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"The Biography of My Sister"
Dignified Pauper
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This is a series of three poems. I originally wrote -Death- and afterward, decided I wanted to write more. So far, the series is three short poems long. I kept them in similar form and meter.
The Biography of My Sister
-Birth-
It begins with a slap to see if she's alive.
She screams until she finds rest against
some stranger, who holds her closely
to breathe her in for the first time.
When someone takes her away, she joins
the hospital's crying babies.
Take me back. Oh please, take me back.
-Birthday Eleven-
Her mother, hung over from a morning of rum
and cokes, trips over one of her toy
dolls, dropping the fresh cake over
the floor and blames her with a slap.
She runs to her room and curls
into the darkness of blankets.
It's my party. I can cry if I want to.
-Death-
Her mother, still under the effects of smoking
white rocks, chases her down and stabs her
twice, screaming about how she spilled
mac and cheese on the floor again.
As the paramedics arrive, the gurney
feels like a cloud rising toward the sky.
Is Heaven supposed to be this dark?
The Biography of My Sister
-Birth-
It begins with a slap to see if she's alive.
She screams until she finds rest against
some stranger, who holds her closely
to breathe her in for the first time.
When someone takes her away, she joins
the hospital's crying babies.
Take me back. Oh please, take me back.
-Birthday Eleven-
Her mother, hung over from a morning of rum
and cokes, trips over one of her toy
dolls, dropping the fresh cake over
the floor and blames her with a slap.
She runs to her room and curls
into the darkness of blankets.
It's my party. I can cry if I want to.
-Death-
Her mother, still under the effects of smoking
white rocks, chases her down and stabs her
twice, screaming about how she spilled
mac and cheese on the floor again.
As the paramedics arrive, the gurney
feels like a cloud rising toward the sky.
Is Heaven supposed to be this dark?
Dignified Pauper on
PSN: DignifiedPauper
Posts
I think it should be "under the effect of smoking"
Also, I think the overall presentation would benefit from additional pieces.
I'll look it over in more detail later.
I also like your suggestion for retitling the first and the last. As far as content, I think -Death- reached it's poetic zenith. As far as the other two, I don't think they are quite there. I had thought about breaking out of the rigid form I set for myself, and leaving it just for the opening and the end.
I can't believe I missed this, but take those last lines in each and swap them to the title. Perfect.
hummusandkimchi.blogspot.com
http://us.battle.net/d3/en/profile/FriedRice-1814/hero/11834264
Alright.
I think you miss something by omitting "to see if she's alive" in the first piece. Such a visceral, often overlooked part of coming into this world. I like the impact of "It starts with a slap." yet miss the call-back to the question if this thing is even breathing.
Line 2 I'd get rid of one of the "she" as it slightly sets off the rhythm.
In piece 2 I'd cut the "slap" in line four in favor of something different from 1.1, but the motif repeated is worthy, perhaps differing context would make the line more palatable.
Piece 3, I find 2-3 "chases and stabs sister / twice..." a touch lacking. It's directly to the point, but that may be my unease. Either replace with some sort of symbol/metaphor/etc or tell me to fuck off.
I think that 3.6-7 reads better as a single line as it provides a more coherent statement, but the content is spot on.
I also advocate, still, for the taking of those last lines and making them the titles. Or, eliminating titles except for "The Biography of a Sister" and just numbering them 1-3 or providing the "sister's" age as title. I really like those last lines as titles, though.
I agree with your goal in the first line but opted for the punchier, more direct opening. I'm not sure how to include "to see if she's alive" without weakening "It begins with a slap" which is the more important line.
Line 2, it could be "she screams, rests against..." for better rhythm.
In piece 2, I agree but I don't really want to make word choices. I would prefer something like "dropping fresh cake and/a closed fist." The escalation would be nice but that's a radical change. It does feel better though.
In piece 3, I see your point about the line. Given my druthers, I'd pare it down further: "...stabs sister twice..." without any chasing.
