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Condoms are Killing My Love Life

GorkGork Registered User regular
edited July 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
So this is a fun thread.

I've started seeing a new girl. I really, really like her. Problem is, when we try and have sex with a condom, my penis dies. She has now put an ultimatum on what's going on between us. If I can't pull it off with a condom, it's over because there is no barebacking until we're exclusive. Seeing as we're adults, that's months away, and she ain't going to stick around.

Up until the attempt to put a condom on, rock hard. Dry humping, rock hard. Naked humping, rock hard. Oral sex from her, rock hard. But as soon as the condom enters the equation, it just dies. Every time we've attempted sex, I have had at least four drinks and it has been fairly late at night.

Some background is necessary. I'm 28 and in very good shape. I work out 4-5 times a week. For the past five or so years, I've been somewhat of a "player". Unfortunately, I haven't had a lot of times where I've been forced to use a condom, which may be part of the problem. I am clean in terms of STDs, though. The alcohol and time of night may also not be helping. But then again, it doesn't seem to be a problem until the condom shows up.

As far as past sexual history, while condoms aren't my norm, problems maintaining erections are fairly unusual.

So, I would like to fix this. Part of me says I should tell this girl to go fuck herself for making so much dependent on sex. The other part wants to make this work because I don't meet many people I like this much.

So.

Help?

Gork on
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Posts

  • ED!ED! Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    You're mentally willing yourself into this state; really that is all that is going on. Simply say "To be honest a lot of my sexual history has been. . ." and bring up the not a whole lotta condom action because of exclusivity with females.

    Physically, if you are erect and blood is flowing to your penis, there's no way slapping the condom on should all of a sudden zap you - it may FEEL as if you're losing your erection, but rest assured there's blood there and once you get over that initial hump (no pun intended) there's fuel left in the tank (pun intended).

    "Get the hell out of me" - [ex]girlfriend
  • HachfaceHachface Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    The condom might be too tight. Find a different size.

  • SyrdonSyrdon Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Alternately, there's the technology assisted route. It involves fewer questions and may be faster than the mental route (both of which may actually be bad things in the long run), and it has higher risks (no, really, there's an entire section of risks in the link I'm about to post. read it. it can be very unpleasant if you do something beyond the suggested directions). Oh, also, its non-trivial to discuss this without potentially running over the NSFW line, and any pictures will be (link has pictures, some of them aren't safe for sanity).

    So, I think I've adequately prefaced this enough: here you go [NSFW, goes to wikipedia].

  • tardcoretardcore Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
  • SyrdonSyrdon Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Just remember the 30 minute or any trace of numbness (whichever comes first) limit. Really, there are lots of things you don't want to injure, but I think that's near the top of the list.

  • tardcoretardcore Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Yeah, leave it on for as long as you think you need it up to the 30 minutes or numbness. Try not to rely on it all the time. Use it to help build your confidence back.

  • Aurora BorealisAurora Borealis Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    My boy and I tried eight- eight! different brands of condom until we found one we both liked. That fit him properly but didn't rub me raw. We finally found a winner, use them every time, now life is awesome.

    We also used a ring when we first started dating, in hindsight I suspect it was because he'd been out of the game for awhile and was nervous. Sneaky boy! Now that we've found our winner condom and know each other's bodies better, the ring's gone in the "oh, I forgot we had that, wanna mix it up a little tonight?" kit.

    Also, why are guys so afraid to say "Hey I don't normally have trouble with my penis, I think he's getting spooked because I really like you and that makes me more nervous than usual during sexytimes?" This is a common problem and a little honesty might help you both get over it.

    Definitely try having sexytimes at different times of day and without the alcohol.

    I'm told that regularly masturbating with a condom on can help, if you wanna get all pavlovian about it. But I don't have a penis myself so I don't really know if that works the way I think it does or how long it would take.

