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Tell Me Your Favorite Jokes To Tell To Other People
TychoCelchuuu
PIGEONRegistered User regular
PIGEONRegistered User regular
tl;dr of the below: post jokes plz.
So, I'm a pretty funny person (I brag about this because it is my only redeeming quality). When I was a kid I had some jokes that I liked, and I would tell them, and people would laugh. As I matured I moved past the "tell jokes" stage of being funny and now I'm at the "make off the cuff remarks" point in being funny.
Yesterday I was thinking about this and I realized that I sort of miss having funny jokes to tell. I tried Googling for some good ones but Googling for good jokes is like Googling for pictures of naked celebrities because you want to see a birthmark: you'll end up with plenty of pictures of naked celebrities but they're not exactly going to be what you're looking for. And all the websites will look like they were designed by someone who wishes Geocities and Angelfire were still around.
So anyways, tell me your favorite jokes! I'm sure you people know some good ones. Criteria:
1. They have to be jokes that are funny when you tell them, not jokes that are funny when read or something like that. It's fine if they're not very funny when written down.
2. I'd prefer if they weren't racist or sexist or whatever, not because I mind (I'm a card carrying member of the KKK!*) but because some people get pissed off when you joke about certain things and the point of a joke is to make people laugh, not make them mad at me. If I wanted people mad at me I'd just slap them.
3. Unless it's a fantastic joke, I'd like to stay away from the shaggy dog or long-delayed punchline sort of thing. I'm just not a huge fan. Example: someone throws a brick in the air or throws cheese into the water and then there's no punchline, then 5 minutes later you tell another story and a brick falls onto someone or a guy catches cheese when he goes fishing. I don't have a problem with long jokes (see my third example below) but jokes that rely on their length alone to be funny are typically trying to be funny by disappointing the expectations that everyone had built up, and when the punchline's premise is "laugh because you thought this was going to be funnier," I think that's dumb.
It is better to give than to receive, and I should probably give some examples of the few jokes that I do remember and enjoy, so here are my three favorite jokes to tell. The middle one is a little odd but I love it dearly.
So, yeah. Jokes like the above ones I will probably enjoy, jokes unlike the above ones that are also funny I will probably enjoy. Hit me with your best! We'll all end up funnier.
*I'm not in the KKK. (I'm a neo-Nazi)**
**I'm not a neo-Nazi.
So, I'm a pretty funny person (I brag about this because it is my only redeeming quality). When I was a kid I had some jokes that I liked, and I would tell them, and people would laugh. As I matured I moved past the "tell jokes" stage of being funny and now I'm at the "make off the cuff remarks" point in being funny.
Yesterday I was thinking about this and I realized that I sort of miss having funny jokes to tell. I tried Googling for some good ones but Googling for good jokes is like Googling for pictures of naked celebrities because you want to see a birthmark: you'll end up with plenty of pictures of naked celebrities but they're not exactly going to be what you're looking for. And all the websites will look like they were designed by someone who wishes Geocities and Angelfire were still around.
So anyways, tell me your favorite jokes! I'm sure you people know some good ones. Criteria:
1. They have to be jokes that are funny when you tell them, not jokes that are funny when read or something like that. It's fine if they're not very funny when written down.
2. I'd prefer if they weren't racist or sexist or whatever, not because I mind (I'm a card carrying member of the KKK!*) but because some people get pissed off when you joke about certain things and the point of a joke is to make people laugh, not make them mad at me. If I wanted people mad at me I'd just slap them.
3. Unless it's a fantastic joke, I'd like to stay away from the shaggy dog or long-delayed punchline sort of thing. I'm just not a huge fan. Example: someone throws a brick in the air or throws cheese into the water and then there's no punchline, then 5 minutes later you tell another story and a brick falls onto someone or a guy catches cheese when he goes fishing. I don't have a problem with long jokes (see my third example below) but jokes that rely on their length alone to be funny are typically trying to be funny by disappointing the expectations that everyone had built up, and when the punchline's premise is "laugh because you thought this was going to be funnier," I think that's dumb.
It is better to give than to receive, and I should probably give some examples of the few jokes that I do remember and enjoy, so here are my three favorite jokes to tell. The middle one is a little odd but I love it dearly.
Say to someone "ask me what my job is, then ask me what the hardest part is." When they say "what's your job?" you say "I'm a stand up comedian" and when they start to ask what the hardest part is, cut them off almost immediately by saying "timing."
Say the following somewhat quickly for enhanced comedic effect:
"There is a bear and a bee and a dog in a bar, and the dog goes up to the bee and the dog says 'Hey bee, why are you so stripey?' and the bee says 'Go ask bear' so the dog goes over to the bear and the dog says 'Hey bear, why is bee so stripey?' and the bear says 'GRAAAGH.'"
