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Locust 2!! (er... comic pitch idea? lots of reading ahead)
McGibs
TorontoRegistered User regular
TorontoRegistered User regular
Alright, so I stopped Locust because it got way too epic for me to feasibly ever complete, and I got too caught up in developing the universe instead of the characters. But I liked the characters (Gabe and Lexi rather) because they really were my imaginary friends when I was making it, and I didn’t/don’t want to just let them fade into oblivion without giving them a proper story.
So this new thing keeps the same (basic) characters of Gabe and Lexi, but puts them in a new(ish) universe and a single one-shot storyline that isn’t a multi-billion part epic. It’s about the characters and the plot, and I really want to try and free myself from all the fiddly sciencey bits that I always get caught up in. It’s a sci-fi drama thing that aims to be stupidly depressing because apparently that sort of thing gets my rocks off I guess…
Here’s a doodle of the new Lexi because this thread has no other art yet.
Also Gabe
I’m not sure what I’m going to call it because titles are always a bitch. But I’m open to suggestions if anyone has any after reading this.
SETTING: A more apocalyptic post-apocalypse. For unexplained and unimportant reasons, the world has ended some several hundred years in the past. The resulting landscape is full of rubbleized skyscrapers long since overgrown by hearty plants, looking not totally-unlike a sub-arctic landscape. Bigass boulders with lichen and junk all over them. Doesn’t look anything like a city anymore. It’s always cold and snows a lot. Kinda’ like the subarctic…
The story follows a little farming village eeking out a bleak existence. Farming lichen or something. Technology is old-school, borderline medieval, but with guns and electric generators and stuff you’d expect to be salvaged from the end-of the world. There are other settlements abroad, but they’re only referred to and not important. Basically slummy Europe, circa 1000 AD, but colder and suckier.
CHARACTERS: (forget all the Durus subspecies nonsense and other backstory from the Locust characters)
Gabriel (for lack of a better name atm): He who the conflict resolves. A tragic protagonist if ever there was. He and Lexi (also for lack of better name) were childhood chums growing up in aforementioned shitty dirt-village. When Gabe was 12-ish, he ran away from home to join a roving mercenary band to make some cash (lichen farming doesn’t pay well), leaving Lexi behind. The story begins when Gabe staggers back to the village at around the age of 20-ish, his mind thoroughly busted up from bad stuffs happening in his away time.
Lexi: The second protagonist. Now she’s missing an arm (she was supposed to later on in Locust, and I always thought it would be interesting) from a childhood run-in with a blizzard. She meets Gabe when he comes back and spends most of the story trying to help him with his brain.
Missionaries (and head missionary): The interesting bit of the lot. These guys replace what the Caelestians/Phoenix were in Locust, and have the same high-tech sci-fi look. But I felt that the Pheonix were rapidly falling into a very stereotypical “religious genocide, kill all heritics” rut. So these new guys (not sure what to call them either. Again open to suggestions) take that theme and flip it on its head.
They arrive in small groups from unknown lands far away (a sort of utopia across the sea) on a mission to aide and rescue humanity from the sufferings of the new world (ie, lichen farming). Now, before I go on, it’s very important to say that these guys –have no hidden agenda- . They are good people. They –really- want to help people out. And they do a bang up job of it too. They bring medicine and food, and education and all that gravy stuff. First and foremost, their goal is to be stand-up-humans and aid the unfortunate. But, unfortunately, sometimes people don’t want help, and sometimes they are suffering too much to be helped. Their secondary goal is to prevent any further suffering to the human race, and so sometimes they have to “put people down”. Now, there really isn’t anything evil or malicious behind this. They help people in the same way someone would help a wounded animal. If it’s too far gone, or has rabies or something, they have to deal with it. And they feel really bad about it too. They kill people out of wuv.
SYNOPSIS SORTA: (I really don’t have a good order of events yet, so this is pretty rough)
Gabe wanders blearily back to the village after an eight year stint with a roving mercenary band. He is greeted by his childhood friend, Lexi, who quickly figures out that something is very wrong with him, despite him not saying exactly what it is. Few days pass for some character development stuff, and then a group of missionaries arrives at the village. They are cautiously greeted and after they clearly state their motives and we learn what awesome dudes they are, they start helping out the people in the village. People love them. These guys rock. They fart rainbows of candy out their asses.
