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Problems getting excited above and beyond [Sex question]

TinuzTinuz Registered User
edited May 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Well, damn...did I never expect to post here, with this...but here goes nothing.

So, recently I have been dating this girl and we started sleeping together (no sex yet, but a lot of naked fun). As fun as that is, I have some 'problems'. Now, I've had this with the previous girl I slept with, and possibly the one before that, who was my first.

I simply do not 'feel' it, that is, I do get in the mood, I do have fun, but when she goes down on me, for example, it seems like it takes ages for me to come. Not that I am bored, but it simply doesn't get me any more excited, I have a much better time getting her off.
Now, the thing is, if I masturbate (which I haven't done since we started sleeping together), I do get in the mood, breathing heavy, etc.

I talked with her about it, explained my problems and although she does find it somewhat frustrating, she seems to be okay with me being slow and not very responsive.

Oh yes, one last thing, even though I have slept with several girls, I am still a 'technical' virgin (both ended prematurely, once for logistic reasons, once because we simple didn't work together).

Tinuz on
Quelreth wrote:
.....when you made it sound like turning on a blacklight in your room would be like setting off a flashbang.

Posts

  • i n c u b u si n c u b u s Registered User
    edited May 2009
    So what your saying is that you haven't had sex and your having trouble getting off with oral or any other stimulation from your lady? Some people just can't get off with oral, the first few girls that went down on me never could get me worked enough to finish. Often times its the other person's skills which was also my case. Now that I've found the right person that knows how to do it to my likings I can get off whenever she pleases. Have you also considered helping yourself a little while playing around with her? Just to get yourself going and once you've reached the point where you know it's gonna happen have her take over at the last second to finish the job.

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  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    If masturbating works, then you should devise a system where you do both. Essentially, masturbate to your girlfriend. Have her kiss you while you do 80% of the work, and then see about switching things up.

    For most people like yourself, at least from what I've read, it really comes down to a comfortability thing. I know that for me, the act of actually orgasming around another person was a little weird, and it took me a while to get used to the idea. You've had all of your life since puberty to masturbate and figure out what works for you, so of course you enjoy that. Yet you've had little experience with having someone else do all of the work, and you seem a little uncomfortable, if even for no other reason than you're not sure if it'll "work for you."

    So yes, this will probably involve you talking to the girl about it the next time you have some fun, but don't shy away from it unless you want to remain frustrated. And try masturbating while making out with her, or if you're going down on her, or whatever. Don't be afraid to touch yourself when you're around your girlfriend, in other words, and don't be afraid to say something if you have an idea for how to make things feel better. If she's into you, she'll want you to feel good as well.

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  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I'm generally not very comfortable with just laying back and taking it, I need a lot more going on- what generally revs me is dishing it out.

    How does it go when your taking it with your hands full, so to speak? Nothing wrong with going at each other at the same time, working the timing so what shes doing to you is what you're doing to her and then enjoying the connection as it builds.

    Also, nothing wrong with getting off on her getting off- in fact I'd say thats a pretty handy attitude to have when hitting the sack.

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  • RikushixRikushix Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    It's very, very common for guys to have trouble orgasming from getting head. I have trouble with it myself; that is, it's not crazy difficult, but I really have to...focus, if you know what I mean. Keep my mind on what's actually happening. I personally know of more than a few women who say that their boyfriends can't climax from getting head at all.

    Long story short, that specific occurrence is quite commonplace.

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  • underdonkunderdonk __BANNED USERS
    edited May 2009
    You and this guy should get together.

    Back in the day, bucko, we just had an A and a B button... and we liked it.
  • TinuzTinuz Registered User
    edited May 2009
    underdonk wrote: »
    You and this guy should get together.

    Haha, I laughed a little bit too hard... :P

    One, thanks for the advice. Glad to see that I am not the only one around....it's just not something you ask the guy next to you at work (or is it... :winky: <img class=" title=":wink:" class="bbcode_smiley" /> ).

    Okay, we'll experiment around a bit (which will happen anyway) I was just worried that I was some sort of freak.

    Thanks guys!

    Quelreth wrote:
    .....when you made it sound like turning on a blacklight in your room would be like setting off a flashbang.
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Tinuz wrote: »
    underdonk wrote: »
    You and this guy should get together.

    Haha, I laughed a little bit too hard... :P

    One, thanks for the advice. Glad to see that I am not the only one around....it's just not something you ask the guy next to you at work (or is it... :winky: <img class=" title=":wink:" class="bbcode_smiley" /> ).

    Okay, we'll experiment around a bit (which will happen anyway) I was just worried that I was some sort of freak.

