So, a lot of people have talked about how K is a whore, toxic, and generally not a good person. And given all that has happened I completely agree. But...while I am basically dead inside as a result of this...what I feel is not anger or rage or anything. It's different.
I do not know if any of you care, or if it is asinine to share this...but I wanted to share the e-mail I just sent her. Because...by every right I ought to be completely mad and of a "fuck that bitch" mentality. But that is not how I feel.
And, I guess...well, what follows in the spoiler is what I feel. And if any of you care to know then feel free to read it. If you have thoughts, feel free to share them. I just sat down to write her something, and this is what came out. And, honestly, I did not expect it.
Hi,
I do not know if you will read this. You have not replied to my texts or calls. I hope you are ok.
A lot of things happened today. I am barely hanging on and am probably going to collapse into a ball and cry very soon.
But I wanted to tell you that I honestly do love you, care for you, and want you to be happy. I wanted to be with you, but you pretty well destroyed that. Even this evening when all of this was going on I thought "I hope K has someone there to help her".
I am mad and hurt and confused and basically feel as if I have died inside, that something I believed in and thought would be my future is gone forever. I do not know what I will be like on the other side of this.
But, right now, I want you to know that I did not want to hurt you; I did not mean in any of this for you to lose friends, respect, or anything. I honestly, after all of this, want you to be happy, K. You do deserve to be happy. I know that a wealth of shitty things have happened to you and throughout all of this I wanted to help you, to make your life better, to show you that you could be happy and there were people willing to do whatever they thought you needed for you.
But that you took that and completely wasted it...that is not my fault. What you did with my gift is not my responsibility. And I will never understand why you did this to me, why you did this to yourself. I will never understand why you thought I was someone to toy with and play with while you dated another guy and, if people are telling me the truth, fucked three or four other guys.
That's not healthy, K. That is not right. I know you have been hurt, I know you are confused, I honestly want to believe that you are not evil and, after all of this, you felt as if you were doing the right thing.
I want you to be alright. I want you to get better.
I just cannot help you right now.
I honestly do love you, K. I honestly, truly do want you to be happy and to come out alright on the other side of this. I want you to actualize your dreams and live the life you want.
But I do not understand why you would have done this...how you thought it would have ended. And why, of all of the guys you have dated and after all that has happened to you, you would hurt me this deeply and betray my trust in this way.
We were dating for three months, K. You met my parents, you met my friends. You told me we would move in together, get married, be together.
I do not know how you could say those things...and be with another guy at the same time. I do not know why you would do that...
People asked me tonight whether or not I had broken up with you. And, when they asked, I had to laugh. I have not talked to you, and I do not want to break up with you in a text or an e-mail. After all of this you deserve more than that. You are not someone to dismiss in an e-mail or a text. There is a part of you which is wonderful, which I hope will one day be your dominant persona. So, I am not going to say that we are broken up in a text or e-mail. I do love you. I do care about you.
But this is too much.
I hope you are alright,
J
"I hope you are alright"?
"I HOPE YOU ARE ALRIGHT"??!?!?!?
Wow dude, she completely fucked you over and you still care about her. There isn't anything nice or understandable about this. You're acting like a complete doormat, and it sounds like you are as unstable as her because your actions right now are the exact opposite of rational.
Every single person in this thread has said the same thing: severe your ties with her. If you aren't going to listen to advice why ask for it?
It sort of depends on how much time you're spending with someone. If I were seeing someone infrequently enough that they could figure out how to have a whole other relationship on the side, I would have trouble falling in love with them, too. Generally speaking though, if you're seeing someone a lot and you like them a lot, 3 months is plenty of time to fall in love. Some people fall in love after just a couple weeks. Some people fall in love without ever meeting in person.
It sort of depends on how much time you're spending with someone. If I were seeing someone infrequently enough that they could figure out how to have a whole other relationship on the side, I would have trouble falling in love with them, too. Generally speaking though, if you're seeing someone a lot and you like them a lot, 3 months is plenty of time to fall in love. Some people fall in love after just a couple weeks. Some people fall in love without ever meeting in person.
And us telling him "Dude, it's totally not love" doesn't help his situation either.
What we think has no baring on how he feels.
_J_, dude, I'm sorry this went down. It's cold comfort, but as noted, it's better you found out sooner rather than later. I know what it's like to date someone irrational. I lived with such a person for almost all of last year, and I'm just now finally feeling like I'm back on my feet. I don't know how you feel, but I know how it feels to have someone betray you that you cared about deeply, be it for 3 months, 10 months or 10 years. It sucks, it hurts, but you've got to do what you can to move on with your life. Grieve, but try to keep to your schedule. Don't let her selfish actions continue to hurt you by harming your studies, at least where possible.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Anything prior to six months is hormones and physical. If you still have the same feelings after 6 months, it's love.