As this is going on, Gabe is obviously having some conflicted thoughts about the whole deal and approaches the head missionary for a frank exchange of words. We (and Lexi) learn that the reason Gabe is so fucked up is that not months ago, these same missionaries wiped out his entire merc-party (what has essentially been his family for most of a decade). I have yet to figure out the details, but this will be worthy of a good brain fuck. I’m talking have-to-kill-your-own-parents-because-they’re-screaming-too-much-in-agony kind of insanity inducing. To Gabe’s surprise, the missionary weeps in pity and sympathy as he explains why they had to do it. People who have murdered others (and especially those that make a
career out of it) have brought suffering to humanity, and in order to prevent further suffering, they must be euthanized (I’m sure I’ll make it sound very convincing…). Obviously, Gabe doesn’t expect the person responsible for his misery to start apologizing for it, and being nice and sympathetic towards his suffering. It’s very confusing when this guy who just purposefully finished killing a few hundred people starts deliberately to –mourn- them. It’s weird. So naturally, Gabe doesn’t get it, and it pisses him even more off. How dare this fucker cry for people he just killed. How can he grieve like a family member for people he didn’t even know? Gabe leaves in an emotional train wreck and disappears. Lexi and the head missionary discuss the situation. Pointedly, the missionaries see the only way to help Gabriel, and to keep him from harming others is to find him and put him out of his misery. Not surprisingly, Lexi disagrees and argues that she can help him without the unfortunate side effect of death. More debate on the subject , and Lexi leaves to find Gabe.
Hiding in a cave or something on the outskirts Gabe is rapidly drowning in a sea of hate. Dispite Lexi’s attempts to drag him out of it, he just can’t escape from his desire to seek revenge. These missionaries have insulted him and his dead friends so deeply that the only thing to do is to kill the whole lot of them (which he has the tools for, being an ex-merc). He is absolutely blinded by rage.
<Some bridging stuff happens here I’m too lazy to figure out right now>
The missionaries are still at the village, continuing their duties and not particularly seeking out Gabe unless he starts screwing around. Then he starts screwing around and sends a clear message by knifing one of them in the night and putting him up for display. The other missionaries feel bad about this, and really don’t –want- to kill Gabe, but he’s not really giving them much options here. They do their best to clear the streets of bystanders in preparation for a standoff. At the last minute, Lexi finds a battle-ready Gabe and once more tries to sway him from his choice. Again, he’s stubborn and only wants to spill some blood. Lexi continues trying to talk him down even as the firefight erupts. Gabe knocks out several of the well armed missionaries, but ultimately Lexi is wounded as a result. And, no… not the calm, placid, “last words” kind of wounded. The screaming and writhing on the ground while clutching at handfuls of bloody guts kind. It will be hard to watch.
As Gabe is distracted, the missionaries unexpectedly holster their weapons and the head missionary moves into the open to negotiate. He states, very sympathetically, that Gabe has a choice to make. He can let his hate consume him and open fire, continuing to kill the missionaries, or.. he can surrender and allow them to approach and help the now mortally unconscious Lexi. With their advanced medicine, they will be able to save her. If Gabe keeps fighting, she will die. No tricks.
After a very awkward pause, and with a lot of tears and seething chagrin, Gabe reluctantly throws down his weapon. Missionaries rush up to tend to Lexi and Gabe slouches in bitter defeat. The head missionary turns to Gabe, who sullenly confesses his absolute hatred for their whole wretched organization.
“And that is why I shall weep for you”
Pow.
Ded.
Is sad.
Fade to black
kthxbye.
Thoughts for development plz.
So this new thing keeps the same (basic) characters of Gabe and Lexi, but puts them in a new(ish) universe and a single one-shot storyline that isn’t a multi-billion part epic. It’s about the characters and the plot, and I really want to try and free myself from all the fiddly sciencey bits that I always get caught up in. It’s a sci-fi drama thing that aims to be stupidly depressing because apparently that sort of thing gets my rocks off I guess…
Here’s a doodle of the new Lexi because this thread has no other art yet.
