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The Edward System - a short story about a vampire pick-up artist who eats Twihards

This is a short story about a vampire who feeds off teenage Twilight fans and gets in over his head when he picks a real nutbar of a girl for his latest victim. I suppose you could say this is my own "official" reaction to the Twilight series.
The Edward System
Spoiler:
Spoiler:

Laughin Jude on
Laughin Jude.com - Philosophy, snark, weird stories and bad art

The Plain and Honest Truth - An online serial novel about 9/11, the Iraq War, aliens, the origins of Western religion and an evil sock puppet from another dimension

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  • Laughin JudeLaughin Jude Registered User
    Hello, character limit per post! Continuing...
    Spoiler:
    Spoiler:

    Laughin Jude.com - Philosophy, snark, weird stories and bad art

    The Plain and Honest Truth - An online serial novel about 9/11, the Iraq War, aliens, the origins of Western religion and an evil sock puppet from another dimension
  • Laughin JudeLaughin Jude Registered User
    Spoiler:

    Laughin Jude.com - Philosophy, snark, weird stories and bad art

    The Plain and Honest Truth - An online serial novel about 9/11, the Iraq War, aliens, the origins of Western religion and an evil sock puppet from another dimension
  • Cargo CultureCargo Culture Registered User
    Very nice. Very nice indeed.

    [SIGPIC]I did warn you not to trust me.[/SIGPIC]
  • MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    The only problem I had with it at all was that the dialogue was verrrrrry matter-of-fact. The rest of the prose is hilarious and well written, but when the characters speak, it's not very natural.

    Plus what're the odds that a 17 year old would have been a candystriper.

    EDIT: And I wasn't a huge fan of the ending. It could have ended with part IV, I think, with no real harm to the story, and the real ending feels kind of rushed and over in 2 paragraphs.

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


    My new novel:

    Maledictions: The Offering.

    Now in Paperback!
  • Cargo CultureCargo Culture Registered User
    The only problem I had with it at all was that the dialogue was verrrrrry matter-of-fact. The rest of the prose is hilarious and well written, but when the characters speak, it's not very natural.

    Pretty much my thoughts too, now that I re-read it.
    Plus what're the odds that a 17 year old would have been a candystriper.

    My wife was at that age (10 years ago). We still give her crap about it.
    EDIT: And I wasn't a huge fan of the ending. It could have ended with part IV, I think, with no real harm to the story, and the real ending feels kind of rushed and over in 2 paragraphs.

    It's still a rock-solid story ending with Part IV. It leaves us thinking that Trent is just going to move on to the next school, repeat ad nauseam. (I personally think it's a much, much stronger ending with Part IV than Part V.)

    You could easily leave Part V for a follow-up story, which would allow you to expand on the connection between a vampire and their maker.

    [SIGPIC]I did warn you not to trust me.[/SIGPIC]
  • Laughin JudeLaughin Jude Registered User
    Sounds like the dialogue still needs another edit then. Good to know.

    Part V's kind of odd because I was debating whether to end it with Part IV and leave it open or take it to the logical conclusion and write a Part VI where Trent confronts Noelle. I've been kind of messing with the latter option for the last few days... don't know how it'll pan out.

    But thanks for the feedback.

    Laughin Jude.com - Philosophy, snark, weird stories and bad art

    The Plain and Honest Truth - An online serial novel about 9/11, the Iraq War, aliens, the origins of Western religion and an evil sock puppet from another dimension
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