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A lady dilemma.

EliminationElimination Registered User regular
edited August 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
Well about 6 months ago i ended up sort of rekindling a friendship with a childhood friend. I had actually become reasonably good friends with her older sister who lives near me. Well this girl, she moved in with my friend (her older sister.) about 7 months ago, i hadn't seen her in YEARS, somewhere in the 10 year region, not since we were kiddos. Well we got to hanging out, and realized as we'd aged we had become a lot alike. She is actually a year and a half older than me, but thats nothing really.

Anyways this friendship seemed to build up increadibly fast, soon she was coming over all the time, calling me up, we would go out together and have a great time. I wasn't truly interested at first in persuing any kind of relationship beyond friendship though for the first few months, i just was enjoying having a really awesome friend to hang around with. Well after a while she started staying the night here instead of going home, which i was fine with since we live extremely close and she'd often stay here very late into the night. I am fairly used to female friends of mine staying the night at my place, in my bed and not in a sexual fashion. Most of my best friends...actually all of them, are women, its always how its been for me. Well we had gone out partying one night, and came back, we had been drinking ect with her sister and some of out mutual friends at a private party in a local night club. We sat down, fired up the 360 and started playing some Left 4 Dead (We play games together often.) we were having more fun than usual because we had been drinking so obviously hilarity insued.

Anyhow, she starts going a little silent after about 20 minutes, and then puts down the controller. I ask whats wrong and she just kind of looks at me and starts spilling out all this stuff about how she is totally in love with me and that she doesn't know what to do because she isnt sure if she wants a relationship, and she knew that (at the time.) i didn't want one. I was really taken aback by all this because i really did not detect any feelings from her previous to this, and i am usually really quick to pick up on those kinds of things. Well anyways, i kept it well hidden but i really liked her too, and i told her that that night, and we ended up sleeping together and it was amazing.

Now i had to move away for 6 months, and while i was gone she called me every week that i was out there. I told her that she should not feel that she needs to wait for me or anything, and that i would not be angry or like her any less if she found somone else. She did have a boyfriend while i was gone, but only for about a week, and she told me she split with him because "He just didn't compare to what we had".

Flash forward to now, i just moved back to where i was before after 6 months, so i am officially back in the same area as her now. She immediately comes to my place, the day i arrive on the plane and she spends the night here for about the first 4 days. It makes me really happy that we pretty much picked up where we had left off....or so i thought:

Heres the big dilemma, she seems to only show affection to me when we are alone together. If we are around her sister, her friends, or outdoors she seems to act completely differently. She seems very distant all the time unless we are alone, or she has been drinking. She has a lot of guys that want to be with her in the way that i am, she is increadibly gorgeous (I'm talking blonde model hot, i shit you not.) so i am used to a lot of guys trying to get with her in my presance, she doesn't really respond to them either. But i am extremely bothered by the fact that she shows very little affection to me unless she is drunk, or nobody can see us, she has shown me affection before infront of people, and if anyone spends any length of time with us they figure it out, but sometimes it feels like she wants me, but only sometimes....almost feel like a booty call or something? It's sort of hard to explain.

She hangs around with a lot of guys, and i know for a fact many of them want to hook up with her, i know because she openly discusses these things with me, and how she is annoyed at having to reject them when she just wants to be friends with them, which i understand, she is kind of a tomboy. But she still will spend the night at some of their houses, and one of them is a guy she used to date. I have absolutely no problem with her hanging out with guys, or whoever she wants, i am the opposite of jelous, and we dont have an official relationship, i've never actually asked her out or anything, despite her discussing a relationship with me on a few occasions. But i don't want to be a callback guy, you know? I don't want to be sleeping with her if she is also sleeping with other people. She says she is not, and that it's only me, but she spends the night at other guys places who i know try to sleep with her, and she drinks a lot, more than she should. She also tends to get really nieve and impressionable when she drinks, sometimes she doesn't really realize whats going on around her.

The thing is i like our relationship a lot, and i don't really want to ruin it by being all "Hey are you sleeping with other guys? Cuz thats really not cool with me" when we aren't really official at the moment. I'm just sort of on the fence if i really CAN trust the things she saying to me, or if she is telling me about rejecting these guys to throw me off so she can keep coming back to me. I have been lied to and such by people like that in the past, especially my last girlfriend, so maybe i am just overthinking it? I feel like i can trust what she says, and i want to, but my guy instinct is telling me something is up. She was recenly very affectionate with me infronty of one of her guy friends who came over to my place with her, he spent the night on the couch and she even came to bed with me that night, so thats something. But overall it kind of feels like she loves me when shes drunk/not around her friends, but when we are out in the open or shes sober there is absolutely no affection to speak of.