It helps to make a bear face/raise your hands like a bear's claws when you say "GRAAAGH."
"There is a bear and a bee and a dog in a bar, and the dog goes up to the bee and the dog says 'Hey bee, why are you so stripey?' and the bee says 'Go ask bear' so the dog goes over to the bear and the dog says 'Hey bear, why is bee so stripey?' and the bear says 'GRAAAGH.'"
It helps to make a bear face/raise your hands like a bear's claws when you say "GRAAAGH."
This one's a little long and some people don't find it funny but it's one of my favorites so I tell it anyways, because the risk/reward is good enough in my eyes. If only a few people laugh then hey, more power to them:
"A guy is walking along the beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice that says "Dig. He looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he keeps on walking. Then he hears the voice again: "I said DIG." So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a little while, he finds a small box. Inside is a briefcase with $10,000 and a set of car keys. The voice says "Car" and the guy notices a car a little ways up along the beach. The keys open it, so he gets in and hears "Drive" and he starts driving. Then he hears "Casino" and he notices some signs for a casino, so he follows them, parks at the casino, and goes inside. When he gets inside the voice says "Chips" and he looks around and notices that nobody else seems to hear the voice. He gets $10,000 in chips and the voice says "Roulette." He goes over to the roulette wheel and the voice says "27." He's about to bet $1,000 on 27 but then the voice says "All of it" so he puts $10,000 on 27, to everyone's amazement. The wheel spins around and around and then the roulette guy calls out "26!" and the voice goes "Shit."
"A guy is walking along the beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice that says "Dig. He looks around and doesn't see anyone, so he keeps on walking. Then he hears the voice again: "I said DIG." So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a little while, he finds a small box. Inside is a briefcase with $10,000 and a set of car keys. The voice says "Car" and the guy notices a car a little ways up along the beach. The keys open it, so he gets in and hears "Drive" and he starts driving. Then he hears "Casino" and he notices some signs for a casino, so he follows them, parks at the casino, and goes inside. When he gets inside the voice says "Chips" and he looks around and notices that nobody else seems to hear the voice. He gets $10,000 in chips and the voice says "Roulette." He goes over to the roulette wheel and the voice says "27." He's about to bet $1,000 on 27 but then the voice says "All of it" so he puts $10,000 on 27, to everyone's amazement. The wheel spins around and around and then the roulette guy calls out "26!" and the voice goes "Shit."
So, yeah. Jokes like the above ones I will probably enjoy, jokes unlike the above ones that are also funny I will probably enjoy. Hit me with your best! We'll all end up funnier.
*I'm not in the KKK. (I'm a neo-Nazi)**
**I'm not a neo-Nazi.
TychoCelchuuu on
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What is 5 + 5, tin or ten?
What comes before 11, tin or ten?
What is an aluminum can made out of, tin or ten? (aluminum obviously is the answer, but almost everyone will say tin and look like a silly goose and then have a good laugh at their goose-ness)
You can pretty much use any number combination you want, as long as the answer is 10. It's fun.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Rrrrrrr
Where does a pirate go to drink? A barrrrrr
What does a pirate ride in?
Electronic composer for hire.
The bartender says "sure, no problem. But I have to ask, why the big pause?"
The polar bear says "I was born with them!" (Hold up your hands like they are big floppy paws)
The bartenders says "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
The pony says ".............." (more raspy noises)
The bartender says "sorry, I'm having a really hard time understanding you...do you need a drink of water or something?"
The pony says "(ahem)[clear your throat] "No, I'm just a little hoarse" (horse)
I got a million like this, I'll be back later to see if any of my favorites have been left out.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow!
The more outrageous the pirate voice the better.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this?"
Only if they're both!
(When they ask you, crane your neck wide from side to side like you're looking out to make sure no one's around)
He notices a huge jar just overflowing with money. And we're not talking a few dollar bills hanging out here and there like a stripper's thong.
The man asks the bartender, "hey, what's that jar for?"
The bartender looks at him, with the solemnest face, and says, "I gotta horse out back. First person to make the horse laugh gets it. If you don't, you pay in."
The man, intrigued, gets the bartender to show him the horse, and walks away.
A few minutes later, the bartender can barely believe his ears. The horse is laughing.
The guy walks up front and takes all the money from the jar and leaves.
A long time passes, like a year or something, and the man happens to enter the bar again.
He has a seat at the bar, and sees another jar, overflowing with tons of money.
The man again asks the bartender what the jar is for.
The bartender answers, "I got that horse out back. First person to make him cry gets all the money. If you can't get him to laugh, you pay in."
