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Social Entropy++: AWESOME POST in "Public Embarrassment", by joshofalltrades

SporkAndrewSporkAndrew Registered User, ClubPA regular
edited January 2011 in [2008-2012] Awesome Posts?
SporkAndrew has reported a post.

Reason:
To avoid being late for a class, Joshofalltrades had a hard decision to make.

To jump or not to jump.
Post: Public Embarrassment
Forum: Social Entropy++
Assigned Moderators: WhipstitchZombie, Larlar, Bogey, Knob, potatoe, Orikaeshigitae

Posted by: joshofalltrades
Original Content:
Well it was about 6 or 7 years ago, right after I got married. I was still in community college at the time.

My wife and I typically took one car in the mornings to save gas, since she worked at the veterinary office nearby. I would usually walk on over after classes, get lunch on the way home and she'd go back to work.

A bit of background on my first class of the day. Attendance was pretty much required, for two reasons. One: it counted for 30% of the grade, and missing a class guaranteed you would lose 5% of your final grade. Missing 7 classes meant an instant withdrawal from the course and a fail grade, but it was enough to know that if you missed 2 classes you would drop a letter grade. Two: if you had perfect attendance at the end of the semester, you received a 100% score on your final exam grade, which counted for something like 20% of your final grade. This is biology, by the way, and even though it was a community college course you didn't fuck around because it was a shitty hard class. Nobody wanted to miss a day of class because it meant you instantly received half of your possible points and it wouldn't matter so much that you got a D on all of your tests after using pretty much all of your free time for studying.

This professor locked the doors at precisely the time class began and would not open them up for you if you were a fraction of a second late. You missed the class and had no chance of being let in. No tardies. Yes my Bio professor was a bitch.

So on this particular morning, destiny was determined to make me leap over a little person.

During the night, we had a power failure. My alarm clock did not go off. I opened my eyes, looked at the alarm clock and noticed that the time was blinking 12:00. Blink. Blink. Blink. It took me about 4 or 5 seconds before it finally sank in that I had no fucking clue what time it was, and today was one of 3 test days that I could not afford to miss.

In essence, if I did not haul my ass to class in time to take this test, I would be forfeiting 10-20% of my final grade, in addition to being forced to take the final exam. Basically, I would have to work really hard to not fail this class. I think I'd gotten a B and a C on the other 2 tests, and the final was fucking comprehensive. The highest I would be able to make is a C, assuming I did everything perfectly from that point on.

I freaked out and leaped from the bed like a frog that had just been dropped onto a burning stove. After tearing around the room, throwing on some clothes haphazardly and grabbing my book bag, my wife and I got out to the car and I finally saw a clock that hadn't lost power. I had 20 minutes to make it to class, and we lived roughly 20 minutes away. At this point I'm wishing I drove a DeLorean with a flux capacitor.

So I put pedal to metal and make it to the school in record time, fortunately not encountering any peace officers on my way there. My car is parked at a slant in a fire zone while my wife walks over to take the wheel as I sprint for the front doors. I now have 3 or 4 minutes to make it inside the school, down the hallways and to the door before the lock goes *click* and I am fucking boned. It's a long run.

And of course, the hallways are fucking packed. I sprint through the gaps like I'm fucking dodging rain. I don't think I injured anybody but my heart is pounding and my palms are sweating and what, other people? Sorry I have to make it to the classroom. Finally I see a break in the sea of people, all I have to do is sprint through it, run around the column on the other side and it's a straight shot to the classroom. I have one minute left. I can fucking do this.

As I approach the column at full damn tilt, I'm dimly aware that a little person is stepping out from behind it. There are people on my left and right, and I can't stop in time to avoid barreling into her. My mind is racing. Time slows down. In that instant I have perfect clarity. I only have two options.

1) Try to stop, and wait for her to get out of the way. This will likely make me late to my class and might prove futile anyway, especially if I don't stop in time and knock this little person over.

