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Dealing with the Wife's friends.

Angel177Angel177 Registered User regular
edited June 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
So basic tale, One of my wife's best friends, who I don't care for, she's not a bad person just her morals and viewpoint don't mix, asked her to House sit and look after her dogs while she is in Ottawa.

My wife agrees but she knows how uncomfortable staying in another persons home is for me, she loves it, it's like a vacation for her but she resents me staying at our place.

Now if this was any of our other friends, no issue, but this friend, disapproves of me, due to the fact that when she and my wife met, I was unemployed due to my work visa running out and the only way to get one was to get an employer to agree to hire me and wait for approval (a process which could take up to 3 months!).

To make matters worse her husband has a traditional view of the releationship dynamic, man should look after woman, pay bills etc, so he's never accepted me and she is only kinda awkwardly ok with me.

Now while this is not to big of a deal, I'd like your opinions on how I could deal with becoming comfortable with this friendship, as it would mean a lot to my wife and I have no idea how I could do this.

thanks for reading

Angel177 on
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Posts

  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Get over it and tell your wife you're glad she has a social circle that supports her and she enjoys. Explain to her that the person isn't the most fun for you to hang out with, so you'd rather not go on outings all together.

    "Well, look at this. Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What's that make us?"
    "Big Damn Heroes, Sir."
    "Ain't we just."
  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    You could just put in your mind the following lines: I am staying here to support my wife, not her friend.

    I think you have good reasons to not like your wife's friend and her husband. I think that it would be good idea to just be courteous, but not friendly with them (you don't have to), in my case there is a lot of people I don't like, but that does not prevents me from having a drink or talking to them in social events, they are just not my friends.

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • ceresceres Just your problem OooSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited June 2010
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Get over it and tell your wife you're glad she has a social circle that supports her and she enjoys. Explain to her that the person isn't the most fun for you to hang out with, so you'd rather not go on outings all together.

    This. You can't do anything about her friends, and you shouldn't want to because presumably they're important to her. But that doesn't mean you need to be around them or live in their house for any period of time. You can stay home, and just as you're getting over the fact that she has friends that you don't get along with, she can get over the fact that these are going to be MY friends and not OUR friends. My husband and I each have separate friends as well as a group of those people who are definitely OUR friends. I don't think it's unhealthy.

    I'm a tiny bit confused as to why you need to live there to house-sit though. I think most people consider house-sitting checking in once or twice a day to feed pets and take in the mail and make sure nothing's burned down. If she wants to live there cool, but it's definitely reasonable to want to stay behind and make sure your own place is taken care of, so it's not weird even without the friend thing that you should want to stay home.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
    Dear Satan...
  • GungHoGungHo Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Get over it. You're house sitting because the people aren't even there. I don't know what personal issues you could have with someone that they piss you off so bad you can't even feed their dogs and put your ass on their couch and watch their TV. They're not murderers. They're just assholes.

    Besides, if she's that stodgy, she probably has some sex swing in her closet or a Sybian. And then, every time you see her, you can point and laugh on the inside.

    "Adios, mofo" -- TX Gov Rick Perry (R)
  • Angel177Angel177 Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    ceres wrote: »
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Get over it and tell your wife you're glad she has a social circle that supports her and she enjoys. Explain to her that the person isn't the most fun for you to hang out with, so you'd rather not go on outings all together.

    This. You can't do anything about her friends, and you shouldn't want to because presumably they're important to her. But that doesn't mean you need to be around them or live in their house for any period of time. You can stay home, and just as you're getting over the fact that she has friends that you don't get along with, she can get over the fact that these are going to be MY friends and not OUR friends. My husband and I each have separate friends as well as a group of those people who are definitely OUR friends. I don't think it's unhealthy.

    I'm a tiny bit confused as to why you need to live there to house-sit though. I think most people consider house-sitting checking in once or twice a day to feed pets and take in the mail and make sure nothing's burned down. If she wants to live there cool, but it's definitely reasonable to want to stay behind and make sure your own place is taken care of, so it's not weird even without the friend thing that you should want to stay home.

    To address some points, I agree with the fact that having seperate friends is fine but with this couple my wife WANTS to hang out as a set of couples, but here's one aspect of the history, this friend would have had my wife in her wedding party but told her "not if it meant I had to include him" and that hurt her a lot, but she got over it, Hell she did everything the maid of honour was supposed to do, and I..kinda gave the sigh and had the lets try to be friendly toward each other thing.

    and my wife just has to stay overnight becuase of the dogs, they NEED to have someone there at night, strange but whatever.

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  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Why not bring the dogs to your place?

  • Angel177Angel177 Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    small apartment, no way to have them here.

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  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Why not bring the dogs to your place?

    Can't always be done, it's probably safe to assume that if the dogs are unable to be left alone at their own home, trying to bring them to a new one would probably be a bad idea.

    I guess I understand your conundrum, I know I would feel really paranoid sleeping in someone else's bed when I knew they didn't like me. It does sound like there's more history here you're not telling us, as it seems very strange to me that someone your wife calls a friend would then be catty enough to tell her she can be in a wedding but not if she brings her husband, and still be considered a friend.