The man again takes the bartender up on his challenge, and is taken back to the horse.
A few minutes later, when the bartender is up front, he hears his horse crying.
The man walks up and starts collecting his money.
The bartender, curious again as not only this man been the only person to get the horse to laugh, but he's also been the only person to get the horse to cry.
He asks the man, "Before you go, I gotta know what you did to get my horse to laugh. You're the only person who's ever been able to get him to do that in all my years of having him."
The man plainly answers, "well, first I told him that my dick was bigger than his."
The bartender, still curious, asks him what he did to get the horse to cry, as no one had ever been able to do that.
The man, again, plainly answers, "well, second time I showed it to him."
You can roll your eyes now.
Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape?
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They sit down, he and the giraffe have a few drinks, the giraffe passes out. The man gets up to go, and the bartender says, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns and goes, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
It's shit but I like it for some reason.
How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb?
How does Lady Gaga like her steak? Raw raw rawrawraw (To the tune of Bad Romance)
What does a vegetarian zombie want? GRRRAAAAAINNNNSSS
What's red and smells like blue paint?
If they don't like it, I probably don't want to associate with them anyways. It's a joke, dammit, not a personal hobby. Anyways;
"A baby seal walks into a club ..."
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8
This was the first video I remember watching on Youtube. For a good reason.
The third one ducked.
Yeah, it's a bad joke, but it normally gets a smile at the least.
Hey, I accept pity smiles. Don't judge me.
Hands down this is my favourite joke of all time
Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
You know...
- You know who?
That's right! Avada Kedavra!
There's too many cheetahs.
There's a poof of magic, and suddenly Juan is mayor.
One year later, Juan is walking to work at the mayor's office, listening to music with his headphones and carrying his briefcase, when a little man suddenly appears out of nowhere. The little man says to him, "Juan! You're a good worker, good husband, good father to your kids, you don't beat the aardvark in the back yard... I'm going to make you governor!"
There's a poof of magic, and suddenly Juan is governor.
One year later, Juan is walking to work at the governor's office, listening to music with his headphones and carrying his briefcase, when a little man suddenly appears out of nowhere. The little man says to him, "Juan! You're a good worker, good husband, good father to your kids, you don't beat the aardvark in the back yard... I'm going to make you president!"
There's a poof of magic, and suddenly Juan is president.
One year later, Juan is walking to work at the White House, listening to music with his headphones and carrying his briefcase, when a little man suddenly appears out of nowhere. The little man says to him, "Juan! You're a good worker, good husband, good father to your kids, you don't beat the aardvark in the back yard... I'm going to make you ruler of Earth!"
There's a poof of magic, and suddenly Juan is the ruler of the entire planet.
One year later, Juan has decided to finally take advantage of his good fortune. Instead of walking to work, he now rides in a huge stretch Hummer, with a massive sound system instead of his headphones, and has a team of supermodels that carry around his paperwork for him. Suddenly, the little man appears out of nowhere, pulls out his golf gun, and shoots Juan dead.
You go, "Yeah, his golf gun."
They ask, "What's a golf gun?"
You respond, "I don't know, but it sure put a hole in Juan!"
When he gets back home, everyone wants to know how it was.
"Are the Americans really as rude as people say they are?" asks his friend Pablo.
"No," he says. "I thought they were going to be, but I was really surprised. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked, 'Jose, can you see?' "
---
[I'm doing this one from memory, but if you Google for the old D&D bad joke thread, you should be able to find it.]
There's two bassists in the Boston Symphony Orchestra who love the Red Sox. The Sox are playing the Yankees in the playoffs, and they really want to go, but it's the same night as the big concert (Beethoven's Ninth).
"Alright," says one of them, "here's what we'll do. We only have parts at the beginning and end. We can buy tickets, leave after our parts are done, and then make sure to get back before the end."
"Well, what if we don't make it back in time?" says the other one.
"Don't worry," the first guy says. "I've got a plan."
So, the night of the concert, they play their parts, and then get up and quietly leave. They make their way to Fenway where they have a grand old time, watching the game with plenty of beers from the concession stand.
Finally, they leave, and head back to the concert hall. As they arrive, three sheets to the wind, they start making a huge ruckus trying to get back to their seats in the pit. As that's happening, the other musicians discover that the bassists took all the copies of the score the night before and tied the last few pages together with little pieces of string, in order to buy themselves some time later.
An old lady, along with many other members of the audience, is disgusted and gets up to leave. As she's coming out, she runs into the manager, who's come to investigate the commotion.
"What's going on?" he asks.
"It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded!"
What type of cheese is made backwards?
What cheese can you use to hide a horse?