You should teach biology and philosophy.
Seriously, he didn't come here asking if he was in love or not.
Yes, he came in here saying he got cheated on by a lying whore and asking what he should do. The overwhelming majority responded with "cut your ties with her." He then went and did the exact opposite by writing an email to her saying "I hope you're OK".
Then a couple of people tried to explain this with "oh that's fine, he's just in love" which is absolutely retarded.
Anything prior to six months is hormones and physical. If you still have the same feelings after 6 months, it's love.
You should teach biology and philosophy.
Seriously, he didn't come here asking if he was in love or not.
Yes, he came in here saying he got cheated on by a lying whore and asking what he should do. The overwhelming majority responded with "cut your ties with her." He then went and did the exact opposite by writing an email to her saying "I hope you're OK".
Then a couple of people tried to explain this with "oh that's fine, he's just in love" which is absolutely retarded.
I guess it might sound retarded to the love police.
Back on topic though...
_J_, I don't think there was anything wrong with sending the letter. That was actually one of the better ways you could have gotten rid of some of the stress. You should definitely cut contact now though.
Back on topic though...
_J_, I don't think there was anything wrong with sending the letter. That was actually one of the better ways you could have gotten rid of some of the stress. You should definitely cut contact now though.
Except that it gave her closure for the terrible thing she did without any consequences and will therefore continue the behavior to other poor saps who get sucked into her lies.
Exactly. When someone cheats on you horribly and you respond with sending an email saying you hope they are okay, that doesn't exactly send the message that they did something wrong and unacceptable.
Back on topic though...
_J_, I don't think there was anything wrong with sending the letter. That was actually one of the better ways you could have gotten rid of some of the stress. You should definitely cut contact now though.
Except that it gave her closure for the terrible thing she did without any consequences and will therefore continue the behavior to other poor saps who get sucked into her lies.
Really, because I read the letter as basically saying "You hurt me and others, you are not being a good person. I care about you but you ruined everything and did bad stuff, what did you expect would happen?"
Sounds like consequences to me. The end result is that it does not really matter what he said in his letter, she would have to care that she was a bitch or she would not change her behavior anyhow.
I mean, the entire OP mentioned the consequences of her decision. She is experiencing them. Broken friendships, awkward situations, destroyed relationships.
I guess he should have kidnapped her and kept her in a well in his basement? Seriously, she did a horrible thing but she's no doubt (mostly) a human being, and the guilt and shame and remorse from reading a letter like that potentially outweigh any other "punishment" he could dish out. The letter says, basically, "I'm a wonderful dude who treated you right, and you did a horrible thing to me and threw it all away." Can't send a stronger message that she did something wrong than that.
I have no idea what the "right" thing to do is, and this is my first time going through a "So, your girlfriend had two boyfriends and probably fucked other guys as well during your relationship" scenario. So, I am something of a noob at this particular breakup type.
I do appreciate the advice, and you are all completely correct that I need to stop talking to her and get her out of my life as much as I can. At the moment I am trying to do that...but it has been less than 24 hours, so this is all still sinking in.
I am not going to try to contact her any more. I think the letter was enough. And I assume that at some point she will contact me to try and get her stuff back. At the moment I am trying to decide between "burn her stuff" and "give it back". No idea which I will go with.
I am not going to stop living, but she is in both of my classes for this week and I thought it best to avoid seeing her so soon after all of this. Next week I am going to go back to class. But right now I just need to hide and figure out what is going on with me.
What is absurd is that today I just feel empty. I am not mad or crying...I am just depressed and empty. I realize this was only a 3 month relationship and so, in the scheme of things, it was not that long. But we "dated" for two to three months prior to being "boyfriend and girlfriend", which adds a bit of time, and the relationship itself was one where, at times, we practically lived together. And we really did have a lot in common, we really did work well together, and it honestly felt like we were in a little pseudo marriage thing for a while there. Things got rough at the end, and now I have an explanatory story for why, but there were times when this felt real.
But none of it was real; the whole time she was running off to another guy.
Apparently B started thinking of breaking up with her around the end of December, because she started pulling away and was not available as often. And, yeah, that would be the case because she was spending most of her time with me. But then I think she started to feel him pull away so she pulled away from me and was trying to do the "i love you I want to be with you" thing with both of us.
And that's the part that leaves me staring at a wall trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.
On the personality disorder thing, she is Bi-Polar, and last week she had a CAT-Scan and an MRI and found out that her condition was getting worse. So, yeah, I think there is probably a soft-science answer, or at least guess, as to why she might have done this given her being bi-polar and perhaps something more. But I never thought she would do something like this.