Also Gabe
I’m not sure what I’m going to call it because titles are always a bitch. But I’m open to suggestions if anyone has any after reading this.
SETTING: A more apocalyptic post-apocalypse. For unexplained and unimportant reasons, the world has ended some several hundred years in the past. The resulting landscape is full of rubbleized skyscrapers long since overgrown by hearty plants, looking not totally-unlike a sub-arctic landscape. Bigass boulders with lichen and junk all over them. Doesn’t look anything like a city anymore. It’s always cold and snows a lot. Kinda’ like the subarctic…
The story follows a little farming village eeking out a bleak existence. Farming lichen or something. Technology is old-school, borderline medieval, but with guns and electric generators and stuff you’d expect to be salvaged from the end-of the world. There are other settlements abroad, but they’re only referred to and not important. Basically slummy Europe, circa 1000 AD, but colder and suckier.
CHARACTERS: (forget all the Durus subspecies nonsense and other backstory from the Locust characters)
Gabriel (for lack of a better name atm): He who the conflict resolves. A tragic protagonist if ever there was. He and Lexi (also for lack of better name) were childhood chums growing up in aforementioned shitty dirt-village. When Gabe was 12-ish, he ran away from home to join a roving mercenary band to make some cash (lichen farming doesn’t pay well), leaving Lexi behind. The story begins when Gabe staggers back to the village at around the age of 20-ish, his mind thoroughly busted up from bad stuffs happening in his away time.
Lexi: The second protagonist. Now she’s missing an arm (she was supposed to later on in Locust, and I always thought it would be interesting) from a childhood run-in with a blizzard. She meets Gabe when he comes back and spends most of the story trying to help him with his brain.
Missionaries (and head missionary): The interesting bit of the lot. These guys replace what the Caelestians/Phoenix were in Locust, and have the same high-tech sci-fi look. But I felt that the Pheonix were rapidly falling into a very stereotypical “religious genocide, kill all heritics” rut. So these new guys (not sure what to call them either. Again open to suggestions) take that theme and flip it on its head.
They arrive in small groups from unknown lands far away (a sort of utopia across the sea) on a mission to aide and rescue humanity from the sufferings of the new world (ie, lichen farming). Now, before I go on, it’s very important to say that these guys –have no hidden agenda- . They are good people. They –really- want to help people out. And they do a bang up job of it too. They bring medicine and food, and education and all that gravy stuff. First and foremost, their goal is to be stand-up-humans and aid the unfortunate. But, unfortunately, sometimes people don’t want help, and sometimes they are suffering too much to be helped. Their secondary goal is to prevent any further suffering to the human race, and so sometimes they have to “put people down”. Now, there really isn’t anything evil or malicious behind this. They help people in the same way someone would help a wounded animal. If it’s too far gone, or has rabies or something, they have to deal with it. And they feel really bad about it too. They kill people out of wuv.
SYNOPSIS SORTA: (I really don’t have a good order of events yet, so this is pretty rough)
Gabe wanders blearily back to the village after an eight year stint with a roving mercenary band. He is greeted by his childhood friend, Lexi, who quickly figures out that something is very wrong with him, despite him not saying exactly what it is. Few days pass for some character development stuff, and then a group of missionaries arrives at the village. They are cautiously greeted and after they clearly state their motives and we learn what awesome dudes they are, they start helping out the people in the village. People love them. These guys rock. They fart rainbows of candy out their asses.