    I do know that my first boyfriend, bless his flea-bitten little soul, used a condom every time with me and now even hearing the crinkle of the wrapper can get me all hot and bothered. If using a condom is a regular part of your routine, it really can enhance the experience rather than detract from it.

    It may seem as if she's being a little harsh with her ultimatum, but I know exactly where she's coming from. Boys who complain about condoms are whiny geese and not worth seeing again. And if you're the kind of girl that likes her some penetrative sex there really is no substitute.

    If I can get on a soapbox a minute, you should never have needed to be "forced" to wear a condom. She shouldn't even have to ask. Condoms should be the default. New girl, non-exclusive, condoms. For your own safety and for hers.
    The single most annoying thing about being single was the fact that American men seem to assume that if the girl doesn't bring the subject up beforehand (because it's never awkward ever to say "hey you're gonna wear a condom tonight, right?") then surely it must be okay to stick your dick inside her ungloved. Even after she says she's not on any kind of BC. Ugh.

    Buuut in your case I guess it's too late for that lecture so I will stop.

    If this pretty lady likes you at all and is a decent person, she'll be happy to experiment a little and bear with you to solve this problem. Good luck!

    TheRoadVirus
  • BeckBeck Registered User
    edited July 2011
    I would ask her if she's down with the shot.

    Besides that, ever just...Tried getting used to the condom by yourself? Definitely try other condoms, but don't wait until it's coming down to sex to put the condom on for the first time. I definitely had to get used to using them again a while back, and yeah, they do kind of suck. But you get used to it.

    Lucas's Franklin Badge reflected the lightning back!
  • BloodfartBloodfart Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    I used to uncomfortable with condoms because it feels less intense inside.

    Then i got a different pleasure from the increased time pounding plus getting to come inside. Now i enjoy that particular thrill and condoms are no more an issue.

    However i'm married and tend to go in bare for a while then switch to a condom to finish.

  • Aoi TsukiAoi Tsuki Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Gork wrote: »
    She has now put an ultimatum on what's going on between us. If I can't pull it off with a condom, it's over because there is no barebacking until we're exclusive. Seeing as we're adults, that's months away, and she ain't going to stick around.

    I can understand her frustration with safe-sexytiems not working, but this is a shitty thing to do to a new squeeze--insisting on safe sex is perfectly reasonable, but refusing to stay with someone unless they fix a mental block like this Right Now? There's being psyched out because you're nervous and want to please a lady, and there's being psyched out because you know that you must please a lady this particular way, or get dumped. I mean, unless you get really sloppy and/or creative, oral and handjobs are pretty safe. (Yes, yes, herpes is an oral thing, but it sounds like they've being doing that condomless already.)

    By all means, try all the solutions suggested here (Durex is a fantastic brand, especially the pink-packaged ones :winky:), but if your little dude remains uncooperative, and she dumps you, let the "go fuck herself for making so much dependent on sex" part of your brain take over, and move on.

    Some people already have said stupid things, but I'm ignoring them because I just found a potato in my fridge that looks like it's smiling.
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Yea, I honestly would be more worried about how she reacted to this whole thing than your own issue, which while annoying and embarrassing, is not exactly rare.

    Spoiler:
  • HevachHevach Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    My boy and I tried eight- eight! different brands of condom until we found one we both liked. That fit him properly but didn't rub me raw. We finally found a winner, use them every time, now life is awesome.

    I did this with my wife, too, though we didn't stop at eight. Most gas stations sell single condoms. They're a bit expensive compared to a box, but if there's a good chance you'll quit after one it's a better deal anyway. Grab one of everything, ignore the absolutely ridiculous looks you're going to get at checkout, and if you're worried about being remembered as "condom guy," never go to that gas station again.

    I'm actually tempted to think you're using one that's too small. Trojans are smaller than any other brand I've tried. I remember a few months ago in a condom thread somebody suggested it was a marketing thing to make guys feel better about not using magnums. Even when they're the same, they don't always stretch as well. I've found Durex just tight enough to be uncomfortable, but Lifestyles are fine.

