Bios suck. Let's write them for each other

Quoth · April 2012

Most of us have had to write a short bio for some reason or other. It sucks a golf ball through a garden hose. You try to figure out what on earth makes you more interesting than wet paint, and convey it in a few brief sentences.

Screw that. Let's write amusing bios for each other. Be bold. Be outlandish. Above all, be entertaining. Try to keep it under 100 words.

By posting a bio, you allow the person to use said bio without attribution when submitting work to zines and journals and whatnot. No caveats. If the person wants to be nice and thank you on a blog or something, rad, but it's not required. Posting an acknowledgment here would also be good, so we can all point and laugh.

Quoth · April 2012

Wank is an accomplished pianist and fourth degree black belt. Among friends, he is known as the Platypus Whisperer.

Quoth · April 2012

Vanity Pants raises alpacas on a small farm in Colorado. He specializes in a breed that yields incredibly soft fur in an alarming shade of chartreuse. In his spare time, he performs with the amateur yodeling group Jo Mama's Minstrels.

spcmnspff · April 2012

Quoth spent her twenties in a winebago with Charles Bukowski. She is purported to have written at least half of his poems and to be the only woman to ever make him cry. She confides to friends that the day they took Crystal Pepsi off the shelves is the day they both died.

Quoth · April 2012

spcmnspff boasts a world-renowned collection of miniature robots and rare bird eggs. He has been struck by lightning not once, but four times, always in the same spot in a peat bog in the Shetland Islands.

Edcrab · April 2012

Quoth wrote: »

spcmnspff boasts a world-renowned collection of miniature robots and rare bird eggs. He has been struck by lightning not once, but four times, always in the same spot in a peat bog in the Shetland Islands.

He says that's the only time he's ever really felt alive.

spcmnspff · April 2012

Edcrab wrote: »

Quoth wrote: »

spcmnspff boasts a world-renowned collection of miniature robots and rare bird eggs. He has been struck by lightning not once, but four times, always in the same spot in a peat bog in the Shetland Islands.

He says that's the only time he's ever really felt alive.

It's the only time I've ever really felt alive.

Quoth · April 2012

Edcrab is a local pub quiz champion and noted phlebotomist. He was voted Most Likely to Sing While Drunk by his college fraternity, Eta Iota Pi, aka the Pi Guys.

Quoth · April 2012

Amalia recently returned from an expedition to the Amazon rainforest, where she discovered a new species of six-toed frog. She is an ardent fan of Mexican wrestling; her favorite luchador is El Trueno.

Magell · April 2012

Beast is a man once described as a 'Sexual Tyrannous' somebody though it was clever and used it in a movie. Rumors say he has ran around the world several times, in fact it was only once.

Magell · April 2012

Traikan once wrote a bad song. Nickelback bought it and named it "Photograph." Is also a champion at a staring contests with robots with an undefeated streak and is currently engaged in a duel with Compu-bot 6500 that has lasted 56 hours.

Magell · April 2012

Despite the name Vanity Pants has never worn pants, and doesn't like them. The hair on his lower body is thick enough that he has woven it into a pantslike piece of clothing. He is the opposite of Batman.

Munkus Beaver · April 2012

Quoth is most well known for her work, Snarky Remarks On That Dress (circa prom). She has an unmurdered husband and a child that she loves. She aims to be a powerful woman in the literary world, like Medea. Other authors beware: she does not love you enough not to kill you.

Munkus Beaver · April 2012

Edcrab once got drunk and called some lush a whore. To date this treatise has been influential in the greater Sherwood Forest, where he lives with his wife Robin Hood Queen Victoria.

MKR · April 2012

Quoth knows what a murder of crows is and uses the word "einhander."

MKR · April 2012

Edcrab is a robot who is an ed and a crab.

MKR · April 2012

Munkus writes between conquests.

Quoth · April 2012

MKR is the last surviving heir to the Robinson consumer goods empire, which produces cheap knock-offs of name brand small appliances like blenders and coffee makers. He does all his writing on a luxury yacht, drifting aimlessly around the Florida Keys, only docking to refuel and take on provisions.

MKR · April 2012

Mystery Coffee and KitschNaide are legitimate brands, not knock-offs. Now if you don't mind, I need to go brew a pot of Gondoliva coffee for the long trip.

Quoth · April 2012

Beast is an MMA fighter and marathoner who eschews sneakers for bare feet. In his spare time, he campaigns for the inclusion of various slang words and phrases in the Oxford English Dictionary; his current focus is alternate definitions for "cooter."

tapeslinger · April 2012

Quoth is best known for having the most adorable baby on the planet. As a result, in the past six months alone, she's had to change her name and go into hiding a minimum of 12 times, each with progressively more elaborate disguises.

VanityPants · April 2012

BEAST is a man--or at least, that's what he wants you to believe. BEAST is an advanced artificial life form convinced that he's been sent back in time to correct the course of humanity through a series of extensive one night stands with all of the Doctor Who companions. When he's not working furiously to attain these goals, he is an avid cat farmer and writer of historical fictions which have been called "triumphs of human sexuality."

Quoth · April 2012

Tapeslinger runs a summer camp for writers in Brooklyn that encourages observation, introspection, and the cultivation of an obscure drinking habit. She is also a DJ on a pirate radio station operated on an old tugboat off the coast of New Jersey.

VanityPants · April 2012

Quoth once attained fame and fortune under the pen name Patrick Rothfuss, but after tiring of paparazzi and having wanton ladies throwing panties at her on tour, she's retired to a life off the coast of Florida on a private island where she spends her time tinkering with the space time continuum and wearing berets.

ElJeffe · April 2012

Magell, named after a popular brand of 70s hair product, spent his formative years mastering the zen art of kitten banzai. When not writing, he dedicates his time to maintenance of his vast kitten garden and to running his flagship enterprise, The Hare Club For Hunting Dogs. Magell - because you know you deserve the best.

ElJeffe · April 2012

Having written 27 stories already prior to his birth, Wank is among the most prolific writers in all of that one little town he lives in. He throws a mean left hook, having lost his left hand in a freak Duplo accident and subsequently replacing it with an actual hook. His lifelong goals include conquering a small island nation through the power of song and also the power of skilled mercenaries, wrestling a llama, and being old enough to vote.

Endless_Serpents · April 2012

ElJeffe is a man. As a man he abhors violence, but its capable of it in the defence of others. As a man he knows justice, but would rather teach a villain the right way than punish them outright. As a man he is strong, yet tender. As a man he believes in love and hope and the inherent goodness of humanity. As a man ElJeffe likes to wear stockings and vintage bras, but he is no less a man.

Munkus Beaver · April 2012

"Spanish is just another word for sexy." These words made ElJeffe an overnight success, catapulting him to the forefront of autobiographical slash fiction. Though he hides his terrible secret from his children in shame, he is never too proud to flaunt his wealth with a Big Gulp Diet Slice and a Family Size Twizzlers.

Quoth · April 2012

Munkus Beaver was featured on his local news station for his ability to bench press a city bus. He once completed a hundred-meter free-dive to retrieve a camera his friend dropped into Dean's Blue Hole in the Bahamas. The camera reportedly contained pictures of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Nude.

Endless_Serpents · April 2012

Quoth has appeared in a wide variety of strange and wonderful publications, including brief appearances in Sandman Mystery Theatre, the works of Edgar Allan Poe, a number of fables and various Native American religions. Having amassed a wealth of literary experience (and becoming vexed at being type-cast during her time working with the Brothers Grimm) she has since moved on to writing her own tales.

Penny Arcade

Bios suck. Let's write them for each other

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