As this is going on, Gabe is obviously having some conflicted thoughts about the whole deal and approaches the head missionary for a frank exchange of words. We (and Lexi) learn that the reason Gabe is so fucked up is that not months ago, these same missionaries wiped out his entire merc-party (what has essentially been his family for most of a decade). I have yet to figure out the details, but this will be worthy of a good brain fuck. I’m talking have-to-kill-your-own-parents-because-they’re-screaming-too-much-in-agony kind of insanity inducing. To Gabe’s surprise, the missionary weeps in pity and sympathy as he explains why they had to do it. People who have murdered others (and especially those that make a
career out of it) have brought suffering to humanity, and in order to prevent further suffering, they must be euthanized (I’m sure I’ll make it sound very convincing…). Obviously, Gabe doesn’t expect the person responsible for his misery to start apologizing for it, and being nice and sympathetic towards his suffering. It’s very confusing when this guy who just purposefully finished killing a few hundred people starts deliberately to –mourn- them. It’s weird. So naturally, Gabe doesn’t get it, and it pisses him even more off. How dare this fucker cry for people he just killed. How can he grieve like a family member for people he didn’t even know? Gabe leaves in an emotional train wreck and disappears. Lexi and the head missionary discuss the situation. Pointedly, the missionaries see the only way to help Gabriel, and to keep him from harming others is to find him and put him out of his misery. Not surprisingly, Lexi disagrees and argues that she can help him without the unfortunate side effect of death. More debate on the subject , and Lexi leaves to find Gabe.
Hiding in a cave or something on the outskirts Gabe is rapidly drowning in a sea of hate. Dispite Lexi’s attempts to drag him out of it, he just can’t escape from his desire to seek revenge. These missionaries have insulted him and his dead friends so deeply that the only thing to do is to kill the whole lot of them (which he has the tools for, being an ex-merc). He is absolutely blinded by rage.
<Some bridging stuff happens here I’m too lazy to figure out right now>
The missionaries are still at the village, continuing their duties and not particularly seeking out Gabe unless he starts screwing around. Then he starts screwing around and sends a clear message by knifing one of them in the night and putting him up for display. The other missionaries feel bad about this, and really don’t –want- to kill Gabe, but he’s not really giving them much options here. They do their best to clear the streets of bystanders in preparation for a standoff. At the last minute, Lexi finds a battle-ready Gabe and once more tries to sway him from his choice. Again, he’s stubborn and only wants to spill some blood. Lexi continues trying to talk him down even as the firefight erupts. Gabe knocks out several of the well armed missionaries, but ultimately Lexi is wounded as a result. And, no… not the calm, placid, “last words” kind of wounded. The screaming and writhing on the ground while clutching at handfuls of bloody guts kind. It will be hard to watch.
As Gabe is distracted, the missionaries unexpectedly holster their weapons and the head missionary moves into the open to negotiate. He states, very sympathetically, that Gabe has a choice to make. He can let his hate consume him and open fire, continuing to kill the missionaries, or.. he can surrender and allow them to approach and help the now mortally unconscious Lexi. With their advanced medicine, they will be able to save her. If Gabe keeps fighting, she will die. No tricks.
After a very awkward pause, and with a lot of tears and seething chagrin, Gabe reluctantly throws down his weapon. Missionaries rush up to tend to Lexi and Gabe slouches in bitter defeat. The head missionary turns to Gabe, who sullenly confesses his absolute hatred for their whole wretched organization.
“And that is why I shall weep for you”
Pow.
Ded.
Is sad.
Fade to black
kthxbye.
Thoughts for development plz.
McGibs on
0
Posts
I like it.
e: I don't get why they're so understanding of Gabe when he "starts screwing around". Seems like if they knew he knifed the missionary, they'd just "put him down" right then.
e2: Upon further review I see that they do try to kill Gabe. Now I'm wondering what arguments Lexi could possibly use to get Gabe to turn back. Seems at that point he already crossed the Rubicon.
edit:
Um its sweet. Do it.
I disagree with D-Robes first, I get the whole Jesus turn the other cheek thing from that. Then he continues to provoke them and they are forced to fight back.
I also dont see much need to add anything where you put <some briding stuff happens> I can see that being a pretty easy to follow cut from lexi trying to talk him out of it to say the next panel where you have a cleric whos just been stabbed and you find out it was Gabe who stabbed him.
Am I making any sense?
It... sort of does.
Second, there are plenty of opportunities to break gabe's psyche. combat evasion and survival, witnessing torture/atrocities, tough moral choices, etc.
Third, there has to be a triggering event. Maybe they kill another mercenary while they're there? They kill gabes dad? Lexi becomes indoctrinated? Something has to push him over the edge. I'm sure that in real life you don't need an event in order to snap, but in fiction you do.
that's all I can come up with for right now.
