Advice on how to win a duel.

The_Scarab

Long story short, my honour was impugned and I challenged a work colleague to a gentleman's duel. It's this Wednesday morning, in Battersea Park, and I'm nervous. I have no idea how to go about this. I may have been too liberal with the white gloves in hindsight but goddam he deserves it.

What I need is tips, ways to cheat - like rigging the pistols or something. I don't know, I've never even held a gun before in my life and the fucker - of course - had to pick them as his weapon of choice. Asshole. Even so, my cousin is getting married on the 12th and I can't be killed before then or she'll be pissed. What should I do?

A Dabble Of Thelonius

Take the door off of a cast iron stove and strap it to your chest. Then wear a loose poncho over it.

Atlus Parker

What if he's shot in the face?

NotYou

bullet proof mask.

Delzhand

He impugned your honor, so you plan to cheat during the duel. May I be so bold as to say perhaps he was correct?

Astayonix

Hire a hooker to spread Bengay or IcyHot all over his balls the night before. Guaranteed no show the next day!

Doc

http://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/t/twain/mark/paine/chapter45.html

Beasteh

Promise the loader ten thou to palm your opponent's bullets

Delope in a flashy manner

???

Profit

Edit: oh yeah and laugh in the loader's face when he asks for his money, the fact that he helped you cheat should be deterrence enough from taking it any further

noir_blood

Throw your pistol at him. He'll never see it coming I say!

Beasteh

Page 44 onwards

:winky:

Lail

Flee! Move to the country and become a farmer, where you'll develop a hybrid, super crop. A mix between tobacco and tomatoes.

Raiden333

Sir, if you truly plan to follow through on cheating, which is a ghastly prospect, I would suggest that you agree to walk 5 paces, turn and shoot.

And you turn and shoot on 2. He'll be expecting you to turn on 4 paces, 3 if he's smart. Since he will be smart to see that you, sir, obviously have no honor.

Adross

Just take three paces, instead of the ten, and shoot him in the leg.
Nobody dies, yet you still win.

Metalbourne

Homer simpson hid in a christmas tree you should try that

Delzhand

Or sooner, I guess. "The rules are simple. Walk five paces, turn, and-"

BLAM

Quoth

Take this packet of powder. Throw its contents into the air before the duel and you'll have the same chance as the other man.

Spoiler:

the powder is cayenne pepper

The_Scarab

Delzhand wrote: »

He impugned your honor, so you plan to cheat during the duel. May I be so bold as to say perhaps he was correct?

Hey. I may have no honour but I'm not stupid.

I bought a really expensive suit for the wedding and fuck if the only time I get to wear it is my own funeral.

Staxeon

Plant a landmine where his tenth pace will be.

Insta-win.

s_86

-

dlinfiniti

handgrenade

Etch

Is this a real thread?

Or is it like a bizzaro one?

Antimatter

hire Inigo Montoya as your second

Tav

Respond to anything he says with "How appropriate, you fight like a cow."

Antimatter

hire a hooker to distract him, then shoot him

Burnage

Cultivate your facial hair. Ensure that your moustache is brimming with magnificence. When the duel begins, stiffen your upper lip, and the radiance of your trusty 'tache shall dazzle your opponent, allowing you to take as much time as you wish to line up a killing blow.

It is a little known fact that this is how Englishmen kill in the wild.

Spoiler:

If you're actually having some kind of fake duel I heartily encourage you to grow facial hair for the occasion.

MKR

Ask if "gun" can be interpreted as the paintball or pump-powered water variety.

Mr. Pokeylope

Since he chose the weapon you get to pick the traditional pre-duel movie.

Pick the B-movie classic "Wargames", after watching both of you will learn that the only way to win is not to play the game. Which lead to you both sharing manly tears and working out your issues. Next thing you know you'll be at the local pub drinking together in renewed friendship.

After he has a couple drinks excuse yourself to the bathroom and call the police and report a drunk man with a gun. The problem will work itself out after that.

MrMonroe

I would ask where your Field of Honour is in case some environmental conditions might help you, but I won't.

Any deviation from the Code Duello is detestable and should not be pursued.

I suggest a handgun training course and asking your cousin to move the wedding date up a few weeks.

dlinfiniti

you could always kneel and yield.....
thats an option too isn't it?

Spoiler:

right before you knife him in the gut as he approaches that is

Spoiler:

of course then you'd have to find a way to take out his second as he'll be gunning for you at that point

Thomamelas

The problem with shooting him before the count is that his second is going to shoot you. If your second is an honorable man...he'll shoot you. In the end you just get a lot of people shooting at you. And you will be noted for being a craven coward. So winning means you lose...if you cheat. But you don't really need to cheat. So some things to keep in mind:

If you're going old school enough to duel, you should be using old school smoothbore pistols. Bringing a Glock to a duel just shows how uncouth one is. This works in your favor, since smoothbore pistols were not noted for their accuracy.

If you're using the using the Irish rules or Wilson's rules, do remember that "first blood" is considered unmanly in many manuals. If your foe insists on this, then do point out his effeminate nature. What's the worst he can do, challenge you again? But for the love of god, if he accepts the more modern rule that allows for each person to take a shot and walk away, do not push him so hard that he accepts to the death or unable to continue as grounds to stop the duel. You want to insult his honor, not get your ass killed.

FCD

Believe in the Heart of the Cards.

KalTorak

First, develop an immunity to iocaine powder.

Second, challenge him to a duel of wits.

Arrath

Beasteh wrote: »

Promise the loader ten thou to palm your opponent's bullets

Delope in a flashy manner

???

Profit

Edit: oh yeah and laugh in the loader's face when he asks for his money, the fact that he helped you cheat should be deterrence enough from taking it any further

I fucking love you.

Iceman.USAF

How is this not locked yet? Are the mods having some kind of convention? Should we be trying to hijack the entire forum whilist they are locked in debate over some triviality of life?

I think yes

Mobilize the troops!


Ahem. Anyway, you could simply feed this man slightly undercooked chicken the night before.

Xaquin

Is it a duel of hungry hungry hippos!?

John Matrix

Brush up on your Sharpe by Bernard Cornwall. This means look him dead in the eye while his pistol misses. Then shoot him in the ass. Or walk up to him before he fires his pistol, take it from him, break it on a nearby tree and then kick is ass all the way into next week.

If no pistols are involved, duel with swords in the normal fashion but throw in a head-butt or kick to the groin while fighting. No one said honor had that many rules.

TL DR

Dude, you're in deep shit. The only chance you've got is a duelist training montage highlighting your plucky character.

Failing that, make sure your life insurance is paid up and the beneficiary is listed at "Tim Theory of the Internets"