  • Rear Admiral ChocoRear Admiral Choco Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Try to get used to wearing a condom. Everything Aurora Borealis said is pretty much 100%, just try wearing them and getting used to them outside of sex before the deed. Try not to hit the liquor as hard, as that may be affecting things as well.

    Durex is a great brand as far as your general supermarket/drugstore condoms go. Some condoms seem to have a kind of hard plastic-y feel to them that I hate (Don't remember if it was Trojan or Lifestyles), but the Durex ones just don't, really. I've heard good things about other brands like Kimono but I wouldn't be able to really tell you anything from personal experience. I'm sure it's worth looking into, though.

    As for her "pull it off with a condom or we're off" ultimatum, did anyone else read that as "DON'T try to bareback or it's off" or just as no sex = no relationship? The former actually seems very reasonable to me, whereas the latter is a little shitty but not beyond understanding.

    Still, it may be an issue if you just stop right then when you go soft. Do you give her oral or anything to get her off after an attempt? If you haven't been, try doing that.

    CDIOl.png
  • GorkGork Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    I've gotten her off orally and with hands, at least according to her.

    She is on the pill.

    I think trying different brands may be a good idea. I've only ever bought trojans and they do seem a little tight. Burning through my remaining trojans by masturbating in them.

    And she is aware the issue is condoms (or my brain). She's pretty frustrated by it.

  • jkylefultonjkylefulton Cap's Kooky Quartet Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Alternatively, you could look at this experience as a preview of the future of the relationship - she issues an ultimatum, and if you don't comply, she leaves. You might really, really like her, but maybe she's not that into you?

    2qt8f2t.jpg
  • flowerhoneyflowerhoney Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Even if she's on the pill, its nice to know a second birth control option is there to fully protect both parties since BC can fail. Also, condoms are one of the few birth controls that protect against STDs, which is important with new partners! (especially since it sounds like you two aren't even exclusive yet).

    You could try female condoms, they're a little more expensive, but they go inside of her instead of on you so that might be more comfortable

  • MushroomStickMushroomStick Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Gork wrote: »
    I've gotten her off orally and with hands, at least according to her.

    She is on the pill.

    I think trying different brands may be a good idea. I've only ever bought trojans and they do seem a little tight. Burning through my remaining trojans by masturbating in them.

    And she is aware the issue is condoms (or my brain). She's pretty frustrated by it.

    Stop masturbating for a while and you'll get off easier.

  • Rear Admiral ChocoRear Admiral Choco Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    The fact that she's on the pill is irrelevant save for the fact that it is an additional method of protection.

    Just try to get used to the condoms and forget about the fact that she's on the pill. It may make you feel like it's not entirely necessary if you dwell on it, when really you should be using them each time anyway.

    CDIOl.png
  • JebusUDJebusUD Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Gork wrote: »
    I've gotten her off orally and with hands, at least according to her.

    She is on the pill.

    I think trying different brands may be a good idea. I've only ever bought trojans and they do seem a little tight. Burning through my remaining trojans by masturbating in them.

    And she is aware the issue is condoms (or my brain). She's pretty frustrated by it.

    dood, those trojan ecstasy ones are bigger, try those. Only 10 to a box and about 7 bucks, but eh, they don't feel like they are trying to choke your Johnson to death.

    You haven't given me a reason to steer clear of you!
  • Mes3Mes3 Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    One of the best tips for making a condom more comfortable is either putting some lube in the tip or lubing yourself before putting it on. Makes a world of difference. Seriously.

