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Is telling your gf that you cheated on her the best choice? **Update page 2**

245

Posts

  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Please tell me he's in the Army. Please tell me he's in the Army.

    SammyF on
  • orgathoxxorgathoxx Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    SammyF wrote: »
    Please tell me he's in the Army. Please tell me he's in the Army.

    No comment...

    orgathoxx on
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    /facepalm

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    orgathoxx wrote: »
    SammyF wrote: »
    Please tell me he's in the Army. Please tell me he's in the Army.

    No comment...

    OH THE DRAMA!

    PeregrineFalcon on
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  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    See...

    Long Distance Relationships: more drama than action, less love than loathing.

    Enc on
  • ErandusErandus Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    #1 show your GF the respect of not wasting her time in a relationship you're not really 100% committed to.

    #2 stop fooling around with an "army wife". Don't be that guy.

    Erandus on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    The terrorists win.

    SammyF on
  • DmanDman Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    orgathoxx wrote: »
    SammyF wrote: »
    Please tell me he's in the Army. Please tell me he's in the Army.

    No comment...

    Seriously?

    Have some respect for your country and your fellow man. Leave that girl alone.

    My gf and I did the long distance thing for a few months here and there, we never cheated but we were both miserable apart.

    If you can't force yourself to refrain from cheating I recommend you cut your losses and break up.

    Dman on
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    If you really loved her and wanted to be with her you wouldn't have essentially gone on a date with and kissed another girl. No matter how you phrase it there's no way to justify it. Your gf knows something isn't right and you admit that. It makes me question not just how much you care for her but how much you respect her. The fact that she's asked if something happened and you haven't told her is just crappy. Trust me, she knows you're lying and feels like shit about that, because now her bf is not just a cheater but a lying cheater that thinks she's an idiot.

    Oh please. He's in college, not 40 with a couple kids and a mortgage.

    RocketSauce on
  • DogDog Registered User, Administrator, Vanilla Staff admin
    edited June 2009
    That's not an excuse for cheating on someone.

    Unknown User on
  • PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    No, but it might be hinting at a bit of an overreaction.

    PeregrineFalcon on
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  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    robothero wrote: »
    That's not an excuse for cheating on someone.

    Young people do dumb shit. Breaking news here.

    RocketSauce on
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    No, but it might be hinting at a bit of an overreaction.

    I don't see how that's an overreaction.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    If you really loved her and wanted to be with her you wouldn't have essentially gone on a date with and kissed another girl. No matter how you phrase it there's no way to justify it. Your gf knows something isn't right and you admit that. It makes me question not just how much you care for her but how much you respect her. The fact that she's asked if something happened and you haven't told her is just crappy. Trust me, she knows you're lying and feels like shit about that, because now her bf is not just a cheater but a lying cheater that thinks she's an idiot.

    Oh please. He's in college, not 40 with a couple kids and a mortgage.

    He's more than old enough to know not to cheat on someone. You don't have to be 40 with kids and a mortgage to be a decent human being. At 20 most people know it's shitty to cheat on someone and don't do it. If he isn't capable of not cheating on his girlfriend then he shouldn't have one.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    robothero wrote: »
    That's not an excuse for cheating on someone.

    Young people do dumb shit. Breaking news here.

    So 'Boys will be boys'? The clown is down?

    Young people also take their long-term relationships just as seriously as married couples. Just because we have the benefit of hindsight, that doesn't make the feelings of those without it any less real.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • DogDog Registered User, Administrator, Vanilla Staff admin
    edited June 2009
    robothero wrote: »
    That's not an excuse for cheating on someone.

    Young people do dumb shit. Breaking news here.

    Still not justification for cheating.

    Unknown User on
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    If you really loved her and wanted to be with her you wouldn't have essentially gone on a date with and kissed another girl. No matter how you phrase it there's no way to justify it. Your gf knows something isn't right and you admit that. It makes me question not just how much you care for her but how much you respect her. The fact that she's asked if something happened and you haven't told her is just crappy. Trust me, she knows you're lying and feels like shit about that, because now her bf is not just a cheater but a lying cheater that thinks she's an idiot.

    Oh please. He's in college, not 40 with a couple kids and a mortgage.

    He's more than old enough to know not to cheat on someone. You don't have to be 40 with kids and a mortgage to be a decent human being. At 20 most people know it's shitty to cheat on someone and don't do it. If he isn't capable of not cheating on his girlfriend then he shouldn't have one.

    This is pretty much the first girl he's done anything with. He's 20, in college, in a relationship with a girl he hardly sees. I'd argue he doesn't know dick about how relationships work. Not saying it wasn't wrong, just cut the guy some slack. Some of us weren't born with an immaculate conception and all, we have to learn the hard way.