Honestly i'd like it to be one or the other, i would love to have her as a good friend and scrap this whole relationship nonsense, but id also love to persue a relationship seriously with her in the future. Right now this is not a possibiltiy because i am leaving again for RCMP (Police) training stuff for about 5 months or so in a little while, but that distance before seemed to not have hurt anything, i just dont feel right tying her down to me if i will not be around. She discusses having relationships with me all the time though for when im done making something of myself. Also in truthful honesty now that i've gotten this close relationship with her, where i feel i can talk to her about anything, i have become completely disinterested in all other women around me, none of them seem to compare. But still, i would love to know what i should do? I dont want to ruin whats happening by seeming to act jelous, but i also dont really feel like being toyed with all that much, i'd rather have it be one or the other. D:

I know this situation might be confusing, but i tried my best to explain it.

Also i've only been in town about a week, and after sleeping with me a few times the first two days, she told me she was not on the pill anymore. She initiated the sexual advances as well, not me, and she did not inform me of this until after the fact...sooooo what are the odds of something coming out of that? it was only...twice? She didn't seem to care, she said she would not mind at all if something did. Which is strange, but at the same time i am about to go into a promising career, and i am 24, i could deal with it, but still, she didnt tell me. And it kind of feels like it was on purpose.

Elimination on
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Posts

  • DunxcoDunxco Should get a suit Never skips breakfastRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I really think it'd be best for the both of you if you called it quits. You seem to be in a very transitional period of your life, hopping to and fro from place to place, and it's not really giving the relationship an opportunity to flourish. It's not fair on her to leave her hanging for weeks/months on end for you to come back, and it's not fair on you to go through torture because you feel insecure about whether or not she's seeing other people. Better you save yourself a lot of pain and hassle.

    Also, she didn't tell you she stopped taking birth control? Were any other precautions taken on her behalf? That's a pretty deceptive thing to do, and if I were in your shoes I wouldn't be particularly calm about the situation, or attached to this woman for pulling a stunt like that. Drop the relationship, see if you can salvage a friendship - it's just terrible timing.

  • Gnome-InterruptusGnome-Interruptus Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I would say talk to her about it, ask her if she would be cool with a long distance relationship.

    The other option is you just let things simmer, and eventually she decides that she doesnt want to be alone. And you spend the rest of your life between now and when you get married wondering if she was the one that got away.

    Even more so if you are trying to become an RCMP Officer, because from what I understand, you might end up stationed in a different city / town after you finish training anyways.

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  • rfaliasrfalias Registered User
    edited July 2009

    Also i've only been in town about a week, and after sleeping with me a few times the first two days, she told me she was not on the pill anymore. She initiated the sexual advances as well, not me, and she did not inform me of this until after the fact...sooooo what are the odds of something coming out of that? it was only...twice? She didn't seem to care, she said she would not mind at all if something did. Which is strange, but at the same time i am about to go into a promising career, and i am 24, i could deal with it, but still, she didnt tell me. And it kind of feels like it was on purpose.

    It only takes once

    *Bweeee ooo Bweeee ooo Bweee ooo* (My attempt at alarms going off)
    This should have sent up big waving red flags. I would have put my track shoes on. That's a small detail to forget(intentionally it sounds like). I'm not entirely sure what to make of it quite yet, but that would not bode well with me, not at all.

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  • CenturionCenturion Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    It sounds like neither you nor her have a clear idea of what your relation is or should be. You should tell her what YOU want it to be. Since you don't appear to really know what you want right now, some introspection is in order. Maybe use the five months that you're going to be away to

    a) find out if she's pregnant

    b) decide if you want to have a serious relationship with her

    When you return, if the spark is till there and you have decided you want a real relationship, ask her out and explain yourself. If she doesn't want a relationship, or you decide that you don't want one, tell her that you would like to revert to friendship rather than being a sex object.

    If you do end up trying to build a real relationship, ask her why she didn't tell you that she wasn't on the pill anymore. No sane woman would just forget about that unless really drunk so I can only imagine it to be a perverted way of forcing you into a serious relationship (which would also be more than slightly insane).