Bitch be crazy, for sure, but I cannot help but feel like she does need friends and help. If part of this was due to her mental disease, then she needs help. Doing this sort of thing for the rest of her life will not behoove her. And there honestly is a part of her that is worth salvaging.
I am not the person to do that, and it is not my responsibility to help her. But I still care.
I dunno. I appreciate the feedback. I am going to go stare at the ceiling for a while.
And I assume that at some point she will contact me to try and get her stuff back. At the moment I am trying to decide between "burn her stuff" and "give it back". No idea which I will go with.
Put it in a box. Seal the box. Put the box in your closet. Do not open the box. Do not look at the box. Do not interact with the box at all except to put it outside your apartment door at a specified time if she wants to come get it. If she comes to get it, do not open the door, do not speak through the door, do not engage with her in any way.
And I assume that at some point she will contact me to try and get her stuff back. At the moment I am trying to decide between "burn her stuff" and "give it back". No idea which I will go with.
Put it in a box. Seal the box. Put the box in your closet. Do not open the box. Do not look at the box. Do not interact with the box at all except to put it outside your apartment door at a specified time if she wants to come get it. If she comes to get it, do not open the door, do not speak through the door, do not engage with her in any way.
And I assume that at some point she will contact me to try and get her stuff back. At the moment I am trying to decide between "burn her stuff" and "give it back". No idea which I will go with.
Put it in a box. Seal the box. Put the box in your closet. Do not open the box. Do not look at the box. Do not interact with the box at all except to put it outside your apartment door at a specified time if she wants to come get it. If she comes to get it, do not open the door, do not speak through the door, do not engage with her in any way.
This is a good idea. Listen to this guy/gal.
Yeah. The problem is that I want my stuff back. And when that happens this may be a bargaining sort of thing. So I do not want to give her stuff back and just hope that she gives my stuff back to me.
But that's probably a conversation / issue for next week. I probably do not have to deal with it right now.
And I assume that at some point she will contact me to try and get her stuff back. At the moment I am trying to decide between "burn her stuff" and "give it back". No idea which I will go with.
Put it in a box. Seal the box. Put the box in your closet. Do not open the box. Do not look at the box. Do not interact with the box at all except to put it outside your apartment door at a specified time if she wants to come get it. If she comes to get it, do not open the door, do not speak through the door, do not engage with her in any way.
This is a good idea. Listen to this guy/gal.
Yeah. The problem is that I want my stuff back. And when that happens this may be a bargaining sort of thing. So I do not want to give her stuff back and just hope that she gives my stuff back to me.
But that's probably a conversation / issue for next week. I probably do not have to deal with it right now.
Yeah, I know how that goes. It ended up taking over a year to get my stuff back from an ex. I probably could have gotten it sooner but I didn't want to be a creeper and keep bothering her.
In a week or two, it might not be a bad idea to just have a "stuff" swap. Keep it brief and polite but make it clear that you only are there to exchange personal belongings. That is if she is reasonable enough to agree to it.
Unless she has, like, medication or something of excessive sentimental value, I'd leave it alone for a week or two. She'll get her stuff back, you'll get yours back, there's no need to deal with it right this minute unless there's a notable urgency to anything of yours that she still has.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Yeah, it's not urgent stuff. Just books and clothes and whatnot.
She would usually come over her, change out of her clothes into my pajama pants and t-shirts, and then wear those through the night and till when i took her home. Because, you know, that is the sort of thing a girlfriend does.
Yeah, it's not urgent stuff. Just books and clothes and whatnot.
She would usually come over her, change out of her clothes into my pajama pants and t-shirts, and then wear those through the night and till when i took her home. Because, you know, that is the sort of thing a girlfriend does.
God damn it.
Here's a little ray of hope for you. I just got out of three years of hell with a girl who I suspected was cheating on me but couldn't quite pin her for it (I later learned that she had vast amounts of experience cheating and had nearly perfected her dog and pony show). She was extremly moody, tough to live with, and saught out drama every chance she could and really messed up the direction of my life. It was hard giving up the routine of being together, but after a few months of wondering what I did wrong I stopped the self-doubt and started dating again.
In about a week on the market I came across a wonderful woman who was completely different from the last woman I lived with, we've been seeing each other for five months and things are going well. We have a trusting and supportive relationship.... the thing is that she isn't like any of my previous girlfriends.
I can sympathize with the betrayal that you feel, but trust me when I say you're better off not living that life and it's to your benefit that you found out as soon as you did. Get back on the horse, but don't find another "her" find a different type of person. It'll work out.
So everyone had their own "Oh, K is dating X because of Y" story and once they all got around talking it became incredibly obvious that, basically, K was lying to everyone.