    Thanks guys!

    You guys can get an apartment in the city and be the original odd couple. Dum dum dum dum..

    But anyways, I have similar issues. I can only tell you what others have said, be comfortable with the person you're with, don't stress about it, maybe get a little drunk(just enough to loosen inhibitions). Some also say to stop masturbating so much, as that could be an issue as well.

    Finally, I know this might strike you as crappy, consider therapy. That's something I'm thinking about, as I still can't really finish off.

    Spoiler:
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    The one-two punch here, imo, is

    1. Experimentation
    2. Communication

    Try a lot of different stuff. Try straddling her chest and fucking her face. Try sitting in a chair with her head in your lap. Try standing with her kneeling in front of you. Try kneeling to the side with your dick near her mouth while you rub her clit with your hands (I prefer this to 69-ing -- I get better visual stimulation when I can see her lying on her back like this). Try using flavored lubricants so she can get you good and slippery and then try using her hands as well as her mouth. Encourage her to try switching up her technique -- more tongue, less tongue, harder, softer, deeper, or just the tip. Try it in the shower. Try it in public where you run the risk of getting caught.

    Then be sure to communicate what you like and what you didn't like as much about everything you're trying. You like the visual stimulation of 69 but the timing was too difficult? Tell her. You like how deep she can get when you're standing and she's kneeling but it was difficult to keep your balance? Talk about it.

    Honestly, it's entirely possible that she sucks at sucking you off and needs a little guidance. And it's possible that you have no idea what you actually like because it sounds like you haven't had a ton of experience with different partners and different techniques yourself. As long as you're non-judgemental, taking a little time to experiment with the sexual chemistry together can pay huge dividends. Nothing increases the quanity and quality of head you receive like your girlfriend's discovery of her inner sex goddess and the confidence that comes with knowing that she gives better felatio than any porn star.

  • DiscoZombieDiscoZombie Registered User
    edited May 2009
    oral never did it for me. it's funny how many girls think it's the thing every guy wants, but it's just not true. then they feel it's their fault. Just have to figure out what it is you DO like. A lot of guys get spoiled by sex (or at least me). Really, nothing else will do -_-

    it's probably a "the grass is always greener" situation - if you're with a girl who would never dream of giving head, it'll be the thing you want most in the world... but if you're with a girl who gives it out like candy, then you'll be all "meh" about them... but I digress.

  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Some girls are also not good at oral.

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  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Businessman!Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Some girls are also not good at oral.

    I've heard horror stories and comedy bits about this too. Can you really blame them? They don't own one, they don't know what's good.

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  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    And it generally goes back to the lack of communication thing. If a girl is never told or taught how to perform oral sex, it's not gonna feel good. And yet most threads or discussion is how to best perform it on a woman.

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  • ThylacineThylacine Registered User
    edited May 2009
    If you're just going for oral because you're holding off on intercourse you can always try some nice boobie-sex :winky:.

    Oral doesn't have to be a huge deal. It took me and my husband quite a long time to figure out how to get him off that way because he didn't know what worked for him. And to be honest, most of the time we'd rather just use a little bit of oral for foreplay and have sex instead of actually giving head until he gets off.

    I don't know how old you are...but I think young people tend to hear too many stories about how sex is for other people and get stressed out about thinking something is wrong with them.

  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Businessman!Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    It is our lost city of El Dorado, Thylacine. Legendary and unattainable.

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  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Thylacine wrote: »
    If you're just going for oral because you're holding off on intercourse you can always try some nice boobie-sex :winky:.
    I had no idea women enjoyed this. I tried it once and I thought it was hysterical and had to stop.

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  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    you'd be amazed what some girls like provolone. i dated a girl that liked to be facefucked.

    Tinuz, if you masturbate often at all, it could be an issue of you being used to that specific type of stimulation as well. you may have inadvertantly desensitized yourself. being nervous on top of that is often a boner killer.

  • ThylacineThylacine Registered User
    edited May 2009
    Thylacine wrote: »
    If you're just going for oral because you're holding off on intercourse you can always try some nice boobie-sex :winky:.
    I had no idea women enjoyed this. I tried it once and I thought it was hysterical and had to stop.

    LoL...it can be kind of funny:lol:. But if you don't have a sense of humor about sex then well...you're missing part of the fun is all I'm saying. It's all really ridiculous if you REALLY think about it. To be honest it's not my OMFG favorite thing ever. I personally don't get a lot of out of it physically. But if I can't have sex at the time....why not? It doesn't hurt...and to be honest it's a lot less effort that giving oral sex ;-)

  • Ziac45Ziac45 Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Thylacine wrote: »
    If you're just going for oral because you're holding off on intercourse you can always try some nice boobie-sex :winky:.
    I had no idea women enjoyed this. I tried it once and I thought it was hysterical and had to stop.

