Look, it's obvious that she's being the difficult one in this situation. Stationary desktop trumps mobile laptop in the whole "I have a right to work in this location" game, period. End of story.
I almost agree with this. I can see how if she is studying and is tired and wants to be in the warm comfortable room, that makes sense. She is working, he is surfing the internet/playing games. Her 'work' is obviously of more importance, and sometimes in a long relationship you have to know when your partner just needs a bit of space and extra consideration.
He could just temporarily move the desktop, probably with much less fuss than he has had already.
If they were both just messing around in the room, or both studying, it would of course be on her to move, but if she is working and he is just tinkering about, hers is the greater need.
She is being totally mean and unnecessary about expressing herself though, and the manipulation is out of line.
Surely if she is trying to study, the noise of him temporarily moving his entire desktop PC to another room would be far worse than the noise of him typing in the same room.
Look, it's obvious that she's being the difficult one in this situation. Stationary desktop trumps mobile laptop in the whole "I have a right to work in this location" game, period. End of story.
I almost agree with this. I can see how if she is studying and is tired and wants to be in the warm comfortable room, that makes sense. She is working, he is surfing the internet/playing games. Her 'work' is obviously of more importance, and sometimes in a long relationship you have to know when your partner just needs a bit of space and extra consideration.
He could just temporarily move the desktop, probably with much less fuss than he has had already.
If they were both just messing around in the room, or both studying, it would of course be on her to move, but if she is working and he is just tinkering about, hers is the greater need.
She is being totally mean and unnecessary about expressing herself though, and the manipulation is out of line.
Surely if she is trying to study, the noise of him temporarily moving his entire desktop PC to another room would be far worse than the noise of him typing in the same room.
When we take the desktop to someone else's home for a lan, it takes us maybe 10 minutes, tops, total to move the entire thing. She then has the entire rest of the night out there in silence to study.
I am sure this argument of theirs took more time than simply moving his desktop computer would.
This whole process is made easier if you have wireless, which I assume they do because she has a laptop.
I don't think CasedOut's girlfriend is being as unreasonable as all that.
I'm going to focus on the "permission" side of things, because that's what I see as the real issue. In the scenario we have in front of us, she was studying in the living room when he arrived. He came in to the room and started making noise. Sure, he can use of the room as well, but it's not particularly considerate to--without so much as a word of apology or warning--set up doing something that annoys the person who was there before you.
I think that next time CasedOut finds himself in a situation like this, he should try asking for permission. A simple "Hey, I have to do some work on my computer. Do you mind?" won't cost him anything. If she gives him the go-ahead, problem solved. If she doesn't, then there are indeed deeper issues to be examined.
Don't buckle on this. It's going to set a bad precedent for your relationship. You start here, and you'll start buckling on everything. Trust me, I've been down that road. Stand up for yourself.
Don't ask permission for anything. It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Just move your computer to the other room and get a heater. Situation diffused. Her laptop can play movies just as well as your computer can. If it's a monitor thing, you can move a monitor from your pc to her laptop I would imagine.
I am not you, but so much whining from her part makes me sick. It seems that the real issue here is not the noise coming from the keyboard, but something else. I would think that she wants you out.
Perhaps it is time for you to find your own place
Fantasma on
Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
edited November 2010
Ask clearly what you are allowed to do here.
Lets be honest here, you and your girlfriend use the computer a lot, you spend a lot of time on the computer.
I mean she gave you the option for ask permission to make minimal noise in your own house, in your general living area, or sit in silence, bored out of your mind. This is unfair.
She has a choice go to the spare room appreciate the silence and be cold or be in the living room and have to put up with a minor amount of annoyance.
You ask for permission from your significant other when you do things out of the ordinary. This would be inviting friends over, or moving furniture, quietly entertaining yourself in the living area does not come under this.
There's not much else to say to this. She's the only one being unreasonable and unfortunately you can't really bring this up and go "SEE" because that's just going to make things worse.
Your choices are pretty much:
Keep doing it, risk getting her angry and her calling you a selfish dick
Accommodate her, setting a bad precedent over something that's not your fault
Break up
Retaliate by asking her to leave the living room while you do your non-homework stuff because her studying over there is really setting off your PC gaming/forum posting groove and she's a selfish dick for not considering your feelings, and then reiterate how stupid saying all those things really are and how it's basically putting her in your position with outlandish claims
It sucks to have to do that last one, but sometimes it works.
bowen on
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
I don't think CasedOut's girlfriend is being as unreasonable as all that.
