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It was like every imaginable kind of relationship-crazy thread all rolled into one epic nightmare. That is where control issues can go.
And yeah, I think the thread was taken down at his request so she couldn't ever find it and use it against him. I remember it so well because I was nailed to the damn thing for like 3 weeks.
I can only speculate, but I think it was because he didn't want his (ex?)wife and/or her lawyer reading the information contained in it.
Okay. Either you can make her understand how nonsensical that is, given what she's asking of you, or you break up with her before you go down a long, dark relationship road. In other words, that text? That's your line.
Exactly. Either you work out a plan that minimizes and eventually gets rid of her insecurities, or you should not be in a relationship together.
She also may have specifically mentioned hanging out one on one with one of her guy friends she "knows is interested in her" to gauge your reaction.
She's not your girlfriend, she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you but she wants to control who your friends are? What are you doing with this girl? Get out of this "relationship" now and don't look back.
Jesus, what? This is not how healthy relationships work.
Edit: I seem to be late on that particular point, but:
Jesus, what? Vision of Clarity has it right.
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
It's okay, guys. This is just one of those things that can't be explained to a point where people will understand it. It's a zen thing that you just suddenly realize one day.
Hopefully it's not one day when you're fifty.
And change our opinions about what, exactly?
Because that's what you want us to do, is change our opinions. So what do you want us to change them to, and why?
You should read this:
Because this just went from being an unhealthy relationship to being an unhealthy non-relationship in one post. Making this even worse for the OP.
See this is why I say you should read the thread.
So this isn't me trying to change your opinion, this is about me changing my own opinion after reading other people's.
I think most people don't understand why they should therefore read the whole thread when everyone's already saying "this is wrong!bad stuff." Some people think "bail now nothing good will come of this", which is not unreasonable. Some people think "see if you can talk this out and see if she can get over her issues", which is not unreasonable.
Actually I was sort of on your side on that post before that one.
He's probably in the midst of a texting frenzy with her trying to sort this out now though.
Get. Out.
You need to get your head out of your ass. You are deluding yourself.
It's very confusing. I can't reitterate enough that this girl is not fooling around. She just isn't that person. She isn't projecting on me because she is hiding things.. she is just insecure. She is the same way with her family - she feels insecure in them loving her just like me loving her.
The conversation did not go well. Last weekend when we were hanging out she was totally into it, saying how happy she was we were trying again and that she loved me.. and now she actually said she might want to date other people. She hasn't gone there before and I told her that if she wants to do that, its something we need to be on the same page on, and we can talk about. We are going to take time to think and talk tomorrow.
Here is how I am thinking is the best way to approach it - specifically for my own mental and emotional well-being.. I want to tell her look - either you want to be in a relationship with me and try and make this work or you don't. I don't want to play power and control games with you. If you want to date other people, that's fine but I am not going to be the only one of the two of us who is acting like we are in a relationship. You can explore and date whoever you want, but I am not willing to subject myself to being your puppet-backup during that time. I will be single too, and if you change your mind and decide you want to be with me, we can see where we both are at that point and take it from there.
I would just like to highlight this statement, because it's definitely true. Thinking like the OP ("I had to grow up pretty fast") is not good.
For the longest I thought I was above other people or something because my dad died when I was 16. (I know, right?) Years later, I'm in a serious relationship and it took months for my girlfriend to be like, "Man, you are hella closed off and emotionally wacky" before I came around to realizing how my supposed "maturity" was just leading to me acting like the occasional dingbat. I got trapped in my own inflated head.
So. Diogee. Don't use your personal history - or whatever - to justify how you're acting now or to direct your behavior. Try to look at this as simply as possible. This not-even-a-relationship is probably not what you want to be getting yourself into. Be honest with yourself.
Edit:
If she's saying she wants to date other people, she definitely doesn't want to date you. On the second bolded point, didn't she straight up say to you that you're not in a relationship? This is beginning to sound like you're desperately grabbing at her and she just wants to break free. Let it go. If you have this much drama BEFORE you're even a couple... God help you when you actually get together. D:
Sounds like she has already done this.