    RocketSauce on
  • HalfmexHalfmex I mock your value system You also appear foolish in the eyes of othersRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    robothero wrote: »
    That's not an excuse for cheating on someone.
    Young people do dumb shit. Breaking news here.
    Twenty is no longer young enough to be excused from doing foolish things on the virtue of youth alone. Thirteen? Sure. Sixteen? Fine. Twenty? No, not at all. If you're mature enough to pick up a firearm and defend the country, you're mature enough to be able to handle a relationship.

    Edit: VoC beat me to it.

    Halfmex on
  • PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    As long as we're trading anecdotes, I know a couple of couples who were high-school sweethearts and married their first girlfriends.

    You might call it pathetic/sad/whatever, but hey, ever heard the saying "ignorance is bliss"?

    If they don't know about the alternative, and they're damned happy with their current situation, who are we to judge?

    I guess what I'm saying is that sticking your dick in anything that moves during college isn't a necessity of life. :P

    PeregrineFalcon on
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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    If you really loved her and wanted to be with her you wouldn't have essentially gone on a date with and kissed another girl. No matter how you phrase it there's no way to justify it. Your gf knows something isn't right and you admit that. It makes me question not just how much you care for her but how much you respect her. The fact that she's asked if something happened and you haven't told her is just crappy. Trust me, she knows you're lying and feels like shit about that, because now her bf is not just a cheater but a lying cheater that thinks she's an idiot.

    Oh please. He's in college, not 40 with a couple kids and a mortgage.

    He's more than old enough to know not to cheat on someone. You don't have to be 40 with kids and a mortgage to be a decent human being. At 20 most people know it's shitty to cheat on someone and don't do it. If he isn't capable of not cheating on his girlfriend then he shouldn't have one.

    This is pretty much the first girl he's done anything with. He's 20, in college, in a relationship with a girl he hardly sees. I'd argue he doesn't know dick about how relationships work. Not saying it wasn't wrong, just cut the guy some slack. Some of us weren't born with an immaculate conception and all, we have to learn the hard way.

    And they've been dating for 18 months, this is hardly new, it being long distance pretty much the entire time, but it's only now that he cheats on her. After meeting a girl he liked and purposefully spent more time with despite knowing it wasn't a good idea. You don't have to be an expert to know that 18 months into a relationship you shouldn't make out with another girl.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    People definitely making a mountain out of this mole hill.

    Still, I'd end the relationship with your far away girlfriend and pursue something closer. What's the point of feeling guilty over something that's minor based on a relationship with someone you see as much as an extended relative?

    Fellhand on
  • orgathoxxorgathoxx Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Should I wait until I'm actually with my gf to see how I feel? I mean I know the whole if I cheated on her then its saying that I'm not giving 100% so it's not deserving, but being around her is totally different than on the phone or whatever. Honestly I have no clue what the fuck to do.

    If I tell her, after immediately hanging up the phone, she will either call me back a varied amount of time later, and say that we can never be friends and that everything is over (likely), or call back and say that while she doesn't trust me and won't ever for a long time, that I can try and show her that I am worth it and regain her trust (unlikely).

    Or I can not tell her, have my insides eaten, and try and act normal for a month or two, until I either tell her and I've not only been lying but haven't been telling her everything, or realize that I do really love her and want to be with her and this was just a fluke. Or she finds out from somebody else.

    orgathoxx on
  • PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    At this point it sounds like you want to tell her, and that you know that it will likely result in a breakup.

    Just do it.

    And leave the army girlfriend alone.

    And in the future, please refer to the longer version of my sig quote:
    ElJeffe wrote: »
    Even though a kobe steak is fucking fantastic, sometimes it would be nice to have a burger. Except in this case the kobe steak would get pissed and give me terrible indigestion and then I could never have kobe steak again and I would be sad, and all because I couldn't keep my dick out of the ground beef.

    So, uh, keep your dick out of the ground beef.

    PeregrineFalcon on
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  • humblehumble Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    you did something wrong

    man up and tell her

    humble on
  • HalfmexHalfmex I mock your value system You also appear foolish in the eyes of othersRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    If you're going to tell her (and for the record I absolutely believe you should), don't do it over the phone unless you want the relationship to be over. If you want to work this out, talk this over with her in person. Look her in the eyes and show her that you are genuinely remorseful for what you did. After that, the decision lays at her feet, but by god man, at least be honest with her. She deserves that much, no?

    Halfmex on
  • Captain ElevenCaptain Eleven The last card is a kronk Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Halfmex is a wise, wise man. Listen to that man.

    Captain Eleven on
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  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    orgathoxx wrote: »
    SammyF wrote: »
    Please tell me he's in the Army. Please tell me he's in the Army.

    No comment...

    OH THE DRAMA!

    Oh Jesus Christ.
    Yeah, don't ever contact this chick again. Not only are you jeopardizing your relationship, but also the guy who signed up to defend the country in which you live.

    Me being an "army girlfriend", I can say that yes, it sucks to have your boyfriend/spouse/whatever gone for lengthy periods of time (especially if they're deployed). I'm certainly no stranger to it. You get lonely. But I can say this; out of experience, it's really not that hard to stay faithful...