    Reflecting on the whole story, I would hazard a guess that she wants a serious relationship but has insecurities about admitting it because she believes you don't. So again, just make up your mind and tell her.

  • SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2009
    rfalias wrote: »

    Also i've only been in town about a week, and after sleeping with me a few times the first two days, she told me she was not on the pill anymore. She initiated the sexual advances as well, not me, and she did not inform me of this until after the fact...sooooo what are the odds of something coming out of that? it was only...twice? She didn't seem to care, she said she would not mind at all if something did. Which is strange, but at the same time i am about to go into a promising career, and i am 24, i could deal with it, but still, she didnt tell me. And it kind of feels like it was on purpose.

    It only takes once

    *Bweeee ooo Bweeee ooo Bweee ooo* (My attempt at alarms going off)
    This should have sent up big waving red flags. I would have put my track shoes on. That's a small detail to forget(intentionally it sounds like). I'm not entirely sure what to make of it quite yet, but that would not bode well with me, not at all.

    Were you using condoms? Because honestly, you should be using condoms. Protection is the responsibility of both parties. Plus, the pill only protects against pregnancy, not STDs.

  • SmurphSmurph Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    She discusses having relationships with me all the time though for when im done making something of myself.

    In addition to the pill/pregnancy stuff others have pointed out, this sends up huge red flags for me. Right now it sounds like she's content to sorta be with you but also do whatever with other guys because hey, you aren't official. Yet when you have a career and can provide stability she's totally down to be your girlfriend. I think that's unfair to you.

  • ChillyWillyChillyWilly Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    First, it would not be at all wrong of you to question her about sleeping at other guy's places. Even if you guys aren't in a relationship, you have every right to know if she's sleeping with other guys, if they're using condoms, etc. That kind of stuff can affect your meat and potatoes if those other dudes aren't wrapping it up.

    Secondly, any girl that "forgets" her birth control and "doesn't mind" that she does has a problem. Condoms can break. It's especially bad if she happens to be having sex with more than one partner. That's a whole mess of problems if she does happen to be come pregnant. Who's the dad? WHO FUCKING KNOWS? Not a good situation right there.

    Third, how you want this to go down depends on what kind of relationship you want with this girl. Either you love her and want to be with her or you don't and you're ok just being friends and (maybe) fuck buddies. If it's the first, you need to say something to her and figure out where she's at. If you guys aren't in the same place, then it's done. Move on. Keep the friendship if possible. If you guys are in the same place, then it's time for a serious talk about how she acts around you in public.

    If it's the second one, then continue doing what you're doing. It all just depends on what you want this girl.

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  • MrMonroeMrMonroe Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I was going to say "just talk to her and make it clear that you want a real, exclusive relationship or you just want to be friends" and then you threw that last paragraph out there and it made me want to throw a bag over your head and haul you out of that situation in an armored van.

    First of all, it sounds like you aren't sure if she's sleeping with other people or not, and yet you're not using protection.

    bad Elimination. no treat for you. get thee to a free clinic. (and find out if she's preggers ASAP)

    Second, just "not having a problem" with having a baby is pretty damn effed up, and the purposeful cessation of birth control measures is kind of a lunatic move. Do you want a child? No? Well then you do not want a child. Ambivalence is an unreasonable and unrealistic position to maintain in the matter. I would put it on hold, and have a nice talk with her about what she wants from you.

  • ChanusChanus Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
  • ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    MrMonroe wrote: »
    I was going to say "just talk to her and make it clear that you want a real, exclusive relationship or you just want to be friends" and then you threw that last paragraph out there and it made me want to throw a bag over your head and haul you out of that situation in an armored van.

    First of all, it sounds like you aren't sure if she's sleeping with other people or not, and yet you're not using protection.

    bad Elimination. no treat for you. get thee to a free clinic. (and find out if she's preggers ASAP)

    Second, just "not having a problem" with having a baby is pretty damn effed up, and the purposeful cessation of birth control measures is kind of a lunatic move. Do you want a child? No? Well then you do not want a child. Ambivalence is an unreasonable and unrealistic position to maintain in the matter. I would put it on hold, and have a nice talk with her about what she wants from you.

    Yeah, I was in the middle of writing the same thing.

