Posts

• chiasaur11 Never doubt a raccoon. Registered User regular

  May 2012

  Not much for analysis shortform, and when I go longer I lean heavy on BS, but this seemed pretty good.
  
  Not sure if making the

  Spoiler:

  whole synapses living on in the drone thing explicit is exactly needed. Love the line "each man found his own form of penance", but as it stands it feels a bit like a proclamation from on high and not like the main character deciding that's what happened. Little too pat.

  
  And the lead's discontent with the war and the world arising therefrom might have been pounded in a little heavy. Not appreciating the poster told us a fair bit of it. I mean, little more works, but maybe there's a little too much.
  
  Altogether, though, it's pretty solid.

  

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• Wank Registered User regular

  May 2012

  chiasaur11 wrote: »

  Not much for analysis shortform, and when I go longer I lean heavy on BS, but this seemed pretty good.
  
  Not sure if making the

  Spoiler:

  whole synapses living on in the drone thing explicit is exactly needed. Love the line "each man found his own form of penance", but as it stands it feels a bit like a proclamation from on high and not like the main character deciding that's what happened. Little too pat.

  
  And the lead's discontent with the war and the world arising therefrom might have been pounded in a little heavy. Not appreciating the poster told us a fair bit of it. I mean, little more works, but maybe there's a little too much.
  
  Altogether, though, it's pretty solid.

  
  Thanks for the read! Would you just have him look back at Belise and cut the internal thought process? As for the discontent, are you thinking of when he throws the Coke bottle?

  I write speculative fiction, too.

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• chiasaur11 Never doubt a raccoon. Registered User regular

  May 2012

  Wank wrote: »

  chiasaur11 wrote: »

  Not much for analysis shortform, and when I go longer I lean heavy on BS, but this seemed pretty good.
  
  Not sure if making the

  Spoiler:

  whole synapses living on in the drone thing explicit is exactly needed. Love the line "each man found his own form of penance", but as it stands it feels a bit like a proclamation from on high and not like the main character deciding that's what happened. Little too pat.

  
  And the lead's discontent with the war and the world arising therefrom might have been pounded in a little heavy. Not appreciating the poster told us a fair bit of it. I mean, little more works, but maybe there's a little too much.
  
  Altogether, though, it's pretty solid.

  
  Thanks for the read! Would you just have him look back at Belise and cut the internal thought process? As for the discontent, are you thinking of when he throws the Coke bottle?

  
  I got the impression from when it said "Iguo did not admire the artwork."
  
  Conveyed a lot with a little.
  
  After there was just maybe one too many mentions of his issues with robots and jadedness. Not a huge thing, but a little more economy might work better.
  
  And yeah. Trimming the thought process might help, although it loses some good lines.

  

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• ruzkin Registered User regular

  May 2012

  Finished reading. Still processing. Will comment again soon. This comment here is so I can't avoid giving a full critique.

  

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• ruzkin Registered User regular

  May 2012

  Okay, okay.
  
  1) Great setting, beautiful prose.
  2) The slow reveal of what a ghost girl was and their role in tribal culture was excellent.
  3) From the first mention of the Razor, I knew he would be sitting in that robot. I don't know how to fix this. Maybe he needs to be mentioned earlier, along with a number of other criminals-at-large, to disguise his upcoming role?
  4) The back and forth between the taxi and the top of the garbage pile is offputting. Doesn't feel like it serves the flow of the story.
  5) "Rufykiri’s synapses swimming through a metal shell, unable to feel, unable to taste. Unable to speak to his daughter, but able to keep her alive. Iguo supposed that each man found his own form of penance" Feels like authorial intrusion. Can you show us this without being so... tell-y?
  6) Perfect ending, change nothing.

  

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