Twice
Because, lets face it, if you gave me that ultimatum, I'd say, "Okay I changed my mind," and just keep doing the same thing.
Yes, this.
Because honestly, how many times are you going to try a relationship with her before you realize "Hey, maybe someone else really would be better"?
Basically this. If you want to include the "change your mind" part, then you need to make it clear that other things will have to change as well. Make it absolutely clear that she cannot have a problem with you hanging out with other women.
Thirded. And don't make us come over there and smack you upside the head to make you realize this.
Poor, poor Lach
edit: Messed up quote tree, but point stands.
It's so hard to see myself finding someone simply as beautiful as her, much less honest, faithful and kind. I guess the advice from the last thread of "LOL DUDE UR 23" is really pretty accurate and I just have to have faith that things will work out for me. Its so hard to meet people...
whatever you do, don't schedule a non-refundable expensive trip 6 months in the future with this girl. Learn from my mistake!!!
lol, a few months before we broke up we scheduled a 7 day cruise to mexico. We got in a huge fight and fortunately i called to cancel it on the LAST day to get a full refund. I had no idea it was the last day, just worked out that way. We were broken up when the cruise would have left.
regardless, warning noted!
You need to stop kicking yourself because you didn't make her an overbearing, insecure manipulative person. Stop putting this on yourself because until you do you're not going to move-on.
And for the record, her behavior towards you as of late is not that of a good, kind person.
I don't mean to be sort of rude, but so? I'm sure there are other, equally beautiful but much more confident and stable ladies out there for you.
Ehhhh, not exactly obvious from the portrait you've painted here.
Any person who seeks to control another person's behavior, whether its your girlfriend, your mom, your boss, whoever, isn't "good". She may have good qualities and may in the future get over her insecurity and be able to be a viable partner, but right now she has issues that she needs to deal with before being in a stable and successful relationship. And for the record, so do you considering you thought this was acceptable behavior.
I could understand if she felt uncomfortable if it was an ex, and she didn't want you to hang out with her. That's completely understandable, but according to you, you're just friends with the women you hang with. You need to evaluate your relationship, and the situation you're in, and need to honestly figure out if she's worth dumping your friends, and no longer talking to another woman...ever (my bet is she's not worth that).
Relationships are about trust. Hell, besides a couple of other things, trust is the FOUNDATION of a relationship, and it really seems that she just does not trust you.
I don't mind if my boyfriend has female friends. I trust him, and know that he wouldn't do anything with them, and they're just friends. It'll be a cold day in hell before I forbid him to hang out with a friend who has a vagina and a set of tits.
My vote is to get out. Just my 2 cents.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Seriously, cut this one loose.
Does that make it ok? What i am hearing you all say is no. But its important to recognize that she didn't ever ask for me back or promise to get back with me. I am the one trying to show her why we should be together. It feels a bit weird making any demands in my position.
A relationship is something two people should work at together, if she think she's a prize to be earned that's a big warning sign there.
You're her safety boy, her backup, her just-in-case.
Please, you deserve better than that, you deserve someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with her; someone that will treat you with respect and honesty instead of jealousy and hoop-jumping.
It's so hard to give the complete story over the internet. I am not this girls safety or backup. She fell really deeply in love with me and I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared for it so she got hurt and had to pull back pretty hard. When we broke up, she thought we were done and was in the process of internalizing that when I came back. She really, really loved me. Getting over someone like that is not an easy or painless process. I'm not her back up - she is just hurt and confused. Maybe too hurt and too confused to repair things with.
I think I am going to use your exact words though - I deserve someone who wants to be with me and will treat me with respect and honesty instead of jealousy and hoop-jumping.
Write it down, put it somewhere you can see it every time you're on the phone with her because it can be really hard to make yourself believe it if she decides to start making excuses.
And I realize you think this girl shits unicorns and sunshine but six months from now you're really going to thank yourself for taking the steps to find a mature and mutually beneficial relationship.