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[Internet Dating] "Who is your favorite duck?" and other dating questions

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Posts

  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    lizardloop wrote: »
    It's getting to the point where I'm not sure she actually wants to meet up again due to how busy she always is. Even though I keep getting apologies from her about "how bad her timing is at the moment". Shame as I thought we got on really well.

    She may actually want to meet, but is putting "somewhat blind dates" low on her list of priorities. I don't think it's that uncommon for people, especially single people, to prioritize family and current friends over potential dates, especially if they aren't jonesing for a relationship particularly badly. It's a tradeoff -- do you want to potentially date someone who is pretty independent and busy, therefore potentially having less time to date you? Or do you want to pursue someone who has ample freetime?

    If you're not getting a strong vibe from her, just put it in her court. Tell her that you have a couple ideas for things (drinks at [place], coffee at [shop], or even better, particular things that are interesting to see but are in town only for a limited time, like maybe a museum exhibit), and say that she should contact you when she sees some free time, and give her your normal email (if you haven't already) and your phone number, saying to text or call.

    You made the first step by asking her out, and while I think it's fair that people can be busy and that it often makes them interesting people, if she can't put a little thought into planning a date, then yes, she's probably not all that interested in seeing anyone.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • lizardlooplizardloop Registered User regular
    Well I think she must be reading this thread because about a minute after seeing your post appear EggyToast she sent me a text asking if I wanted to have a beer later on this week.

  • AiouaAioua Novus Ordo Seclorum Lord of the ForumRegistered User regular
    edited February 2012
    lizardloop wrote: »
    kfrooster wrote: »
    Currently I'm having a nice conversation with the girl I contacted about a week ago. She had agreed to an offline meet up but already had plans get out of the city for a week. She's back now and and I've gotten in touch with her once again. My question is, how do I broach the subject of a date, without sounding needy as I had already asked her out previously.

    I'm in a similar position to you with Coffee girl. Each week goes like this:
    Me: Hey you still fancy that drink we talked about last week?
    Her: Yeah that would be great only thing is I'm ill/visiting relatives/on a mission to save the galaxy. Can I text you after the weekend?
    Me: Yeah no worries.
    ...Weekend passes...
    Me: Hey you still fancy that drink we talked about last week?
    It's getting to the point where I'm not sure she actually wants to meet up again due to how busy she always is. Even though I keep getting apologies from her about "how bad her timing is at the moment". Shame as I thought we got on really well.

    Yeeesh, even if she does want to go for another round, it doesn't seem like it's worth it. I'd just let it be, if she's down she knows how to get a hold of you.

    On my end, I've got a date this weekend. :D Wasn't really planning on getting back in the game, but a cute girl went to the trouble of favoriting me, so I figured I shoudl send her a message.

    Aioua on
    life's a game that you're bound to lose / like using a hammer to pound in screws
    fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
    that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we got booze
    bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    I can't wait for the time to progress past dates and an offer to cook for someone becomes available. I love showing off in the kitchen.

    But alas, got to play the game slow.

    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • SightTDWSightTDW Registered User regular
    I'm thinking I'm just going to make a new OKC account. I want to rewrite it anyway, and I didn't like my username.

    Anyone know if there's any issue with doing that sort of thing?

    Live - SightTDW | PSN - SightTDW | Nintendo Network - Wildschwein | 3DS - 1934-0834-9797
    Steam - Wildschwein | The Backlog
    Grappling Hook Showdown - Tumblr
  • TehSpectreTehSpectre @PixelateJake on TwitterRegistered User regular
    Not that I am aware of.

    I would delete your old account, though.

    Spec_Banner.png
  • MahnmutMahnmut Registered User regular
    I can't wait for the time to progress past dates and an offer to cook for someone becomes available. I love showing off in the kitchen.

    But alas, got to play the game slow.

    I'm a sucker for this. :^:

    Steam/LoL: Jericho89
  • GlyphGryphGlyphGryph Registered User regular
    I can't wait for the time to progress past dates and an offer to cook for someone becomes available. I love showing off in the kitchen.

    But alas, got to play the game slow.