    Yes it takes two to tango but a "hey, I stopped taking the pill so you might want to wrap that up" would have have been highly helpful. Hell, she could have just said "hey, I stopped taking the pill" and she would have lived up to her half of the tango.

    Devils Advocate says he could have asked her if she was still on the pill.

    Either way, she withheld information that could affect them both for the rest of their lives for petes sake!

    Hope you got a rogue with you because I smell a trap.

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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I was expecting this was going to be a discussion on feminine hygiene products due to the thread title. (No, I have no idea why I clicked it with that being true. Curiosity?)

    It doesn't sound like there's a significant amount of mature, thoughtful behavior going on. A lack of mature, careful thought does not match well with the possibility of baby-makins. It's totally cool to explore a relationship, figure out your feelings, etc. Just... wear a condom for chrissake. You're posting concerned about how to behave in response to this girl making advances on you/not making enough of them, basically. Pregnancy should not be something on the horizon at this time, at all.

    Edit:
    And I echo what someone else said. She certainly should have made you aware of the fact that she was not on the pill. However, you're a big boy. In life, you're responsible for your own sexual health. Aside from the fact that you should have been using a condom for health reasons, you should have had a healthy curiosity regarding what birth control methods were in place. She is responsible to herself for whether she gets pregnant. You are responsible to yourself for whether you become a daddy.

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  • TinuzTinuz Registered User
    edited July 2009
    Oh dear...run, Forest, run!

    As some people have said, she seems only interest in you once you 'have made something of yourself'. To me, that sounds like someone is trying to get a free ride.

    Moreover, she is sleeping over at other guys's places all the while she knows that this makes you uncomfortable. This is not about being 'official' or not, because whether the public knows or not there is the other person psyche to take into account. This, together with her distant behavior in public looks, IMHO, like someone likes you but not enough to actually be exclusive with you. That, or she can't make up her mind and doesn't want to close off any options.

    Finally....birth control is something that needs to be discussed at length, and the whole picture always needs to be open to both parties. If someone doesn't do this...well, then they are too careless, or have a blatant disregard for your wishes. Oh, not sure about this...but if you get suckered into having a kid with someone....do you still have to provide for the kid? Not saying you should or shouldn't (really, you made a kid, you should care for it). But it may give you a bit more 'flexibility' to put your foot down should she chose to behave immaturely (which, I'd say, is more than likely).

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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Tinuz wrote: »
    Finally....birth control is something that needs to be discussed at length, and the whole picture always needs to be open to both parties. If someone doesn't do this...well, then they are too careless, or have a blatant disregard for your wishes. Oh, not sure about this...but if you get suckered into having a kid with someone....do you still have to provide for the kid? Not saying you should or shouldn't (really, you made a kid, you should care for it). But it may give you a bit more 'flexibility' to put your foot down should she chose to behave immaturely (which, I'd say, is more than likely).

    You make it, you buy it. The father has some strict financial responsibilities no matter what. There are a lot of ways that birth control could fail, including human error, and the father is always fully culpable.

    "Well, look at this. Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What's that make us?"
    "Big Damn Heroes, Sir."
    "Ain't we just."
  • TinuzTinuz Registered User
    edited July 2009
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Tinuz wrote: »
    Finally....birth control is something that needs to be discussed at length, and the whole picture always needs to be open to both parties. If someone doesn't do this...well, then they are too careless, or have a blatant disregard for your wishes. Oh, not sure about this...but if you get suckered into having a kid with someone....do you still have to provide for the kid? Not saying you should or shouldn't (really, you made a kid, you should care for it). But it may give you a bit more 'flexibility' to put your foot down should she chose to behave immaturely (which, I'd say, is more than likely).

    You make it, you buy it. The father has some strict financial responsibilities no matter what. There are a lot of ways that birth control could fail, including human error, and the father is always fully culpable.

    Yeah, besides, proving you got suckered into something would be a difficult thing. It sucks though, if this is her way of binding him to her for a longer term.

    Quelreth wrote:
    .....when you made it sound like turning on a blacklight in your room would be like setting off a flashbang.
  • mugginnsmugginns Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    She hangs around with a lot of guys, and i know for a fact many of them want to hook up with her, i know because she openly discusses these things with me, and how she is annoyed at having to reject them when she just wants to be friends with them, which i understand, she is kind of a tomboy. But she still will spend the night at some of their houses, and one of them is a guy she used to date. I have absolutely no problem with her hanging out with guys, or whoever she wants, i am the opposite of jelous, and we dont have an official relationship, i've never actually asked her out or anything, despite her discussing a relationship with me on a few occasions. But i don't want to be a callback guy, you know? I don't want to be sleeping with her if she is also sleeping with other people. She says she is not, and that it's only me, but she spends the night at other guys places who i know try to sleep with her, and she drinks a lot, more than she should. She also tends to get really nieve and impressionable when she drinks, sometimes she doesn't really realize whats going on around her.

