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[Internet Dating] "Who is your favorite duck?" and other dating questions
dnaeric
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Internet Dating
This thread is built to help you avoid this:
Now that the old thread has reached one hundred pages, here is a new thread so we can share more hilarious and heartwarming tales of dating on the internet.
Our friendly and helpful forum-goers have put together a lot of advice since these threads began, I've copy-pasted most of it from Richy's old OP.
Also, remember if you want more specific advice to post your profile link in the thread. Four or five people will usually jump right on and begin tearing it to shreds (in a good way) so you can be more successful.[/quote]
ETA: The above will be updated by dnaeric asap.
This thread is built to help you avoid this:
Now that the old thread has reached one hundred pages, here is a new thread so we can share more hilarious and heartwarming tales of dating on the internet.
Our friendly and helpful forum-goers have put together a lot of advice since these threads began, I've copy-pasted most of it from Richy's old OP.
Your Profile
Wherein we discuss dating profile advice.OkCupid wrote:Every Section
STOP being "honest" via self deprecation in your profiles
STOP apologizing to the reader of your profile
STOP making excuses to the reader of your profile
STOP following confident statements with insecure "lol" or "haha" or "i guess"
STOP insulting your own life path in your profile
STOP calling yourself nerdy or geeky or dorky or funny or witty or handsome or sarcastic or any-fucking-thing. Leave out any sentences that say, "I am [adjective]" unless you are prepared to put up or shut up.
YOU ARE TRYING TO WOO A MATE. THIS IS NOT AN HONEST AUTOBIOGRAPHY. YOU'RE SELLING YOURSELF
My Self Summary
- Be Specific
- Show, don't tell. Use stories to show that you are interesting
- Don't talk about vague shit like "I like to travel" and "I read books for fun" and "I have maintained possession of both my eyes since birth."
What I'm Doing With My Life
- Don't beat around the bush. Just fucking tell me what you do for money or what you are studying in school. It's going to be a first question on a date and gives a potential suitor something to ask you about.
- Put interesting things in here. Hobbies. Not JUST work-things. Show me why you are awesome to hang out with.
I'm Really Good At
- You are not good at making people laugh or being funny or whatever. Find SKILLS that you have that you are good at. I can cut a deck of cards one-handed. I can drive stick shift. Something interesting that you can do that is awesome.
First Things People Notice
- It's not your smile or your eyes or your sense of humor or whatever.
- Think about something that people would notice across a bar if you were hanging out with your friends in a loud, crowded place.
Favorites
- List YOUR FAVORITES. Not every book, movie, television show, and food you've ever read, seen, watched, or eaten.
- Pick 10-12 things MAXIMUM
- If you must use key words, only key word two or three things in each section. The favorites of your favorites.
- For books, list titles, not authors. Some authors write a wide range of books. Some authors are associated with being a prick or a poser. Book Titles tell a lot more about who you are as a person.
Six Things
- Don't list bullshit like oxygen, air, water, food, friends and family. It's boring and meaningless.
- Don't list your computer, the internet, these forums, or something else pathetic.
- Do list things relating to stuff you love or mention elsewhere in the profile. Feel free to be silly here, but don't list six random things that have no connection or theme.
I Spend a lot of time thinking about
- Don't suddenly get all deep and existential when there's nothing else like that in your profile.
- Don't say "Taking over the world" because that's bullshit.
- Feel free to be funny or silly here, too, but don't make it cliche.
Typical Friday
- Don't say "there is no typical Friday"
- Don't say "taking over the world"
- Don't say "out with friends or in reading a book" like every other person ever
- This is a bullshit question, but be specific. If you are out with friends, what are you doing? Do you go dancing? Go to bars for trivia night? Watch movies and eat popcorn?
The Most Privet Thing
- ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION
Message me if
- Don't say "if you want to" or any other variation of that. BE SPECIFIC.PlentyOfFish wrote:Pictures:
- Your main picture should feature you alone, and your face should be visible.
