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So this girl wants me to cheat with her.

Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
edited April 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
I don't want to, if that's not obvious. Here's the issue. This girl is a bit.. off, I'll say. A very drama-seeking person. I wouldn't put it past her to tell my GF that we've slept together.

Now, normally this wouldn't be an issue (there's no evidence of any kind, no texts or what-have-you). Problem is, the last BF of my GF cheated on her and as such she's rather paranoid, I guess, about it. Obviously I don't blame her for this. However, I'm mortally afraid the girl will pull something (apparently it's happened before) and I'm not sure what to do. Should I pre-empt my GF that she might try it? Or is that suspicious in an of itself? Right now I'm just saying "I'll think about it" in a joking manner and praying she'll let it drop.

Also, it's a 'friend' of a friend so no, I didn't go seeking this girl out, I just happened to be in the same place as her. In a time when I'm struggling to find work and make ends meet, my GF means a whole lot to me and I'd very much like to keep things going smoothly. This really sucks.

Posts

  • joshgotrojoshgotro Bloat much? Columbus, OhioRegistered User regular
    Be honest. Tell her the crazy chick is trying to get at your piece.

  • BalgairBalgair Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    If you're truly resolved to being faithful to your girlfriend, you fucked up when you said "I'll think about," joking or not. Assuming your girlfriend "means a whole lot" to you, you should rectify things by telling the other girl immediately and with absolute clarity that you're not interested.

    In the event that you are, in fact, interested-- break up with your girlfriend.

    Balgair on
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  • CryogenCryogen Registered User regular
    I think saying "I'll think about it" to the other girl is a huge mistake. Tell her no, flat out and with no ambiguity. Then make every effort to not be alone with her at any time.

    For your gf, that's slightly more tricky. Obviously, you don't want to upset her unnecessarily. Personally, I think I'd tell her, especially if this other girl is on the crazy side. Maybe something along the lines of "I can't believe the nerve of this bitch Girl Girlington. Why can't she find someone single? Unbelievable!" while displaying clear annoyance? That's what comes to me as that would be my reaction anyway. But how you phrase it would depend on your usual personality, and that of your gf.

    Alternatively, you don't NEED to mention it, as nothing has happened. If other girl tries to start rumours, you deny them honestly. Being open at that point would be comforting. If your gf is skeptical, hand her your phone and go through it with her, show her your email history, all calmly and openly.

    I sympathize with your gf, being cheated on leaves you with a lot of trust issues so just be honest and supportive regardless of which way you choose to deal with the situation.

  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    It was literally "Yeah, I'll soo think about it.". Otherwise she would not let it drop, at all. Like strangers were staring at us.

    Edit: I also told my friend to not invite me if they know she's there. I also, thankfully, made sure no one tells her my email and/or phone number. I pray to someone she doesn't find it, either.

    Edit 2: I'm not interested at all, even if I was single.

    Edit 3: Like I said, there is no evidence to support her and my friends would back me up. If I didn't know my GF had been cheated on, I wouldn't even give a shit what she said. Like, I'm not worried about appearing to be a bad guy cause I know I'm not, I just really, really, really don't want my GF to be hurt in any way that can be avoided.

    Magus` on
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    If you don't want your girlfriend hurt then tell her. Because if she finds out some other way she'll be hurt it didn't come from you no matter what you did. better an uncomfortable conversation now then a blow up later.

    And honestly, if you don't tell her she will have every right to be pissed at you. So suck it up and talk to her about it.

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  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    Probably would help to have people who know the girl and what she does, right? Be like, "This girl is trying to start stuff and Marty and Sue here have known her for 10 years and that's the kind of shit she pulls."?

  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu ___________PIGEON _________San Diego, CA Registered User regular
    Not sure you really need independent witnesses to corroborate your story. It's not a court case or something. You're just telling your GF what's up.

  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    I suppose so, and if she seems wary or the other girl does something, I have people who can attest to her behaviour.

    Hrm.. now how to go about it.

  • JusticeforPlutoJusticeforPluto Skavenblight Scramblers The Bestest CheatersRegistered User regular
    If you don't tell your gf and she finds out about the offer, it may look like you were trying to hind something from her.

  • GaslightGaslight Registered User regular
    Full disclosure to your girlfriend now is the best course of action.

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  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    Yeah I'll talk to her tomorrow. Ironically she's sick with some sort of stomach bug right now. This is gonna be fun times.

  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    Be honest with your girlfriend. She deserves to hear this, and from you.

    And I will tell you from experience that you do not want to be in a long-term relationship with someone who is unable to take your word for something like this. Her past is really no excuse for her to freak out at you about this. Go to her, be honest, polite, and gentle -- if she doesn't take your word for it, it will only presage even bigger trouble down the road.

    Paranoia, whether or not it is based on past experience, is not carte blanche to be unreasonable.