    You should probably get tested.

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  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Well see, she told me she had gone off the pill because she had decided not to sleep with anyone once i had left. This gitl talks to me about EVERYTHING and it makes me inclined to trust her when she says these things. The reason im having doubts about it is mainly in my head because ive been burned in the past, i have no reason to believe she has lied to me/is lying to me, its more of an "in my gut" feeling, but at the same time im inclined to trust her about that because well, she tells me about everything, even stuff she doesn't tell her sister/best friend. Really personal stuff. So i just wanted to make that part of this tale a little more clear.

    But yes i did not use protection, she had been on the pill forever, and we had slept together without using condoms in the past because we were only with each other. I have personally seen her reject a lot of guys, i think it just comes with the territory that she is an increadibly attractive girl, but she seems to not be slutting it around, it isn't like i've caught her in the act or anything, i just kind of have a bad feeling about it, because i've been burned in the past you know? I kind of freaked out a little when she slept with me, which i might stress she initiated i made absolutely no advances on her when i first got back, because i wasn't sure about our relationship anymore. I assumed when she initiated that she was still on the pill, like she always was, it was not until after that she told me she wasn't and then started talking about how she wouldn't mind. I did freak out a bit, kinda like "Umm...WHAT!?" but it's a little too late for that, yeah i should have used a condom, but i also wasn't planning to sleep with her when i arrived from my trip.

    Don't get me wrong, if something comes out of it i wont run away, i won't try to prove i was suckered into it or anything, because it wasn't really that difficult for her to "sucker me in". I'm just personally a little miffed that she "forgot" to leave out that little detail. And then the things she said afterward were a little odd. She's never really done anything like this before so it's a little strange. Especially when im in a very transitional part of my life, which is why i havn't officially persued any exclusive relationship with her, like a poster above said, it wouldn't be fair to expect her to wait while i ran off and did all this stuff. But at the same time, 5 months passed before, and it didn't seem to effect the relationship at all, if anything on her side it seems to have made her want me more.

    Though still, at the same time, like i said she can be really, really distant when we aren't alone sometimes, and i find that really weird how she can be really affetionate sometimes, and then totally distant other times. Is it because she isn't sure, or is it because she knows that i'm not sure? Her sister, in talking to her, has told me that this girl is "totally in love with me" as she put it. But she has an odd way of showing it i guess? Maybe we are both just beating around the bush for no reason and she is just waiting for me to do something?

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  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I'm just personally a little miffed that she "forgot" to leave out that little detail.

    Considering we're talking about not using any kind of birth control at all, I'd be more than a 'little' miffed about this. That's some fucked up shit right there.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I'm just personally a little miffed that she "forgot" to leave out that little detail.

    Considering we're talking about not using any kind of birth control at all, I'd be more than a 'little' miffed about this. That's some fucked up shit right there.

    Well the reason i got over it is because honestly at this time i cant really see being with anyone else. Shes drop dead gorgeous, i've never met anyone who is into literally everything that i like. We play games together, she even has her own 360 and games all the time at home, so she isn't a closet gamer, she really is one. She loves reading the books i read, she watches the kind of shows i watch, she loves horror movies like i do. She has a hollywood crush on Bruce Campbell, who is all kinds of awesome. Honestly what are the odds of me ever finding someone who comes close to this? Probably not high. So i guess that factors heavily into why i am not as angry about that situation as i probably should be, its because i could totally see myself investing a lot of my life in this relationship. But i don't really want to do that until i am done this, and am in my career and can support a family proper, i don't want to be irresponsible or tie her down to me when at the moment, i don't personally feel i am really worth it yet? I don't really have a lot of money, im in debt (nothing huge mind you.) but i am about to launch into a lifelong career that i have wanted since i was a kid. But maybe she is willing to wait through this? I dont know, it's just increadibly confusing for me, because i know she has so many other guys after her who already have their shit together (many of which are 5-6-7 years older than myself, remmeber she is nearly 2 years older than me herself.) but she doesn't seem to really...actively persue them you know? At least not that i've seen. I'm just really, really uncertain because i have a lot of issues with how she conducts herself, such as this birth control thing, and i believe she is developing a serious drinking problem.