I'm going to focus on the "permission" side of things, because that's what I see as the real issue. In the scenario we have in front of us, she was studying in the living room when he arrived. He came in to the room and started making noise. Sure, he can use of the room as well, but it's not particularly considerate to--without so much as a word of apology or warning--set up doing something that annoys the person who was there before you.
I think that next time CasedOut finds himself in a situation like this, he should try asking for permission. A simple "Hey, I have to do some work on my computer. Do you mind?" won't cost him anything. If she gives him the go-ahead, problem solved. If she doesn't, then there are indeed deeper issues to be examined.
Hey everyone, thanks for all of the input. This post here is pretty much the agreement we came to though.
She said if I come home and she is doing homework to just give her five minutes of silence to finish the problem she is on then she will go into the other room. I feel that is fair enough at this point. What do you guys think?
I don't think CasedOut's girlfriend is being as unreasonable as all that.
I'm going to focus on the "permission" side of things, because that's what I see as the real issue. In the scenario we have in front of us, she was studying in the living room when he arrived. He came in to the room and started making noise. Sure, he can use of the room as well, but it's not particularly considerate to--without so much as a word of apology or warning--set up doing something that annoys the person who was there before you.
I think that next time CasedOut finds himself in a situation like this, he should try asking for permission. A simple "Hey, I have to do some work on my computer. Do you mind?" won't cost him anything. If she gives him the go-ahead, problem solved. If she doesn't, then there are indeed deeper issues to be examined.
Hey everyone, thanks for all of the input. This post here is pretty much the agreement we came to though.
She said if I come home and she is doing homework to just give her five minutes of silence to finish the problem she is on then she will go into the other room. I feel that is fair enough at this point. What do you guys think?
Yeah, this is much more reasonable than she seems to have been being last night.
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
edited November 2010
Look it really isn't.
It's a compromise and she is at least giving you something but I wouldn't call it terribly fair.
What else can you do when you come home? I mean if there are plenty of things for you to do other than use that computer to do computer things or watch some telly on it then sure, but if there isn't it's still kinda unfair.
I don't see why it's not fair, it's not like she (hopefully) will be sitting there for 4 hours finishing the problem she's working on. Maybe 5-10 minutes tops, go get an apple or something.
bowen on
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
edited November 2010
The way he has described it is that the place is tiny. If there is honestly something else for him to do sure. But by the sounds of it she would complain about the sound he would make eating the apple.
I mean it's typing on a keyboard while she is studying. If she can't handle that she sure as shit wont be able to handle anything when she gets a real job.
BTW, get her a heater for her room. She'll probably be happy even though she said that wasn't the point. Because it was one of the points and she is unhappy with it.
bowen on
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
Seriously, sounds perfectly reasonable now (the new compromise). I know when my roommate comes home, or first wakes up, he just needs about 10 minutes or so to either unwind (home from work) or orient himself (waking up). We have a small apartment, but it's not hard to just leave him the hell alone for a bit, and then he's perfectly fine. I'm happy to do it for him, because it makes him a more pleasant person to live with. It's not a hardship by any means.
Glad you two were able to sort this out, and that she specifically was able to tone down the irrational expectations.
So what is he supposed to do when he gets home? Can he shut the door normally? Or does he have to sneak into his own home, tip-toeing around not to annoy her?
Its not fair.
Yes, its a compromise, yes its better then what she was at before, but its still not remotely the reasonable choice. Has she discussed why she cant put on headphones/listen to music?
Honestly, Im still not convinced the issue was about the typing. Because seriously, if it is...she might be crazy.
She probably doesnt like that you get to relax/havefun/whatever while she has to study.
Im also confused by the 5-10 minute rule. Can you say hello? Can you give her a hug and a kiss and ask how her day was? Or do you have to walk in and sit in silence until the time is up and you are allowed to go about your business?
It's five minutes. I know when I'm working on a problem, or in the middle of something important, five minutes is about the right amount of time for me to sort of pull myself mentally out of it. I sincerely doubt she expects him to phase through the door and levitate into the other room so as not to make any noise. She's just asking that if she's studying, he give her just a few minutes to finish what she's working on, and then he can do whatever.
