Relationship woes

XOCentric · March 2012

Background: Me and my girlfriend of over a year are totally in love with each other. However, she has had to act very mature her whole life and has never done the partying thing. Her parents were not strict but her mother raised her to be domestic and to act ladylike (her mother is also a complete two-face cuntbag and resembles the worst Disney villain but thats another story). I am a few years older and have moved into the social drinks/conversations with good friends phase.

Situation: She wants to "take a break", go out and do the party thing with her friends in order to experience this phase and to not feel like she missed out. Then when she's ready (and undisclosed/unkown timeframe has passed), she wants to come back and settle down for good.

My counter-offer: To stay together and she has carte blanche to come and go as she pleases and go out whenever/wherever and Ill do my own thing. My only caveat being for her NOT to let other guys touch her or grind on her, as I feel this is completely innappropriate as would most morally grounded people.

Her reaction: That I should just let her go for now, and she wont sleep with anyone. But shell come back eventually.

My reaction: If she doesnt want to be with me now, she wont be with me later at a time of her choosing. I may have used the term "spoiled goods".

Am I justified for not feeling comfortable with her going out and letting strange men grind her shit simply because she never went through a party phase?

(I realize this is rhetorical, but I need a place to vent)

Advice? Thoughts?

minirhyder · March 2012

I think it's a bit unreasonable for her to expect you to wait around until she's done seeing what she's missed out on.
If she wants to go and party, she needs to break up with you and go party. She shouldn't try to string you along, making you wait until she's ready.

Out of curiosity, does she expect you to be completely celibate while she goes out experiencing whatever she missed?

XOCentric · March 2012

That never came up to be honest. I was too busy trying to broker a deal that accomodated both people.

It literally came down to: I just dont want you dancing with strange men. I may be old fashioned but dancing is an act of interest, and completely sexualized in the club scene.

She expressed that she cant be well rounded if shes never had to deal with guys creeping on her.

Im actually surprised I kept my cool throughout the discussion, because her thought process contained zero logic that I could make sense of.

Casually Hardcore · March 2012

Well, you can talk to her and ask her not to leave. But in the end it's her decision and there's nothing more you can do.

But I wouldn't wait around for her. I did that once and I wasted years trying to keep something together as she became more and more distant. The best thing I done was gotten over her and met someone who wanted a relationship with me.

Thanatos · March 2012

Yeah, I'm inclined to say that if she wants to take a break, go out and party, and be with other guys short of sleeping with them, then that's a fucking breakup, even if it's nominally temporary.

I think if she wants to do this, you break up; like, you're free to do what you want, and she's free to do what she wants, and if you get back together later, then great; if not, que sera, sera.

The whole "I want to go party with other guys, but I want you to wait around for me" is pretty much bullshit.

minirhyder · March 2012

Just to put it out there, it's entirely possible that if you don't let her go out and explore or whatever, she may resent you for it later on and you'll break up anyway. So I guess the cliche if you love her you'll let her go applies here.
It's a shitty situation, but there really aren't many options here

XOCentric · March 2012

@ Thanatos: I could stay celibate easily, as I've been away on training for months on end before and am used to making do, so to speak. The thing is, I cannot put my morals aside on account of love. My one standing rule has always and will always be: willfully make contact with another man in anything but a friendly/familiar way and I'm out, I make no differentiation for me between a willful kiss/sexual dancing and sleeping with someone.

She has known this since day one.

XOCentric · March 2012

@ minirhyder: I know, this is how I feel. She has even expressed that she might resent it years down the road if she doesnt do this thing.

I guess it's just hard for me to accept that my choices are between shit and poop.

naporeon · March 2012

She doesn't want to be with you anymore, at least not exclusively. She probably sees you as a bit of a wet blanket, and you're not helping your case by speaking in absolutes, telling her she'll be "spoiled goods", and making "counteroffers" -- in fact, you sound demanding, petulant, and controlling.

Just let her go, and, if you want to avoid this in the future, I'd personally suggest dating women closer to your own level of life experience.

Eat it You Nasty Pig. · March 2012

it's not really a matter of being celibate or not; she's basically asking you to remain emotionally attached while assuming none of that burden herself

if she doesn't think she can ultimately be content without doing the whole wild oats thing that's unfortunate for you, but it's an okay reason to break up. What's profoundly wrong is for her to ask you not to do the same.

Druhim · March 2012

Let her go and move on. She wants to go, maybe she genuinely intends to come back but it would be silly to wait around. If she decides later that she wants to get back together, re-evaluate at that time. And don't ever refer to a woman as "damaged goods" just because she's slept with other guys. You're not a goddamn teenager anymore. It's her business who she sleeps with and doesn't make her a slut just because she had sex with a dude other than you.

naporeon · March 2012

That "I'll come back later" line is usually just that: a line. She may genuinely believe she will, or maybe she just wants to let you down easy, but either way, in situations like this, "break" is just shorthand for "breakup".

Druhim · March 2012

Agreed. But even if she does actually come back a year later, do you really want to wait for her?

