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Reasons for long-term Relationships?
RubberAC
Sidney BC!Registered User regular
Sidney BC!Registered User regular
Well, I spent the whole day with my girlfriend today, for her birthday, and thought: If you guys are in long-term relationships, what is your reason for..uh.. i guess wanting to spend so much time with these people? I'm pretty tired and having trouble wording all this right, but I think it made sense. I'll put up mine later, no one likes a big block o' text OP. Also: for those of you NOT in relationships, and wanting to be in one, what draws you in to them?
TL;DR why do you love who you love
also please don't make this a 'what does love even mean' thread.
TL;DR why do you love who you love
also please don't make this a 'what does love even mean' thread.
RubberAC on
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I'm not sure what else you're looking for here.
That's not to say I'm not looking for a relationship of course. Personally speaking, there are several reasons why I prefer long term relationship to friendship with benefits and one night stands:
a) the mutual support aspect of long term relationships
b) spending time with them, having a great time, and doing things with the underlying romantic theme
c) sex that gets better and better as you connect more with the person
I'm sure I can say more, but elaboration requires energy that I don't have right now.
For me this has meant having a willing and enthusiastic hike partner with whom I can trade massages with when we got home.
After a certain point in the relationship you get to know each other well enough that you can really relax and just be yourself around them, not have to be "on" if that makes sense.
edit: basically having a best friend with whom you can engage in hanky-panky
I was going to write something, but I think this pretty much sums it up. Especially the bolded part.
Seriously. If you want the guy's point of view on marriage/relationships and the rewards inheirant... that pretty much sums it up. Lock thread.
There is a whole nother aspect of it which deals with family and kids down the road, but in the end as far as the one on one "relation" it comes down to that. Companionship with a member of the opposite sex is quite fulfilling.
You'll know when the person you're in a relationship with is "the one" when all you want to do is spend time with them. If the person you're with now is irritating and you simlply think about being away from her, either that person isn't right for you or you're not ready to be in a relationship.
so
im gonna do some staring at a bright screen to see if that will help me sleep
...
Anyways, I have never been big on one-night stands and meaningless relationships. I've always been the hopeless romantic. Now, with my current girlfriend ( of 5 months and hopefully more) I love the fact that I can make her happy. I love falling asleep beside her, waking up and seeing her there. I love kissing her on the forehead and seeing her face light up. I want to be able to make her that happy for the rest of her life. I also love being past the whole not being yourself stage, as locksly said. I can really be myself around her, no matter how nerdy, cheesy, and corny I may be.
aaaand now i will be up all night
Why the hell would that outlook be guy-exclusive?
No offense, but you haven't even scratched the surface of what it MEANS to be in a relationship. You obviously young haven't figured out what insane emotion driven hypocritical psychos women can be. The whole "fuzzy falling asleep beside her" crap means you're either currently in a "relationship" that has lasted a few months or this is your first woman ever.
Give it a few years and tell me how much you want to kiss her on the forehead rather than smack her on it. If the "what's wrong hunny" - "nothing" game is cute to you, you have a long, long road to go.
I'm not trying to be cynical or scarry. It's just relationships can be extremely difficult at times. The first year in a relationship is usually the best till you find things to be irritating. That's when you find out how strong your bond is.
Because women are just out for a piece of ass and someone to make them a sammich.
Yeah you're probably right. I just tend to not believe women see things to be so simple.
The friends+hanky panky is just the most healthy, fulfilling one.
lol, that was a bit strong and maybe the extreme. My point that relationships aren't always the forehead kissing daydream we would like it to be still stands. There are always... challenges to be met.
Pow, right to the moon.
It is nice to have someone to lend support to as well as a person to give support to. The happy times are why people want a relationship, the rough times are why you keep (or don't keep) them.
Unless your point was "yes things get rough" in which case well duh see almost all of human writing regarding relationships, and some related to animals as well.