    Also, try thin condoms that are made in Japan (most of the major brands are, I think. They used to not be.) Though you might find em a bit too tight (as I do), but I like it. Haha.

    http://rjnewman.blogspot.com/ | Follow me on instagram @ messiah3x
  • Skoal CatSkoal Cat Registered User
    edited July 2011
    What? No. Do not put lube in the condom. If you are using lube with condoms (on the outside), make sure its the right kind of lube that won't eat away at the condom.

    ceres wrote: »
    Skoal Cat is correct.
  • jackisrealjackisreal Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Astroglide :^:
    Spoiler:

    DolphinMechSig.jpg
  • ceresceres Your photo framed Raw within my mindSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited July 2011
    I understand the problem and the concern with condoms, but I'm with the people who are going "uh, wtf, not cool" at her reaction. She's taken issue with something commonly put down to nerves, and handling it by... putting a ton of pressure on you and if you don't perform now she walks? It's not the demand for protection, but the lack of patience and willingness to issue such an ultimatum that bothers me.

    I would honestly think about cutting this one loose.

    And I am done with my graceless heart,
    So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart.

    The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
    TheRoadVirus
  • GafotoGafoto Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    JebusUD wrote: »
    Gork wrote: »
    I've gotten her off orally and with hands, at least according to her.

    She is on the pill.

    I think trying different brands may be a good idea. I've only ever bought trojans and they do seem a little tight. Burning through my remaining trojans by masturbating in them.

    And she is aware the issue is condoms (or my brain). She's pretty frustrated by it.

    dood, those trojan ecstasy ones are bigger, try those. Only 10 to a box and about 7 bucks, but eh, they don't feel like they are trying to choke your Johnson to death.
    I have tried those. They're like fucking someone with a trashbag. If it works, more power to you, but I found them to be horrible.

    Thus far my preferred condom is the ultra-thin Durexs. Never had a problem with them breaking and very rarely with them slipping at all (improper amount of lube).

    I often have problems with losing it while having a condom on, which is why I tend to wait until right before penetration is gonna happen to put it on. If I sit around for a minute or two with a condom on I will definitely go soft.

    sierracrest.jpg
  • jackisrealjackisreal Registered User
    edited July 2011
    I think the Ecstasy ones are great...it really just comes down to how you're shaped. I agree with those who have said to try a bunch.

    DolphinMechSig.jpg
  • DrakeonDrakeon Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    I had this problem too, just happens when your nervous. Condoms could be a factor, but nerves are by far the main reason for the problem. Also going to echo the thoughts of those who are saying that by giving you this ultimatum she is only making things worse, its also totally not cool. Not sure how I'd feel about it if my lady had given me the ultimatum, took us at least 4-5 times of trying and when we finally were able to, i didnt use a condom (she was on the pill).

    PSN: Drakieon XBL: Drakieon Steam: TheDrakeon
  • KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Make sure the condom is warm. You or she should hold the package against your body for a bit before opening it and putting it on. Also, feel free to stroke yourself a few times to get yourself back to full hardness before penetration.

    I don't have a problem with the content of the ultimatum... I think how she communicated it to you would make a big difference in terms of getting offended and seeing her as not worth it and understanding that this was just a deal breaker for her. Everyone is allowed to have deal breakers. Using a condom for penetrative sex was my position while dating and all my friend's as well so I personally find that a commendable position. Wanting to have penetrative sex isn't an off the wall bonkers deal breaker. Together they are just unfortunate for you.

    PS - You categorically state that you are free of STD's, but you can't actually know that unless you haven't been sexually active with anyone for at least 3-6 months and then been tested. Syphilis and HIV tests both take a while to turn up positive.

    Animal Crossing: City Folk Lissa in Filmore 3179-9580-0076
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    ceres wrote: »
    I understand the problem and the concern with condoms, but I'm with the people who are going "uh, wtf, not cool" at her reaction. She's taken issue with something commonly put down to nerves, and handling it by... putting a ton of pressure on you and if you don't perform now she walks? It's not the demand for protection, but the lack of patience and willingness to issue such an ultimatum that bothers me.

    I would honestly think about cutting this one loose.

    I totally disagree with this. You're still in the early stages of a relationship, and she's being completely rational AND communicative. For her, sex is an important part of a relationship. She is also aware that you guys haven't currently invested so much in the relationship that it'd be hard to break it off. I think she's being completely fair. There's plenty of other fish in the sea for each of you, and if you're not getting what you want from the relationship you might as well look at other relationships.