I do that all the time at work. If I'm in the middle of something, and someone stops by my desk, I have no qualms about letting them know that I just need a minute and then they'll have my undivided attention. The same often applies to doing things at home, or at school. This is not particularly unreasonable behavior. Her behavior the other day? Totally unreasonable.
Also, some keyboards are indeed loud. Especially if one is an aggressive typer.
I dont know. Ive never once been distracted by typing. I still dont see where the line is. If he comes in and says "hey honey, how was your day." and kisses her on the cheek will she be all "YOU INSENSTIVE PRICK! IM WORKING ON A PROBLEM!" Or will she simply say "pretty good, im finishing up this problem right now, give me 5 minutes."
Honestly, from the reaction before, it seems to me theres a solid risk of it leaning a bit to the former, on days where she might be cranky.
If you are in a position where you need to concentrate so badly that typing will distract you, put on some headphones or go in a non community room. Anything beyond that is extremely selfish and insenstive to others.
Plus, does the OP come home around the same time every day? If so, she should be prepared for him to come home and move in the other room if his noise is going to distract her.
Probably the latter reaction. A kiss on the cheek and a greeting isn't the same as settling in to do some internets browsing and/or gaming.
It does seem ridiculous to me that she has an entire room all to herself but elects not to use it because it's not comfortable for her. The responsibility is kind of on her to make that space comfortable if she indeed wants to claim it as her own space. Otherwise she's just being a goose.
I dont know. Ive never once been distracted by typing. I still dont see where the line is. If he comes in and says "hey honey, how was your day." and kisses her on the cheek will she be all "YOU INSENSTIVE PRICK! IM WORKING ON A PROBLEM!" Or will she simply say "pretty good, im finishing up this problem right now, give me 5 minutes."
Honestly, from the reaction before, it seems to me theres a solid risk of it leaning a bit to the former, on days where she might be cranky.
I don't know. It sounds like you're just making stuff up to undermine their solution.
Fact is, whether you can get your head around her issue with typing noises or not, she finds it distracting. Problems rarely go away just because you think they shouldn't be problems. People tend not to cleave to solutions that amount to, "Suck it up, princess! This is my house!" Problems can, however, be adequately addressed if the people involved are willing to make small compromises. CasedOut can wait the five minutes to use the computer, no big deal. His girlfriend can uproot herself from the couch and move to the other room, no big deal.
Im not trying to undermine anything. Its just, walking through the door, taking off your jacket, kicking your shoes off, putting your keys on the counter...
all of this is WAY more distracting then typing.
So Im honestly curious as to what she expects him to do, noise wise, when he comes in. If shes not ok with typing, how is she ok with all of that?
If shes not ok with typing, how would she be ok with him actually adressing HER personally with a greeting?
No, a kiss on the cheek isnt the same as typing or gaming, but it is far more distracting in the moment, which according to her 5 minute rule, is a big deal. I mean if hes going to break her out of her concentration with a greeting, why couldnt she then (since shes no longer concentrating) move to a more quiet work space?
It just doesnt seem possible to me that typing is more distracting then all of those things. And thus, it seems less like its about being distracted and more about her not liking having to work while hes having fun near her.
You're kind of projecting your own ideas of what is distracting onto this situation with two virtual strangers. People find different things annoying. Unless CasedOut comes back and is like "So I came home today and gave her a kiss on the cheek and she bit my head off like a Praying Mantis but without the fun sex beforehand" then we can be like "She's being unreasonable again." As it stands, she just seems to mind the typing. Situation has been addressed, so there's really no sense in all of this speculation on our parts.
I can type pretty forcibly and loudly enough that it'd be annoying to someone who was in a room with me. I can certainly see why it'd be distracting while working on homework if you've got a wandering mind or have a hard time focusing or something.
bowen on
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
EDIT: No point in debating it. Not the right forum. Hope things work out.
However, I think the best solution would simply be him be warry of her while shes in the room and not go on forums or stuff that would require a ton of typing. Or if he does type, keep it down. That seems far better then "no computer for 5-10 minutes."
I think you need to focus more on how these arguments are playing out than on living room logistics. I might not be able to explain this well so please ask questions if this doesn't make sense.
I'm married and have lived with my wife for 6 years now. What works for us isn't going to work for everyone. That doesn't matter though, because the important thing is that you find your own way to have this type of argument in a constructive way. Yes, this is a silly little thing. There will be PLENTY of silly little things that come up in the course of a long term relationship, and having a good way to deal with them as they come up really helps make sure those small things ("can you not type so loud") don't become big things ("OMG what an unreasonable jerk!").