- Other pictures can include other people, but do specify who you are in the picture.
- Do not put up pictures where you are not at all. It's a dating site, not a Facebook album.
- Do not put up pictures with your ex. WTF would you think that's a good idea?
Headline:
- Do not write "I never know what to write in those things". Think of something. It's not hard.
- Do not write "Headlines are stupid". NO U.
I am looking for:
- Not "intimate encounters". Girls do not need the internet to find "intimate encounters". Most of them, in fact, have their accounts set to automatically block messages from guys looking for "intimate encounters".
Question section:
- Do not "prefer not to say". These are simple straightforward questions that give some basic background info on yourself. Answer them. They're not asking the number of girls you slept with or the size of your wang or the hiding place of John Connor. They're asking whether or not you own a car. If you can't answer that with a simple yes/no, you've got issues.
Interests:
- Put some.
- Be specific.
- "Doing stuff" is not an interest. Neither is "taking over the world".
About me:
- Everything from the OKC profile advice applies here.
First date:
- Do not write "i dunno." Do not write "you come up with something." Do not write "we'll talk about it and decide." Do not write "whatever you want to do." It makes you look dull and unimaginative and boring.
- Everyone has a mental picture of an ideal date. Write a one or two line abstract of it.
- This section is important. It gives the other person a good idea of your personality. If your first date idea is chatting over coffee, you might not be a match for someone whose ideal first date is skydiving over a volcano while carrying an active bomb wrapped in barbed wire. See? Important information there.
Charts!
Wherein number are plotted against other numbers to look more interesting.People lie in their profiles
Older women are awesome
Pictures do matter
Men are stupid
Race does matter
leet speek is p. dum
Be specific, a.k.a. metal-loving vegetarian zombies rock
Advice
Wherein we're wise men and women. Single, sad, lonely wise men and women.
- Don't be discouraged if you've read this entire OP, looked through the thread, and sent out a hojillion messages without anything meaningful responses. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't, but your profile and the messages you send are only fraction of who you are, so don't take that shit to heart.
- Pellaelon wrote: "What I do get is the opportunity to view and be viewed by people outside of the areas I spend 95% of my time (work, gym, apt complex, grocery store, local bar). Maybe they contact me, maybe I contact them, maybe nothing happens. On the off chance no one messages me and no one I message ever replies it just means that I don't meet people that I would never meet in my normal life anyway. The horror! The upside is that I have a profile that is always potentially working for me while I'm doing other things like working, sleeping, watching tv, etc. For free. While I can also pursue other means of meeting women at the same time if I so choose."
- Too good looking for you? Son, let a girl figure out why she won't sleep with you. Don't do it for her.
Also, remember if you want more specific advice to post your profile link in the thread. Four or five people will usually jump right on and begin tearing it to shreds (in a good way) so you can be more successful.[/quote]
ETA: The above will be updated by dnaeric asap.
dnaeric on
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but what's the deal with ducks?
We've had one or two people try it out so far with like a 50% success rate.
Keys are:
1. Know your answer and have an explanation for why you chose yours.
2. Have an expectation or foreknowledge of what ducks she might choose so you can say "ahh yes, Daffy, I remember him well", or whatever you're going to say about her choice.
For example, if a girl says she likes Donald Duck, I know I'm not going to like this girl.
If a girl says she likes Darkwing Duck, I'm going to get dangerous with her.
And if she says mallards, she either misheard the question or is just stupid and should burn. BURN.
edit: Mallards are awesome and is a perfectly valid question, but does show how the person interprets the world.
I have a job, don't live with my parents and for fun I like games of all sort and if you don't like it fuck off.
Honestly? Its pretty damned solid. The only part I hate is your "message me if" section. There is too much that makes me think "god, he is really going to judge me badly based on X". Your photos are good, but there are too many that are simply "here is me someplace interesting." They give us the same vibe and, even though you're in a neat place, are kind of repetitive that way.