My mind rejects this.

2) Leap the hell over her. I'm running fast enough. Maybe she won't notice. There's nobody on the other side of the little person, so I have a good chance of accomplishing this.

I jump.

As I sail over her head majestically, it hits me what I have done with full force. I have just propelled my body, 6'0" and 140 lbs., up and over a little person. What the fuck.

I slam onto the ground past her and keep running as fast as I can. I glance over my shoulder. The little woman's mouth is shaped like an "O", her eyes wide in disbelief. People are staring at her and at me. It occurs to me that I should apologize. "Sorry!" I yell as I keep running.

I made it to the test in time. I got a B in the class.

Oh and by the way, my clothes did not match. I had hastily thrown them on, and being colorblind didn't realize I looked like a drooling mongoloid had dressed himself in the dark. My wife laughed at me on the drive over. So I looked even more ridiculous bounding over her.

SporkAndrew on
The one about the fucking space hairdresser and the cowboy. He's got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin. His father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister. Lego. They're all made of fucking lego.
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Posts

  • RMS OceanicRMS Oceanic Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    You should option this as a scene in a movie.

    Not a movie in itself, just a scene that can be shoe-horned into any other movie.

    Your price will be 5 stars.

    ·
  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Josh. Wow.

    5 tiny, terrible stars.

    ·
  • joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades YOU get a hellbat! YOU get a hellbat! Everybody gets a hellbat!Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I heard the Achievement Unlocked sound after I did it, too, I think I forgot to mention that

    ElJeffe wrote: »
    Man, if I could get a 3D printer that could fabricate a vagina, I'd never leave the house again.
    ·
  • RikushixRikushix Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I'm surprised this hasn't happened in a movie with Matthew Broderick in it.

    StKbT.jpg
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  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Playing this in my mind with the Bionic Man noise

    tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh-tsh ...

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  • RMS OceanicRMS Oceanic Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    This movie would be even better if it wasn't about josh's character jumping over the little person.

    If it was a movie about the little person's life, and she just came out of class when a weirdo dressed in strange clothes jumped over her and ran away.

    And it's never mentioned in the movie again.

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  • LunkerLunker Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I heard the Achievement Unlocked sound after I did it, too, I think I forgot to mention that

    I was going to give it a four. This pushed it over the edge into five.

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  • simulacrumsimulacrum Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    5 leaping stars.

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  • RamiusRamius Joined: July 19, 2000 Administrator, ClubPA admin
    edited January 2011
    Rikushix wrote: »
    I'm surprised this hasn't happened in a movie with Matthew Broderick in it.

    Indeed, I think I had this music playing in my head the whole time I read the story:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7ySiWmvd5c

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  • Al_watAl_wat Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    i cant in good conscience give this less than 5 stars

    PSN: AWATTT66
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  • Mortal SkyMortal Sky queer punk hedge witchRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I have this image of a man in horribly mismatched clothes jumping over a rather shortish and probably adorable girl in bullettime. Which is exactly what I needed to start my day on.

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  • ScooterScooter Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    It's almost hard for me to get to the awesome over the hate I feel for teachers with grading plans like that

    Two dozen lives cannot all center around your little class

    :evil:

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  • RikushixRikushix Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Ramius wrote: »
    Rikushix wrote: »
    I'm surprised this hasn't happened in a movie with Matthew Broderick in it.

    Indeed, I think I had this music playing in my head the whole time I read the story:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7ySiWmvd5c

    Exactly.

    And then afterwards, when Josh aces the final:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG_6CopW9GQ

    StKbT.jpg
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  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    See? And you thought your platforming experience would never come in handy.
    Spoiler:

    daniant wrote:
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  • AdusAdus Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    This is the sole reason Josh is so good at Super Meat Boy.