On the personality disorder thing, she is Bi-Polar, and last week she had a CAT-Scan and an MRI and found out that her condition was getting worse. So, yeah, I think there is probably a soft-science answer, or at least guess, as to why she might have done this given her being bi-polar and perhaps something more. But I never thought she would do something like this.
Hey, WE HAVE A WINNER! WOOOOOO!
The good news is she can gain some normalcy with medication. Bipolars can do this dual life shit. It's not a matter of being a sociopath... they just go with what feels good and what seems fun at the time. They believe their own BS and will construct worlds. Great method actors/roleplayers. They know details of lies... they remember what lie they told to whom... they just don't always see the web of the lies collide with each other. She might not have been with B the whole time, but she just got back with him due to some whim and then went whole hog for him and tried to push you away. She probably pushed him away when she decided to go with you for awhile. Does she also do the spending sprees?
She probably believed she actually loved you when she was with you. And probably believed she loved him when she was with him. She probably stops sometimes and says this is fucking crazy, what has she got herself into, yadda yadda yadda, and says she'll do better, but then ends up executing another self-destructive act that seems like a good idea at the time.
However, I say this with all sympathy... you're not obligated to be there to help her get better. It's very hard to help a bipolar rebuild their life and go through the relapses while they figure out their medication.
The good news is she can gain some normalcy with medication. Bipolars can do this dual life shit. It's not a matter of being a sociopath... they just go with what feels good and what seems fun at the time. They believe their own BS and will construct worlds. Great method actors/roleplayers. They know details of lies... they remember what lie they told to whom... they just don't always see the web of the lies collide with each other. She might not have been with B the whole time, but she just got back with him due to some whim and then went whole hog for him and tried to push you away. She probably pushed him away when she decided to go with you for awhile. Does she also do the spending sprees?
She totally does the spending sprees. There would be nights when she would spend $500 online buying shoes, dresses, jewelry, the whole thing.
I do not know if it "makes sense", but I can at least understand that narrative where she had two "personas", or poles, and she was bopping back and forth between the two. But that they never crossed, or that she never realized what she was doing...
I talked to her about B; I knew they were friends. She would sit on my couch and facebook him and text him. She told me they were just friends; I believed her. I was not going to tell her to not be friends with guys...but I cannot believe that she was sitting there thinking "Yeah, i'll fuck J tonight and then hang out with B tomorrow". That just...
She was seeing a doctor, taking medication, and I was trying to be supportive and help her. So, I knew she was bipolar, but i did not know it was manifesting itself this way.
She probably believed she actually loved you when she was with you. And probably believed she loved him when she was with him. She probably stops sometimes and says this is fucking crazy, what has she got herself into, yadda yadda yadda, and says she'll do better, but then ends up executing another self-destructive act that seems like a good idea at the time.
I was going through text messages and e-mails this morning...and if the whole thing for three months was a lie...I honestly do not know what to make of it. If she loved me at time X and him at time Y and just jumped back and forth between them...god I do not know what to make of that.
However, I say this with all sympathy... you're not obligated to be there to help her get better. It's very hard to help a bipolar rebuild their life and go through the relapses while they figure out their medication.
I completely agree that it is not my obligation. I just...like, all of her friends she made down in the department here now hate her. And if she is alone and confused and hurting I am afraid that she is going to hurt herself. But it is not my job to fix her...i just do not know anyone I could ask to check in on her down here.
And I do not know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I want her to be alright.
The sever part means you do not look at old e-mails/text messages. You take this time to better yourself. Hit the gym in your free time or do something you enjoy. Hell, play some video games, anything to distract you.
The sever part means you do not look at old e-mails/text messages. You take this time to better yourself. Hit the gym in your free time or do something you enjoy. Hell, play some video games, anything to distract you.
I say delete those messages NOW. There is never going to be a point in your life where you're going to say "oh hey I'm so glad I saved these." They are going to cause you undue amounts of pain now and won't do anything positive for you. Your relationship with this girl is over, getting rid of the detritus will make it easier to accept that fact.
I have held onto stuff from previous relationships and it just makes the recovery more painful and take longer. On one occasion I completely forgot I still had some of the stuff and my boyfriend at the time found stuff from my ex; it turned into an awkward conversation that was completely not worth it. JUST GET RID OF THE STUFF
edit: Just realized this is my first post in here even though I've been following this thread for a while... just wanted to say that you are doing a great job handling this maturely. You are doing a lot better than I'd be doing in your situation. Look on the bright side: It was only 3 months; it could've lasted a lot longer which would've only made it more painful. You have learned a lot. You have helped out another person (B). Best of luck to you, I am sure everything will work out.
They are going to cause you undue amounts of pain now and won't do anything positive for you.