Right. I was just trying to point out to the OP that things get tough, and while yes it's an obvious point, it's one that hasn't been pre-learned by any one individual no matter how many "writings" have been created on the subject.
It's having somebody who's seen me at my best and at my worst. When I'm weak they know the strength I'm capable of. When I'm brave they know the hell I had to endure to gain that courage. Even though no one person could know everything about me, when I'm secure that my partner could uncover a new detail of my history or facet of my personality and understand where that element fits in the overall context of my life... that's priceless.
Likewise, I'll stick with somebody through thick and thin. I'll stand by my partner through things that would force other people to throw in the towel. I can be fiercely loyal. I can forgive lying, I can forgive cheating, I can forgive all sorts of "unforgiveable" shenanigans, but if I feel like my partner does not accept me as a whole and complete person - that will kill my loyalty faster than you can say "I'm sorry." And trying to change or "fix" me? That is relationship kryptonite.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Can I just derail to say how much I hate this 'game'? Sometimes nothing IS wrong.
Also fourth-ing this. It really doesn't get any simpler than that.
Fifthed.
I despise the way people play games and have rules nowadays, though. I'm always "on." I'm myself from the first date. If a woman doesn't like that, they're not right for me. I don't try to impress them, I don't bullshit with them, etc. Lo and behold, it rarely works out. I've done the casual relationships/friends with benefits thing, and it's immediately satisfying; but in the long run, it gets boring and unfulfilling. A long-term relationship can be extremely satisfying or make you homicidal. I'm a jaded sonofabitch when it comes to dating, but I want to be in a long-term relationship again. I'm a hopeless romantic.
I have four rules when it comes to being in a relationship: treat me right, tell me the truth, don't cheat, and don't try to change me. Aside from those things, I can look past just about anything.
XBL : lJesse Custerl | MWO: Jesse Custer | Best vid ever. | 2nd best vid ever.
Same here. In fact, I do as much as I can in the first few meetings to get all of my quirks, bad habits and peculiar interests out there, just so people know what they are dealing with.
Oh, but I'm neither jaded nor a hopeless romantic. Your four rules are spot on, though.
Intellectually, its the only way to fly, but I can't seem to help suppressing my personality a whole bunch when I'm with someone. And I don't know how to stop
You should make all first dates internet dates where you moderate D&D together. We could help out by creating some stupid threads and inviting some stupid people to talk about women. If he doesn't agree with them then you know he's a keeper!
I really want babies. The relationship I have with my girlfriend is not only about having a friend to come home to and talk about things with, or someone I can just 'be quiet' in the presence of, or someone to have great sex with, or someone to share experiences and memories with - all of these are very important (especially the bit about memories). But I also really, really want to build up a trust enough to know that she'll be the perfect mother to my kids.
Kids are important. I want my kids to be awesome and I want to make sure they have a great life. I need to develop enough trust to know she's the right person to be their mother. I'd also like to think our years together have subtly nudged us closer in the ways that we think, and the things we believe in. So a long-term relationship is like a buffer period where we can come to terms with not only our partner, but ourselves, and modify ourselves in context of the next most important person in our lives. I guess that works even if you don't want babies, but if you do, it's particularly important.
So yeah. I'm pretty much doin' it for the tykes.
(PS I've been reading and discussing Sartre's literary theory for the last few hours so my brain may actually be sloppy grey-matter running down my shirt front right now. Apologies if that made no sense.)
But although I may date only men who want kids/would be good fathers, it's not something I'd actively look for nor would I gloss over any of their other faults. It's more a case of, 'hey I'll use all this other criteria first - being honest, etc. - and get to know someone first, and if they turn out to have the same views as me with regards to kids then they're a keeper'.
I realise this is totally outside the norm, so usually I try my best to hide it, because frankly, most people neither understand (nor ultimately deserve) that kind of attention.