    That was my second date with my wife - I offered to cook her food if she came down. Of course, I managed to light the pasta I was boiling on fire, but luckily she found it hilarious and things worked out well. But really - no reason you can't cook for someone on a second date. Or even a first one, really, if its preceded by some other activity to let them relax a little bit.

    In personal news: Dear god, what changed recently for me? I've been asked to go on three dates this week. As in, THEY asked ME. Crazy! I'm really excited about my date on Wednesday - we're going to a bar, gonna have some fun with some miracle fruit I've got, then we might swing be her place and watch some movie called "The Notebook". Though plans are loose, we might end up doing something completely different, who knows. I'm looking forward to it so hard - we've really clicked, at least via text, and I'm looking forward to meeting her. But damn that nervousness that keeps bubbling to the surface.

    The other invites are, so far, kind of meh. One is basically a "I want to have sex with you" date, which is okay, I suppose, and the other, well, it's kind of neat that they asked me out after a single message, and it definitely takes some of the pressure to perform off without having to live up to my Internet self, but it also saps some of the enthusiasm. I enjoy messaging.

    Either way, this week at least I'm guessing I don't really need advice from you guys, which is good since I don't think I was ever going to get any. :P

    On creating new accounts:
    I've done that like 4 times. I don't think they have a problem with it.

  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Mahnmut wrote: »
    I can't wait for the time to progress past dates and an offer to cook for someone becomes available. I love showing off in the kitchen.

    But alas, got to play the game slow.

    I'm a sucker for this. :^:

    Hey ... you want dinner sometime?
    :winky:

    E: So what's the best way to deal with someone who's basically just annoying on OK? I don't know the guy, but even then I try not to be an ass to strangers. But at this point, we've had a couple of IM chats, and all he really does is get annoyed when I won't give him my number for texts, and that I don't write to him as often as he thinks I should. Also, the last time we chatted, he basically called my being Bi as 'a phase I'll grow out of'. Which, being the patient person I am, declined to type my immediate 'fuck you' response. But it's getting to that point. I think a concise message about 'listen, the people who do get my number, are the one's who I've had decent conversations with, who act mature and sensible, and who don't go out of their way to offend me" is the way to go.

    MetroidZoid on
    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • AiouaAioua Novus Ordo Seclorum Lord of the ForumRegistered User regular
    Mahnmut wrote: »
    I can't wait for the time to progress past dates and an offer to cook for someone becomes available. I love showing off in the kitchen.

    But alas, got to play the game slow.

    I'm a sucker for this. :^:

    Hey ... you want dinner sometime?
    :winky:

    E: So what's the best way to deal with someone who's basically just annoying on OK? I don't know the guy, but even then I try not to be an ass to strangers. But at this point, we've had a couple of IM chats, and all he really does is get annoyed when I won't give him my number for texts, and that I don't write to him as often as he thinks I should. Also, the last time we chatted, he basically called my being Bi as 'a phase I'll grow out of'. Which, being the patient person I am, declined to type my immediate 'fuck you' response. But it's getting to that point. I think a concise message about 'listen, the people who do get my number, are the one's who I've had decent conversations with, who act mature and sensible, and who don't go out of their way to offend me" is the way to go.

    Sounds like he's earned it to me.
    Shit, if that was me I wouldn't even bother with a "fuck you" message and just block the guy without comment.
    But shitting on someone's sexual orientation is way over the line for me.

    life's a game that you're bound to lose / like using a hammer to pound in screws
    fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
    that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we got booze
    bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
  • SightTDWSightTDW Registered User regular
    Thanks for the info everyone. Just reactivated and deleted my account. I'm looking forward to starting from scratch.

    Hm. I probably should have marked down the names of people I already struck out with.

    @MetroidZoid I don't think I could have stopped myself from sending "fuck you" on that one. Something concise and direct should do the trick. Granted, "fuck you" does both of those things pretty well, but I think your way might be better.

    Live - SightTDW | PSN - SightTDW | Nintendo Network - Wildschwein | 3DS - 1934-0834-9797
    Steam - Wildschwein | The Backlog
    Grappling Hook Showdown - Tumblr
  • rizriz Registered User regular
    Yeahhh. I'm always tempted in those kind of situations to give advice on not being a complete douchebag to future potential dates, if the person had other redeeming qualities, but it probably won't help anyway.