Well, its not like he'd be standing there over top of the corpse. It'd be a message of "fuck you" consisting of a dead missionary with a knife in his neck.
And I'm not sure yet what Lexi will say. That's a finer detail.
Yeah, I guess you're right. I was just thinking the tension would be higher if there was still the possibility that he might turn back and 'happily ever after' with Lexi. Seems like it would be too late at that point.
Then again, I guess they could both just run away from the town/city/ruins.
Thanks, this is stuff I can use.
I'll be sure to have glimpses of the merc group sprinkled throughout. Mucked up flashbacks seem cliched, but I'll see if I can do them in an interesting way.
Agreed on the breakage. This story will only work if Gabe is -really- broken, for understandable and legitimate reasons. Otherwise he's just a pussy who cant deal with stuff.
Good call on the triggering event. I guess sitting in a cave brooding until finally going to kill someone isnt really a dramatic climax. I'll put some thought into that.
I also hate quiet and dignified death scenes. I'd imagine that if id I took I bullet to my squishy bits, I wouldn't be worried so much about delivering a poetic dieing line.
I love the Medic's death scene in Saving Private Ryan because its so hard to watch.
Your current ending could make for some really powerful catharsis, but might leave some readers accustomed to modern, 'hollywood' style narratives unfulfilled.
Then again you can't please everyone.
It still sounds super ambitious though, so I hope you don't get sucked into the Locust ..1 traps.
e: I hope that didn't come off as conceited. For the record, I'm the laziest guy ever. In fact I once watched infomercials for two hours because the remote was just out of arms reach.
panicked and pained gasping and clutching at things is acceptable though, I find.
My nitpick was that if these missionaries have medicine advanced enough to save someone from evisceration or some other mortal wounds, then they would likely have mind-drugs or some method of treating desperate cases instead of killing them.
That is, unless you're trying to reveal their ultimate flaw by showing that inconsistency- that's why I was hesitant to say anything.
Yeah, he was calling out to his mom while dying and his friends were trying to save him. Then there is that silence.
It's one thing if he gives up to save Lexi, and knowingly sacrifices himself, but it seems different that he gives up to save her, and at the point where she is being saved and he could be saved he throws away his life for his hate.
If that's the way it is though, you need to build him up so that his hatred is his only reason to live or something along those lines. I guess it goes hand in hand with him snapping.
That just for a brief moment he puts it aside to save her, but is unable to release it to save himself
It's seems if that were the case the quiet confession would be anathema to his hatred and the story would be better served by him lunging at the missionaries only to be put down.
(which can also serve as a starting point if you decide to continue the story, whether you do or no is your choice but you can leave his death ambiguous)
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BFBC2
Sounds entertaining. Sounds bleak. I think you should definitely push the tension to kind of a razors edge where theres just so much chance for terrible things happening. Sort of like Breaking Bad.
Can you summarize your comic idea into an elevator pitch?
artistjeffc.tumblr.com http://www.etsy.com/shop/artistjeffc
It doesn't involve people with awesome powers and no memories or sad robot girls so it's nothing you'd be interested in.
Put it in a sentence!
Well meaning, technologically advanced missionaries put down enraged, revenge seeking ex mercenary raider after he stops fighting to allow them to help his accidentally wounded child hood friend.
there are emotional opportunities there
Leaves home (selfish, doing it for blood money)
Comes back (only because he needs help)
Angsts around for a couple weeks
Murders a dude for revenge
Gets the one person who cares about him almost killed because he's being a prick
NOBLE SACRIFICE! FEEL SAD NOW!
I mean, I get that he's supposed to have his mind all fucked up and angry at Kratos-type levels, yeah- but as much as I like Kratos as a character, if he tried to pull the 'noble sacrifice card' I wouldn't exactly be choked up by it, considering he's basically a prick and his troubles come as a direct result of him being a prick. While I don't think it's possible to write Kratos-level prickishness by accident, there remains a risk of the same sort of audience emotional disconnect occurring if the character development is handled indelicately.
Obviously this is just a bare bones synopsis, and likely you're omitting things for the sake of brevity, but the only thing you've got redeeming him so far is Lexi's word- something that, if not backed up with actions at some level, will just end up ringing hollow, making her just look deluded more than anything.