    I managed to do it once just to see what it was like, but it was indeed hilarious and my girlriend said she never wanted to try it again.

  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Businessman!Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I don't think I'd be properly "equipped" for that sort of thing.

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  • PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Johnson & Johnson should just call that shit "Titty Oil" because that's all I've ever seen it used for. :winky:

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  • TinuzTinuz Registered User
    edited May 2009
    Thylacine wrote: »
    I don't know how old you are...but I think young people tend to hear too many stories about how sex is for other people and get stressed out about thinking something is wrong with them.

    I'm 24 but I was raised in a religious cult, hence no physical fun for me until I got out (22). Anyway, this is definitely true, the first time I slept with a girl (no sex, but a lot of fun) I was surprised about how much of it was emotional and not so much physical. The reason was mostly a distorted image based on conversations with male friends. I felt so...female at that point :p

    Anyway, she seems rather good at oral, no problems there. The problem is that she dislikes using her hands as she is afraid of hurting me, as a result she loves giving oral. Also, she tends to get very much into things, to the point of losing control and convulsing, fun as that is to look at, I can see why she is afraid of hurting me. We'll see.

    As for the communication, that is definitely there. We have always been open about these things. As said, she knows about these problems and we have talked about it. Experimentation not so much, but we are only at the beginning, so that seems natural.

    As for the masturbation part, I hardly ever do it when I am with someone, it just seems like a subpar option at that point. Maybe I desensitized myself that way, but I doubt it. As said, it is more of an emotional disconnect than anything else, I definitely feel it, and it feels good. I just don't get 'in the mood' from it.

    Anyway, I guess the main question is answered, is this just me, which apparently it is not. Which is comforting to know. Thanks guys! Now please stop beating me to the punch so I can actually contribute a little bit in this place ;)

    Quelreth wrote:
    .....when you made it sound like turning on a blacklight in your room would be like setting off a flashbang.
  • TinuzTinuz Registered User
    edited May 2009
    Johnson & Johnson should just call that shit "Titty Oil" because that's all I've ever seen it used for. :winky:

    I think if we'd start renaming products for their most common use, a casual stroll in the grocery store would leave one filled with wonder and disgust. D:

    Quelreth wrote:
    .....when you made it sound like turning on a blacklight in your room would be like setting off a flashbang.
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Tinuz wrote: »
    Anyway, I guess the main question is answered, is this just me, which apparently it is not. Which is comforting to know. Thanks guys! Now please stop beating me to the punch so I can actually contribute a little bit in this place ;)

    Well, if your ex-cult had some strange ideas about sex, it actually could be just you. Not to be a downer, but you might have a mental block on enjoying sex if the religious group you were with until a mere 2 years ago were particularly harsh on sex.

    Not saying that it's the case, as I don't know what your religious group's stance was, but if it is, it might actually be worthwhile to talk to a therapist about it, depending on your feelings about your current religion, ex-religion, and so on.

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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Tinuz wrote: »
    Johnson & Johnson should just call that shit "Titty Oil" because that's all I've ever seen it used for. :winky:

    I think if we'd start renaming products for their most common use, a casual stroll in the grocery store would leave one filled with wonder and disgust. D:

    Whipped Cream = Cock Frosting

  • KyanilisKyanilis Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Being comfortable is a huge key. I remember the first girl I was sexually active with, it was tough to get me off. Oral didn't do it for me and it was actually tough for me to maintain an erection. Nowadays I'm with a girl I'm completely comfortable with and she has no problems getting me off no matter what the position is. So experiment a little and find what works for you. Give yourself some time to become a little more comfortable having sex and I'm sure most of your problems will go away. It definitely is not just you, I'm sure everyone has had an issue at some point.

  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Businessman!Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    I don't see why a person would even go for some sex if they weren't comfortable. You're getting all naked, you better have a good rapport with the other person.

    I suppose this is why I turned down sex, though I am kicking myself for it a bit. I waver back and forth between "it was a good decision" and "you stupid motherfucker"

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  • KyanilisKyanilis Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Eh, ok, there should obviously be some level of comfort involved, but sex is a very intimate thing in most cases. If you don't have the full comfort level you can still have sex, it just may not be as good.

    On the other hand, some people get off on stranger sex, so they're just super comfortable with themselves.