    For instance, I try to avoid sending "what the fuck?" messages to people who having really strange offensive things in their profile, but the one time I couldn't resist was a guy had written something like "oh and I'm not interested in dating bisexual women, because I want to have a family someday." I was not aware that you had to turn in your womb the first time you got it on with another woman. Who knew.

    Organichu wrote:
    she's some sort of malevolent creature who bores through this world into the next using hatred and suffering as her fuel
  • simonwolfsimonwolf i don't care i'd rather sink -- than swipe right for bradRegistered User regular
    So I'm planning on actually making a profile on this OKC thing, which is a plan I have made several times but always backed out on for one reason or another. Outside of the OP advice, is there anything I should really make sure is/isn't in my profile? I'm not an American, if it makes any difference.

    Also, I think I have a grand total of one photo I could use - should I stick with that for the moment, or should I be trying to figure out a means to get another taken?

  • BrainleechBrainleech Registered User regular
    ninzorjons wrote: »
    I really just can't smile without looking like a goof on camera...it's kind of a curse I have.

    Pfft I have fangs! so I tend not to smile and it doesn't help to usually be up a night

    A.jpg
  • MahnmutMahnmut Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Mahnmut wrote: »
    I can't wait for the time to progress past dates and an offer to cook for someone becomes available. I love showing off in the kitchen.

    But alas, got to play the game slow.

    I'm a sucker for this. :^:

    Hey ... you want dinner sometime?
    :winky:

    E: So what's the best way to deal with someone who's basically just annoying on OK? I don't know the guy, but even then I try not to be an ass to strangers. But at this point, we've had a couple of IM chats, and all he really does is get annoyed when I won't give him my number for texts, and that I don't write to him as often as he thinks I should. Also, the last time we chatted, he basically called my being Bi as 'a phase I'll grow out of'. Which, being the patient person I am, declined to type my immediate 'fuck you' response. But it's getting to that point. I think a concise message about 'listen, the people who do get my number, are the one's who I've had decent conversations with, who act mature and sensible, and who don't go out of their way to offend me" is the way to go.

    Send him exactly that message, then block him. Continuing the conversation doesn't seem worth your time.

    I have a second date tonight. I also have a terrible head cold. :( Odds are good that I'll call and postpone later today.

    Mahnmut on
    Steam/LoL: Jericho89
  • GlyphGryphGlyphGryph Registered User regular
    simonwolf wrote: »
    Outside of the OP advice, is there anything I should really make sure is/isn't in my profile? I'm not an American, if it makes any difference.
    I don't think it should, outside a few cultural sensitives you'd honestly know better than us. Remember, you aren't building your profile to get the most responses, but the best responses. That means it not only needs to be good, but also uniquely you. But I'll at least offer advice if you decide to share it.
    simonwolf wrote: »
    Also, I think I have a grand total of one photo I could use - should I stick with that for the moment, or should I be trying to figure out a means to get another taken?
    Get better photos. While photos sometimes don't matter (I only just realized I never actually looked at the photos for the girl I'm seeing tomorrow, for example), 95% of the time they can break you, and break you hard. One photo is better than nothing, assuming its not terrible, but the best profile in the world won't save you if your pictures make you look like a creeper, or even like you just don't care. I've found a picture somewhat related to your username attracts attention, and a picture somehow relating to your passion is awesome. Try to imbue some of that into the photo - for example, I enjoy doing art, so I did art to one of my photos. It looks good, its still clearly me, but it's a great hook.

    If you can, get someone else to help you take the photos. Remember that the focus of the photo should be you. And you'll be a lot better off if you just let go, try to have as much fun with your photoshoot as possible, throw ideas against the wall to see what sticks, and ultimately take tons of extras from which you can pick the best. Don't just go out, take one photo, post it online and consider it finished.
    riz wrote: »
    "oh and I'm not interested in dating bisexual women, because I want to have a family someday."
    Urgh. I kind of want to punch that guy just hearing about him.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. Eating out. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Do your worst.

    http://www.okcupid.com/profile/le_lapin_noir

    I've had it for a couple of months now and I generally get a couple of messages a week (I haven't messaged anyone yet).

