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Girl advice, help!

Ice-NineIce-Nine Registered User regular
edited May 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
Redacted post, soz

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Posts

  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    One awkward experience won't undo everything, as far as being anxious goes, it's fairly natural, just realise it's nothing to lose your head over, take it fairly slowly and enjoy yourself

    also what you wrote is basically softcore, maybe dial that down a bit

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  • Ice-NineIce-Nine Registered User regular
    edited May 2012
    Sorry, just wanted to provide context so there's a sense of what her interest was before, and if I can still salvage this.

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  • GafotoGafoto Registered User regular
    Of course you can, there's nothing wrong with being nervous the first time around. Try something besides full intercourse with her to get comfortable, you don't have to just jump into sex right away. If she isn't understanding then obviously she isn't worth your time. Be open and honest and communicate with her about this.

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  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    You should definitely stop apologizing to her and bringing up last night. Forget about it. I don't know exactly what your texts said today, but she's probably far more freaked out by how you handled it afterwards rather than that you didn't go through with it. Maybe call her tomorrow before she leaves and ask if she's free next weekend for you to come visit.

    Honestly though, if she's an hour away and you've only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, it's going to take a lot of effort on both sides to make something of this relationship.

    daniant wrote:
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  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    Figgy wrote: »
    You should definitely stop apologizing to her and bringing up last night. Forget about it. I don't know exactly what your texts said today, but she's probably far more freaked out by how you handled it afterwards rather than that you didn't go through with it. Maybe call her tomorrow before she leaves and ask if she's free next weekend for you to come visit.

    Honestly though, if she's an hour away and you've only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, it's going to take a lot of effort on both sides to make something of this relationship.

    Yeah, you apologise and say it was your fault.

    But don't keep telling her it's cool to break up with. Don't encourage that.

  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    It's not your job to give her reasons to stop seeing you

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  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread King of the Forest Camphor TreeRegistered User regular
    1) As another fellow who was raised religious and later grew out of it, I can relate. Do know that everyone has anxiety with their first time, so it's not at all you... but yes, your background does put a lot of importance to it, and therefore you will be a bit more nervous, despite giving up the faith. That will be something that you'll have to address, but at least you know it's there. But I want to reiterate--everyone has anxiety with their first time, so although yours might be highlighted, it's still normal

    2) I would invite her out for one last hurrah before she leaves, then explain things as SIMPLY as you can. It's not her fault, she's goddamn sexy, but your upbringing has gotten you a bit hung up over the issue of sex. Apologize. You'd like to get past it, but it's not been easy, and your interaction on the past X night was part of that. Here's the tough part... you have to do this with a matter-of-fact confidence. You don'y have to be brash or cocky, but at the same time nobody wants to hear someone spill their guts with a whiny tone, expecting you to swoop in and solve your problems, so don't put her up to that.

    3) There was no three, but I'll put it forward: learn from this. Think about what went right and put it to use, and think about what went wrong and try and amend it in the future.

  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    Stop over-thinking every little thing and stop apologizing.

  • mythagomythago Registered User regular
    Hi, girl here.

    1) It's okay. You don't HAVE to have sex if you're not ready. Being a virgin isn't some character flaw or a sign that you're messed up. If you're too anxious to have full-on sex just yet, then don't. There's a lot of stuff you can do between holding hands and intercourse.

    2) You did the right thing in letting her know that you had anxiety and it was about you, not her. (Straight women get a pretty consistent message that men will fuck anything that's slippery and holds still, therefore if a guy DOESN'T want to fuck you, you're the most disgusting, unattractive piece of shit on the planet; "it's not you" explains this isn't what's going on.) Having said that, STOP APOLOGIZING.

    Also, if you want to break up with her, then do it. Don't put it on her. Believe me, she knows she can dump you if she wants to or isn't happy with the way things are going. Stop putting her in the position of reassuring you.

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  • HotandnerdyHotandnerdy Registered User
    Okay so this is going to sound weird but I was brought up in a very very strict Nazarene Faith. No dancing, No movies, No nothing. Boys scared the shit out of me. Sex scared the shit out of me. I had more social anxiety about boys or even dressing attractive.

    Here is what one of my best friends did and it may sound a bit odd. She put me in her room and turned on some porn. Freaked me the F out at first and then it desensitized me. Seeing an extreme made me realize all the stuff guys do for me is really innocent and that it was normal. Anyways....might work for you.

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  • Ice-NineIce-Nine Registered User regular
    edited May 2012
    Thanks for the replies all, I feel a lot better about it.
    mythago wrote: »
    Hi, girl here.

    1) It's okay. You don't HAVE to have sex if you're not ready. Being a virgin isn't some character flaw or a sign that you're messed up. If you're too anxious to have full-on sex just yet, then don't. There's a lot of stuff you can do between holding hands and intercourse.

    2) You did the right thing in letting her know that you had anxiety and it was about you, not her. (Straight women get a pretty consistent message that men will fuck anything that's slippery and holds still, therefore if a guy DOESN'T want to fuck you, you're the most disgusting, unattractive piece of shit on the planet; "it's not you" explains this isn't what's going on.) Having said that, STOP APOLOGIZING.