Right now Gabe's character arc is looking like Darth Vader's, if Star Wars only consisted of episode 2, 3, and the end of 6. A lot of lead up angst, then 'oh no guy's gonna die if I don't <noble sacrifice> dawg!'. You can't make a dramatic fall if you're never higher than 6 inches off the ground, if you get my meaning. (Not that I mean to say, "hey, you should add some more episode 1 bits to it!" because Episode 1 just made everyone hate Anakin from the world go, but that's more because it was poorly written and characterized and full of a bunch of random bullshit, rather than the idea that "Anakin was once a decent human being" being a bad one).
Of course, you could go the other way with this- keep Gabe a statically motivated character, and make Lexi the main character- make the point of the story more about the tragedy that comes with getting attached to the wrong sort of person, rather than making the focus about a PTSD dude doing an honorable samurai death. I mean that could make it into a sort of sci-fi Paul Verhoeven-directed Lifetime original movie kind of a thing, which might be a little odd, but it could be an interesting take on it.
In any case, this isn't saying you need to change anything with the story or anything, just something to think about when you go to flesh this out a bit so you get across the intended emotional notes.
Twitter
For the techno-brain-drugs saving Gabe, I'll be sure to make it clear that the missionaries truly believe that the ONLY solution is euthanization. They may believe in a soul, that cannot be healed by drugs, or a strong sense of justice for him to answer for the things he's done. Regardless, Lexi can use it as an argument to save him and they can shoot it down with an explanation. They've dealt with cases like this many times before. Death is the only solution.
Fo sure.
@AoB: Great observations.
I totally agree it's a fine line to tread, especially as Gabe is sort of the antagonist of the story. It's really his inability to deal with things that all this bad stuff happens.
Let me delve a little deeper into his character (I agree the actions he takes in the synopsis are pretty dickish), which is a little closer to his Locust themes.
He's not particularly angry or vengeful per say, its more that he is incredibly tormented and carries alot of traumatic demons. He may not necessarily want to act on them, but they are too powerful for him to contain.
If he is ligitimatly trying to fight them, it makes Lexi's struggle much more valid as well. He isnt just dismissing her every attempt. He really is -hurt- and wants help. His true character is very likeable, but he is torn in many directions. For the reader, I want to really have them root for him to get better, making it more impactful when he cant.
His reasons for leaving to join the mercs will be legitimate. Perhaps unwanted by his family, or out of necessity to provide for them.
His return is awkward. Hes been wandering around for a while and is pretty out of it when he gets back.
His angsting around will be tryting very hard to overcome his hate. Maybe he almost will, but then that "triggering event" will occur and he falls again.
Then at the end, he almost gets it again, but can't. In the eyes of the missionaries, he is saved and his suffering is ended. So in a crappy way, he does get over it.
So instead of riding your jock, let me point some stuff out that i didn't really agree with. (Or just some pointers)
The priest guys seem pretty quick with a trigger. From your notes it seems that you really want these guys to be stand up fellas, but it seems like they're more wolves in sheeps clothes.
Seems weird that gabe would just leave again...i was thinking maybe the village would want the help of the priest guys and in turn ask gabe to leave because he protested them too much?
I feel too much confusion as to who the "bad guy" is. Is it gabe because the priests are good? Is it the priests because we are supposed to be following gabes story? Is it no one and everything is sort of a shade of grey?
I guess i just feel like there needs to be more fleshing out?
I know whatever you do will be awesome.
You are thinking way too simplistically
and then along the right lines
utopia across the sea
They fart rainbows
a new(ish) universe
multi-billion part epic
A more apocalyptic post-apocalypse
lichen farming doesn’t pay well
Quick chicken scratch of Gabe walkin around.
joking, of course. what's the page count you're looking at with this?
Also, to pull on the heart string a little more with his death, you could give him a nobler reason for leaving initially. Maybe a "I'll (naively) go build us a better life than lichen farming and come back and get you."
Dicking around some more.
Smashnose!
He shall hence forth be known as 'Sniffles'.
I hope you're serious. Thats a fear inspiring and awesome name.