What cheese isn't yours?
What cheese do you use to entice a bear?
you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning.’”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness
of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God,
“Get your own dirt.”
"Ooooh, you've got lovely soft hands"
He stops for a moment, and looks around. Nobody's talking to him. So he has some more peanuts. He hears the voices again. He looks down... the peanuts are talking to him.
Slighty rattled, he leaves the bar and walks over to the fruit machine. As he gets close, it flashes menacingly and barks "Piss off!" at him. He reaches into his pocket for change, and it flashes again, shakes slightly on the spot, and growls "If you so much as take a step closer, mate, you'll end up outside on your ear."
The man steps away, slowly, and heads back to the bar, asking the landlord exactly what the hell is happening here.
"Oh, that. Yeah. The fruit machine's out of order, but the peanuts are complimentary."
"Wow," says the bartender as the man finishes the last shot. "I can't remember the last time I saw someone drink like that. You celebrating something?"
"You could say that," says the man.
"What's the occasion?"
"My first blow job."
The bartender grins and pour another glass. "Hell, man, congratulations! Have an eighth shot on the house."
"No, thanks," says the man. "If seven shots of whiskey won't get this taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
###
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "GIMME A BEER!"
The bartender calmly explains, "We don't serve bears in here." So the bear gets really angry and tears through the place, finally mauling the craggy face off a tarted-up middle aged woman who was smoking and drinking by herself at the other end of the bar. Hoping his display has intimidated the bartender, he swaggers back up to him and roars, "GIMME A BEER!"
The bartender calmly explains, "We don't serve drug addicts in here."
"I'm not a drug addict! I'm a bear!"
"Maybe you are," says the bartender, "but that was the bar bitch you ate."
Who's there?
Owls.
Owls who?
Exactly!
Who's there,
Stinkeep
Stinkeep who?
This one's a bit of a grammar nazi joke...
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
To
"To who?"
What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
What do you call a Greek sky-diver?
Okay, these ones are a little more morbid or inappropriate.
Because she's a woman!
So Hitler is in a meeting with his advisors when he announces "I want 50,000 Jews killed and one Austrian!" One of his advisors pipes up "Excuse me mein fuhrer, but I must ask, why the Austrian?" Hitler replies "See? No one ever asks about the Jews."
What did the boy with no arms and legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't ejaculate on my apples before I eat them.
I think I aught stop there before I post something that'll get me the ban hammer.
A man and his wife are laying in bed, and the wife says "If I died, would you ever get remarried?" The husband says "Well, after a while, yes. I think I would."
The wife, a little upset, says "Would you live with her in our house?" The husband says "I don't see why not."
The wife'a pissed now, and says "would you sleep with her in MY bed?" The husband says says "well, I guess."
The wife asks "would you let her use my golf clubs?" The husband says "no, of course not."
The wife asks "why not?" The husband says
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender says "What'll ya have?" The bear kills the bartender and everyone else inside the bar. Because it's a bear.
What kind of sound does a fruit fly make?
Also, this is one of my favorite videos. Lends itself to quoting quite well, I think:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DFTmBrMYPw
My favorite isn't funny at all, but it is still a favorite :
A duck walks into a restaurant and has a seat at a table. The waiter walks up and says "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve ducks."
The duck replies: "That's ok, I wanted the chicken."
The dinner is going great, the food is good, he praises his girlfriend's mother for her cooking ability, everything is fantastic, but he just can't relax. He's nervous as hell. He's so nervous, in fact, that his gut starts rumbling from the stress, and he just knows he's going to fart in front of everyone.
Now, luckily, his girlfriend's family has this enormous wheezing fat old dog named Bowser, who had flopped down underneath the table before dinner. So, the young guy thinks "OK, maybe if I'm really quiet about it, they'll just assume the dog farted." So he wiggles in his chair a little, lets one out, then a few seconds later his girlfriend's father lifts his head, sniffs the air, and says "Bowser!"
The dog under the table makes this grunty whining sound, and the young guy thinks to himself "Oh, thank God, I got away with it." A few minutes later, when he realizes he needs to fart again, he knows exactly what to do: he squeezes it out as quiet as he can, then sure enough, a few seconds later his girlfriend's father sniffs, scowls, and barks out "Bowser!"
The dog grumbles a little, and the young guy continues making small talk with his girlfriend and her mother, convinced that nobody suspects a thing. So, when he feels another one coming on, he leans over to grab the salt, and does a left cheek sneak. A few seconds later, the father smells it, but this time, he stands up, slams his hand down on the table, and yells "BOWSER, GET OUT FROM UNDER THERE BEFORE THE DAMN FOOL SHITS ON YOU!"