In all honesty I am reading the messages and looking at pictures in the hope that I feel something. I honestly do not feel anything.
I dated a girl for three months and just found out that she had another boyfriend the whole time.
And I can't cry or feel anything. I'm just sitting here staring at things.
So I am trying to get myself to hurt and cry so I can try and get through this. Because, eventually, this is all going to sink in and I am going to break.
They are going to cause you undue amounts of pain now and won't do anything positive for you.
In all honesty I am reading the messages and looking at pictures in the hope that I feel something. I honestly do not feel anything.
I dated a girl for three months and just found out that she had another boyfriend the whole time.
And I can't cry or feel anything. I'm just sitting here staring at things.
So I am trying to get myself to hurt and cry so I can try and get through this. Because, eventually, this is all going to sink in and I am going to break.
I'm just trying to get to that point.
Yeah, you'll feel like that for a while. So hurry up and put her shit in a box while you can still function. Because, and trust me on this: In a couple days you're going to be extremely pissed off, then beg her to take you back then morbidly depressed and then finally one day down the road, you'll come to terms with it all.
The sever part means you do not look at old e-mails/text messages.
I say delete those messages NOW. There is never going to be a point in your life where you're going to say "oh hey I'm so glad I saved these." They are going to cause you undue amounts of pain now and won't do anything positive for you. Your relationship with this girl is over, getting rid of the detritus will make it easier to accept that fact.
I completely agree.
A girl (two girls that messed with me ago) and I had a rather extensive Facebook, email and text message interaction history. Good stuff, too - real personal, heart-to-heart stuff. I deleted it all two weeks after I realized that she was messing with me and that I was better off without her. My only regret today is waiting for two weeks.
It was a pretty hard thing to do, so I understand where you're coming from J. It's personal stuff. It's a memento of a better time, when you felt happy and loved. It's a part of yourself that you don't want to let go of. But believe me, you'll be better off after you do. It's a way of letting go, of not being tied to that past. And letting go is what you need to do to get over this heartache.
Caring about her is absolutely normal, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. But also don't let it get in the way of feeling hurt and betrayed, and doing what's right for you. You've handled everything perfectly fine thus far, and you're intending to cut off contact. That's a good plan, and stick with it. Things will suck for a while, but they always do after a relationship comes to a messy conclusion. Things will get better. You'll find someone awesome. Life will be good again.
God I remember when three months seemed an eternity. I've been with my fiancé for nine years now (yes, she is a very patient young lady). Trust me there is a whole world of difference between what you'll do for a relationship less than a year old and what you'll do once you find someone you can spend years with.
K has problems, she probably isn't sane enough to realize she hurt you. Ignore the crazy lady and have some friends help with the stuff swapping (backup is a necessity when you're dealing with crazy people IMHO). Odds are that K thinks she is somehow the victim, you should not try fix her or understand her. If sending her e-mails asking her if she is OK gives you some kind of closure then that's fine and dandy but it should be for you not her.
There is nothing wrong with caring about her, but right now you need to be a little self centered and worry about yourself.
I've dated crazy people before. Usually you don't know they're crazy for a while. You found out in less than six months; count yourself lucky, pick yourself up and enjoy not having to worry about anyone except yourself. From what little I can ascertain about you from your posts you seem very centered, don't worry about what you are or are not feeling right now. All you need to do is deal with your emotions as they come and stay centered.
Or, do what I did after dating a crazy person and turn to drugs and other self destructive stupidity until someone with a heart of gold comes along and helps you get your shit in order and then waits patently while you find yourself so you can start your life together. The former is better than the latter. I got lucky, you may not. You've dealt with this in a very adult manner thus far, good job and good luck with what comes next.
KlatBlutig on
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Inquisitor772 x Penny Arcade Fight Club ChampionA fixed point in space and timeRegistered Userregular
edited April 2010
Stop wallowing. You may not think it's wallowing, you may not "feel" anything, but you're wallowing. To paraphrase Aristotle: you are what you do.
Stop it.
Do the following. Immediately.
1. Get a big box.
2. Go through your place, and grab everything that is hers. Grab everything that she gave you that holds any sentimental value. (Unless it's worth $$$, in which case I'd sell it.)
3. Dump said things in said box.
4. Seal the box.
5. Dump the box in your closet/garage/basement/place that is safe but you never see.
6. Write a list of the shit you really want back that is irreplaceable (not the shit that is yours but you can get again, like a t-shirt).
7. Ask a mutual friend to give her the box. Give this person your list. Ask him/her to get you back the things on the list, because they are very valuable to you.
