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Okay, let me set this up a bit here - just a warning though, it's going to get pretty long.
Almost three months ago my girlfriend, at the time, that I was living with and I received a notice that our lease would not be renewed by the management staff at our apartment complex. This caused my then girlfriend to start questioning a lot of things about remaining with me and start talking with her father about her options and what she should do. He advised her to stop living with me and move in with her mother again. She wasn't too sure about it and started looking for a new place with me, but started voicing doubts about her willingness to stay with me.
We've been together almost five years and have lived together for about four of those years, so this isn't exactly a short relationship by any means. I thought that she would actually decide that staying with me would be the best course of action and that she would work as hard as I would to keep the relationship going as it was. I really should have thought more on how she reacted to hard times in the past.
You see, she left me to stay with her mother three separate times (two times within the span of six months our first year living together and another about a year ago) because of not being able to deal with being on her own. The first time was blamed upon me staying up all night with friends playing games and such... this being the first time it ever happened and she became quite unruly about it. The next time isn't so clear to me, but the third was because the room mate we had at the time was an utter slob and she couldn't stand to be in the same apartment as him, so decided leaving me was the best course of action.
Now, with that kind of precedent set, I still didn't believe she would do it again. Mainly because I had told her that if she left me once more that I wouldn't stand for it and wouldn't take her back again. It wasn't a threat, but a true promise because I was pretty much torn apart each time that she left before. I also wasn't going to beg for her to come back to me as I did those three times. I know, kinda the wrong thing to do in retrospect, but besides those three occasions she was a wonderful person to be with. You can kinda guess where at least this part of my story is going by now.
Well, as all of this deciding on her part is going on an old friend of mine shows back up in my life, basically popping in on me at my job with her daughter in tow to purchase Twilight. I hadn't even spoke with her for about four years before this, but had known her since about June of 1998. Much longer than I have my now non-girlfriend. My friend apologizes for what caused us to lose contact and we get back as good of friends as we always were just like nothing ever happened.
As time goes on and our move out date moves day by day closer, I still believe that my then gf will remain with me, but I tell my friend about the backstory of my relationship with said gf and she advises me that I should really consider just dropping her. I don't believe that's the best course of action and continue to wait it out and see what my gf decides to do. Her and I look at a few places and choose one that we like and even get the move-in fees settled and a date chose to move our stuff.
Well, two days after that I get woken up by her rummaging in the room, packing her things. It was about two and a half months until our move out date, so I knew it wasn't for that. With the last time her leaving me basically being done behind my back while I was at work, I started getting a bit worried that she had decided to leave after all. So, I confront her about it (having had only about three hours of sleep) and try to get her to talk to me. Nothing doing, she won't say a word about it, only that she believes that it is best for us and that it should be done. I try to get her to talk about why she thinks this is best and remind her that we could very well make it if we just work together and make a few sacrifices, nothing is impossible if we both want it and try our best to attain it. She's not having any of that though and remains set in her course of action.
I'm not looking too fondly on this and decide that I want to let her know that, if she goes through with this, I'm not going to want to remain with her and also that I don't have a parent to go running to as she does and will be practically out on the street. That doesn't phaze her one bit and she finishes packing what she needs for the night and leaves out the door. I'm utterly devastated and call up some friends of mine (not related at all to the girl I mentioned earlier) to see if I can go there. I am barely able to speak though because I'm just crying so very much. My friend demands (being worried about me) that I go there right away and I just head on out there.
I discuss things with them a bit and they tell me I can live with them until things are sorted out for me. This relieves my worry about where I will live, but still leaves me with the decision of whether or not I will stay with my gf and see her at her mothers place and wait out whatever it is that she believes needs to be waited out.
I start talking with the aforementioned friend a lot more often while staying at my friend's place and she says that I should follow through with what I originally said I would do and just drop my gf and start moving on. However, I'm pretty conflicted about this at the time and really don't want to just throw away a relationship that lasted almost five years with many great times within them.
Well, here is where I start getting into my whole dilemma, now that I've more than amply set the background for it. You see, the friend I talked about is married and has been for a little under ten years, though I have known her for almost eleven now. With all that has been going on with my kinda ex-gf I have been feeling a bit out of sorts and maybe a bit too vulnerable as well. My friend and I are really close and talk very often to each other with her calling me up multiple times during the day while she is at work and me doing the same. We also see each other fairly often - going out to lunch together or just hanging out at her house with her family there. Nothing physical goes on between us, but there is an awful lot of time spent together. Her husband doesn't like to talk with her much, but they have a pretty good understanding of one another and are doing pretty well.
She has told me on multiple occasions though that there is nothing her husband could do that would cause her to give up a friend or stop seeing said friend. She has also told me, while talking privately in her room one day, that her and her husband have an open relationship and that if she was ever to find someone that she wished to sleep with he wouldn't think anything of it at all. This came out of the blue, though we were talking about different things about how he spends a lot of time playing WoW and generally keeping to himself.
She has also never taken him up on the offer and doesn't believe she would. I've been left wondering why she decided to grace me with such information if this was the case. Anyhow, that's only part of the picture here.