    Also, if you want to break up with her, then do it. Don't put it on her. Believe me, she knows she can dump you if she wants to or isn't happy with the way things are going. Stop putting her in the position of reassuring you.

    So I sure as hell DON'T want to break up with her. I just never want a girl to feel bothered/pressured by me, and she seemed to respect that. To make a long story short, she just clicked well with me on a number of levels. When I first asked her out, I started by saying I'm really shy but I thought she's cute and I'd like to hang out. She told me that's why she said yes.

    I sent her a text last night, asking how she felt. I said I wanted her and she wanted me, but I was just too nervous. Also said she's hot as hell (I worried that she thought it was because she's not beautiful, when she's really quite sexy). This was probably a mistake to send.

    She didn't respond, and I thought, "If she doesn't respond I'm deleting her number and I'll never talk to her again." I deleted all of our text conversations, and I had my finger hovering over "delete contact." Here's the reason: I don't want to be that guy whose some loser who won't get the girl he likes but he keeps bothering her. And if I don't have a shot with a girl, I don't want to be tempted to contact her, I'd rather put it out of my mind by ending the possibility.

    But I don't understand how girls feel so I guess it's better to give it some time even if it hurts.

    How long should I wait before I contact her? If she's already gone back home, should I just try talking to her for a bit before asking if I could visit?

    Ice-Nine on
  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    The ball is in her court. Your latest texts weren't exactly the best course of action, but sending another one is going to be even worse.

    If you're not quite sure why sending those texts was a bad move, here's why:

    "Hey, how are you feeling about the other night? I want you. You want me. And you're hot as hell."

    That might not be the verbiage you used, but that's your own summary, and that's what she's going to get out of it. You've likely ruined this relationship, but let me make it clear that it's not because you didn't have sex with her that night. It's how you behaved after.

    Desperate. Needy. Not confidant.

    Leave it alone now. She's either going to message you one day or she won't. Whatever you do, don't keep sending her texts.

    daniant wrote:
    Alright, looks like I'm giving up golden showers for Lent.
    XBL : Figment3 · SteamID : Figment · Website : www.nathanswyers.com
  • mythagomythago Registered User regular
    Ice-Nine wrote: »
    So I sure as hell DON'T want to break up with her. I just never want a girl to feel bothered/pressured by me, and she seemed to respect that. To make a long story short, she just clicked well with me on a number of levels. When I first asked her out, I started by saying I'm really shy but I thought she's cute and I'd like to hang out. She told me that's why she said yes.

    I sent her a text last night, asking how she felt. I said I wanted her and she wanted me, but I was just too nervous. Also said she's hot as hell (I worried that she thought it was because she's not beautiful, when she's really quite sexy). This was probably a mistake to send.

    She didn't respond, and I thought, "If she doesn't respond I'm deleting her number and I'll never talk to her again." I deleted all of our text conversations, and I had my finger hovering over "delete contact." Here's the reason: I don't want to be that guy whose some loser who won't get the girl he likes but he keeps bothering her. And if I don't have a shot with a girl, I don't want to be tempted to contact her, I'd rather put it out of my mind by ending the possibility.

    But I don't understand how girls feel so I guess it's better to give it some time even if it hurts.

    How long should I wait before I contact her? If she's already gone back home, should I just try talking to her for a bit before asking if I could visit?


    You made it clear that this is about you working through stuff, and not about her. Yes, give it some time. Maybe she won't respond; maybe she will. If she doesn't, remember that doesn't mean U R FAIL, it means that she has decided things aren't going to work out. If she does, then great!

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  • Ice-NineIce-Nine Registered User regular
    edited May 2012
    mythago wrote: »
    You made it clear that this is about you working through stuff, and not about her. Yes, give it some time. Maybe she won't respond; maybe she will. If she doesn't, remember that doesn't mean U R FAIL, it means that she has decided things aren't going to work out. If she does, then great!

    Thanks

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  • Ice-NineIce-Nine Registered User regular
    An update for whoever gives a shit/commented - the girl sent me a couple texts out of the blue, chatted a little, and I think things are going to be alright. I was stressing pretty bad but giving her time obviously was the right thing to do.

    Thanks to those who offered encouragement and sympathy

  • BlindZenDriverBlindZenDriver Registered User regular
    Ice-Nine wrote: »
    An update for whoever gives a shit/commented - the girl sent me a couple texts out of the blue, chatted a little, and I think things are going to be alright. I was stressing pretty bad but giving her time obviously was the right thing to do.

    Thanks to those who offered encouragement and sympathy

    I'm late to this thread so I hope it's okay I comment anyway.

    1. I agree - it sounds like it's gonna be fine with the two of you. Since she is getting back to you I'm sure she gets you're figuring out things and that it is fine with her. It is certainly possible she is also finding out things.

    2. Posting an update is great.

    Bones heal, glory is forever.
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