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My friend is in danger and I'm poweless to help.

CasualCasual Revolver Ocelot(Revolver Ocelot)Registered User regular
edited July 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I have an internet friend in the US who was recently assaulted by her ex, he actually gave her a black eye. I'm telling her to go to the police to press charges but she's scared. Apparently her sister was beaten by her husband and the police did nothing even with a restraining order, she was beaten by him again after she went to the police. Because of this my friend is too scared to report it in case it just makes it worse.

I'm worried if she does nothing the guy will know he can get away with it and hurt her again. But what if she's right? Will the police really do nothing? I'm worried for her and being able to do nothing about it from over here is driving me mad.

What can I do?

Casual on
Revolver Ocelot
i write amazing erotic fiction

its all about anthropomorphic dicks doing everyday things like buying shoes for their scrotum-feet

Posts

  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The police can only enforce a restraining order if the violation is reported. You clearly haven't given any details, but if a woman called the cops and said "my ex whom I have a restraining order against because he has beaten me up is at my front door shouting and banging trying to get in, I'm really fucking afraid and need someone here right now", you bet your ass the cops will get there.
    It's up to the person who has the restraining order to press violation charges.

    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The police can only enforce a restraining order if the violation is reported. You clearly haven't given any details, but if a woman called the cops and said "my ex whom I have a restraining order against because he has beaten me up is at my front door shouting and banging trying to get in, I'm really fucking afraid and need someone here right now", you bet your ass the cops will get there.
    It's up to the person who has the restraining order to press violation charges.

    This. A restraining order isn't magic. But it doesn't do more harm then good, it's the first step to locking the bastard up for a long, long time. She needs to get it ASAP.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • CasualCasual Revolver Ocelot (Revolver Ocelot)Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    She told me when her sister called the cops it took them several hours to get there. But this isn't about that. I'm worried for my friend who is at risk as we speak. If she goes to the cops will she be any better off? Or will she just be pissing off a violent guy while giving herself no more protection than she had before?

    Revolver Ocelot
    i write amazing erotic fiction

    its all about anthropomorphic dicks doing everyday things like buying shoes for their scrotum-feet
  • GonmunGonmun He keeps kickin' me in mah dickRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Casual wrote: »
    She told me when her sister called the cops it took them several hours to get there. But this isn't about that. I'm worried for my friend who is at risk as we speak. If she goes to the cops will she be any better off? Or will she just be pissing off a violent guy while giving herself no more protection than she had before?

    Given what we know I believe it would be wise for her to go to the police.

    She'll most likely want to get a restraining order against this guy and I'm fairly certain that there needs to be cause for it and contacting the police and filing a complaint is certainly grounds to get one.

    desc wrote: »
    ~ * swole patrol flying roundhouse kick top performer recognition: April 2014 * ~

  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Casual wrote: »
    She told me when her sister called the cops it took them several hours to get there. But this isn't about that. I'm worried for my friend who is at risk as we speak. If she goes to the cops will she be any better off? Or will she just be pissing off a violent guy while giving herself no more protection than she had before?

    She might think the cops will always take hours, thus leaving her open to hours of harm. She needs to lock doors and windows and cut off all communication with this guy.
    Cops hate gettinig involved in domestic issues, but they will do their job if someone is in danger. When speaking to police it needs to be stressed that there is a threat of immediate harm to someone.

    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Call the cops, tell your friend not to talk to this guy, do not try and "work things out" tell her to not skye, not AIM, not facebook chat, nothing, at all, nothing to even give the guy the impression he's in anyway important to her life after this incident. Any contact with him is just feeding the fire.

    She should call the cops. Soon. Will it take hours? who knows, but you want this on record.

  • NotASenatorNotASenator Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    On Friday, I called the security for our apartment complex because the husband and wife one floor up were having another screaming match and it sounded like things were getting slammed around. I just wanted the noise to stop, to be honest.

    Security apparently called the police because they were there breaking it up ten minutes after I called security.

    So I guess I take horror stories about cops taking hours with a grain of salt. But let's be fair, the cop thing sounds like your friend is making excuses.

  • ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Excuses are the most infuriating thing when it comes to these kind of situations, because frankly, as a friend, you're powerless.

    If she continues making excuses about it "well my sister said this, My aunt said this, It was just this one time, etc"

    I would stop paying attention to it. That's just me though. I find if people keep coming up with reasons to not do something, they're either lying or scared.

    And if they're scared, all you can do is try and convince them that typically police are the good guys.