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  • RoyceSraphimRoyceSraphim Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Scooter wrote: »
    It's almost hard for me to get to the awesome over the hate I feel for teachers with grading plans like that

    Two dozen lives cannot all center around your little class

    :evil:

    Yeah shitheads of teachers who lock the doors like that are stupid for just the very reason Josh posted. Power went out and his alarm didn't go off. Let alone, you know, creating dangerous situations on the road and shit because someone's rushing to class. Or the near death of a person being leaped over.

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  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Twinkle, twinkle, little dwarf,
    That Josh leapfrogged saying "orf!"
    Down below the world small,
    Like a baby as it crawls.
    Twinkle, twinkle, little one,
    Here's five stars for Josh's run.

    ddgamer3_zpsrbyqurmc.jpg
    ·
  • darleysamdarleysam Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Quite easily the best thing I will read for a long time.

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  • DietarySupplementDietarySupplement Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I would often read Josh's posts or watch his Let's Play videos of games like VVVVVV or IWTBTG, and wonder "what sort of person enjoys platformers this much?" How can one enjoy this so much?

    Well, now I know.

    Skull2185 wrote: »
    Basically, (PlayStation) Home is Second Life Ultra Light? Most of the cool stuff, none of the creepy blimp on blimp fucking.
    ·
  • EndEnd Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I would often read Josh's posts or watch his Let's Play videos of games like VVVVVV or IWTBTG, and wonder "what sort of person enjoys platformers this much?" How can one enjoy this so much?

    Well, now I know.

    haha :^:

    they alive dammit it's a miracle
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  • HenroidHenroid Nobody Nowhere fastRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Bonus star for Josh's colorblindness finding its way into the story.

    So that makes it 101 stars.

    "Ultima Online Pre-Trammel is the perfect example of why libertarians are full of shit."
    - @Ludious
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  • DyvionDyvion Glorious Okinawa, JapanRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    End wrote: »
    I would often read Josh's posts or watch his Let's Play videos of games like VVVVVV or IWTBTG, and wonder "what sort of person enjoys platformers this much?" How can one enjoy this so much?

    Well, now I know.

    haha :^:

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  • joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades YOU get a hellbat! YOU get a hellbat! Everybody gets a hellbat!Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    By the way, this all happened at Quad C in Plano, TX (now known as Collin College, I believe). I haven't been there in years but if you enter the main door in the center of the school, head up to the reception desk and make a left, you'll see the columns lining the hallway that I talk about in this story. The little person I jumped over was actually an employee of the school, and so it's theoretically possible that she still works there. If so, and you see her, please tell her I am sorry and that I am too poor to pay for her therapy bills.

    ElJeffe wrote: »
    Man, if I could get a 3D printer that could fabricate a vagina, I'd never leave the house again.
    ·
  • ArtreusArtreus I'm a wizard And that looks fucked upRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    This was awesome aside from the end with the word "mongoloid"

    http://atlanticus.tumblr.com/ PSN: Atlanticus 3DS: 1590-4692-3954 Steam: Artreus
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  • NerdtendoNerdtendo Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Sorry Joshofalltrades, but the test is in another classroom.

    IHZR47b.png
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  • DiorinixDiorinix Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Rikushix wrote: »
    I'm surprised this hasn't happened in a movie with Matthew Broderick in it.

    I totally thought of Ferris Bueller while I read this.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Mmmmm....toasty.
    ·
  • FeyadorFeyador Registered User
    edited January 2011
    I heard Chariots of Fire hahahah

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  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Nerdtendo wrote: »
    Sorry Joshofalltrades, but the test is in another classroom.

    Was waiting for the "it's Saturday!" reveal.

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  • ichliebeichliebe __BANNED USERS
    edited January 2011
    You are a kind man..

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  • Centipede DamascusCentipede Damascus Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Artreus wrote: »
    This was awesome aside from the end with the word "mongoloid"

    he should have said "tulip"

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  • T4CTT4CT BAFTA-NOMINATED NAFTA-APPROVEDRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    please start leaping over little people all the time

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