    Edit: Oh yeah, and her favourite game of all time is Baldurs Gate. If that gives you any indication of being a real hot gamer chick. Only hot girl i've met that has sat down and had a serious conversation about Baldur's Gate with before.

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  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The last thing you want to do when building a new relationship with someone is to do it while they're pregnant with your bastard. I don't care how gorgeous and compatible she is.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The last thing you want to do when building a new relationship with someone is to do it while they're pregnant with your bastard. I don't care how gorgeous and compatible she is.

    We don't know this for certain yet...and the relationship basis is already there. But i know what you are saying, but it isn't like this was a "one night stand" situation here. This has been a 6-7 month long "relationship" (Whatever it is.) that has been going on. I'm just unsure about it to begin with, and now this happens? D:

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  • The LandoStanderThe LandoStander Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I'm going to chime in with the get the fuck out right now crowd.

    You've shared a nice story so I'll return the favor and explain why this is something that is cause to make double sure you're not a dad and then proceed to change your locks or whatever needs to be done to keep things at a friends level if that is even possible.

    My brother-in-law was a decently performing pre-med student (he was going to be a dentist like his father) who had a girlfriend who of course told him that he was the only one she ever had sex with, they were together after all. She 'forgot' to use the pill (she wasn't a terribly bright girl so maybe that's the truth) and next thing you know? It's shotgun weddin' time! Her family turned out to be crazy religious. About a year after my niece-in-law is born it turns out that my brother-in-laws wife wants a divorce, oh, and she's been cheating on him essentially from conception to marriage to the divorce. I guess all those guy friends she had were quite a bit more than friends. Fast forward to about 8 years later. My brother-in-law after a costly custody battle for his daughter (she was actually his child), several years spent working at Wal-Mart and going on food stamps so he can manage to go to a Chiropractic college now owns a decent house in his home town with his second wife and sees his daughter every other weekend or so and gets to pay several hundred dollars a month to support his daughter.

    Things can indeed be fine if you're an accidental father, but it doesn't make life easier by any stretch of the imagination. The fact that this girl 'forgot' to tell you and didn't suggest a condom run sends up huge red flags. Her hot/cold private/public relationship with you is also a little troubling but not entirely out of the ordinary, the relationship isn't terribly old and seemingly not very official except when she's tipsy and alone with you. Also, if she gets tipsy when she's alone with you who's to say she doesn't get tipsy with other guys and then 'forgets' that they slept together?

    I'd tell her that since neither of you seems to be 100% behind this relationship and since you are sort of on the verge of beginning a career which means you're uncertain of where you'll wind up in life that maybe you should take another hiatus like that decade long one that you had before? Also, it's time to go get a pregnancy test, buy two actually, sometimes they come in multi-packs. Always double test to hedge bets on a false positive or false negative.

    You're 24, you've got a lot of living to do and she's 25-26 I guess, which means she's also got plenty of time. Get that career and settle yourself a little and then maybe give her a call or maybe by then you'll have met someone new.

    Maybe someday, they'll see a hero's just a man. Who knows he's free.
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The last thing you want to do when building a new relationship with someone is to do it while they're pregnant with your bastard. I don't care how gorgeous and compatible she is.

    We don't know this for certain yet...and the relationship basis is already there. But i know what you are saying, but it isn't like this was a "one night stand" situation here. This has been a 6-7 month long "relationship" (Whatever it is.) that has been going on. I'm just unsure about it to begin with, and now this happens? D:

    You're an idiot. She pretty much admitted to trying to "Oops!" you and you're going back for more because she's pretty? I don't care is she's a hot gamer chick because she's nuts. There is nothing normal or sane about 'forgetting' you're not on BC and 'forgetting' to mention this fact to the guy you are for all intents and purposes merely a fuck buddy with.

    PS: As has been stated, you don't stop using condoms even if she's on the pill until you are in a serious, monogamous relationship unless you want the Clap.

  • JebusUDJebusUD Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    She seems to love you. You love her right? make your relationship official. And wear condoms.