First, try to keep in mind that this is someone you (ostensibly) care deeply about. They probably aren't doing this just to piss you off or make your life difficult. They might be stressed out, just not thinking clearly, or might be having a hard time being able to express what they really think. Be patient, and give them time to explain what it is that they think and why. Then repeat it back to them so they know you understand it the right way. This can take a while, but it's worth it. It shows a lot of respect and will help you find the root problem, which will make the whole situation that much easier to deal with.
Second, and I know this can seem strange but it's awesome for my wife and I, sit down BESIDE the person. Sometimes we use pencil and paper to write out what the problem is to focus on that. Why? because now you're on the SAME TEAM. When you're standing looking at each other and you jab your fingers out or make gestures that you're mad at the problem, it's really easy for the other person to interpret this as a personal attack. Sitting beside someone makes it easy to say "I understand that this issue came up, and that it's important to you. Lets find a way to make that issue go away together."
Finally, try to solve your problems using the idea of "A decisions and B decisions." Basically this means that there are some decisions that prevent you from trying other things, and some decisions that are really easy to try before you try something else. In this case, giving her 5 minutes is something that is easy to try, and so that would be an A decision. You permanently moving your computer would be a little bit harder, so that's a B decision. Unless you have a really good reason to want to do B right away, it doesn't really hurt you to try A first. Remember, this is something that is a minor issue. She's not getting gender reassignment surgery, she wants 5 minutes of quiet when she studies. You can try her solution first If the five minute break thing doesn't work out, then you can bring it back up, as a team, and try another solution.
(Yelling at your girlfriend and telling her to shut up would be a C decision, b/c then you definitley wouldn't get the opportunity to try A or B.)
Now, I'm not saying roll over and give her what she wants no matter what. There are things that she wanted in this case (like you not taking your computer to the other room no matter what) that are just unfair, in which case it should come out that that is a bad solution, because it doesn't work for everyone. But the main thing is that this problem is TEMPORARY, you will solve it together, and you will be on the same team. Don't lose focus on the big picture over little things.
TL/DR : The goal isn't to try to be "right", the goal is to identify the problem and solve it as a team.
lots of edits as I try and phrase things better.
Dropping Loads on
Sceptre: Penny Arcade, where you get starcraft AND marriage advice.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
Get a new girlfriend. No offense, but you don't seem to be the most assertive of dudes. "Oh, I searched Ebay for quieter keyboards but didn't find any." "Oh, how about if I be very quiet for five minutes and then ask you to please leave." "Does that sound like a good plan, guys?".
I shared a room once with some Polish guy. When I was trying to sleep, he would talk loudly on Skype, play music, and watch films. When he was sleeping, he wanted total silence.
I put up with this crap because I was planning on moving soon. But when he started bitching at me for "typing too loud" and "clicking too loud", that was my limit. My response to this "can you stop typing/clicking?" request was "No. Fuck off." He moved shortly thereafter. I moved shortly after that, as planned.
Total mental defective. Anyone who finds typing even remotely annoying has serious problems of a psychological nature. Tell her to fuck off and get her out of your apartment or move yourself.
LearnedHand on
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amateurhourOne day I'll be professionalhourThe woods somewhere in TennesseeRegistered Userregular
edited November 2010
Or you could not take that horrible advice.
OP, you've made a decent compromise and good job. Living with someone else is hard, no matter what the relationship is. There's going to be ups and downs, and you two seemed to have handled this pretty well.
HOWEVER, be careful man. Everything about your story was pretty fine except for how she "feels that you don't respect her".
That's not a thought she needs to have in the back of her head all day long. I know it's settled, but as for my .02, I feel like there's still more to that behind the scenes. You need to talk with her about it at some point.
Ahem. And I'd have probably brought mine out to type on if I was treated like the OP, but that's probably not the most mature way to handle the situation.
I see her stating he doesn't care as an a to b to z moment after being stressed and cranky. She stated the problem, she didn't feel that he understood the problem and that he didn't seem to understand how distracting his typing is (whether it really is or not) and since he can't understand this he obviously doesn't pay attention or care about the little things and so on. If this is the first time its happened, while not good, I wouldn't see it as a major problem as long as she sees that she doesn't feel that way. If on some level she does feel that way then there are serious issues that need to be worked on. If something like this doews happen again, then it needs to be worked on I would say.