    In the end you only have two options anyway, you can be honest with you wife and say there's bad blood between you and this couple and that you refuse to put up with their bad attitudes. Or you can shut your mouth, and just grin and bear it. In the latter case though, that doesn't mean you shouldn't stand up for yourself, if you end up stuck in a situation with these people and they are being awful, by all means call them out on it. If you show them you won't put up with their shit, that will probably change the dynamic for the better.

  • BoutrosBoutros Registered User
    edited June 2010
    I have housesat many times for people on vacation, but never have I actually stayed at their houses. I just go over to their house a couple of times a day to get their newspaper and mail, feed their pets, and eat all of their food. Is this not an option?

  • mtsmts Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    heres how i see it being a total win situation for you
    1. stay with your wife while she dog sits. this wins husband points since she knows its out of your comfort zone
    2. have sex all over her friends house so that the next time you see her friend look at you condescendingly, you can wink back knowing you did the freaky deaky where she eats her cheerios.

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  • TheFullMetalChickenTheFullMetalChicken Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    mts wrote: »
    heres how i see it being a total win situation for you
    1. stay with your wife while she dog sits. this wins husband points since she knows its out of your comfort zone
    2. have sex all over her friends house so that the next time you see her friend look at you condescendingly, you can wink back knowing you did the freaky deaky where she eats her cheerios.

    Do this. Trust him he's a doctor.

  • ceresceres Just your problem OooSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited June 2010
    mts wrote: »
    heres how i see it being a total win situation for you
    1. stay with your wife while she dog sits. this wins husband points since she knows its out of your comfort zone
    2. have sex all over her friends house so that the next time you see her friend look at you condescendingly, you can wink back knowing you did the freaky deaky where she eats her cheerios.

    Do this. Trust him he's a doctor.
    I love it.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
    Dear Satan...
  • Angel177Angel177 Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Dark_Side wrote: »
    Why not bring the dogs to your place?

    Can't always be done, it's probably safe to assume that if the dogs are unable to be left alone at their own home, trying to bring them to a new one would probably be a bad idea.

    I guess I understand your conundrum, I know I would feel really paranoid sleeping in someone else's bed when I knew they didn't like me. It does sound like there's more history here you're not telling us, as it seems very strange to me that someone your wife calls a friend would then be catty enough to tell her she can be in a wedding but not if she brings her husband, and still be considered a friend.

    In the end you only have two options anyway, you can be honest with you wife and say there's bad blood between you and this couple and that you refuse to put up with their bad attitudes. Or you can shut your mouth, and just grin and bear it. In the latter case though, that doesn't mean you shouldn't stand up for yourself, if you end up stuck in a situation with these people and they are being awful, by all means call them out on it. If you show them you won't put up with their shit, that will probably change the dynamic for the better.

    Not really, I Came to Canada to pursue my releationship with my now wife, at the time we had no idea if it would work, so I came over on a years working visa, we assessed the idea at 9 months and at the time I had a promise of a contract extention but it never happened and my employer basically let me to high and dry and as already mentioned, 3 months for a visa dispite multiple job offers and 'oh, yeah no worries, we'll get you a visa'

    Add to this that her friend is very superfical and materialistic, raised in a rich home, upper class kind of area and pretty much wanted for nothing, her husband still pays for everything, where as I am working class raised, non materialistic, and as a buddhist my views are that things just weight you down
    (spiritually) and honestly I don't need shiny toys, and while my wife likes some aspects of that, she knows that WE are the important part of the realtionship.

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  • tsmvengytsmvengy Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    How to deal with it?

    Just be the bigger person and don't let their BS bother you.

    But seriously your wife was her maid of honor even after her friend ordered her not to bring you? That's kind of unbelievable.

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  • Dropping LoadsDropping Loads Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    This pretty much word for word describes a situation that arose with my wife and her born-into-privilege ditzy friend.

    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    Get over it and tell your wife you're glad she has a social circle that supports her and she enjoys. Explain to her that the person isn't the most fun for you to hang out with, so you'd rather not go on outings all together.

    This is exactly the perfect, and in fact only grown-up way to deal with the situation. Don't trash talk the friend, don't bring her up, and don't feel obligated to be around. You already "won" by the fact that you and your wife are married, so avoiding the one-upsmanship is great. It'll give you a chance to hang out with your friends that your wife doesn't like =)

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  • mysticjuicermysticjuicer Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    To address some points, I agree with the fact that having seperate friends is fine but with this couple my wife WANTS to hang out as a set of couples

    Explain to your wife that this is not something you are comfortable doing, since they obviously barely tolerate your presence.

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  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User
    edited June 2010
    Some people will find all kinds of retarded reasons for not liking someone. Don't let it get you down, just focus on being the person you want to be and can be happy with.

    Spoiler:
  • DiscoZombieDiscoZombie Registered User
    edited June 2010
    man, if your wife is a normal and loving person, I don't understand why she doesn't chew her "friend" out for the way she treats you. Unless you're not telling us the whole story, I can't see any reason for her to act that way toward you, and why your wife should tolerate it.

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