I like 3.6-7 as they are. The form provides the rising sensation. It would look better if 3.5 were it own stanza. Then it would be even more balloon-like, expanding into a dim heaven. Should have caught that in the first edit.
Edit: I would prefer the sub-titles to be ages or just numbered 1-3 as well.
hummusandkimchi.blogspot.com
http://us.battle.net/d3/en/profile/FriedRice-1814/hero/11834264
As far as some of the edits, I've restricted myself to the form, and in that form I need to stay for two reasons.
1) If I branch out of it, I think it feels like cheating out the speaker's voice. Something about the form seems correct to me, and I'm probably just being stubborn.
2) Cohesion. These poems definitely need cohesion because they are so far out there and so damn harsh.
One edit I know I can do without is the omissions of the word "dolls" because it's definitely unnecessary. I can just say toys and it carries the same weight.
Further, the entire goal is to be as distant from the object of the poem as possible. In this case - the sister - and therefor, there is no flow when we say "sister." when we can use the pronoun her. Keep in mind, while this is titled "The Biography of My Sister" it's also a portrait of the mother as well. I think what I am mainly lacking as well, is any sort of "sweet" or "light" moment between the two. I think I hinted it with Birthday eleven and that the mother is cooking a cake, but at the same time, I think I lose the poem's integrity during section 2.
As far as your edit for the first line in section 3, I utterly hate it.
The last thing is, in the second and third sections, the entire first four lines were one complete sentence. I'm going to try to break my form, and... BLARGH.
None-the-less, the comments so far have been great.
If I incorporate some ideas from your these comments and your edits...
I think you are being stubborn
Also, this poem is not so far out there or so harsh. There is plenty of poetry out there about drug use, child abuse, murder, etc. It's certainly unusual subject matter but hardly cutting edge. The story is fairly cohesive because of the "time stamps" and repetitive/escalating events.
My edit in the first line of section 3 still contains the image of the mother smoking crack. It uses simpler phrasing and a stronger verb, although that verb can be changed to suit your style.
Your main issue is wordiness. "Her mother, still under the effects of smoking/white rocks" is really, really wordy. "Still under the effects of" can be shortened significantly (which I did) which will make the stanza flow better. "Held upside down, screaming/against some stranger, passed/on to one who breathes her in for the first time" is similarly wordy. Honestly, I'd blow the sentence up and start again, maybe trying to break it into 2-3 sentences or rephrasing it entirely.
Don't be too precious with it. The last image of the gurney is much better broken into 3 lines of increasing length since it mirrors the "rising" you're conveying. I know you wrote it another way but I think it's objectively better reformatted.
hummusandkimchi.blogspot.com
http://us.battle.net/d3/en/profile/FriedRice-1814/hero/11834264
As far as the verb "buried" I just didn't like the context because I find it hard to conceptualize the idea of being buried under white rocks. Though, I think you're right about the length of it.
Structure is good. It gives you a box to work in. However, the point of that box is to show you what works and what doesn't. If you must contort your meaning and the beauty of the language to fit inside the box, change the box not the words.
hummusandkimchi.blogspot.com
http://us.battle.net/d3/en/profile/FriedRice-1814/hero/11834264
That's not something I'm going for. I mean, the mother, in this case, is not "oppressed" or "held down" by drugs by any means. I mean, certainly, there is the equivalent of some trashy, addictive woman, but that's not the feeling I'm going for, which means two things.
1) The word "buried" won't work.
2) I failed in conveying what I should have. That the drugs aren't the problem, the mother is just fucking crazy. Even on crack, people don't just stab people for no reason.
I think a huge problem here is that I lack a lot of history between the sections that probably needs filled in. Either way, I've gotten a lot of helpful suggestions, and I'm going to file this one on the back burner for a while.
If you bring drugs and alcohol into a poem, they are going to become a focal point. It's similar to introducing a gun into a play. If you have one, someone better get shot. If you want to emphasize the mother is crazy, cut the drugs. People are going to focus on the drugs first and foremost if they are included.
hummusandkimchi.blogspot.com
http://us.battle.net/d3/en/profile/FriedRice-1814/hero/11834264