As fr the solution, I side somewhat with people saying its not fair. Yes, hr makes noise and is a distraction when coming home, but at least for me a sudden distraction is so much easier to recover from than a constant minor distraction. As well, a pleasent distraction is by far easier to go along with ad forgive, like a kiss on the cheek, than an unpleasent distraction. I do agree though that it seems unreasonable for her to have her own room more or less but refuse to use it. If she doesn't want to use it than you two should try to come to a compromise. Laptops work surprisingly well for watching movies. Is this something that has to be fixed now? Not at all, it is something I would say should just slowly be looked at and tweeked over time until you both feel that you have a good compromise, as I would say to do with most small problems. Keep small problems small.
The main problem I have is that you are asking permission to use some of yours and she has denied you permisson to do with it as you wish. Yes, you both use it but for what she uses it for you both can do with either her laptop or less than $300 for a tv and dvd player. If it is in your budget I would suggest that you bring that up as an option and then turn her computer room into a general computer room. I would think that would allow you both a little more freedom to do as you please. The obvious downside for both of you is that it may mean you spend more time apart in the apartment depending on how you both usually spend your time.
Listen to Dropping Loads. The only thing I would add is the importance of "I statements" when dealing with problems, "I feel that..." for example. Saying something like "I feel that having to ask you and then wait for you to use my computer isn't fair to me, and I know you like having it in here for watching movies in. Would you be willing to consider us getting a TV and dvd player so that I can move the computer to our spare room?" Maybe a tv as a christmas gift between you two to each other or something.
I would say that if you do want to go back and look at this again and try to use a different solution, wait until after this semester is over or sometime when she has a decent break from home and such if it involves any real changes around the apartment. She sounds very stressed with school and possibly life, I don't know, but giving in more on your compromises now, if you two can work out something more equal later when school is less of a stress inducer, will help you two I feel.
I thought she was being incredibly childish in the OP but this solution seems reasonable to me. She's saying 'give me a few minutes to wrap up my work and then I'll move to the other room'. That's reasonable.
If he starts demanding that when she's home alone she never work in the living room because he may come home and want to immediately get on his computer without giving her time to move rooms then he's being an unreasonable. They've worked this out quite well, if she's in the living room when he gets in she just asks that he respects her space for 5 minutes so she can move and he can then have the living room to do whatever he wants. They're both getting what they want and it's an even compromise.
Hey man, i'm glad you guys came to a conesnsus that is fair. I'd get an electric space heater for her office, just in case. Maybe even get her one with an liquid incense heater built into it. I got one like that when i lived in a converted garage and it heated up a two car garage pretty well. Cost me about 50 bucks but i still use it six years later.
Getting a space heater will probably be a good idea, but I would wait for things to settle down and then bring it up as its own separate issue. If you just go out and buy one now that could come off as you not listening to her or trying to buy her off, depending on how you guys split money.
Dropping Loads on
Sceptre: Penny Arcade, where you get starcraft AND marriage advice.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
Getting a space heater will probably be a good idea, but I would wait for things to settle down and then bring it up as its own separate issue. If you just go out and buy one now that could come off as you not listening to her or trying to buy her off, depending on how you guys split money.
I'm not saying to buy a space heater so you can use that to say "Hey, you HAVE AN OFFICE, GO THERE!", i'm saying buy a spaceheater so the office wont be cold period. Make sure she knows that you did it because you ARE listening to her needs and you do care about her.
Getting a space heater will probably be a good idea, but I would wait for things to settle down and then bring it up as its own separate issue. If you just go out and buy one now that could come off as you not listening to her or trying to buy her off, depending on how you guys split money.
I'm not saying to buy a space heater so you can use that to say "Hey, you HAVE AN OFFICE, GO THERE!", i'm saying buy a spaceheater so the office wont be cold period. Make sure she knows that you did it because you ARE listening to her needs and you do care about her.
Yeah, I totally get your point .
What I'm saying is, the OP doesn't get to decide how she will interpret that gesture. If he waits and then comes back to it later, she's much more likely to agree with you and me and the OP that it's a really awesome thing to do.
The OP also hasn't mentioned the money situation, so I'm trying to be considerate of that since a lot of the good solutions would require money (i.e. another computer, space heater).
