks. I've corrected the spelling.

The script is 12 pages long. Should I post it in its entirety?

Grid System

That's up to you. Longer stuff tends to be less inviting because of the time investment involved, so you may want to just post the opening scene (if that's an option) to start.

bebarce

I

Grid System

I can't really speak to the comic-related stuff, because I don't know the first thing about comics.

As for the internal monologue, it needs work.

THERE IS SOMETHING INHERINTLY WRONG ABOUT TRYING TO PROCESS INFORMATION AT 5AM IN THE MORNING.

"Five AM" means the same thing as "five in the morning". Now, this sort of mistake/idiosyncrasy wouldn't be out of place in a stream-of-consciousness, but the monologue feels less like that, and more like some kind of non-vocal communication at the reader (which is problematic in itself, but I'll get to that later).

Also, "inherently".

COLLEGE DORMS ALWAYS HAVE A FUNK THAT NEVER DISAPATES THROUGH THE THIN CRACK IN THE ROLL WINDOWS.

Dissipates

PEPPERMINT SHOULDN’T SMELL THAT BAD, BUT GIVEN THE ODDITITY OF IT’S PRESENCE YOUR MIND CREATES HORRIBLE SCENARIOS AS TO ITS SOURCE.

No apostrophe

LAST TIME I CALLED HIM BY HIS REAL NAME HE HISSED AND CAST A CURSE THAT I BELIEVE INTENDED TO MAKE MY PUBIC HAIR TURN AN ODD SHADE OF PINK.

Poor word choice. Curses aren't conscious entities, and cannot themselves have intention. "Was intended" would work, but is rather formal.

As a general point, the monologue doesn't feel authentic. People don't think that way. Thoughts sort of flit through their minds, wheeling off in random directions and taking the mind to places one may not expect. The deliberate and long sentences make it feel at though it is not the character himself thinking, but rather you communicating at me through the character.

Something better may be:

Five AM. Not a time for thinking. Not even light yet. Darkness and sleep. No. No. Gotta get up. Can't be late.

God, that smell. Smells. Too many. They never go away. Not the weed, not the sweat. Smells like sex. Shit and... peppermint? The hell? Paul's skanky goth girls and scented lube.

No, not Paul: Ravenscar.

Etc.

bebarce

I believe in standard story telling inner monologues occur seperate from narration. But with comic books often times i've seen the narrator be the character. It uses his voice. Perhaps monologue is then not an appropriate term. Seeing your review though, I definitely just stop what i'm doing and return to the drawing board. I'm not sure why spell check didn't catch any of that (perhaps the all caps?).

Squirminator2k

Comics need to be less wordy. That second page is wordy as Hell, and your artist would have a tough time trying to squeeze that in to each panel. It's going to look like a Ctrl+Alt+Delete comic, only with less art.

Also, don't write dialogue or captions in all-caps. It's incredibly difficult to read in script format. The all-caps thing happens during the lettering process so don't worry about it. You can all-caps onomatopoeia, but don't bother with dialogue and caption boxes.

bebarce

Thanks I will take that into consideration and try to cut down on the actual dialogue some. I thought that if I were using boxes for these "monologues" that I would be able to be wordy, but I definitely don't want to come off like CAD. I'll see what I can do about trimming it down some.

Squirminator2k

Cool. I'm guilty of being wordy too - Jump Leads #1 and #2 are dialogue heavy because I originally wrote them for television and didn't think to trim the dialogue for the new format, and most recently Euan Mumford (who wrote issue #3) ran into the same problem. I learnt a lot writing a comic with someone else recently.

That's something I'd recommend - find someone you know with experience reading (or, ideally, writing) comic book scripts and see if they don't mind having a look at what you've written. I mean, don't bombard them with stuff (I get a lot of stories and scripts sent to me by well-meaning friends who want me to give them critical feedback, to the point where I've had to start saying "No") but I shouldn't think there's a problem with the occasional "D'you mind if".

Or, y'know, post more stuff here. That works too.

I look forward to seeing what else you come up with