XOCentric · March 2012

@ Druhim: I didn't mean it in the sense of "you're a slut", it was my only way to articulate that I couldn't take her back if she wanted to "take a break" in order to sleep around or if sleeping around just happens. I know it's not my business who anyone sleeps with either. I slept with people before we went out, and she did too. It's the relationship *pause* sleep with people *pause* wanna go out again, that I can't/won't do.

If that makes sense?

Grid System · March 2012

naporeon wrote:

She doesn't want to be with you anymore, at least not exclusively. She probably sees you as a bit of a wet blanket, and you're not helping your case by speaking in absolutes, telling her she'll be "spoiled goods", and making "counteroffers" -- in fact, you sound demanding, petulant, and controlling.

Just let her go, and, if you want to avoid this in the future, I'd personally suggest dating women closer to your own level of life experience.

I'm with this guy. I would only add that you shouldn't be so quick to lay claim to the position of "most morally grounded people". Relationships should have boundaries that both sides agree on, and sometimes that will have to involve a compromise. All you need to justify the request that your girlfriend not grind or be ground on with strange men is that it would make you uncomfortable. Dressing it up as some kind of consensus moral high ground just makes it look like you're unwilling or unable to advocate for yourself on your own merits.

XOCentric · March 2012

@ naporean: I didn't use the term "counter-offer" in our discussion, it was to tidy up the OP a bit. She was even amenable to the idea of staying together but doing whatever she wanted until I tabled the stipulation that I don't want other guys touching her. Frankly I don't think most people would expect anything less. I certainly don't let strange women touch my shit, and if it happens they get nothing but a firm rebuke that I'm with someone. If I wanted that I'd be single and vice versa. I disagree with being labeled petulant or controlling as being in a relationship means letting go of certain single-persons habits no?

Essentially this is academic either way, as nothing I said made any difference in the outcome. It's just hard

naporeon · March 2012

I hear you, man. We've all been there, on one side or another: an otherwise good relationship where two people just aren't at the same place in their lives.

My best advice for your own sanity is to just break things off completely and respectfully. Don't be flowery and build up your actions or tear down hers. Just let her know that you respect her and that maybe you wish you were both in the same place, but you're not, so it's just best to end things.

In the end, you will feel better about yourself, and you will get over it more quickly if you handle it this way.

XOCentric · March 2012

@ naporeon: I agree but it's unfortunate. What's hard is that apart from the last week, we had an amazing relationship. Our life plans included being with each other and settling down among other things that came about from discussion.

I would dearly love to know where the blind-side came from. I know her mother never approved of me, and she has a single best friend who's a huge barstar. I doubt I will get any real closure tho, and that makes it shittier. Professionally I always ask for feedback after I'm done a major task so I can develop. It's hard pondering whether it's something that I could've fixed in my own behaviour.

Druhim · March 2012

You may be blind sided, but this is probably something she's been privately pondering for a while and keeping hidden from you simply because she didn't want to discuss it with you and wanted to make up her own mind. Just because it took you by surprise, that absolutely doesn't mean she hasn't given this a lot of thought.

Don't try and figure out where you "went wrong". You can't read her mind, so if you ask her then you have no way of telling if she's being entirely honest with you which makes the feedback of dubious value. There are many reasons for her to be dishonest with you either by outright lying or simply omission. She may mislead you out of maliciousness and resentment, or because she wants to protect your feelings, or simply because she wants to avoid an argument among just a few reasons. It also assumes that relationships end necessarily because one side fucked up. Often people just drift apart and their lives take them different directions. Instead of trying to figure out where the fault lies, just accept that she wants something else and let her go.

Usagi · March 2012

No, you though you two had a good relationship, but it sounds like she's been thinking about this for a while.

XOCentric · March 2012

@ Druhim/Usagi: It's hard to NOT think you had a good relationship when someone tells you that they love you all the time, that you're the love of their life, make them happy and that they can see you getting married someday. Especially when you feel the same way.

I guess that makes the blind-side exponentially worse lol. It's also hard NOT to think you personally fucked up somehow, despite the truth that people do drift apart.

It wasn't so much drifting apart as it was very sudden with no warning signs.

Druhim · March 2012

I realize that's how it seems to you. However that doesn't mean this was a sudden shift on her part. She probably has been pondering this for months. You just weren't aware of it.

Makershot · March 2012

You've go two scenarios:

1) She wants to break up with you but doesn't have the ovaries to do it directly. In this case, you should respectfully end it with her and move on.

2) She genuinely wants to explore for a bit before settling down with you. In this case, you should respectively end it with her and move on.

Scenario 1 is straightforward--end things amicably on the best terms possible, given the circumstances. Scenario 2 is a bit more involved--you're letting her get her wild oats on while maintaining your self-respect. It's a confident move, and while women are varied and mysterious, one universal truth generally applies--they love confidence.

Note the "respectfully" part, though. I know this seems sudden and your feelings are bruised, but pettiness will only make things worse.

zepherin · March 2012

I have always been a fan of clean breaks. I hate the slow degradation of a relationship it's the worst. If things are spiraling out of control, but she keeps coming back or I keep coming back and then it burns me I eventually force a clean break. She has in effect broken up with you. I've heard similar lines before, I need a break, I need some space, it isn't you it's me. In the end the result is the same. She is breaking up with you. Your counter offer misses the point, she doesn't want to be with you any more, and is bad at expressing that idea. Maybe she wants to party, maybe she just wants to have sex with someone else, who knows, not your problem any more.