  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    Well, to be fair, I only ASSUMED she might freak out. Honestly I'm pretty bad at judging outcomes like that. Having been cheated on myself (there's even a thread here!) I know how it feels to not trust people, especially someone that close to you.

    I'm hoping it goes well. No reason to play it up either, just say some girl was flirting and hitting on me pretty heavily and didn't seem to get that I wasn't interested.

    Edit: The sad thing is no one warned me about her. Like had I known I would've avoided her at all cost. I thought the flirting (it was REALLY overt) was just her joking around and when I realized she wasn't joking I was like.. balls.

    Magus` on
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    Tell her. I"d want to know if some chick was making moves on my SO, and it would make me feel better to know that my boyfriend wanted to be open and honest. Hiding it only looks suspicious.

  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    Yeah, I'm gonna. It's not that I was trying to hide anything, but I didn't wanna make a mountain out of a molehill, either. Of the two it feels like this is the safest/smartest route.

  • EsseeEssee The pinkest of hair. Victoria, BCRegistered User regular
    edited April 2012
    I think possibly the best way to handle this would be like "Hey [girlfriend], this chick who hangs out with some of my friends keeps hitting on me and refuses to stop even though she knows I'm with you. I want her to leave me alone. I'm telling my friends not to invite me if they think she's gonna be around, but this is getting really annoying. What do you think I should do to get her to back off?" Because then you're letting your girlfriend in on what's going on, and furthermore you're asking her own (female) advice on how to get this chick to stop pestering you since you obviously don't want to be with that chick, you want to be with your girlfriend.

    Edit: And once you've had the conversation, the next time you run into the girl, tell her NO and to leave you alone because you aren't into her, you're into your girlfriend. Once you've talked to your girlfriend she shouldn't be able to screw with the two of you.

    Essee on
  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    Yeah I've got a plan of attack, so to speak. Thanks all, I really appreciate it.

  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Hi! Registered User regular
    Yeah, you should have told creepy girl to fuck off right sharpish from the beginning.

    Tell your missus about this RFN, and then make the very next thing you do be telling Ms. Creepster to, and I mean this, get the fuck away, and stay the fuck away.

    You can't pussy-foot around about things this serious, you need to lay it out clear as day.

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  • GoodOmensGoodOmens Registered User regular
    This appears to be one of those "don't call the other girl, don't text the other girl, don't talk to the other girl, don't contact the other girl in any way" sorta things. If she's a friend of a friend, is it a social situation where you can cut off all contact with her without severely fucking up other relationships?

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  • WezoinWezoin Registered User regular
    Ok, here's the thing. I can't say I entirely blame you for taking the joke route to try to evade her, it is the much less awkward way to deal with this type of situation. HOWEVER, when she persisted beyond 'not taking the hint' you need to really go out of your way to say "Look, you're a nice person, I really like you as a friend, BUT I am in a relationship, would never cheat on ________________, and continuing in this line of discussion is both inappropriate and futile. Please cease this behaviour immediately or I'm afraid our friendship will have to be sacrificed to preserve my relationship with ______________, with whom I am very much in love."

    I would advise you to tell your girlfriend about the situation, and to frame it in a way that is both honest and clear in its explanation that you are in no way interested in becoming sexually or emotionally involved with this girl. If she finds about it before you tell her, your relationship is in serious danger. If you try to act like you did the absolute right thing and said "Uh no." and she finds out, your relationship is in serious danger. If you tell her the honest truth she may be upset with you, but will (should, hopefully) accept that it was a mistake, and that you were just trying to preserve a friendship and correct the inappropriate activity without causing offence to the offender. In this way she will hopefully understand that you were simply trying to avoid causing a high degree of social awkwardness and were seeking the most diplomatic solution to a difficult situation.

  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    Things are ok now, it seems. Told the GF, she said she understood. As I said earlier, told my friends to keep the girl away from me.. but it's a small town, so we'll see how that goes. Luckily I'm not much of a social butterfly.

    Still, what an annoying situation!

  • HewnHewn Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    Good to hear. Sound like you did well. In the future, please take everybody's overwhelming advice and be totally 100% up front that you are taken, off the market, and want nothing to do with other women. You dodged a bullet that joke didn't come back to haunt you.

    Hewn on
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  • tarnoktarnok Registered User regular
    If there's one thing I've learned from tv it is that talking to people is the anti-drama. Tell your friends what's going on and you can short-circuit all sorts of mischief. Crazy drama people thrive in an environment of paranoid silence because their manipulation relies on people not comparing notes.

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  • Magus`Magus` Registered User regular
    Hewn wrote: »
    Good to hear. Sound like you did well. In the future, please take everybody's overwhelming advice and be totally 100% up front that you are taken, off the market, and want nothing to do with other women. You dodged a bullet that joke didn't come back to haunt you.

    Oh I did, which is why I was sure she was joking. She was so insistent I thought it had to be a joke. I wasn't meaning to leave myself open to anything. :P

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