8. Grab a giant garbage bag.
9. Dump in any old photos, letters, etc. that you have from her.
10. Throw away the bag.
11. Delete her from your phone.
12. Get rid of her emails from your inbox.
13. Block her from Facebook and any other social networking sites.
14. Think of any other forms of communication, and ensure that she is blocked and all records expunged.
15. Take a cold shower.
16. Go work out.
17. Take a hot shower.
18. Go live life.
Seriously, any time you find yourself thinking of her, don't. Your brain needs to be re-wired to cut her out of your life. This means that you need to stop firing those neurons, especially if they just bring up negative feelings, because that just reinforces both the memories and the negative feelings. Re-direct your thoughts to something else. Play a game, read a book, work out, hang out with friends. Don't talk about her. Don't think about her. Don't masturbate thinking about her (...not that I know from personal experience...).
Posts
"I hope you are alright"?
"I HOPE YOU ARE ALRIGHT"??!?!?!?
Wow dude, she completely fucked you over and you still care about her. There isn't anything nice or understandable about this. You're acting like a complete doormat, and it sounds like you are as unstable as her because your actions right now are the exact opposite of rational.
Every single person in this thread has said the same thing: severe your ties with her. If you aren't going to listen to advice why ask for it?
Uh dude, they have been dating for 3 months.
Pretty sure that is not "love". It's more like unhealthy obsession.
I don't think it's normal.
You should teach biology and philosophy.
Seriously, he didn't come here asking if he was in love or not.
And I didn't post here asking for your opinion on what he was asking for.
What we think has no baring on how he feels.
_J_, dude, I'm sorry this went down. It's cold comfort, but as noted, it's better you found out sooner rather than later. I know what it's like to date someone irrational. I lived with such a person for almost all of last year, and I'm just now finally feeling like I'm back on my feet. I don't know how you feel, but I know how it feels to have someone betray you that you cared about deeply, be it for 3 months, 10 months or 10 years. It sucks, it hurts, but you've got to do what you can to move on with your life. Grieve, but try to keep to your schedule. Don't let her selfish actions continue to hurt you by harming your studies, at least where possible.
Yes, he came in here saying he got cheated on by a lying whore and asking what he should do. The overwhelming majority responded with "cut your ties with her." He then went and did the exact opposite by writing an email to her saying "I hope you're OK".
Then a couple of people tried to explain this with "oh that's fine, he's just in love" which is absolutely retarded.
I guess it might sound retarded to the love police.
Back on topic though...
_J_, I don't think there was anything wrong with sending the letter. That was actually one of the better ways you could have gotten rid of some of the stress. You should definitely cut contact now though.
Except that it gave her closure for the terrible thing she did without any consequences and will therefore continue the behavior to other poor saps who get sucked into her lies.
Really, because I read the letter as basically saying "You hurt me and others, you are not being a good person. I care about you but you ruined everything and did bad stuff, what did you expect would happen?"
Sounds like consequences to me. The end result is that it does not really matter what he said in his letter, she would have to care that she was a bitch or she would not change her behavior anyhow.
I mean, the entire OP mentioned the consequences of her decision. She is experiencing them. Broken friendships, awkward situations, destroyed relationships.
I do appreciate the advice, and you are all completely correct that I need to stop talking to her and get her out of my life as much as I can. At the moment I am trying to do that...but it has been less than 24 hours, so this is all still sinking in.
I am not going to try to contact her any more. I think the letter was enough. And I assume that at some point she will contact me to try and get her stuff back. At the moment I am trying to decide between "burn her stuff" and "give it back". No idea which I will go with.
I am not going to stop living, but she is in both of my classes for this week and I thought it best to avoid seeing her so soon after all of this. Next week I am going to go back to class. But right now I just need to hide and figure out what is going on with me.
What is absurd is that today I just feel empty. I am not mad or crying...I am just depressed and empty. I realize this was only a 3 month relationship and so, in the scheme of things, it was not that long. But we "dated" for two to three months prior to being "boyfriend and girlfriend", which adds a bit of time, and the relationship itself was one where, at times, we practically lived together. And we really did have a lot in common, we really did work well together, and it honestly felt like we were in a little pseudo marriage thing for a while there. Things got rough at the end, and now I have an explanatory story for why, but there were times when this felt real.
But none of it was real; the whole time she was running off to another guy.
Apparently B started thinking of breaking up with her around the end of December, because she started pulling away and was not available as often. And, yeah, that would be the case because she was spending most of her time with me. But then I think she started to feel him pull away so she pulled away from me and was trying to do the "i love you I want to be with you" thing with both of us.
And that's the part that leaves me staring at a wall trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.
On the personality disorder thing, she is Bi-Polar, and last week she had a CAT-Scan and an MRI and found out that her condition was getting worse. So, yeah, I think there is probably a soft-science answer, or at least guess, as to why she might have done this given her being bi-polar and perhaps something more. But I never thought she would do something like this.