Dropping Loads on
Sceptre: Penny Arcade, where you get starcraft AND marriage advice.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
Getting a space heater will probably be a good idea, but I would wait for things to settle down and then bring it up as its own separate issue. If you just go out and buy one now that could come off as you not listening to her or trying to buy her off, depending on how you guys split money.
I'm not saying to buy a space heater so you can use that to say "Hey, you HAVE AN OFFICE, GO THERE!", i'm saying buy a spaceheater so the office wont be cold period. Make sure she knows that you did it because you ARE listening to her needs and you do care about her.
Yeah, I totally get your point .
What I'm saying is, the OP doesn't get to decide how she will interpret that gesture. If he waits and then comes back to it later, she's much more likely to agree with you and me and the OP that it's a really awesome thing to do.
The OP also hasn't mentioned the money situation, so I'm trying to be considerate of that since a lot of the good solutions would require money (i.e. another computer, space heater).
Posts
Surely if she is trying to study, the noise of him temporarily moving his entire desktop PC to another room would be far worse than the noise of him typing in the same room.
When we take the desktop to someone else's home for a lan, it takes us maybe 10 minutes, tops, total to move the entire thing. She then has the entire rest of the night out there in silence to study.
I am sure this argument of theirs took more time than simply moving his desktop computer would.
This whole process is made easier if you have wireless, which I assume they do because she has a laptop.
I'm going to focus on the "permission" side of things, because that's what I see as the real issue. In the scenario we have in front of us, she was studying in the living room when he arrived. He came in to the room and started making noise. Sure, he can use of the room as well, but it's not particularly considerate to--without so much as a word of apology or warning--set up doing something that annoys the person who was there before you.
I think that next time CasedOut finds himself in a situation like this, he should try asking for permission. A simple "Hey, I have to do some work on my computer. Do you mind?" won't cost him anything. If she gives him the go-ahead, problem solved. If she doesn't, then there are indeed deeper issues to be examined.
Don't ask permission for anything. It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Just move your computer to the other room and get a heater. Situation diffused. Her laptop can play movies just as well as your computer can. If it's a monitor thing, you can move a monitor from your pc to her laptop I would imagine.
She's definitely being unreasonable here, what does she expect you to do, sit quietly while she studies?
Perhaps it is time for you to find your own place
Lets be honest here, you and your girlfriend use the computer a lot, you spend a lot of time on the computer.
I mean she gave you the option for ask permission to make minimal noise in your own house, in your general living area, or sit in silence, bored out of your mind. This is unfair.
She has a choice go to the spare room appreciate the silence and be cold or be in the living room and have to put up with a minor amount of annoyance.
You ask for permission from your significant other when you do things out of the ordinary. This would be inviting friends over, or moving furniture, quietly entertaining yourself in the living area does not come under this.
Satans..... hints.....
Your choices are pretty much:
It sucks to have to do that last one, but sometimes it works.
Hey everyone, thanks for all of the input. This post here is pretty much the agreement we came to though.
She said if I come home and she is doing homework to just give her five minutes of silence to finish the problem she is on then she will go into the other room. I feel that is fair enough at this point. What do you guys think?
It's a compromise and she is at least giving you something but I wouldn't call it terribly fair.
What else can you do when you come home? I mean if there are plenty of things for you to do other than use that computer to do computer things or watch some telly on it then sure, but if there isn't it's still kinda unfair.
Satans..... hints.....
I mean it's typing on a keyboard while she is studying. If she can't handle that she sure as shit wont be able to handle anything when she gets a real job.
Satans..... hints.....
She was aggravated and over reacted, they reached a fair compromise that will hopefully help reduce drama in the home.
Sounds like a win to me.
Glad you two were able to sort this out, and that she specifically was able to tone down the irrational expectations.
So what is he supposed to do when he gets home? Can he shut the door normally? Or does he have to sneak into his own home, tip-toeing around not to annoy her?
Its not fair.
Yes, its a compromise, yes its better then what she was at before, but its still not remotely the reasonable choice. Has she discussed why she cant put on headphones/listen to music?
Honestly, Im still not convinced the issue was about the typing. Because seriously, if it is...she might be crazy.
She probably doesnt like that you get to relax/havefun/whatever while she has to study.
Im also confused by the 5-10 minute rule. Can you say hello? Can you give her a hug and a kiss and ask how her day was? Or do you have to walk in and sit in silence until the time is up and you are allowed to go about your business?