Be careful with giving the implication that you might not have time to date, or that you wouldn't date someone who specifically has your interests in grammar, politics, and exercise (Oxford comma, go go go).
Remove the date from the Prague photo. If its not recent, don't date it.
I'd also say be aware of how disjointed your profile is. You have a lot of info, maybe too much actually, that doesn't really flow into the next section well. Also, removing stuff means you'll have interesting things to talk about on your date.
Approach your profile thinking this, "Does this comment specifically increase the chance that someone would want to date me?" If not, toss it.
Example: "Oh my god, hes bad at bowling? <3throb up in here"
So we know you two won't be a match.
Profile looked good, liked the casual but focused writing style.
Unfortunately, two weeks after we moved in together in a new city, she left me for my best friend. I spent two weeks trying to work shit out, then just to figure shit out, and then to move out and back home.
When is it time to get back on the internet dating horse?
I probably could've posted this in a non e-dating thread, but I wanted to guys to see the blissful success and ultimate horror that OKC can be, just like any other form of meeting people and falling in love!
Thanks for the feedback. I've been told the 'message me' part is a little off-putting before (here, actually), so I made it a little friendlier. Made a few adjustments elsewhere as well - I see what you mean about the different sections not really flowing together, but I think I'd have to start from scratch to make it really cohesive.
Other people's thoughts are certainly welcome as well.
Pictures: Mostly good, but I'd take one of you and your cousin out of the top three, and maybe remove the one with your best friend. Pictures of you with the opposite sex are not the best idea.
The 'generous as hell' part of your profile makes you sound like a pushover. Not sure I'd leave that in there.
You've got a fun, high energy, somewhat nerdy vibe to your profile, which I think works pretty well, but shyer girls may be a little put off. Or not. Time to send some messages and find out.
There's nothing to gain from bringing it up. If you're actually interested, text her back, try to set another date up, maybe something more active than coffee this time.
alright, changes made (i really need to get some new recent photos)
thanks!
Yeah, but were these women who either:
a) Sent you a message
of
b) You were even remotely interested in
I mean, if you're in your 20s, don't even have a minimum age. It's not weird to date somebody who's, let's say, 22 even when you're 29. But once you're 30, things get a lot more difficult. Women in their early or mid 20s sometimes even late 20s will not be interested. I've seen this just by looking at the age ranges that women put down.
I can say from experience that things were a lot easier when I was in my 20s. As soon as I turned 30, my options limited drastically. It's surprising.
Obviously, the older you get (past 25 or so), the fewer single women there are. They get married.
You also start seeing more women with children. Same principle. As people get older, they tend to get married and/or have children.
So there's an increasingly smaller pool as the years go on. And a lot of women in their 20s just use 30 as an arbitrary cut off point.
You have to look at women in their 30s then. These women fall into exactly two groups:
1. Those who have children.
2. Those who don't have children.
Those with children -- I need not explain the added difficulty here.
Those without children -- why not? They got to 30 without children? What were they doing for all this time? Ignoring medical reasons, why couldn't they have any children? They couldn't get something going with some dude in all this time. Why not? What's up with them?
Could be nothing. They could be real catches. But it could be something else (lunatics, very unattractive, whatever).
Also, women in their 30s who want children really want children. Because time's awasting. If you want children straight away with some random chick off the internet, great. If not, you don't want to waste their time.
So it's bad news all around. I didn't really care about dating while I was younger. Now I see that I was in error.
That said, I was looking at my phone messages this morning. I saw a message from exactly a year ago from a girl I met up with. That was the last date I had. I just haven't been putting any effort in. So I didn't learn any lesson. Maybe things start improving when you're 40 and these women are divorced and have grown children.
...and then she'll send a message a day or two later asking how I'm doing and what I've been up to. I respond with a message or two and then ask when she'd like to meet, she falls silent, and the process repeats. I think she's actually afraid to meet or something but I don't really have the patience to play whatever game we're playing.
What is the least-dickish way to figuratively tell her to put out or get out (again, not sexually, but just to meet in person).