  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    You could ask her what not calling the police will accompish. If he's becoming abusive and stalkerish, it's not just going to go away. Abusers don't just wake up one day and say "oh, this is wrong." They keep doing it untilt they either A) go to jail, or B) Kill their victim.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • RenegadeSilenceRenegadeSilence Registered User
    edited July 2009
    You should also see if she would be willing to document her eye and other abuses with pictures, in case she changes her mind by the time it heals.

  • Bobkins FlymoBobkins Flymo FF69B4 Registered User, Super Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited July 2009
    She should stay with a friend or family member if she's worried about the police pissing him off. And it probably will, just as anything would if it means he's not getting his way. Preferably some place that he doesn't know about, but just having another person to confide in can be good.

    No contacting at all is also sound advice.

    The real problem is that she has to do it.

    73zrBvC.png
  • JebusUDJebusUD Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    You know what city she lives in? Google that and Battered Womens shelter.

    And she certainly should call the police. Someone assaulted her. Because she used to have a relationship with this person doesn't make it any less assault. She needs to tell him to never talk to her again, and she needs to never talk with him again.

    You haven't given me a reason to steer clear of you!
  • Caramel GenocideCaramel Genocide Registered User
    edited July 2009
    You should also see if she would be willing to document her eye and other abuses with pictures, in case she changes her mind by the time it heals.

    If for some reason she isn't willing to get herself away from this man yet, the least she can start doing for herself is documenting what is happening so that when she does work up the courage to go/contact authorities, she's got some photo evidence along with written accounts of what happened.

    However, an abuser is most likely going to be very watchful of her actions and be suspicious of anything she does. If she can store such information with someone out of the house (rather than in the house where he can find it), then so much the better.

  • ArasenArasen Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Get the restraining order. It's key in starting the process of getting the guy locked up. Have her get seen in an ER in cases of abuse so there is documentation. Documentation is key! Have her start keeping records of any encounter with the guy. If the guy has a key to her residence get the locks changed. Contact a domestic abuse hotline or a battered women's shelter. She may want to consider carrying some pepper spray or a stun gun.
    As for the police it depends on how the call is placed and how the 911 operator interprets and dispatches the call. If the operator has the impression that a life is in danger police will be sent priority. The only hold up would be them waiting for at least one other officer to arrive before approaching the scene.

    [SIGPIC]steam_sig.png[/SIGPIC]
  • EndomaticEndomatic Registered User
    edited July 2009
    She needs to ask herself what happens if she DOESN'T go to the cops?

    Will this behavior stop on it's own? Absolutely not.
    Will it escalate? It stands to reason that it could if nothing is done.

  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    It's possible that her excuses aren't rooted in her thinking that going to the police is a bad idea. It could be that her excuses are rooted in her thinking this guy will change, or her thinking it is somehow her fault.

    It's difficult to try and help someone in this situation from across an ocean, but do your best. The advice about looking up woman's shelters is good.

    daniant wrote:
    Alright, looks like I'm giving up golden showers for Lent.
    XBL : Figment3 · SteamID : Figment · Website : www.nathanswyers.com
  • underdonkunderdonk __BANNED USERS regular
    edited July 2009
    Cops? How are the cops going to protect her? She can - and should - report it, but it's not going to prevent her from being assaulted again.

    She needs to either A) remove herself from the situation or B) defend herself.

    It certainly doesn't sound like she's ready to do A, and there is nothing that you or anyone else can do that will convince her of this. This is a decision that she needs to make for herself. Save that, B is really the only option... which puts her in a pretty tough place. Situations like this suck for someone outside looking in.

    Back in the day, bucko, we just had an A and a B button... and we liked it.
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    underdonk wrote: »
    Cops? How are the cops going to protect her? She can - and should - report it, but it's not going to prevent her from being assaulted again.

    She needs to either A) remove herself from the situation or B) defend herself.

    It certainly doesn't sound like she's ready to do A, and there is nothing that you or anyone else can do that will convince her of this. This is a decision that she needs to make for herself. Save that, B is really the only option... which puts her in a pretty tough place. Situations like this suck for someone outside looking in.

    Yeah, it's no bowl of peaches for the person in the situation either. The problem is, people in that situation look at calling the cops as the end of the situation, when it's really only the beginning.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • KalTorakKalTorak Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    If she has any close friends/family in the area, she should get in touch with them and arrange to stay there for a while; get in touch with the police from there.

    If she doesn't know anyone that's not connected with this guy, search for women's shelters in the area.