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    I'd include that you ate an entire bag of oven fries in 6 minutes on an internet dare. Granted, you dared yourself, but still.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • AiouaAioua Novus Ordo Seclorum Lord of the ForumRegistered User regular
    EggyToast wrote: »
    I'd include that you ate an entire bag of oven fries in 6 minutes on an internet dare. Granted, you dared yourself, but still.

    And link to the video!
    Actually that could just be the entire "private thing" section.

    life's a game that you're bound to lose / like using a hammer to pound in screws
    fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
    that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we got booze
    bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    I thought you had a gf Esh? Or rather, I assumed that was her in the infamous fry video.

    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • EshEsh Tending bar. Eating out. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited February 2012
    I thought you had a gf Esh? Or rather, I assumed that was her in the infamous fry video.

    Nope. Something like 90% of my friends are women though. I've known that particular girl for almost ten years.

    Esh on
    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • BobbleBobble Registered User regular
    Hmm, I don't recall getting scam messages with a phone number before. They're evolving.

  • KitKatBarKitKatBar Registered User regular
    SightTDW wrote:
    Hm. I probably should have marked down the names of people I already struck out with.

    Whenever I'm thinking of sending someone a message, I do a quick alphabetical sort on my OKC email account (I have a gmail account I use just for OKC) and check to see if I've ever gotten any messages from that username before. If I did and ignored them at the time, I figure it was probably for a good reason and move on.

    If you're thinking of messaging someone who you messaged before from your old account but they never wrote back to you, I wouldn't worry about messaging them again. They probably won't remember you since they never talked to you, so at worst they'll just ignore you again.

    Of course, this only works if you had notifications turned on and don't delete your emails.

  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    Esh wrote: »
    I thought you had a gf Esh? Or rather, I assumed that was her in the infamous fry video.

    Nope. Something like 90% of my friends are women though. I've known that particular girl for almost ten years.

    Cool.

    On a plus side, I've been talking to this girl who moved to town a few months ago, and right off the back she made it obvious she wasn't looking for a relationship or even hook-ups right now. Totally cool with that. So we started talking like friends, had a really good long chat last night.

    Now her profile was updated to say "Not looking for relationships right now but whatever happens, happens" Call me optimistic but ... well yeah I can dream.

    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • SkyGheNeSkyGheNe Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Esh wrote: »
    Do your worst.

    http://www.okcupid.com/profile/le_lapin_noir

    I've had it for a couple of months now and I generally get a couple of messages a week (I haven't messaged anyone yet).

    You remind me of a better looking John Hodgman.

    I really like your profile because of the conversational tone - and it's also really easy to get through it and oddly enough have a positive impression of you based off of that limited text.

    SkyGheNe on
    sig.jpg
  • EshEsh Tending bar. Eating out. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    SkyGheNe wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    Do your worst.

    http://www.okcupid.com/profile/le_lapin_noir

    I've had it for a couple of months now and I generally get a couple of messages a week (I haven't messaged anyone yet).

    You remind me of a better looking John Hodgman.

    I really like your profile because of the conversational tone - and it's also really easy to get through it and oddly enough have a positive impression of you based off of that limited text.

    Interesting, I can kinda see that if I put on about 25-30 pounds.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    @Esh ,how did I not know you lived in Portland? You seem pretty chill, we should meet for foodstuffs if I ever get off my ass to drive up there for a day or two.

    E: Also what Sky said

    MetroidZoid on
    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • BobbleBobble Registered User regular
    ITT: Esh comes in for advice on getting girls, picks up dudes instead.

  • Space PickleSpace Pickle Registered User regular
    Hey can I get some feedback on my POF profile?
    Spoiler:

    I just signed up for this a few days ago...so far I have had 12 women view my profile and not received any responses back.

    This is harder than I thought.

  • KitKatBarKitKatBar Registered User regular
    You're being far, far too generic. The only interesting thing you mention that doesn't apply to half the population is that you used to be a pilot, and you've buried this bit of attraction in a paragraph about what you might, maybe, someday-hopefully accomplish.