  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    Yeah, some people are comfortable being naked, or mostly naked, both by themselves and around other people. It tends to change as you get older, as well (going towards caring less about what other people think).

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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    It helps when you get to the point in your lifecycle as a man when you realize that your masculinity isn't tied to your sex life. The way you see sex in your teens is profoundly different from how you see sex at 30. When you're young, you'll have sex with someone because all the cool kids are doing it, or because it makes you feel like a stud, or because you want to get over the mental hurdle of worrying that you won't get to have a lot of sex in your life, or because being good at sex means you're a good man and you have something to prove, or because it means that someone likes you and has sexually validated you, or for any number of reasons that actually have very little to do with the person you're banging and how comfortable you feel with him/her.

    Later on you realize that fucking the co-captain of your high school girls' gymnastics team wasn't nearly the life-defining event you imagined it was at the time, and you can relax and have sex for no other reason than that it's fun and it's something you want to share with a person whose company you enjoy.

  • PeregrineFalconPeregrineFalcon Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    SammyF wrote: »
    It helps when you get to the point in your lifecycle as a man when you realize that your masculinity isn't tied to your sex life. The way you see sex in your teens is profoundly different from how you see sex at 30. When you're young, you'll have sex with someone because all the cool kids are doing it, or because it makes you feel like a stud, or because you want to get over the mental hurdle of worrying that you won't get to have a lot of sex in your life, or because being good at sex means you're a good man and you have something to prove, or because it means that someone likes you and has sexually validated you, or for any number of reasons that actually have very little to do with the person you're banging and how comfortable you feel with him/her.

    Later on you realize that fucking the co-captain of your high school girls' gymnastics team wasn't nearly the life-defining event you imagined it was at the time, and you can relax and have sex for no other reason than that it's fun and it's something you want to share with a person whose company you enjoy.

    What if you're 30 and fucking the co-captain of the high school girls' gymnastics team? :P

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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    SammyF wrote: »
    It helps when you get to the point in your lifecycle as a man when you realize that your masculinity isn't tied to your sex life. The way you see sex in your teens is profoundly different from how you see sex at 30. When you're young, you'll have sex with someone because all the cool kids are doing it, or because it makes you feel like a stud, or because you want to get over the mental hurdle of worrying that you won't get to have a lot of sex in your life, or because being good at sex means you're a good man and you have something to prove, or because it means that someone likes you and has sexually validated you, or for any number of reasons that actually have very little to do with the person you're banging and how comfortable you feel with him/her.

    Later on you realize that fucking the co-captain of your high school girls' gymnastics team wasn't nearly the life-defining event you imagined it was at the time, and you can relax and have sex for no other reason than that it's fun and it's something you want to share with a person whose company you enjoy.

    What if you're 30 and fucking the co-captain of the high school girls' gymnastics team? :P

    In that case,

    A. Hi5!

    B. You probably are having a lot of fun but still realize that it's not what defines your life. Unless she's under the age of consent, in which case it's going to define you as a prior offender in the sex crime registry for most states.

    B.i. If she's under the age of consent, tell no one.

    B.ii. If she's not under the age of consent, remember: this is precisely the reason why people found a way to put cameras on their cell phones.

  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    SammyF wrote: »
    SammyF wrote: »
    It helps when you get to the point in your lifecycle as a man when you realize that your masculinity isn't tied to your sex life. The way you see sex in your teens is profoundly different from how you see sex at 30. When you're young, you'll have sex with someone because all the cool kids are doing it, or because it makes you feel like a stud, or because you want to get over the mental hurdle of worrying that you won't get to have a lot of sex in your life, or because being good at sex means you're a good man and you have something to prove, or because it means that someone likes you and has sexually validated you, or for any number of reasons that actually have very little to do with the person you're banging and how comfortable you feel with him/her.

    Later on you realize that fucking the co-captain of your high school girls' gymnastics team wasn't nearly the life-defining event you imagined it was at the time, and you can relax and have sex for no other reason than that it's fun and it's something you want to share with a person whose company you enjoy.

    What if you're 30 and fucking the co-captain of the high school girls' gymnastics team? :P

    In that case,

    A. Hi5!

    B. You probably are having a lot of fun but still realize that it's not what defines your life. Unless she's under the age of consent, in which case it's going to define you as a prior offender in the sex crime registry for most states.

    B.i. If she's under the age of consent, tell no one.

    B.ii. If she's not under the age of consent, remember: this is precisely the reason why people found a way to put cameras on their cell phones.

    and a way to attach those photos to PMs

  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Businessman!Registered User regular
    edited May 2009
    But sexual validation would be so sweet right about now.

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