    You haven't given me a reason to steer clear of you!
  • mugginnsmugginns Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Yeah again you should get tested. Chick is staying at other dudes' houses, telling you she's not doing anything. You said she gets nuts when she is drunk. You have had unprotected sex with her. You don't want the hivvy. Get tested and give her the boot.

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  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Yeahh i think im gonna flat out confront her about everything and straight up just ask. I've never just straight up asked if she sleeps with other people or anything, she just always says she doesnt sleep with so and so or so and so and is annoyed when they try to make moves on her. But i feel its something i should definately know 100%, especially with how shes's been toward me recently, all kind of...odd.

    And if things go badly its probably best i just cut her off. That seems to be the thing my friends are telling me to do, and here. Many of my friends are telling me to cut her off right now, and not even talk to her, but i don't think i can do that, i do really like her, but i don't like the uncertainties.

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    MechWarrior Online: Khyber Pryde
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    It's not out of the realm of possibility that she's just friends with these guys, and she isn't sexually attracted to them, and she's telling the truth. It's also perfectly reasonable that she's an attractive young woman who can have sex with whomever she wants and didn't feel the need to inform you because you two aren't exclusive.

  • IogaIoga Registered User
    edited July 2009
    Gonna just skip right over the whole birth control thing, I assume you've gotten the thrust of what people are trying to say about that.

    I'd say you should put it to her as clearly as you can. Tell her where your life is hopefully going, say you'll be gone for months and you want to know if she wants to keep what you two have going. If she does, be clear about the things you would like to see changed - mainly the clear implication that you'd like some exclusivity. I don't know if that's the same thing as confronting her, but there's nothing wrong with wanting some clarity.

    If not, break it off and start your new life as a member of the fuzz, content with the bittersweet knowledge that you said what you needed to say and the ball was in her court.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    It's not out of the realm of possibility that she's just friends with these guys, and she isn't sexually attracted to them, and she's telling the truth. It's also perfectly reasonable that she's an attractive young woman who can have sex with whomever she wants and didn't feel the need to inform you because you two aren't exclusive.

    Yes both are possibilities, but being told basically by her that she isnt, and then doing so is one thing (which is also a possibility.). I do kind of need to know, i mean i wont even be mad about it or anything, but i would like to know so i can make a more informed decision about the situation. Besides as somone she actively tries/succeeds at sleeping with i feel i kind of have a right to know as well. If she isn't then thats fantastic, but if she is i would like to know about it because it does heavily effect the current predicament. I won't be angry either way, i may be a little disappointed but not angry.

    Also i am the only guy i have seen her hit on heavily/make moves on whether we are in public or not. It may not be often in public but i'm still the only one, and in public it does happen sometimes, not often, but it does.

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    MechWarrior Online: Khyber Pryde
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Sounds like you two just had a friends with benefits thing going. I don't see her having a responsibility to tell you who she's sleeping with. I think it's a bad idea on your part not to be protecting yourself from STDs/AIDS, especially since you're having sex without protection. I've been in the same position as you: Had sex with a girl w/out a condom, found out later she'd slept with a guy a week or two before. Also without a condom. It was my own damn fault. Shouldn't have slept w/her in the first place, and I should've at least used a condom. She's free to do her own thing, especially since you guys aren't even dating. The responsibility is on you, seeing as how she doesn't seem to mind what she's putting in her body.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Sounds like you two just had a friends with benefits thing going. I don't see her having a responsibility to tell you who she's sleeping with. I think it's a bad idea on your part not to be protecting yourself from STDs/AIDS, especially since you're having sex without protection. I've been in the same position as you: Had sex with a girl w/out a condom, found out later she'd slept with a guy a week or two before. Also without a condom. It was my own damn fault. Shouldn't have slept w/her in the first place, and I should've at least used a condom. She's free to do her own thing, especially since you guys aren't even dating. The responsibility is on you, seeing as how she doesn't seem to mind what she's putting in her body.

    Well thats my point, why i said i wouldn't be mad if she was. I just would liek to know, for my own health sake that she is not lying to me/leaving things out. Especially with this snafu about her failing to tell me she had gone off the pill (This actually reinforces the idea that she is in fact not sleeping with other people, if she was she wouldn't have gone off of it.). I also think it would be a good idea to get tested for the whole possiblity of pregnancy...but this, if it happens, means i will have a whole other battle. As i said i believe she is developing a drinking problem, and whether she slept with somone else or whatever is peanuts in comparison to the fact that she is still somone i care about and is developing a drinking problem, and if she is pregnant, she can't drink. I think it will be very difficult to get her to stop if this is the case, but i also know her older sister, also a good friend of mine will 100% back me if this happens.