I do that all the time at work. If I'm in the middle of something, and someone stops by my desk, I have no qualms about letting them know that I just need a minute and then they'll have my undivided attention. The same often applies to doing things at home, or at school. This is not particularly unreasonable behavior. Her behavior the other day? Totally unreasonable.
Also, some keyboards are indeed loud. Especially if one is an aggressive typer.
Honestly, from the reaction before, it seems to me theres a solid risk of it leaning a bit to the former, on days where she might be cranky.
If you are in a position where you need to concentrate so badly that typing will distract you, put on some headphones or go in a non community room. Anything beyond that is extremely selfish and insenstive to others.
Plus, does the OP come home around the same time every day? If so, she should be prepared for him to come home and move in the other room if his noise is going to distract her.
It does seem ridiculous to me that she has an entire room all to herself but elects not to use it because it's not comfortable for her. The responsibility is kind of on her to make that space comfortable if she indeed wants to claim it as her own space. Otherwise she's just being a goose.
Fact is, whether you can get your head around her issue with typing noises or not, she finds it distracting. Problems rarely go away just because you think they shouldn't be problems. People tend not to cleave to solutions that amount to, "Suck it up, princess! This is my house!" Problems can, however, be adequately addressed if the people involved are willing to make small compromises. CasedOut can wait the five minutes to use the computer, no big deal. His girlfriend can uproot herself from the couch and move to the other room, no big deal.
all of this is WAY more distracting then typing.
So Im honestly curious as to what she expects him to do, noise wise, when he comes in. If shes not ok with typing, how is she ok with all of that?
If shes not ok with typing, how would she be ok with him actually adressing HER personally with a greeting?
No, a kiss on the cheek isnt the same as typing or gaming, but it is far more distracting in the moment, which according to her 5 minute rule, is a big deal. I mean if hes going to break her out of her concentration with a greeting, why couldnt she then (since shes no longer concentrating) move to a more quiet work space?
It just doesnt seem possible to me that typing is more distracting then all of those things. And thus, it seems less like its about being distracted and more about her not liking having to work while hes having fun near her.
However, I think the best solution would simply be him be warry of her while shes in the room and not go on forums or stuff that would require a ton of typing. Or if he does type, keep it down. That seems far better then "no computer for 5-10 minutes."
I'm married and have lived with my wife for 6 years now. What works for us isn't going to work for everyone. That doesn't matter though, because the important thing is that you find your own way to have this type of argument in a constructive way. Yes, this is a silly little thing. There will be PLENTY of silly little things that come up in the course of a long term relationship, and having a good way to deal with them as they come up really helps make sure those small things ("can you not type so loud") don't become big things ("OMG what an unreasonable jerk!").
First, try to keep in mind that this is someone you (ostensibly) care deeply about. They probably aren't doing this just to piss you off or make your life difficult. They might be stressed out, just not thinking clearly, or might be having a hard time being able to express what they really think. Be patient, and give them time to explain what it is that they think and why. Then repeat it back to them so they know you understand it the right way. This can take a while, but it's worth it. It shows a lot of respect and will help you find the root problem, which will make the whole situation that much easier to deal with.
Second, and I know this can seem strange but it's awesome for my wife and I, sit down BESIDE the person. Sometimes we use pencil and paper to write out what the problem is to focus on that. Why? because now you're on the SAME TEAM. When you're standing looking at each other and you jab your fingers out or make gestures that you're mad at the problem, it's really easy for the other person to interpret this as a personal attack. Sitting beside someone makes it easy to say "I understand that this issue came up, and that it's important to you. Lets find a way to make that issue go away together."
Finally, try to solve your problems using the idea of "A decisions and B decisions." Basically this means that there are some decisions that prevent you from trying other things, and some decisions that are really easy to try before you try something else. In this case, giving her 5 minutes is something that is easy to try, and so that would be an A decision. You permanently moving your computer would be a little bit harder, so that's a B decision. Unless you have a really good reason to want to do B right away, it doesn't really hurt you to try A first. Remember, this is something that is a minor issue. She's not getting gender reassignment surgery, she wants 5 minutes of quiet when she studies. You can try her solution first
(Yelling at your girlfriend and telling her to shut up would be a C decision, b/c then you definitley wouldn't get the opportunity to try A or B.)
