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How to tell my friend he's a douche (or realize I'm the pot)
So my friend, he's a nice guy. Me and him go back a bit, met as teenagers, yada yada. Known each other for a while. We don't see eye to eye on everything, we have our differences of opinion, but we've gone through some shit together and we feel that we've got each other's backs. Now, lately, he's fallen head over heels for this girl, and they've been dating for a few months, right? I know, I know, it sounds like it's one of those problems, me and our other friends hanging back yelling "BROS BEFORE HOES DUDE", but it gets a bit more complicated than that.
See, I also dated said girl. For a year and a half. To say it was a messy relationship would be an understatement. It was passionate and emotional in the worst senses of the words, and kept alive longer than it should have been because of neuroses on both sides. Now, a bit less than a year after we broke up, she apparently loves my friend, whom she thought was an immature moron and didn't want me hanging out with the year before.
Now, she lives across the country. We live down near Vancouver, and she lives in Montreal, attending McGill. She was staying with her family here for a bit because she needed to sort out her life. Rather than see that as a blockade to the two of them pursuing a relationship, they instead saw it as a traversable obstacle: He intends to move across the country to be with her in roughly a month.
I do not think that is a good idea. For starters, it looks almost as though it's the relationship myself and the girl (We'll call her N for now, and my friend J) had, just on fast-forward. It's quite lovey-dovey on the surface, quite affectionate, and generally exudes the "Oh we are so in love!" air. I don't actually know what the relationship is like on the inside, owing largely to the fact that he's increasingly been blowing off get-togethers with "the guys". The fact that he drunkenly exclaimed "Y'know, bros before hoes is such a silly, high-school drama thing. I think we're mature enough to be past that." doesn't help.
He has never lived anywhere other than his parent's house thus far. He speaks no French. He knows no one in Montreal. It just does not seem like a sound idea in any regard.
I had a bad taste in my mouth when they first started hanging out and began to see one another more amorously, but I initially blew it off. I felt fairly certain that their personalities would really not result in a long-lasting relationship, and it would fall apart after a few weeks. I was content to let him make his own mistakes. Learning experiences, and all. As they approach the ride to Bad Decisionville though, I begin to worry that the personalities I felt would drive them apart would keep them unhealthily together. J has a tendency to say what he thinks people want him to say rather than what he feels, and N has a take-charge sort of attitude that can see her taking charge of people. Neither of them have a particularly good track record for healthy relationships - he's forced himself to stay in abusive relationships that saw him eventually need antidepressants for a time, and she stays due to a dedication to the fallacy of "I've put so much work in, I can't let it fall apart".
The main problem though, and what stops me from outright sitting him down and saying "You're being a douche, you're blowing people off, you're becoming addicted to passionate romance, and you're making bad life decisions." is that I'm very concerned that I may just be biased. My ego of feeling that I know both parties in the situation intimately (albeit in quite different ways) could be combined with the dissatisfaction I found with her and her character after our relationship to be blinding me to what is actually a healthy relationship between two grown adults. If I could just see it more often I might be able to judge it better, but I've only been able to get ahold of him 3 times over the last three months, which doesn't exactly make for a full picture. I know that I've also had a few bad neuroses that I've tried to get rid of, but which may be obscuring my ability to judge her character.
And even if I'm not being biased and am correct in my assessment, I don't know how to present what I know to him in a way in which his passionate loving self would be able to interpret as me not being biased. I'm heavily leaning towards being correct, though, and as such am faced with the task of "Hoooooow do I say it?" Part of me wants to just let him move and realize what a complete jackass he's been the hard way, but then there's the rest of the responsible part that says that as a friend I should really probably watch out for incredibly stupid decisions and try to stop them. It's mostly "How?" though. Mostly how.
tl;dr: friend dates ex, friend drops life for her, friend's a tool, do i need to powerpoint this for him or what