    She's also probably completely aware that you going soft without a condom indicates that you're mentally blocking it. It's pretty fair of her to call you out on that. I've heard of plenty of guys who do that, deliberately or sub-consciously, just so they can bareback earlier.

    I say good for her. You should be more interested, because she's someone who is rational, direct and willing to communicate.

    "Well, look at this. Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What's that make us?"
    "Big Damn Heroes, Sir."
    "Ain't we just."
  • Mes3Mes3 Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Skoal Cat wrote: »
    What? No. Do not put lube in the condom. If you are using lube with condoms (on the outside), make sure its the right kind of lube that won't eat away at the condom.

    You're only lubing the head of your dick. Not the whole thing. I've never had a condom come off doing this. It makes wearing a condom bearable.

    And yeah, make sure you're using a water based lube. Ky Silk or Astroglide would be my choice. Usually right with the condoms.

    http://rjnewman.blogspot.com/ | Follow me on instagram @ messiah3x
  • MunacraMunacra Registered User
    edited July 2011
    The fact that she's on the pill is irrelevant save for the fact that it is an additional method of protection.

    Just try to get used to the condoms and forget about the fact that she's on the pill. It may make you feel like it's not entirely necessary if you dwell on it, when really you should be using them each time anyway.

    In what parallel universe are we that 99.9% efficacy against unwanted pregnancy makes the pill irrelevant?

  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu ___________PIGEON _________San Diego, CA Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Lube on the condom isn't just an issue because the condom might slip off: like Skoal Cat mentioned, you can weaken the condom and increase the chance that it breaks.

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Munacra wrote: »
    The fact that she's on the pill is irrelevant save for the fact that it is an additional method of protection.

    Just try to get used to the condoms and forget about the fact that she's on the pill. It may make you feel like it's not entirely necessary if you dwell on it, when really you should be using them each time anyway.

    In what parallel universe are we that 99.9% efficacy against unwanted pregnancy makes the pill irrelevant?

    The same one where STD's are a concern and just because a guy tells you he's clean it doesn't mean he is and not everyone is comfortable having unprotected sex in a nonexclusive relationship. Pregnancy isn't the girl's only concern.

  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Munacra wrote: »
    The fact that she's on the pill is irrelevant save for the fact that it is an additional method of protection.

    Just try to get used to the condoms and forget about the fact that she's on the pill. It may make you feel like it's not entirely necessary if you dwell on it, when really you should be using them each time anyway.

    In what parallel universe are we that 99.9% efficacy against unwanted pregnancy makes the pill irrelevant?

    The same one where STD's are a concern and just because a guy tells you he's clean it doesn't mean he is and not everyone is comfortable having unprotected sex in a nonexclusive relationship. Pregnancy isn't the girl's only concern.

    What VoC said

    Also the 99.9% efficacy is a perfect-use statistic, which is almost surely unachievable

    In reality the pill and other self-administered hormonal birth control is about 80-90% effective with typical use

    Jormungandr? Damn near killed 'er!
  • MunacraMunacra Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Munacra wrote: »
    The fact that she's on the pill is irrelevant save for the fact that it is an additional method of protection.

    Just try to get used to the condoms and forget about the fact that she's on the pill. It may make you feel like it's not entirely necessary if you dwell on it, when really you should be using them each time anyway.

    In what parallel universe are we that 99.9% efficacy against unwanted pregnancy makes the pill irrelevant?

    The same one where STD's are a concern and just because a guy tells you he's clean it doesn't mean he is and not everyone is comfortable having unprotected sex in a nonexclusive relationship. Pregnancy isn't the girl's only concern.

    Condoms will not completely mitigate the risk of STD's, and it still doesn't make the pill irrelevant. The problem is, as you pointed out, deliberate miscommunication and irrationality. Why doesn't the OP simply get tested, and show the results to the girl?