    I'd do a major rewrite, focusing this time on what you have accomplished and what makes you interesting, not that you like sports and music and thought you'd do this one thing but then did another. You don't have to describe your whole life. Focusing on a few things that are interesting and likely to inspire more conversation should do it. What was nice about being a pilot? Can you phrase that in such a way to make a girl want to ask you what it was like to soar over the clouds? Once you're talking, can you sound passionately excited about the topic, so she can imagine what it will be like when you're that passionate about her?

    Oh, and ditch the line about never having done online dating before. It's only going to make a girl roll her eyes. No one says "Oh, he must be a catch! He's never tried to impress anyone online before! I simply must have him!" And I hope you would make time for a girl if you like her; you're on a dating site! There's no need to sound like you're probably not interested before you've even spoken.

  • BaconParabellumBaconParabellum Registered User regular
    Long time PA forum lurker, more recent to this thread.
    Started an OKC acct a few days ago and am wondering what to make of the rating system? How am I supposed to interpret being rated (highly or not)?
    Thanks!

  • Cultural Geek GirlCultural Geek Girl Registered User regular
    Back from my cruise. Hopefully next year I'll have someone to take with me. Like 80% of the people on that cruise are geeky couples. It is amazing, but I'm not sure if it's encouraging or sad. I mean, there are two possible lessons: "All these people found a partner who also likes Jonathan Coulton... there's hope." or "If this many people who are my age or younger can find partners who also like Jonathan Coulton, what have I been doing wrong?"

    I did at least come back to a few new OKCupid messages that are sort of interesting, and a message or two elsewhere that could be something.

    On another note, I realized a guy I know socially is kinda cute recently. Sadly, while he does know I exist, I'm pretty sure he's put me in the "one of the dudes" category. Partially because he only ever sees me in work clothes, and my work clothes are usually whatever t-shirt and jeans are clean; also I run my hands through my hair as I think so it sticks out like crazy and I don't notice until I get home.

    I'm wondering if a girl can actually cinderella... like if I lost some weight, dressed a little better, and started to act like a lady, would guys who might have previously dismissed me reconsider, or once you're "one of the guys" are you pretty much boned?

    Buttoneer, Brigadeer, and Keeper of the Book of Wil Wheaton.
    Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
    Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
  • mrt144mrt144 King of the Numbernames Registered User regular
    Back from my cruise. Hopefully next year I'll have someone to take with me. Like 80% of the people on that cruise are geeky couples. It is amazing, but I'm not sure if it's encouraging or sad. I mean, there are two possible lessons: "All these people found a partner who also likes Jonathan Coulton... there's hope." or "If this many people who are my age or younger can find partners who also like Jonathan Coulton, what have I been doing wrong?"

    I did at least come back to a few new OKCupid messages that are sort of interesting, and a message or two elsewhere that could be something.

    On another note, I realized a guy I know socially is kinda cute recently. Sadly, while he does know I exist, I'm pretty sure he's put me in the "one of the dudes" category. Partially because he only ever sees me in work clothes, and my work clothes are usually whatever t-shirt and jeans are clean; also I run my hands through my hair as I think so it sticks out like crazy and I don't notice until I get home.

    I'm wondering if a girl can actually cinderella... like if I lost some weight, dressed a little better, and started to act like a lady, would guys who might have previously dismissed me reconsider, or once you're "one of the guys" are you pretty much boned?

    12 pack away from boning

  • DarkMechaDarkMecha The Outer SpaceRegistered User regular
    edited March 2012
    After reading many profiles, I have realized that I have so much in common with so many women, it's completely amazing to me.

    Apparently my love of music, food, water, and air is quite common!

    Sarcasm aside, perhaps I'm being abit too picky in deciding who to message. It's just that I often see a picture of a girl and go "hey she's cute, lets read on...", usually I find their profile cool and they sound interesting too. However, I often don't see anything I directly relate to or know enough about to write a message. It's like this one girl is a cute English lit major - sweet, she's probably smart! However I'm an art guy and know jack all about literature, so I feel like anything I write would be the equivalent of saying "So books, they are the cool!". :|

    The flip side of it is that I while I'm not currently really into alot of the things I read about in profiles, I'm very open to new experiences and finding new things that I might become interested in. Maybe if I hung out with an English lit major I might get really into some specific aspect of literature more, who knows? I could use more diverse interests anyways, and sharing something new like that with a SO is really appealing to me. I'm just not sure how to translate that to messages or dating in general.