Now, I'm not saying roll over and give her what she wants no matter what. There are things that she wanted in this case (like you not taking your computer to the other room no matter what) that are just unfair, in which case it should come out that that is a bad solution, because it doesn't work for everyone. But the main thing is that this problem is TEMPORARY, you will solve it together, and you will be on the same team. Don't lose focus on the big picture over little things.
TL/DR : The goal isn't to try to be "right", the goal is to identify the problem and solve it as a team.
lots of edits as I try and phrase things better.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
I shared a room once with some Polish guy. When I was trying to sleep, he would talk loudly on Skype, play music, and watch films. When he was sleeping, he wanted total silence.
I put up with this crap because I was planning on moving soon. But when he started bitching at me for "typing too loud" and "clicking too loud", that was my limit. My response to this "can you stop typing/clicking?" request was "No. Fuck off." He moved shortly thereafter. I moved shortly after that, as planned.
Total mental defective. Anyone who finds typing even remotely annoying has serious problems of a psychological nature. Tell her to fuck off and get her out of your apartment or move yourself.
OP, you've made a decent compromise and good job. Living with someone else is hard, no matter what the relationship is. There's going to be ups and downs, and you two seemed to have handled this pretty well.
HOWEVER, be careful man. Everything about your story was pretty fine except for how she "feels that you don't respect her".
That's not a thought she needs to have in the back of her head all day long. I know it's settled, but as for my .02, I feel like there's still more to that behind the scenes. You need to talk with her about it at some point.
Ahem. And I'd have probably brought mine out to type on if I was treated like the OP, but that's probably not the most mature way to handle the situation.
As fr the solution, I side somewhat with people saying its not fair. Yes, hr makes noise and is a distraction when coming home, but at least for me a sudden distraction is so much easier to recover from than a constant minor distraction. As well, a pleasent distraction is by far easier to go along with ad forgive, like a kiss on the cheek, than an unpleasent distraction. I do agree though that it seems unreasonable for her to have her own room more or less but refuse to use it. If she doesn't want to use it than you two should try to come to a compromise. Laptops work surprisingly well for watching movies. Is this something that has to be fixed now? Not at all, it is something I would say should just slowly be looked at and tweeked over time until you both feel that you have a good compromise, as I would say to do with most small problems. Keep small problems small.
The main problem I have is that you are asking permission to use some of yours and she has denied you permisson to do with it as you wish. Yes, you both use it but for what she uses it for you both can do with either her laptop or less than $300 for a tv and dvd player. If it is in your budget I would suggest that you bring that up as an option and then turn her computer room into a general computer room. I would think that would allow you both a little more freedom to do as you please. The obvious downside for both of you is that it may mean you spend more time apart in the apartment depending on how you both usually spend your time.
Listen to Dropping Loads. The only thing I would add is the importance of "I statements" when dealing with problems, "I feel that..." for example. Saying something like "I feel that having to ask you and then wait for you to use my computer isn't fair to me, and I know you like having it in here for watching movies in. Would you be willing to consider us getting a TV and dvd player so that I can move the computer to our spare room?" Maybe a tv as a christmas gift between you two to each other or something.
I would say that if you do want to go back and look at this again and try to use a different solution, wait until after this semester is over or sometime when she has a decent break from home and such if it involves any real changes around the apartment. She sounds very stressed with school and possibly life, I don't know, but giving in more on your compromises now, if you two can work out something more equal later when school is less of a stress inducer, will help you two I feel.
If he starts demanding that when she's home alone she never work in the living room because he may come home and want to immediately get on his computer without giving her time to move rooms then he's being an unreasonable. They've worked this out quite well, if she's in the living room when he gets in she just asks that he respects her space for 5 minutes so she can move and he can then have the living room to do whatever he wants. They're both getting what they want and it's an even compromise.
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
I'm not saying to buy a space heater so you can use that to say "Hey, you HAVE AN OFFICE, GO THERE!", i'm saying buy a spaceheater so the office wont be cold period. Make sure she knows that you did it because you ARE listening to her needs and you do care about her.
Yeah, I totally get your point
What I'm saying is, the OP doesn't get to decide how she will interpret that gesture. If he waits and then comes back to it later, she's much more likely to agree with you and me and the OP that it's a really awesome thing to do.
The OP also hasn't mentioned the money situation, so I'm trying to be considerate of that since a lot of the good solutions would require money (i.e. another computer, space heater).
3clipse: The key to any successful marriage is a good mid-game transition.
Good points on both issues.