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The Lovely BastardThe Lovely Bastard Registered User regular
edited August 2010 in Singularity Engine++
Sure, there's a little movie called The Exendables coming out August 13th, but there's another reason that date is radical. That's right, it's not just any "the 13th" it's a Friday the 13th, and doggies, you know what that means.


The year was 1980.

Teenagers was having sex and doing drugs like it wasn't no big thing.

Hell, that sex might have even been unprotected.

That shit just ain't kosher, and one lady just was not taking that any longer.

Friday the 13th was the story of a young mongoloid child who drowned to death at camp in the 50's because teenagers was too busy bumping uglies to pay attention to him. I know, people did have sex in the 50's. I Love Lucy and Father Knows Best lied to you.

Move forward to CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, 1980. To avenge her son and expose those lies, Mrs. Voorhees went crazy and killed a bunch of teenage counselors and also Kevin Bacon because seriously what the fuck was the deal with Flatliners until she found herself quite decapitated .


It appears Jason was not dead. He survived being drowned because the Voorhees is too baller to be stopped by a mere lack of oxygen. Instead, he grew up and became a twisted backwards hillbilly with a sack for a head.

See? Look at that impeccable sense of fashion

Jason, having seen his mom decapitated decided to avenge his mother's death. And what better way than killing more teenagers?

Featuring more kills and half the cast getting drunk instead of being there to be killed and never being heard from again, the Voorhees established himself as the apex predator. Jason Voorhees is the shark of camps in New Jersey.

And if you thought he was terrifying in 2-D, well, Friday the 13th added a whole new dimension of terror


Yeah, that's right bitches.

Jason in 3-D.

Featuring an incredibly long scene with a yo-yo, and also the debut of the trademark hockey mask, Friday the 13th Part 3-D also introduced the world to Shelly, the loveable nerd.

Okay, so he wasn't so loveable and they decided to end the series in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.

It starred Corey Feldman as Tommy Jarvis and Crispin Glover as some douche.

Crispin Glover danced.

and Jason was dead and buried.


Tommy Jarvis, now older and fucked up in the head and not being played by Corey Feldman, is in a home for crazy, fucked in the head teenagers. And Jason is back to haunt him. Some thought it might really be Jason. Some thought it might be Tommy has snapped and become Jason.

Clearly this would not do, so Tom Mcloughlin took over for Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives.

It has the most ridiculous and fun deaths, but no nudity.

On the plus side, this happens:

Tell me that is not a badass shot.

I dare you.

Jason's rampages continued.

He fought a telekinetic and got really fucking ugly in Part VII

He decided to take a cruise ship to Manhattan in Part VIII

He became a Richard Gant and then went to Hell

And then, naturally, he went to Space and became a cyborg

Jason had killed a lot of people by now.

But there was not challenge he had not yet conquered:

Kicking the shit out of Freddy Krueger

Thankfully, in Freddy Vs. Jason he does this.

And he also beat up one of the non-Beyonce ladies of Destiny's Child!

Also, anyone who says the ending was a draw or that Jason did not win is a chump.

In 2009 they decided to reboot the Friday the 13th franchise.

Some people were angry that Jason ran in it and used traps, but those people are dumb.

All's you gotta do is ask your self one question: Did Jason kill himself hells of teenagers?

If the answer is yes, then fuck you, it was a good Friday the 13th movie.

The franchise, while not only radical, also either elevated or featured these major name stars/dreamboats

Now let's celebrate Jason's reign of terror with classic video games

Or sweet kicks:

And if you ain't down with the Voorhees, well

The Lovely Bastard on


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