You've never met in person, she's not a friend. Just stop responding to her.
I haven't seen this at all. In fact, just the opposite. Women prefer older men, and as they get older they don't want to deal with guys in their early 20s.
This from an almost 35 year old. Caveat here is that I look about 24-25 though, so women get the best of both worlds, young looking but with mental maturity.
Well, I'm about to. I just was wondering if there is a potential way to figure out what the hell is going on. Oh well, I'll move on then.
Pretty much. Life happens to people. There are a myriad of reasons for a person to be 30, single, and childless. It's silly goosery to approach it with this attitude.
wish list
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Etsy wishlist
It went okay. We got lunch and talked for about an hour. She's got a few more pounds than her pictures let on, particularly in the face/neck. And I now know that she's got a high school prom picture up on her profile, because there's no way the girl in that picture was the same person I met Saturday. I'm not sure I'll go out with her again, though. For one I'm just not feeling her, but there are a few other things. For one, she gave off the impression she was in law school in her profile, came to my city to goto college from Alabama, so I ask her if she wants to be a lawyer. She answers that law school is actually kind of hard and she's not very good at it, so she may have to drop out and might pursue teaching instead. Not sure how you make it all the way to graduate school just to figure that out (she's from Virginia, went to Alabama for college, and came to Knoxville TN to drop out of graduate school...random).
By the way, I thought it was kind of funny since we were just talking about pretending to be a lawyer recently.
I think I'm gonna bump up my age range to 24-28. I'm 25, and this girl was 22. I'd like to think a year or two more would get me a little more of what I'm looking for...perhaps.
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If you feel like she is interesting (besides this not meeting thing), just be incredibly direct. Just make the next message something along the lines of:
Hey Jan123,
Got your message, my weekend was good. I'd like to move forward from just online chatting and meet with you real life so we can spend some time getting to know each other face to face. I'm free either Thursday or Saturday evening this week and would enjoy getting together for a drink or maybe catch some dinner. Let me know which day works best for you and we can set up a time/place.
Ultimanecat
So, with the message above, you aren't asking her any questions. Its a 'this is what we're doing'. You're taking the reins and driving, and for someone that is clearly being passive (or potentially trying to avoid), then this will get you there. If she can't commit after being direct like this, she isn't going to OR she is going to explain herself.
In my experience, women like the guy to drive (figuratively). Its nature at work. Girls don't need an asshole hitting them, but they do want the guys to be the one leading in the dance. So, don't pussy foot. Wallflowers plant roots.
Super-clingy girl didn't work out. Who woulda guessed.
I think after reading your profile again, its obvious that you're at a place in your life that is serious and set. You want that out of someone else as well. Just know you're coming from that place, project that, and it should reflect back.
Also, I have no doubt the key to your personal victory is a goatee. I'm just sayin.
Yeah, I'm about that direct as it is but she's just stonewalling at this point. It's weird to me because she's chatty as hell so long as I don't ask her out - fair enough, but why bother with the song and dance routine?
She's definitely not interesting enough to keep this up, soooooo...back into the ocean she goes.
Negative. I call her, and she gives me the "I'm not interested in dating you, but I'd like to stay friends" speech. She does at least apologize for how awkward she left things on the last date (I knew I wasn't imagining things!).
Ugh. I purposefully didn't call originally because I saw the writing on the wall, and I still get Shanghaied into rejection anyway.
Huh.
My heads swimming with this. She's amazing and she cares about me and wants to be in a relationship with me (just not with only me). This doesn't make her a bad person, I respect her current relationship, I have my fears and misgivings about what this means, and I'm having a hard time understanding how I feel. I think I need to make a H/A thread.
Fun side note here, my absolute horror story of the agoraphobic whale came up. Turns out, poly girl used to be agoraphobic! She's better now. What are the odds?
There's a good chance she's already in a relationship that's dying. I've seen that before. The girl starts lining up her options before ending her relationship, but she won't fully take the plunge until that relationship is over.