  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Munacra wrote: »
    Munacra wrote: »
    The fact that she's on the pill is irrelevant save for the fact that it is an additional method of protection.

    Just try to get used to the condoms and forget about the fact that she's on the pill. It may make you feel like it's not entirely necessary if you dwell on it, when really you should be using them each time anyway.

    In what parallel universe are we that 99.9% efficacy against unwanted pregnancy makes the pill irrelevant?

    The same one where STD's are a concern and just because a guy tells you he's clean it doesn't mean he is and not everyone is comfortable having unprotected sex in a nonexclusive relationship. Pregnancy isn't the girl's only concern.

    Condoms will not completely mitigate the risk of STD's, and it still doesn't make the pill irrelevant. The problem is, as you pointed out, deliberate miscommunication and irrationality. Why doesn't the OP simply get tested, and show the results to the girl?

    They're in a nonexclusive relationship which means he can be bonking other people without protection who may or may not be clean. I would absolutely never engage in unprotected sex with someone who engaged in unprotected sex with others as well.

  • MunacraMunacra Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Yes, that's why I said that the best thing to do is to get tested and show the results. You're not reading my posts at all.

  • KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited July 2011
    Munacra wrote: »
    Condoms will not completely mitigate the risk of STD's, and it still doesn't make the pill irrelevant. The problem is, as you pointed out, deliberate miscommunication and irrationality. Why doesn't the OP simply get tested, and show the results to the girl?
    Gork wrote: »
    ... it's over because there is no barebacking until we're exclusive.

    They aren't exclusive so unless he is going to go get tested every single day he wants to have sex with this woman or after each encounter with other women the results aren't that useful. And this is also ignoring the length of time needed for each STD to show up on tests. Given the issues he is having with condoms, the woman this thread is about can be reasonably sure that he isn't using condoms with the other women he is sleeping with.

    Condoms will reduce the risk of STDs and the risk of pregnancy, even with the girl on the pill.

    Animal Crossing: City Folk Lissa in Filmore 3179-9580-0076
  • MunacraMunacra Registered User
    edited July 2011
    Kistra wrote: »
    Munacra wrote: »
    Condoms will not completely mitigate the risk of STD's, and it still doesn't make the pill irrelevant. The problem is, as you pointed out, deliberate miscommunication and irrationality. Why doesn't the OP simply get tested, and show the results to the girl?
    Gork wrote: »
    ... it's over because there is no barebacking until we're exclusive.

    They aren't exclusive so unless he is going to go get tested every single day he wants to have sex with this woman or after each encounter with other women the results aren't that useful. And this is also ignoring the length of time needed for each STD to show up on tests. Given the issues he is having with condoms, the woman this thread is about can be reasonably sure that he isn't using condoms with the other women he is sleeping with.

    Condoms will reduce the risk of STDs and the risk of pregnancy, even with the girl on the pill.

    I argued that the use of condoms doesn't make the pill irrelevant, but I never said not to use condoms. I certainly think the whole "my penis dies" thing is nonsense.

    I'm saying that sex is more than just penetration, and that not all STD's are created equal. A good amount of them are transmitted through skin-to-skin contact.

    People simply assume that it covers all bases.

    I think the best thing to do in this particular case is to avoid intercourse outside of an exclusive relationship, or get properly tested if they want to continue being sexual partners, instead of ultimatums, masturbating into condoms, X vs Y brand of lube, or other such rubbish. It's a behavior issue.

  • ceresceres Your photo framed Raw within my mindSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    edited July 2011
    You know, it's not just about him getting tested to prove anything, either. If they aren't exclusive it's just as much for his protection.

    And I am done with my graceless heart,
    So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart.

    The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
  • MunacraMunacra Registered User
    edited July 2011
    How will the use of a condom all of a sudden prevent the transmission of syphilis, if the OP has it?

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