    Edit- @Cultural Geek Girl - Actually what you described sounds quite attractive to me, but maybe I just like tom-girls alot.

    DarkMecha on
    Steam Profile | Check out my space ships! | 3DS FC: 3754-6679-5676
  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    Man, this girl I've been writing has me on the ropes as far as how to proceed. I wrote her first, we talked about how she was new in town, looking for friends, and after like 3 or 4 pleasant exchanges, I offered to meet for coffee somewhere, just as friends. She said no, only because she didn't know me well enough. Well we never stopped talking, and gotten 'closer' as far as penpals go, and as much as I want to ask 'so, convinced I'm not crazy yet?' I don't want to come off as a creeper. So I'm patiently waiting for her to take me up on that first offer. Which she's not. And even tonight, we got talking about disc golf, and I talked about playing, and first thing she writes back is 'but I don't know anyone who's much of an outdoors enthusiast'. After a whole night talking about how much I liked rafting, and she's been canoeing, and our times on beaches and rivers and etc etc. I swear, she's either oblivious or playing games very very well. And I'm still serious about just meeting AS FRIENDS!

    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    I'm wondering if a girl can actually cinderella... like if I lost some weight, dressed a little better, and started to act like a lady, would guys who might have previously dismissed me reconsider, or once you're "one of the guys" are you pretty much boned?

    Yes, the idea is ultimately true, that if you spend time making yourself look better, people will notice that you look better and act accordingly. If there was a girl that I thought could be cute, but not actually cute to me, I wouldn't really care. If she then became cute, whatever that entailed, then I would find her more attractive.

    I still base it on the kissing principle. If you don't see yourself kissing that person, you're going to have a hard time going on a date with them. Can someone change how they look or come across to be more kissable? Certainly. It's kind of a crapshoot, though, because a lot of people don't want to date someone who COULD be attractive to them, so you can't start dating someone and get an idea of what you should update, but rather you have to make that update yourself and hope that the people you're trying to attract prefer that.

    It's not just a romantic comedy trope, though. People do notice changes.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    DarkMecha wrote: »
    Sarcasm aside, perhaps I'm being abit too picky in deciding who to message. It's just that I often see a picture of a girl and go "hey she's cute, lets read on...", usually I find their profile cool and they sound interesting too. However, I often don't see anything I directly relate to or know enough about to write a message. It's like this one girl is a cute English lit major - sweet, she's probably smart! However I'm an art guy and know jack all about literature, so I feel like anything I write would be the equivalent of saying "So books, they are the cool!". :|

    The flip side of it is that I while I'm not currently really into alot of the things I read about in profiles, I'm very open to new experiences and finding new things that I might become interested in. Maybe if I hung out with an English lit major I might get really into some specific aspect of literature more, who knows? I could use more diverse interests anyways, and sharing something new like that with a SO is really appealing to me. I'm just not sure how to translate that to messages or dating in general.

    I think your problem is that you're looking for things that are a perfect match rather than things that allow you both to grow. Your sarcasm aside, people DO have some very basic things in common. The things that are different are what make relationships interesting, and those are the elements you should point out. If you see that a girl is an English Lit major, and you're not, you shouldn't worry about impressing her with knowledge of English Lit. That comes across as competitive and bullish. Instead, you should allow HER to tell YOU about English Lit, and because you have a background in art, you don't know anything about it.

    Do you normally ask questions of people when you find that they have specialized knowledge, or do you go home and look it up on Wikipedia so you can impress them the next time you see them? It's more sociable to simply ask the person, especially in a dating situation, and most people will value actual experience compared to someone trying to "fake it." So when you see a cute girl that interests you, ask her about her interests and explain why you find them interesting. "Hey, I see you play guitar. That's cool because I play bass, mostly because I simply can't wrap my brain around chords. Do you just play for fun or are you secretly a rockstar? I mostly play for fun -- definitely not looking to quit my day job!"

