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XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
edited September 29 in Help / Advice Forum
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XOCentric on
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Posts

  • minirhyderminirhyder NYCRegistered User regular
    I think it's a bit unreasonable for her to expect you to wait around until she's done seeing what she's missed out on.
    If she wants to go and party, she needs to break up with you and go party. She shouldn't try to string you along, making you wait until she's ready.

    Out of curiosity, does she expect you to be completely celibate while she goes out experiencing whatever she missed?

  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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  • Casually HardcoreCasually Hardcore Registered User regular
    Well, you can talk to her and ask her not to leave. But in the end it's her decision and there's nothing more you can do.

    But I wouldn't wait around for her. I did that once and I wasted years trying to keep something together as she became more and more distant. The best thing I done was gotten over her and met someone who wanted a relationship with me.

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  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited March 2012
    Yeah, I'm inclined to say that if she wants to take a break, go out and party, and be with other guys short of sleeping with them, then that's a fucking breakup, even if it's nominally temporary.

    I think if she wants to do this, you break up; like, you're free to do what you want, and she's free to do what she wants, and if you get back together later, then great; if not, que sera, sera.

    The whole "I want to go party with other guys, but I want you to wait around for me" is pretty much bullshit.

    Thanatos on
  • minirhyderminirhyder NYCRegistered User regular
    Just to put it out there, it's entirely possible that if you don't let her go out and explore or whatever, she may resent you for it later on and you'll break up anyway. So I guess the cliche if you love her you'll let her go applies here.
    It's a shitty situation, but there really aren't many options here :/

  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    edited March 2012
    She doesn't want to be with you anymore, at least not exclusively. She probably sees you as a bit of a wet blanket, and you're not helping your case by speaking in absolutes, telling her she'll be "spoiled goods", and making "counteroffers" -- in fact, you sound demanding, petulant, and controlling.

    Just let her go, and, if you want to avoid this in the future, I'd personally suggest dating women closer to your own level of life experience.

    naporeon on
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    it's not really a matter of being celibate or not; she's basically asking you to remain emotionally attached while assuming none of that burden herself

    if she doesn't think she can ultimately be content without doing the whole wild oats thing that's unfortunate for you, but it's an okay reason to break up. What's profoundly wrong is for her to ask you not to do the same.

    gkcmatch_zps97480250.jpg
    remember pluto? Once a planet but now a pseudo
    funny how information changes the facts that you know
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Let her go and move on. She wants to go, maybe she genuinely intends to come back but it would be silly to wait around. If she decides later that she wants to get back together, re-evaluate at that time. And don't ever refer to a woman as "damaged goods" just because she's slept with other guys. You're not a goddamn teenager anymore. It's her business who she sleeps with and doesn't make her a slut just because she had sex with a dude other than you.

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  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    That "I'll come back later" line is usually just that: a line. She may genuinely believe she will, or maybe she just wants to let you down easy, but either way, in situations like this, "break" is just shorthand for "breakup".

  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Agreed. But even if she does actually come back a year later, do you really want to wait for her?

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  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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  • Grid SystemGrid System Registered User
    naporeon wrote:
    She doesn't want to be with you anymore, at least not exclusively. She probably sees you as a bit of a wet blanket, and you're not helping your case by speaking in absolutes, telling her she'll be "spoiled goods", and making "counteroffers" -- in fact, you sound demanding, petulant, and controlling.

    Just let her go, and, if you want to avoid this in the future, I'd personally suggest dating women closer to your own level of life experience.

    I'm with this guy. I would only add that you shouldn't be so quick to lay claim to the position of "most morally grounded people". Relationships should have boundaries that both sides agree on, and sometimes that will have to involve a compromise. All you need to justify the request that your girlfriend not grind or be ground on with strange men is that it would make you uncomfortable. Dressing it up as some kind of consensus moral high ground just makes it look like you're unwilling or unable to advocate for yourself on your own merits.

  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    I hear you, man. We've all been there, on one side or another: an otherwise good relationship where two people just aren't at the same place in their lives.

    My best advice for your own sanity is to just break things off completely and respectfully. Don't be flowery and build up your actions or tear down hers. Just let her know that you respect her and that maybe you wish you were both in the same place, but you're not, so it's just best to end things.

    In the end, you will feel better about yourself, and you will get over it more quickly if you handle it this way.

  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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    XOCentric on
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  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2012
    You may be blind sided, but this is probably something she's been privately pondering for a while and keeping hidden from you simply because she didn't want to discuss it with you and wanted to make up her own mind. Just because it took you by surprise, that absolutely doesn't mean she hasn't given this a lot of thought.

    Don't try and figure out where you "went wrong". You can't read her mind, so if you ask her then you have no way of telling if she's being entirely honest with you which makes the feedback of dubious value. There are many reasons for her to be dishonest with you either by outright lying or simply omission. She may mislead you out of maliciousness and resentment, or because she wants to protect your feelings, or simply because she wants to avoid an argument among just a few reasons. It also assumes that relationships end necessarily because one side fucked up. Often people just drift apart and their lives take them different directions. Instead of trying to figure out where the fault lies, just accept that she wants something else and let her go.