    But do the guy in the army a favor, and listen to your parents and don't talk to that chick. Oh and tell your girlfriend.vI'd be even more pissed if my boyfriend lied to me after I asked him if there was something going on.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Halfmex wrote: »
    If you're going to tell her (and for the record I absolutely believe you should), don't do it over the phone unless you want the relationship to be over. If you want to work this out, talk this over with her in person. Look her in the eyes and show her that you are genuinely remorseful for what you did. After that, the decision lays at her feet, but by god man, at least be honest with her. She deserves that much, no?

    But you go to her. Don't let her drive down for a visit only to break up with her.

    Improvolone on
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  • TopweaselTopweasel Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I'd be even more pissed if my boyfriend lied to me after I asked him if there was something going on.

    But don't they have a don't ask don't tell policy about that.

    Topweasel on
  • DogDog Registered User, Administrator, Vanilla Staff admin
    edited June 2009
    He already lied though.

    Unknown User on
  • TopweaselTopweasel Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Halfmex wrote: »
    If you're going to tell her (and for the record I absolutely believe you should), don't do it over the phone unless you want the relationship to be over. If you want to work this out, talk this over with her in person. Look her in the eyes and show her that you are genuinely remorseful for what you did. After that, the decision lays at her feet, but by god man, at least be honest with her. She deserves that much, no?

    But you go to her. Don't let her drive down for a visit only to break up with her.

    That's exactly how you do it. Also if you can set up a rose pedal path to your bedroom and make sure your screwing he best friend and climax as soon as she opens the door, you would have the ultimate breakup procedure.

    Honestly though travel to her place to break up with he and do it before she drives down to meet you. Not only would not doing so be awful but that drive back for her would be the most excruciating thing in the world.

    Topweasel on
  • NateVaderNateVader Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    If you're going to break up a 18 month relationship over a petty little kiss, then that's plain foolish. What you've built greatly outweighs a meaningless kiss. If you want to stay in the relationship, don't tell your girlfriend, it will just blow this mole hill into a mountain. You haven't been having a torrid affair under the nose of your girlfriend. You made a poor decision and regret it. That's how you learn. Throwing away something good because of a mistake is one of the most ridiculous things you could do.

    On the other hand if there was a deeper dissatisfaction being expressed by this kiss, then break up with her.

    NateVader on
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  • humblehumble Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    a kiss can mean a whole lot

    plus he pursued it even though he knew it was wrong

    humble on
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    NateVader wrote: »
    If you're going to break up a 18 month relationship over a petty little kiss, then that's plain foolish. What you've built greatly outweighs a meaningless kiss. If you want to stay in the relationship, don't tell your girlfriend, it will just blow this mole hill into a mountain. You haven't been having a torrid affair under the nose of your girlfriend. You made a poor decision and regret it. That's how you learn. Throwing away something good because of a mistake is one of the most ridiculous things you could do.

    On the other hand if there was a deeper dissatisfaction being expressed by this kiss, then break up with her.

    Owning up to the consequences of your mistake is paramount. It's not his decision whether or not the relationship is over, it's hers. Advising that he continue to lie to his girlfriend because he doesn't want to "throw away something good because of a mistake" is dishonest, childish, and stupid.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • orgathoxxorgathoxx Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I'm thinking that I will go up there today to talk to her about it so that she doesn't come down and I lay everything on her. As many people have said she deserves me being honest with her, and after being with her for 18 months to continue to lie to her about things is dishonest and childish.

    orgathoxx on
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I agree.

    It's probably going to suck... horribly... but it's the right thing to do.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Yeah, prepare your self for crying, yelling... generally a whole range of emotions. It's going to suck. A lot. Hell, chances are she's going to break up with you. Prepare yourself for that.

    It was just a kiss, but a kiss can mean a lot to someone. Maybe she'll forgive you, but I (and a lot of other people on these boards) think it would be for the best if you told her.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    There are such things as "just a kiss", but with everything else the OP mentioned about this other girl (spending an extraordinary amount of time with her in a single day, talking to her, clicking, making it seem so non-just friends that his parents were seriously put off by it), that kiss represented a whole hell of a lot.

    Improvolone on
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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I guess what I'm saying is that sticking your dick in anything that moves during college isn't a necessity of life. :P

    Although it is a great way to get yourself banned from the zoo.

    Seriously, occassionally this forum seems to be biased pretty heavily towards "don't tie yourself down so you can fuck everyone everywhere with everything collegewoooooO!!1" while ignoring the irony of the fact that it's the opposite fucking side of the coin from "you should get married and until then don't fuck anyone anywhere with anything celebacywooooOO!!1."

    SammyF on
  • EriosErios Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    ITT: Shoplifting is the same as grand theft auto. Bunch of regular Immanuel Kants in here.

    OP, why don't you give yourself a "freebie," realize you screwed up and never do anything like that to anyone again? As far as a life lesson about something as important as cheating, this one can come very cheap. Reflect on your relationship, of course.

    Erios on
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