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Let me preface this by saying sorry for the massive post.
This took place a few years back, but its worth mentioning all the same. I worked for a sword/knife/things that hurt retailer, and my boss decided out of the blue that he wanted to own a hobby shop/video game retailer/lan center. So I set about making this happen, and 3 months later we had the most rediculously posh hangout for generically depressed teenagers this side of the Mississippi. Word.
Our grand opening rolls around and the mother company (sword retailer) was doing killer business on kill bill swords, so my boss decided to book David Carradine for the grand opening. Us normal folk realized this was quite possibly the worst idea ever (hobby shops don't turn a profit THAT fast) and tried to dissuade him, but he stuck to his guns. Phone calls were made, hotels were booked, and 400 bill demon swords were purchased for him to sign. The night before the big event arrives, and David is flown in, along with his creepy fucking manager. We're all sitting around in the shop hanging out with coworkers from the mother store, our girlfriends, wives, etc. We wait for 4 hours, and what I can only describe as a lich strolls into the store, reeking of alcohol. Our celebrity was here at last. Joy.
Over the next 4 hours, David Carradine regails us with stories of his youth, how he discovered fire, sailed on the arc, etc. His manager is talking to us, and one by one, shakes hands with the guys at the shop, tricking everyone one of us into grabbing his 3 fingered hand. Dirty, creepy manager. Meanwhile, Carradine signs swords, calls my incredibly short wife a hobbit repeatedly, and gets progressively drunker before spotting some larp practice swords that some idiot had lugged in earlier, demanding that someone fight him. My boss is insane, and agrees that "fencing with bill" would be amazing shit. They "fight" for a few minutes, which is little more than David picking up the sword, swinging once or twice before breaking back into story, and then going back to more swings. His drunk mind realized at some point that the padded end of the sword wasn't doing anything to my boss, flips the sword around to the unpadded end, and proceeds to wail on my boss's nuts until he falls over. Its like a demon took over him. The wife and I have a good laugh, seeing a great opportunity to collect our shit (he mispelled both our name AND his own when signing our swords) and exit stage right for our long drive home to get a tiny amount of sleep. As we're leaving, David is suddenly in the doorway in front of us, with a giant grin on his face.
David: "Hitting the ol' dusty trail?"
Me: "Yeah, early morning and all, you know. It was great meeting you, really a treat."
David: "You too, you too. Listen, I have something to tell you before you leave, this is really important."
Me: "Yeah? Lay it on me." (Wife looking nervous)
David: "You're a young man, a lot ahead of you, and theres three things that helped me in life that you should know about. First, never leave something at what if."
Me: "Ok, keep going (nodding)"
David: "Second, this applies as you get older, never waste a hard-on."
Me: "Hehe, ok."
David: "Last, never trust a fart."
He shook my hand and walked back into the room after that. Crazy.
We arrive in the morning to a frantic mess. I really don't want to know what transpired after I left, but I ask anyways. Apparently David and crew drank every last bit of alcohol, and we had to refill the frige, or he wasn't going to show up for the grand opening. So I get a list that sounds more like someone must have taken the order over a pair of dixie cups instead of an actual phone, and proceed to scour the entire city for his "nectar of the gods". Noon rolls around and we're set to open in an hour, no sign of David. My boss calls his partner, frantically, demanding that he do something. We get a call back about 15 minutes later that he's on his way, David in tow. My boss walks over to me and informs me of this, so that I can "bolster morale" with the staff. The following transpires:
Me: "So, how did he get him to leave the hotel room?"
Boss: "Bourbon and coke, apparently."
Me: "I drove to TWELVE liquor stores and he just wanted a bourbon and coke?"
Boss: "I'm guessing he didn't mean cola."
Me: "Oh, ok."
Me: ".... OH."
I about crash through the wall getting to our other office to let everyone know just what to expect. I run in to find the guys shocking each other with tazers out of boredom. I tell my story, and everyone is running around suddenly. Awesome.
Carradine shows up, and for the better part of 3 hours, although very letcherous, and obviously drunk, he's talking to people and signing autographs, generally behaving himself. Then some wackjob comes in dressed like fucking crocodile dundee, with two bullwhips. David is a crazy hippy bastard, and wants to see the guy crack the whips. Let me preface this travesty by saying that we had a street cop stop by to see what the event was, and he was standing around talking to the dj from the local radio station that had shown up to broadcast from the event. Anyways, the guy cracks his whip, a couple people clap, etc. Well, David gets up, and says three words you never want to hear a drunk person say around ANY weapon.
"Let ME try."
He grabs the whip, tests it for a moment before cracking it with all his force through the air. The end of the whipe ERUPTS with fucking thunder, 2 inches in front of the street cops face. It looks like it took everything he had in him not to shit himself. He just kind of stopped talking, mumbled something, and walked out. We scramble to clear everything up, but the cop had already gotten the hell out of dodge. We decide its time to wrap things up for a little break, and my boss announces that he called a photographer to take some group pictures of the "team" and that we were going to gather out front. I'm sitting with a clipboard coordinating things, looking around, wondering where the next spot of terror is going to strike. We line everyone up, and the photographer decides that we should have David and my boss mock fighting with swords. I'm in the back jumping up and down, waving my arms, shaking my head, mouthing NO, over and over. My wife said I looked like I was seizuring. Crisis averted, pictures taken, event over. I surprisingly managed to go the entire day without one heart attack. Amazing.