    Druhim on
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  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    No, you though you two had a good relationship, but it sounds like she's been thinking about this for a while.

    Jormungandr? Damn near killed 'er!
    HEY SATAN | WISH POST
  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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    XOCentric on
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  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    I realize that's how it seems to you. However that doesn't mean this was a sudden shift on her part. She probably has been pondering this for months. You just weren't aware of it.

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  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread King of the Forest Camphor TreeRegistered User regular
    You've go two scenarios:

    1) She wants to break up with you but doesn't have the ovaries to do it directly. In this case, you should respectfully end it with her and move on.

    2) She genuinely wants to explore for a bit before settling down with you. In this case, you should respectively end it with her and move on.

    Scenario 1 is straightforward--end things amicably on the best terms possible, given the circumstances. Scenario 2 is a bit more involved--you're letting her get her wild oats on while maintaining your self-respect. It's a confident move, and while women are varied and mysterious, one universal truth generally applies--they love confidence.

    Note the "respectfully" part, though. I know this seems sudden and your feelings are bruised, but pettiness will only make things worse.

  • zepherinzepherin Registered User regular
    I have always been a fan of clean breaks. I hate the slow degradation of a relationship it's the worst. If things are spiraling out of control, but she keeps coming back or I keep coming back and then it burns me I eventually force a clean break. She has in effect broken up with you. I've heard similar lines before, I need a break, I need some space, it isn't you it's me. In the end the result is the same. She is breaking up with you. Your counter offer misses the point, she doesn't want to be with you any more, and is bad at expressing that idea. Maybe she wants to party, maybe she just wants to have sex with someone else, who knows, not your problem any more.

    Also Your ideas of spoiled goods, and that you don't want that, is going to leave you old and alone if they progress, because they increasingly become unrealistic the older you get. And after 30 it becomes increasingly unrealistic to date women with out children.

  • NylonathetepNylonathetep Registered User regular
    edited March 2012
    My take on this:

    She's unsure if there's anything out there that's better then you. If there is, then you are considered gone. If there isn't then she'll come back and settle down with you. AkA. you are her backup plan at this point.

    You could ofcourse counter offer and ask if you could be with other girls during your "break"... However this is the sort of gambit that you'll ultimately lose.

    It's not as bad as it makes out to be, if you can trust your girlfriend's words that she won't sleep around. I don't think being touched and grind a bit would "spoil" anything. Your biggest concern is if she does sleep around, or if she found someone better and never look back.

    If she does come back knowing more stuff about herself sexually, then it's on you to up your game :)

    Personally I would be okay with the proposal that she's offering up. It's actually a pretty big test to your relationship. as cliché as it sounds... "if you love someone let them go, if he/she comes back then you'll know he/she is meant to be." Quite frankly, if you keep a tight reign on her now, you'll lose her eventually.


    P.S obligatory suggestion to watch "500 days of Summer"

    Nylonathetep on
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  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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  • DarlanDarlan Registered User regular
    edited March 2012
    It's an unfortunate situation, but you should at least be grateful that she's talking about it with you beforehand and you have the option of breaking things off before any actual infidelity occurs. Sounds like you know what needs to be done, best of luck!

    Darlan on
    PSN: Toids42
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  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2012
    good to hear!

    Druhim on
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  • ceresceres Just your problem OooModerator mod
    She sounds really young. Chances are that she's right that she has a lot of growing up to do and a lot of experiences to have, but that doesn't mean you have to wait on her if you aren't comfortable and I'm glad to see that you're handling it well.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
    Dear Satan...
  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    Great news. Well, as great as news of a breakup can be, anyway.

    I would highly suggest keeping a little distance, at least at first. It sounds like you're handling it great, but it will be much easier to move on if you're not constantly exposed to her.

    Best of luck.

  • XOCentricXOCentric Registered User regular
    edited September 29
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  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    Ha! I didn't mean that you should, you know, duck around a corner every time you see her coming...more that it would probably be a good idea to avoid hanging out with her, or talking on the phone any more than is necessary to retrieve any belongings that might have made it from one of your homes to the other. Intentionally avoiding her at work would not only be unprofessional, but potentially counterproductive.

    However you decide to proceed, @XOCentric, I really want to commend you. It sounds like you've made some tough decisions here, because they were best for you. That's a great sign that everything's going to be fine, and soon.

  • flowerhoneyflowerhoney Registered User regular
    Just want to say that I've been in the same situation as your girlfriend, in a great relationship with a wonderful boyfriend but unable to ignore this nagging feeling that maybe I'm missing out on something or that I feel a little more tied down and caged than I should. I think you did the right thing, even though its pretty damn tough.

    Like naporeon says, you dont have to avoid her or be unfriendly or anything, just dont make plans together and wait awhile before you hang out in groups! Best of luck to you, I hope things work out

  • Limp mooseLimp moose Registered User regular
    You did the right thing. 3 months from now you will be much happier with yourself. Don't let the immediate situation get ya down. Plenty of fish in the sea that don't need time off to hook up on the side.

    Ive been right where your at. It sucks. But you got the right attitude.

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