    I mean she did sort of fail to tell me she was off the pill. But at the same time i should have known better. Truthfully i did not initiate anything either, she initiated the sexual advances, not me, but regardless its difficult for me to resist when i really like the girl. She also had talked to me earlier about how she was not going to sleep with anyone anymore for a while, and then she made sexual advances on me, which begs the question that she apparently can't resist the temptation around me either. This again reinforces the fact that she is favouring me over others in this area.

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    MechWarrior Online: Khyber Pryde
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    She also had talked to me earlier about how she was not going to sleep with anyone anymore for a while, and then she made sexual advances on me, which begs the question that she apparently can't resist the temptation around me either. This again reinforces the fact that she is favouring me over others in this area.
    It really doesn't reinforce that.

    What it reinforces is that she is someone who isn't sure what she wants, and has poor impulse control. You have yourself offered evidence for the latter, such as the nascent drinking problem.

    I think we all get that you care about this girl a great deal, and I'm sure that more than a couple of us can relate, but the absolute worst thing you can do in this situation is let your feelings for this girl cloud your judgment of what's going to be best -- and healthiest -- for you in the long run.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    naporeon wrote: »
    She also had talked to me earlier about how she was not going to sleep with anyone anymore for a while, and then she made sexual advances on me, which begs the question that she apparently can't resist the temptation around me either. This again reinforces the fact that she is favouring me over others in this area.
    It really doesn't reinforce that.

    What it reinforces is that she is someone who isn't sure what she wants, and has poor impulse control. You have yourself offered evidence for the latter, such as the nascent drinking problem.

    I think we all get that you care about this girl a great deal, and I'm sure that more than a couple of us can relate, but the absolute worst thing you can do in this situation is let your feelings for this girl cloud your judgment of what's going to be best -- and healthiest -- for you in the long run.

    Thats what a lot of my friends in real life are saying to me too. They say that a lot of things im thinking of are wishful and that its most likely a worst-case scenerio in their minds.

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    MechWarrior Online: Khyber Pryde
  • HelloNaniHelloNani Registered User
    edited August 2010
    I think I need a shower.
    And maybe an std test.
    Woohoo.

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  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    HelloNani wrote: »
    I think I need a shower.
    And maybe an std test.
    Woohoo.

    You realize this was over a year ago right...look at the date. And it also turned out fine.

    Apparently this is what i get for opening my entire life to a lady. Oh well, got to take the chance on someone eventually. Thank god for internetz anonymity. And for the record i stopped hanging out with the girl this help thread was about shortly after this advice. She turned into a raging alchy anyhow.

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    MechWarrior Online: Khyber Pryde
  • HoovesHooves Registered User
    edited August 2010
    It sounds like you really need to just talk to her and ask her what her priorites are and if she would be willing to commit to a monogamous relationship with you. don't make it seem like an ultimatum. just say you'd like to know where she stands on that issue so you can at least now whats going on.

    but if she says she's more comfortable with your fuck buddy situation then accept that because its really a pretty great way to enjoy a sexual relationship without having all the commitment strings attached. just make sure if thats how things go down that you don't get too attached and get hurt feelers over the fact that shes not with you exclusively. thats a good way to get her to cut you off altogether for being a whiny obsessive weirdo.

    try having no expectations for this relationship. just accept it for what it is and whatever it might become.

    *one last thing:

    don't let yourself fall in love unless you two have already made a commitment because that is a recipe for disaster.

  • HoovesHooves Registered User
    edited August 2010
    Also it sounds like she's pretty into you and would probably not mind pursuing a relationship. she may just be waiting for you to get the balls to ask her. do not confront her. just ask her casually.

  • The Lovely BastardThe Lovely Bastard Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Hooves check the date of the op

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Hooves check the date of the op

    Yes, my most recent SO has decided to back-search all my threads from years past and post in them for some reason. Like i said, apparently this is what i get for encouraging her to join my hobbies.

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    MechWarrior Online: Khyber Pryde
  • HoovesHooves Registered User
    edited August 2010
    oh shit I didnt even think to look I never read the entire thread. I just saw it on the front page read the OP and responded. still solid advice I think.

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