Bitch be crazy, for sure, but I cannot help but feel like she does need friends and help. If part of this was due to her mental disease, then she needs help. Doing this sort of thing for the rest of her life will not behoove her. And there honestly is a part of her that is worth salvaging.
I am not the person to do that, and it is not my responsibility to help her. But I still care.
I dunno. I appreciate the feedback. I am going to go stare at the ceiling for a while.
I would only destroy the things that belong to you. Pictures and letters are a good example of things to burn/rip/trash.
You seem to be wrapping your head around this still but you have the right idea.
Give it a few days to sink in and start making plans from there.
One day at a time. This is a lot to take in.
This is a good idea. Listen to this guy/gal.
Yeah. The problem is that I want my stuff back. And when that happens this may be a bargaining sort of thing. So I do not want to give her stuff back and just hope that she gives my stuff back to me.
But that's probably a conversation / issue for next week. I probably do not have to deal with it right now.
Yeah, I know how that goes. It ended up taking over a year to get my stuff back from an ex. I probably could have gotten it sooner but I didn't want to be a creeper and keep bothering her.
In a week or two, it might not be a bad idea to just have a "stuff" swap. Keep it brief and polite but make it clear that you only are there to exchange personal belongings. That is if she is reasonable enough to agree to it.
She would usually come over her, change out of her clothes into my pajama pants and t-shirts, and then wear those through the night and till when i took her home. Because, you know, that is the sort of thing a girlfriend does.
God damn it.
I like my clothes.
But I am drinking the wine she left over here; that is for damn sure.
Here's a little ray of hope for you. I just got out of three years of hell with a girl who I suspected was cheating on me but couldn't quite pin her for it (I later learned that she had vast amounts of experience cheating and had nearly perfected her dog and pony show). She was extremly moody, tough to live with, and saught out drama every chance she could and really messed up the direction of my life. It was hard giving up the routine of being together, but after a few months of wondering what I did wrong I stopped the self-doubt and started dating again.
In about a week on the market I came across a wonderful woman who was completely different from the last woman I lived with, we've been seeing each other for five months and things are going well. We have a trusting and supportive relationship.... the thing is that she isn't like any of my previous girlfriends.
I can sympathize with the betrayal that you feel, but trust me when I say you're better off not living that life and it's to your benefit that you found out as soon as you did. Get back on the horse, but don't find another "her" find a different type of person. It'll work out.
She sounds like she has bipolar disorder,
Hey, WE HAVE A WINNER! WOOOOOO!
The good news is she can gain some normalcy with medication. Bipolars can do this dual life shit. It's not a matter of being a sociopath... they just go with what feels good and what seems fun at the time. They believe their own BS and will construct worlds. Great method actors/roleplayers. They know details of lies... they remember what lie they told to whom... they just don't always see the web of the lies collide with each other. She might not have been with B the whole time, but she just got back with him due to some whim and then went whole hog for him and tried to push you away. She probably pushed him away when she decided to go with you for awhile. Does she also do the spending sprees?
She probably believed she actually loved you when she was with you. And probably believed she loved him when she was with him. She probably stops sometimes and says this is fucking crazy, what has she got herself into, yadda yadda yadda, and says she'll do better, but then ends up executing another self-destructive act that seems like a good idea at the time.
However, I say this with all sympathy... you're not obligated to be there to help her get better. It's very hard to help a bipolar rebuild their life and go through the relapses while they figure out their medication.
She totally does the spending sprees. There would be nights when she would spend $500 online buying shoes, dresses, jewelry, the whole thing.
I do not know if it "makes sense", but I can at least understand that narrative where she had two "personas", or poles, and she was bopping back and forth between the two. But that they never crossed, or that she never realized what she was doing...
I talked to her about B; I knew they were friends. She would sit on my couch and facebook him and text him. She told me they were just friends; I believed her. I was not going to tell her to not be friends with guys...but I cannot believe that she was sitting there thinking "Yeah, i'll fuck J tonight and then hang out with B tomorrow". That just...
She was seeing a doctor, taking medication, and I was trying to be supportive and help her. So, I knew she was bipolar, but i did not know it was manifesting itself this way.
I was going through text messages and e-mails this morning...and if the whole thing for three months was a lie...I honestly do not know what to make of it. If she loved me at time X and him at time Y and just jumped back and forth between them...god I do not know what to make of that.
I completely agree that it is not my obligation. I just...like, all of her friends she made down in the department here now hate her. And if she is alone and confused and hurting I am afraid that she is going to hurt herself. But it is not my job to fix her...i just do not know anyone I could ask to check in on her down here.
And I do not know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I want her to be alright.