I recently tried seeing my sorta non-girlfriend, about a week ago this past Friday, to try and see if what she had planned for us could actually work. It was supposed to be a nice picnic together and we would share a few hours together before heading back to our respective homes. Well, when I saw her I no longer felt towards her what I always used to feel. No longer did the feeling come that I should hold her or touch her or be near her. No longer did I long to be held or kiss her or anything that used to come naturally to me when I was with her before. It was as if my heart felt that we were over and I held no feelings for her anymore besides a great desire not to inflict any pain upon her.
Well, I didn't let these feelings be known to her when I felt them and was glad I was wearing sunglasses at the time so she wouldn't see the anguish in my eyes over what I was feeling. It was very surprising to me because I had been looking forward very much to seeing her for about a week beforehand. I did cut short my visit with her and kept it to about an hour, using a lame excuse to try and get away so I could try and sort out what I felt.
I get away and immediately call up my female friend with what happened when I was in a safe enough place to do so. She tells me that I shouldn't keep this from my gf and should find some way of letting her know what I'm feeling... or, truthfully, not feeling. She then tells me she has to get back to work and she'll call me up later.
I'm totally distressed worried about what I'm going to do and end up trying my best to keep it together while driving home. Skip to the next day and I decide to tell my gf that I need to talk with her when I am off work and that we should find a good place to meet for it... I'm practically in tears though when I'm trying to give her the gist of what I want to say, but tell her it isn't exactly what she's thinking.
So, later that night I visit her at her mother's house and we talk in my car for about two hours or more. I tell her how my heart is feeling and that it really feels like all of what I had in there was just ripped out of me and that I'm in some serious pain over it. I tell her that I really don't want to break up with her at all and would like to remain with her, but, with how I'm feeling, I know it wouldn't at all be fair to her. Now, during this conversation, I'm just bawling my eyes out and she's sitting there listening. She doesn't cry at all (holds me a bit though) until I mention that she can still contact me if she wants to. Then I try to comfort her. I try my best to impart to her that my intention is not to break up with her, but to let her know what I'm feeling and not keep this from her.
It's been a little over a week since then and I'm still here at my other friend's house. I am continuing to visit my old friend and have multiple conversations with her each day. I text her a few times a day (something I've never done with anyone else) and basically wear out my phones battery talking with her most days. My problem is that I'm scared that I may be falling for her. I'm worried it's more because of what I'm feeling (loneliness, not having someone constantly there with me, not having a companion to come home to) than anything else, but am not entirely certain on that front. I tell all my friends that it is just a friendship and nothing more and it has so far remained that way.
Let me list my problems here though... I find her incredibly attractive and really always have since I met her a decade ago. I'm not the type though to act towards anyone if they are taken, especially if they are married, but the tidbit she gave me about her husbands attitude to her having extra-marital relationships leaves me confused. I've been debating for two weeks now about whether I should tell her what I'm feeling and how I see her and that I truthfully want to remain friends with her but am worried about what this is doing to me. I feel I'm starting to grow attatched to her in a way that I shouldn't be. I grow despondent if I haven't heard from her in awhile and become very happy when I'm near her or when I talk with her or get a text from her. She's able to help me not become depressed over what I'm feeling over my basically broken relationship and always can cheer me up no matter how depressed I get during the day.
I do not wish to fall in love with her for the wrong reasons nor do I wish to get in between her and her husband and would very much want to remain friends with her as we are without this complication. I feel though that I should be up front with her with what has been going on in my head and in my heart concerning her. I also feel I should tell her what I'm afraid may be happening with me. I'm writing this here because I wanted to e-mail her these parts I've placed here about my feelings and what I'm worried about and don't know if that is such a hot idea right now. I couldn't bear to have her have to stop talking with me or to see me differently than she does now with what is going on in my life at this moment. She's about the only thing keeping me sane with all the pain I'm going through and the only person I feel I can come to with my problems and feelings. I don't know what it would do to me to lose her, but I'm afraid of what may come if I tell her what I'm feeling.
She keeps telling me that I can tell her anything and that she enjoys my company very much and values my friendship dearly. She's also expressed concern if I didn't e-mail her during the day or called her at all. She's a very flirty type of person and tells me that she enjoys talking with me and continuously compares what I do with her to what her husband doesn't do with her. My biggest problem though is whether or not I should continue keeping quiet on this matter or let her know what I am afraid of happening.
I know I've written a lot and that most of you probably won't read it all so I'll try to give a short version here with a repeat of my question.
Old female friend shows up into my life after being out of it for four years. Current girlfriend and I get a notice that we have to be moved out of our apartment, said girlfriend decides that we would be best served if we lived apart for a time and dated each other rather than lived together. Old friend of mine is married, but tells me that she has a husband that doesn't mind if she sleeps with another man. Friend and I talk continuously and hang out often. Girlfriend moves out and doesn't care if I don't have a place to stay. I get a place to stay with other friends and start talking with old friend a lot more. I fall out of love with girlfriend and start fearing I'm falling in love with old friend.
I'm worried about how she would react to what I'm feeling and if I should tell her.
Thanks for your time. Hopefully this isn't too long for a first post here. (I post in G&T pretty often though)