    Point out why it interests you, and use it to explain a bit about yourself. "Cats are cool; I've only owned dogs but my current dog is very cat friendly." "I see you're really into cycling -- is that a lifelong hobby or more recent? I've only been a runner myself but have thought about picking up cycling." "So you're in science? I couldn't get into chemistry in HS, but I passed at least! I think it's fascinating so I'm kind of sad I couldn't get more into it."

    Doesn't really matter what the matched interests are, but that's how you talk to people who aren't perfect matches of your own interests.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    And third in my mass of replies...
    Man, this girl I've been writing has me on the ropes as far as how to proceed. I wrote her first, we talked about how she was new in town, looking for friends, and after like 3 or 4 pleasant exchanges, I offered to meet for coffee somewhere, just as friends. She said no, only because she didn't know me well enough. Well we never stopped talking, and gotten 'closer' as far as penpals go, and as much as I want to ask 'so, convinced I'm not crazy yet?' I don't want to come off as a creeper. So I'm patiently waiting for her to take me up on that first offer. Which she's not. And even tonight, we got talking about disc golf, and I talked about playing, and first thing she writes back is 'but I don't know anyone who's much of an outdoors enthusiast'. After a whole night talking about how much I liked rafting, and she's been canoeing, and our times on beaches and rivers and etc etc. I swear, she's either oblivious or playing games very very well. And I'm still serious about just meeting AS FRIENDS!

    Do you want to go on a date with her, and is she still the only person you've been talking to?

    If you proposed a meetup and she turned you down, with the caveat that she doesn't know you well enough and continues to talk to you, I interpret that as an open invitation to bring it up again in the future. If she was champing at the bit to meet you, she would've likely said something more along the lines of "I'm busy this week, but maybe [two weeks in the future] or so?" The fact that she's been just very casually chatting with you tells me that she's simply not that invested in the relationship -- which is fine; it's just online and there's no real commitment or anything, and she's just getting to know you.

    But that also means that, if you still want to date her (or simply be in-person friends with her), you should feel comfortable bringing up the date again. Keep it simple -- "I'm happy we've been talking more, and I'd still be up for meeting in person."

    When I was messaging people, I never did the "as friends" thing on OKCupid. I got the impression that people saw it as a way for people to say "I want to meet you and check out the goods, without the idea that I'm actually interested in you romantically."

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • GlyphGryphGlyphGryph Registered User regular
    edited March 2012
    Woohoo! My date went pretty well!

    Dinner and drinks, went to her place and met her roomies, I gave each of them a lemon (I had way too many lemons), and we proceeded to partake in the Miracle Fruit I brought along and eat a whole plate of lemons, limes, and oranges. The trend of people not believing anything I say about my life and assuming I'm a liar until I show them pictures to prove it continues. Need to figure out how to make myself sound more believably I guess. Ended up just hanging out and cuddling and then... well, a little bit (but not TOO much) more than cuddling until I left.

    I don't think she was a fan of me letting her roommate drag me away for 15 minutes so I could hear him brag about his hovercraft, but by god do I love hovercraft. And at the very least I think there might be the potential for some good friends here, and we were discussing plans for a second date when I had to leave.

    Got another date today, a lunch date - not nearly as excited about that (would have been maybe two weeks ago when we started chatting...) but we'll see how it goes.

    Pretty happy right now, though. ^_^

    GlyphGryph on
  • UltimanecatUltimanecat Registered User regular
    Just want to go on the record that EggyToast once again has the right of it. Two highlights:

    -I'm pretty sure if you're a girl who is "one of the guys", you can absolutely reassert your femininity and have them notice. The question is, is that something you want to do? Are you put off by acting more feminine, or is it just something which you don't typically emphasize? While many men are attracted to femininity, its not a deal-changer or universal across the board.

    -While I can vaguely understand the reasons other people would be on a dating website but only looking for friends (hedging their bets, appearing noncommittal, currently in a relationship but looking to get out, just plain currently in a relationship, actually looking for friends, etc), I'm not sure it helps to play into that when looking for romance. If you're there to meet people and go on dates, make sure the people you meet are consistently aware of your intentions. Communication is the key to avoid mismatched feelings.

    SteamID : same as my PA forum name
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