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Where do you draw the line?
Posts
Or tricking her into leaving the residence and then locking the door behind her?
I kid, I kid.
Kind of.
She isn't in the house when he's not there, I would never let that happen, but he's always there. Except the 2 days a week when he works he is at home most of the time. I work 8to5 M/F so I don't know how often he runs errands or anything during the day but I imagine it's not very frequent. This last Tues was kind of a test for me. I knew he was going to be at work all day and I came home half expecting to see her there. She wasn't but shortly after he got home, she came back over.
I can just see you coming home like in that episode of Friends where Chandler finds Joey locked in the TV cabinet and your place cleaned out.
Also, you put up with it much longer than I wouldve had, I would tell him that if he wants to live with her so badly, they need to find their own place, and start looking for a new roommate.
And remember: you're not being a dick. That was a possibility you raised in your OP, and you've since raised it in a couple replies, saying that you're going to come off like "the bad guy." Please take the knowledge that this isn't true with you as you go and assert how you feel about this situation, confident in the knowledge that you don't actually have to "test" the girl or keep a calendar or make her punch a timeclock so you know how often she's coming or going. You don't feel comfortable with the situation; that's essentially all that matters.
Also? I think you should probably consider the strong possibility that your roommate's innate fucking insanity may not make him a suitable person to share a living space with when your lease runs out. I'm sure it seems to directly impact you with relative infrequency, but on a long enough timeline, that shit will spill over into your life, too.
Yeah this seems to be the best bet. There's no reason for secrecy. I'll just ask them both what's going on and how long she is planning on staying. If they can't or won't give a definitive date then I'll have to set one.
A while back I had a roommate who pulled the same stunt.
He decided to fly his fiance down from across the country, and only tell me this two days before she arrived. She had visited him previously for a weekend or so, nothing out of the ordinary but this time she ended up moving most of her possessions with her.
Two weeks in I told them to pay up or get out. Ended up staying for two goddamn months before moving out and getting their own place - but they both ended up paying rent.
To this day I hate the douchebag, but she was actually pretty cool.
I agree, but I don't even want to give her the option of paying rent as an excuse to stay there. I invited him to be my roommate, not him and her. I rented this place by the book and even got my roommate added to the lease so there wouldn't be any kind of shady subletting going on. I was very strict about that and I'll be damned if I'm going to jump through the hoops to get her on the lease too.
The canonical definition of having moved in. Let them know that if she's not gone in a week, you're informing the landlord. I know you're not concerned with the legalese, but that's a good way to make it not your problem and not your fault.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
So, she just comes over, sleeps in his room, and doesn't have any sort of relations with him? This should be ringing about ten different alarm bells for the both of you. I'd explain to him that there's a very good chance she's just stringing him along so that she and a couple of buddies can clean you guys out, kick her out, and get your locks changed. It wouldn't have been that hard for her to "borrow" a key for a couple of hours and get copies of it made.
Barring that, I would get renters' insurance and document everything you own ASAP.
I think it is time to get your own place dude.
That's a whole different thread. This actually was my own place when I first moved in, but he was leaving his old apartment and was looking for a cheaper place to stay. I decided to add him to the lease and rent him a room in order offset my bills. He was supposed to get a job before he moved in, then it turned into shortly after he moved in, now well, it's going on 4 years. Being roommates has worked out well so far as we get along, except for this hiccup. As long as he pays rent I don't care where the money comes from, but as soon as that runs out he knows full well he has to either get a job that lets him afford staying here or move out.
So you are his landlord, this is your house? Did he sign a lease? Surely if he did there is some kind of clause that says what constitutes living there.
If not then just tell her to get the hell out.
Also, I say talk to her, make staying there uncomfortable. I don't mean be crazy, but everyday ask her how her kid is doing at home without his mom, talk to her about when she is leaving, ask her to clean up any messes you see her leave, and just really acknowledge that you see her in your space, and you don't like it.
Start conversations about guests who overstay their welcome, and (this is mostly a joke) let her come across you holding her toothbrush, or any other things she leaves around your place. I'd be right pissed if anyone, let alone a guy I don't know well was holding my things.
Yeah, I was waiting for an update, but since the possibility is being raised already, you can usually get a criminal background check turned around for you at your local police station for a pittance. Who knows, maybe you'll luck out and she's got outstanding warrants in Texas or something.
Personally, I'd be checking up on whatever is going on at her last known address and finding out what her deal actually is, but your trust issues may not run as deep as mine.
Her motive for being there will either come out - in which case you can reevaluate - or she'll leave.
She actually left before I got home from work today, we'll just see how long she stays gone. I don't mind if she comes over during the weekend, it's the every day thing that annoys me. Nobody I know comes over every day, not even friends I've had for 20+ years.
No but really, next time they're there mention it. Because all they're doing is waiting until you get comfortable with her again so that you give them just a little bit more leeway. They'll keep pushing you.
Just tell him that guests stay less than half a week and work around that.
Satans..... hints..... I'm a mo bro!
Exactly, the longer you go without getting in their faces about this, the more they are going to assume it's ok. She'll probably only be around as long as your place is more comfortable than wherever she lives. You not confronting them about it is making your house more and more comfortable for her, so stop that.
But really, best thing to do is to tell them to either gtfo, or, find a different living arrangement that doesn't involve her staying there for more than a day or two.
It's simply talking to the roommate and his friend-who-happens-to-be-a-girl-and-sleeps-with-him-but-doesn't-'sleep'-with-him. We're not talking about doing something drastic, just fucking talking.
Personally I'd leave the girl completely out of it for now. If OP tries to sit them both down, suddenly it's two against one since, since realistically the guy and girl are going to support each other, or she's going to dominate and the roomy follows along. Plus, it's honestly none of the girl's business, this should be a conversation between the two people paying to live there. I don't think she factors into it all until there's an agreement on extended guests in the apartment.
"I'm sorry you don't get to make decisions since you don't pay rent and aren't on the lease."
Or
"I'm not talking to you, I'm talking about you."
I think something's fishy. I'd like to see what they say if/when the confrontation happens (and make no mistake - it needs to).