  • mystikspyralmystikspyral Registered User
    edited July 2009
    A friend of mine, her crazy ex boyfriend was stalking her and us (her friends), breaking car windows, creeping through the woods around the house we all hung out at, trying to run us off the road, so on.

    The cops really weren't able to do much for her or us until it had progressed quite far. The key to getting substantial assistance from the police is documenting every time he harasses/assaults her.

    Usually if assault is involved the cops will step up their involvement. Encourage her to call them but realize if she continues making excuses and refuses to contact them there isn't much you can do for her.

    "When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail" :rotate:
  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The next time it happens, call 9-11 and say there has been domestic abuse.

    I refuse to believe this guy won't be put in jail right then and there, seeing as how there was another thread a week ago where some kid got thrown in jail because his mother called 911 when he was rough housing with his younger brother.

    daniant wrote:
    Alright, looks like I'm giving up golden showers for Lent.
    XBL : Figment3 · SteamID : Figment · Website : www.nathanswyers.com
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I think what the cops really don't like about domestic incidents is when the victim refuses to press charges and won't leave the perpetrator. The cops keep getting called out again and again to the same house to break up a fight, and they get frustrated because they have no way of solving the problem if the victim won't leave. If she presses charges and leaves the guy, they are probably going to be much more understanding, because they have a chance of actually making a difference in the situation.

    If she is afraid the guy will track her down and hurt her when she leaves him, she needs to go to a women's refuge. She might still get hurt if he finds her, but since she is *definitely* going to get seriously hurt if she does not leave him, it is much better odds to leave him than not.

  • CasualCasual Revolver Ocelot (Revolver Ocelot)Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    She isn't in a relationship with him any more and hasn't been for some time. Me and some others managed to convince her to go to the police. I just hope this doesn't turn out to be a big mistake.

    Revolver Ocelot
    i write amazing erotic fiction

    its all about anthropomorphic dicks doing everyday things like buying shoes for their scrotum-feet
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Casual wrote: »
    She isn't in a relationship with him any more and hasn't been for some time. Me and some others managed to convince her to go to the police. I just hope this doesn't turn out to be a big mistake.

    She needs to understand that going to the police days or weeks after an incident is NOT going to help her. She needs to be calling them when he's banging on the door. She also needs to be hyper vigilant for a while, as in not walking to her car alone, not opening the door for this jackass, etc. It sucks, it's a terrible situation to be in and it's not her fault, but it IS a situation she is in now, and she has to deal with it responsibly.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Sentry wrote: »
    She needs to understand that going to the police days or weeks after an incident is NOT going to help her. She needs to be calling them when he's banging on the door.

    Glad to hear she left him.

    I think it's best for her to be reporting it to the police now, *before* he is trying to knock the door down. The police can't necessarily get there in time with the best will in the world (not necessarily 3 hours late, but 10 minutes might as well be 3 hours in some circumstances). If they know she's in danger, they can take steps to help her, such as installing panic buttons, stronger locks, or whatever is available in her area.

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    You should also see if she would be willing to document her eye and other abuses with pictures, in case she changes her mind by the time it heals.

    If for some reason she isn't willing to get herself away from this man yet, the least she can start doing for herself is documenting what is happening so that when she does work up the courage to go/contact authorities, she's got some photo evidence along with written accounts of what happened.

    However, an abuser is most likely going to be very watchful of her actions and be suspicious of anything she does. If she can store such information with someone out of the house (rather than in the house where he can find it), then so much the better.

    This won't be nearly as good as going to the police to document the incident. Bringing in pictures months later leaves the police's hands pretty much tied. She has to go in and file a police report now for anything to happen.

  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Sentry wrote: »
    She needs to understand that going to the police days or weeks after an incident is NOT going to help her. She needs to be calling them when he's banging on the door.

    Glad to hear she left him.

    I think it's best for her to be reporting it to the police now, *before* he is trying to knock the door down. The police can't necessarily get there in time with the best will in the world (not necessarily 3 hours late, but 10 minutes might as well be 3 hours in some circumstances). If they know she's in danger, they can take steps to help her, such as installing panic buttons, stronger locks, or whatever is available in her area.

    I'm referring to future incidents, not this past one. She definitely needed to go to the police with this last incident, so that she can start a documentation trail. What I was referring to specifically is the next time he shows up, her calling the police immediately, not trying to reason with him or defuse the situation.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • BetelguesePDXBetelguesePDX Registered User
    edited July 2009
    Also: Pepper spray and practice running.

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