It is- bar nothing- the absolute most amazing thing in my life to be in love with someone. When that happens, everything takes a backseat to my affection. Its like they are the centre of my universe, the sun around which my planet rotates. All their quirks, their faults, simply fade away. I am a true optimist and believe that when I am with someone, they will only improve. I believe this because thats what happens to me! I have improve immeasurably as a person when I a loved.
Basically, I feel as though my life really only approaches true fulfillment when I am with someone I love... and its not because I tag my self-worth to my partner, its far more fundamental than that. I don't believe in God, but love for me is as close as I will ever get to the sublime.
It is, perhaps, the only thing that has true meaning in this life... everything else in my life is like a shadow, and that sensation is like a fire.
Oh well. Some day.
...because if I beat up on random wimminz I just met they rather inconveniently tend to go to the police. So selfish, after all, it's for their own good!
...because when I have a tantrum and start hitting my male friends, they actually stop me instead of just taking the abuse as I might sleep with them later. While we are on the subject, PMS is a valid excuse for complete lack of self-control.
...because I'm an emotional leech.
...because mummy never luved me.
...because I want to be fitter, happier, more productive.
...because I am utterly insecure and need the constant presence of someone else who is contractually obliged to lie and tell me I'm great.
...because I'm going to get pregnant damnit and a whatever warm body happens to wander past next is more likely to let itself be shouted at in 8 months time than the receptionist at the sperm bank.
...because I can't cook / fix electrical stuffs / sew / kill small animals for sustinance (delete cliche as appropriate).
...because I need someone who will reassure me that all my character flaws and mistakes are in fact endearing, to absolve me of any personal responsibility for my actions and any chance of changing.
...because I am driven by a moral code / religious doctrine / breeding instinct / mental illness which requires me to couple with another martinet / fundamentalist / sexual organ / lunatic.
...because I've only read the beginning chapters of the great romantic stories, only experienced the first months of relationships, and haven't yet worked out that eventually the two are incompatible.
...because for some reason completely incomprehensible to sane, well-adjusted, intelligent, individual people, I firmly hold that being in a relationship is 'easier' than being alone.
I'm quite willing to admit that there are such things as good, happy, healthy, life-affirming, [buzzword], long-term relationships, but experience from everyone I've ever known suggests that many people in long-term relationships are simply treading water in a bad situation in the hope that enough time and/or effort will make it the aformentioned magical thing.
Also, I think it's quite possible that some people are naturally / nutureally unsuitable for long-term relationships, at least of the kind that most people would consider a relationship, and they can be quite happy like this.
(Before anyone starts, I'm not suggesting the link, I'm just saying that we were sitting around talking about it - and in a small bunch of mates, it just fell that way)
Me? I'm enjoying the fact that no matter what shit I go through in life - if I choose to - I dont have to go through it alone. Its not that I need to have someone there - but sometimes its nice. There's also something great about having someone else to care for and put first. It puts things in perspective.
Also interesting? Those mates that were really, REALLY jaded - then found someone and now are firmly in the "ohgodgetagrip-wegetityou'rehappy" camp.
Additionally, whatever emotional lovey-dovey crap is good as well.
I kinda think signing up to be stuck with the same person until one of you dies is a clear sign of insanity, but I did it none the less, and I'm not displeased with the results.
Kids are good as well, and major disagreements regarding the having of kids seems, in my experience to be the biggest breaking point for many people (especially in that 20-30 range).
The hardest part, when it comes to the kid thing, is that not only do you need to find someone you can stand being around day in and day out, and work out issues between yourselves, but you need to feel like you can trust them to help you raise tiny people into much larger and more functional people without fucking too much up in the process.
My wife's pretty awesome at this so far, so I guess I made the right call, but I think it's a difficult one to make beforehand.
Yeah...that's pretty much just your own messed-up baggage. I've been married to a girl for a year after dating for 6 years and we both still love falling asleep beside each-other and forehead kissing. I've certainly never even contemplated smacking her forehead before. Her ass on the other hand, well, that's another story.