Also Your ideas of spoiled goods, and that you don't want that, is going to leave you old and alone if they progress, because they increasingly become unrealistic the older you get. And after 30 it becomes increasingly unrealistic to date women with out children.

Nylonathetep · March 2012

My take on this:

She's unsure if there's anything out there that's better then you. If there is, then you are considered gone. If there isn't then she'll come back and settle down with you. AkA. you are her backup plan at this point.

You could ofcourse counter offer and ask if you could be with other girls during your "break"... However this is the sort of gambit that you'll ultimately lose.

It's not as bad as it makes out to be, if you can trust your girlfriend's words that she won't sleep around. I don't think being touched and grind a bit would "spoil" anything. Your biggest concern is if she does sleep around, or if she found someone better and never look back.

If she does come back knowing more stuff about herself sexually, then it's on you to up your game

Personally I would be okay with the proposal that she's offering up. It's actually a pretty big test to your relationship. as cliché as it sounds... "if you love someone let them go, if he/she comes back then you'll know he/she is meant to be." Quite frankly, if you keep a tight reign on her now, you'll lose her eventually.

P.S obligatory suggestion to watch "500 days of Summer"

XOCentric · March 2012

I'm thinking "spoiled goods" was a bad example on my part lol. As mentioned though it wasnt the idea of her being with other people, it was that I cant do a break and then "game-on!". A break is simply a kiddie-glove way to break UP, as mentioned above. That I agree with.

Momma didn't raise no plan B...

.

I appreciate the insight, it seems there's many views on relationships and all are valid.

Also, for the record I would date a woman who had a child, that's not a deal breaker for me. Infidelity on any level definetely is.

Darlan · March 2012

It's an unfortunate situation, but you should at least be grateful that she's talking about it with you beforehand and you have the option of breaking things off before any actual infidelity occurs. Sounds like you know what needs to be done, best of luck!

XOCentric · March 2012

So, it's now an official breakup. I took everyones advice and was very polite about it. I told her to go find happiness or some shit like that lol.

She wants to be friends naturally, says she wont be looking for anybody. Which Ive enough life XP to know means "we can talk for a bit until I find someone else", because I've had it said and said it before.

I told her I wasn't going to wait as it wasn't fair to me. To which she said "ok, but when I come back and you still want me, we can live happily ever after".

To which I replied "I dont know that I would let myself take you back after this, its been hurtful and a big breach of trust, only time will tell, but chances are I'll have moved on. I'm sorry."

Overall I think I've noticed a huge progression in the way I've handled this from previous iterations of my relationship-self. Young-me would have gone off on her and then drank himself into a depression. New-me is going to carry on with my career goals, work out a fit bod, and generally get my life moving in a positive way.

As they say: the best revenge is living well.

Thanks to all.

Druhim · March 2012

good to hear!

ceres · March 2012

She sounds really young. Chances are that she's right that she has a lot of growing up to do and a lot of experiences to have, but that doesn't mean you have to wait on her if you aren't comfortable and I'm glad to see that you're handling it well.

naporeon · March 2012

Great news. Well, as great as news of a breakup can be, anyway.

I would highly suggest keeping a little distance, at least at first. It sounds like you're handling it great, but it will be much easier to move on if you're not constantly exposed to her.

Best of luck.

XOCentric · March 2012

@ ceres: she's only a couple years younger, she just never did the party thing. Thanks for the input tho!

@ naporeon: distance will be hard, our organizations share the same building, it's how we met lol. I'll do my best though, but I'm not going to go out of my way to duck her all the time, as I'm usually all over that place managing my team. It's like herding goddamn cats!

naporeon · March 2012

Ha! I didn't mean that you should, you know, duck around a corner every time you see her coming...more that it would probably be a good idea to avoid hanging out with her, or talking on the phone any more than is necessary to retrieve any belongings that might have made it from one of your homes to the other. Intentionally avoiding her at work would not only be unprofessional, but potentially counterproductive.

However you decide to proceed, @XOCentric, I really want to commend you. It sounds like you've made some tough decisions here, because they were best for you. That's a great sign that everything's going to be fine, and soon.

flowerhoney · March 2012

Just want to say that I've been in the same situation as your girlfriend, in a great relationship with a wonderful boyfriend but unable to ignore this nagging feeling that maybe I'm missing out on something or that I feel a little more tied down and caged than I should. I think you did the right thing, even though its pretty damn tough.

Like naporeon says, you dont have to avoid her or be unfriendly or anything, just dont make plans together and wait awhile before you hang out in groups! Best of luck to you, I hope things work out

Limp moose · March 2012

You did the right thing. 3 months from now you will be much happier with yourself. Don't let the immediate situation get ya down. Plenty of fish in the sea that don't need time off to hook up on the side.

Ive been right where your at. It sucks. But you got the right attitude.

Penny Arcade

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