I have held onto stuff from previous relationships and it just makes the recovery more painful and take longer. On one occasion I completely forgot I still had some of the stuff and my boyfriend at the time found stuff from my ex; it turned into an awkward conversation that was completely not worth it. JUST GET RID OF THE STUFF
edit: Just realized this is my first post in here even though I've been following this thread for a while... just wanted to say that you are doing a great job handling this maturely. You are doing a lot better than I'd be doing in your situation. Look on the bright side: It was only 3 months; it could've lasted a lot longer which would've only made it more painful. You have learned a lot. You have helped out another person (B). Best of luck to you, I am sure everything will work out.
In all honesty I am reading the messages and looking at pictures in the hope that I feel something. I honestly do not feel anything.
I dated a girl for three months and just found out that she had another boyfriend the whole time.
And I can't cry or feel anything. I'm just sitting here staring at things.
So I am trying to get myself to hurt and cry so I can try and get through this. Because, eventually, this is all going to sink in and I am going to break.
I'm just trying to get to that point.
Yeah, you'll feel like that for a while. So hurry up and put her shit in a box while you can still function. Because, and trust me on this: In a couple days you're going to be extremely pissed off, then beg her to take you back then morbidly depressed and then finally one day down the road, you'll come to terms with it all.
It's a grieving process.
It's the grieving process.
I completely agree.
A girl (two girls that messed with me ago) and I had a rather extensive Facebook, email and text message interaction history. Good stuff, too - real personal, heart-to-heart stuff. I deleted it all two weeks after I realized that she was messing with me and that I was better off without her. My only regret today is waiting for two weeks.
It was a pretty hard thing to do, so I understand where you're coming from J. It's personal stuff. It's a memento of a better time, when you felt happy and loved. It's a part of yourself that you don't want to let go of. But believe me, you'll be better off after you do. It's a way of letting go, of not being tied to that past. And letting go is what you need to do to get over this heartache.
Caring about her is absolutely normal, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. But also don't let it get in the way of feeling hurt and betrayed, and doing what's right for you. You've handled everything perfectly fine thus far, and you're intending to cut off contact. That's a good plan, and stick with it. Things will suck for a while, but they always do after a relationship comes to a messy conclusion. Things will get better. You'll find someone awesome. Life will be good again.
K has problems, she probably isn't sane enough to realize she hurt you. Ignore the crazy lady and have some friends help with the stuff swapping (backup is a necessity when you're dealing with crazy people IMHO). Odds are that K thinks she is somehow the victim, you should not try fix her or understand her. If sending her e-mails asking her if she is OK gives you some kind of closure then that's fine and dandy but it should be for you not her.
There is nothing wrong with caring about her, but right now you need to be a little self centered and worry about yourself.
I've dated crazy people before. Usually you don't know they're crazy for a while. You found out in less than six months; count yourself lucky, pick yourself up and enjoy not having to worry about anyone except yourself. From what little I can ascertain about you from your posts you seem very centered, don't worry about what you are or are not feeling right now. All you need to do is deal with your emotions as they come and stay centered.
Or, do what I did after dating a crazy person and turn to drugs and other self destructive stupidity until someone with a heart of gold comes along and helps you get your shit in order and then waits patently while you find yourself so you can start your life together. The former is better than the latter. I got lucky, you may not. You've dealt with this in a very adult manner thus far, good job and good luck with what comes next.
Stop it.
Do the following. Immediately.
1. Get a big box.
2. Go through your place, and grab everything that is hers. Grab everything that she gave you that holds any sentimental value. (Unless it's worth $$$, in which case I'd sell it.)
3. Dump said things in said box.
4. Seal the box.
5. Dump the box in your closet/garage/basement/place that is safe but you never see.
6. Write a list of the shit you really want back that is irreplaceable (not the shit that is yours but you can get again, like a t-shirt).
7. Ask a mutual friend to give her the box. Give this person your list. Ask him/her to get you back the things on the list, because they are very valuable to you.
8. Grab a giant garbage bag.
9. Dump in any old photos, letters, etc. that you have from her.
10. Throw away the bag.
11. Delete her from your phone.
12. Get rid of her emails from your inbox.
13. Block her from Facebook and any other social networking sites.
14. Think of any other forms of communication, and ensure that she is blocked and all records expunged.
15. Take a cold shower.
16. Go work out.
17. Take a hot shower.
18. Go live life.
Seriously, any time you find yourself thinking of her, don't. Your brain needs to be re-wired to cut her out of your life. This means that you need to stop firing those neurons, especially if they just bring up negative feelings, because that just reinforces both the memories and the negative feelings. Re-direct your thoughts to something else. Play a game, read a book, work out, hang out with friends. Don't talk about her. Don't think about her. Don't masturbate thinking about her (...not that I know from personal experience...).