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Of Trust and Girlfriends

noobertnoobert Registered User
edited July 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
Ok, so first i guess you will need some background. I've known this girl for 2 and a half years, we have been dating for the last 6 months, but where very close the 2 years before that. She just turned 18, i'm 20. For the first ~20 months i knew her she was dating some other guy, this didn't stop us from cuddling up when we had to crash at someones place after a party (often), but three times it lead to something more: 2nd night i met her, some time in the middle and a week before she broke up with her boyfriend at the time. We "only" ever got as far as making out/feeling up those times.

The 3rd time i pretty much told her that if she left her current BF i'd be willing to date her. She thought that was an awesome idea and dumped him a few days later. Of course there are complications, her "best friend" at the time was a guy who we will call B, B quite obviously had pretty strong feelings for her, i'd often voice my opinion "B wants down your pants" etc and she would always dismiss them. He invites her out to the movies, i insist that he will make a move, she goes and said she had a good time. A few months later she tells me that he did infact try to make a move.... This guy is still her "best friend".

After we had been going out for a good few months the next situation arises, we are at a good friends gathering, shes doing shots and getting pretty drunk while i'm drinking lite beers and having an early night due to work. I hit the sack at about 11:30, and bail for work at 6:30am, so obviously i missed out on a large part of the night and day after.Mainly the part where she attempts to drop her pants and lap dance a friend of ours. Along with getting a bit too close to some female friends of ours. She didn't mention this and at first flat out refused that it happened when i confronted her.

So now she's of legal drinking age. Bars, clubs and all those temptations, with her history i feel totally justified in not trusting her to not do something stupid and, if she did do something, i strongly doubt she would tell me if she did.

If i wasn't head over heals in love with this girl i'm pretty sure i would have broken up with her already. But apart from those 3 things everything has been so close to perfect. So H/A... HALP!

noobert on

Posts

  • devoirdevoir Registered User
    edited July 2007
    Don't confront, just bring up your concerns. The only real thing I think anyone can do in those kinds of situations is talk about it with your girlfriend. If there's not the trust there, and no willingness from both sides to work on that, then you're probably out of luck.

  • RevolutionaryRevolutionary Registered User
    edited July 2007
    You have to remember, she dumped the first guy when she knew you, her nice friend would go out with her. It may say something about how you should trust her.

    But make sure there's something to actually bring up other than a rumor, i.e. past behavior, not just a wild accusation. She's gonna ask why you think she is doing this and if you don't have a good answer it will show you don't really believe in her, which she may find offensive.

    Also how do you know she did that during the party? Who told you? If this person reliable? Did he/she see this him/herself? Get a good source for this rumor.

  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited July 2007
    While a certain amount of concern is understandable, keep in mind that you are not her dad. If she does stupid shit and gets in trouble for it, it's her responsibility.

    Also, she's 18. People at that age tend to be very defiant when they are told what to do and what not to do by others. Rather, they tend to learn by experience. So any intervention on her part will most likely damage your relationship; she'll make a big deal out of it by thinking you don't respect and trust her -- which is true.

    Medopine wrote: »
    Fuck that woman going "oh god oh no!!"

    It's nature, bitch
  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    You are too young to worry about someone like her, dump her, nobody is going to stop her from doing whatever she wants to do.

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited July 2007
    The only warning signs I'm seeing is the jumping-from-one-relationship-to-another thing (pretty common when young) and the unfortunate loss of inhibition when drunk. Turning down a friend who is interested and remaining friends with them is frankly something that happens to most people at least once, and hardly a reflection on her. I'd say that unless she does more stupid drunky things and gets socially censured for it, she's not going to stop getting drunk on occasion for a few more years at least. And once in six months... well, lets just say it could be a whole lot worse.

    Honestly, it sounds like you're just less of a partier than her and not comfortable with that, in which case you need to think about whether you'd rather someone quieter. If that's incorrect and you are similar to her socially, or were a couple of years ago, I'm going to go ahead and suggest hypocrisy ;) either way, don't get on your high horse, you made out with someone else's GF multiple times.

    tmsig.jpg
  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    She cheated on her last BF with you, now its a firm possibility of it happening again

    sig-1.jpg
  • JPArbiterJPArbiter Registered User
    edited July 2007
    First you need to establish what you are and are not comfortable with her doing

    Women will always get a little loose when they are intoxicated.

    are you ok with her chosing to dance with another person?

    Give a lap dance to another person

    play a little innocent grab-ass

    sure making out with another guy is not kosher, and another girl requires some SERIOUS conversation between the two of you. What you should do is first ask her if there has ever been any times at parties where she was uncomfortable with how you behaved. let her vent her laundry list, thank her for her honesty, and then mention the things she has done that you did not like.

    be kind even voiced, and even understanding about it all. set some standards, and you will find parties going a lot smoother.

    Sinning since 1983
  • OctoparrotOctoparrot Registered User
    edited July 2007
    If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
    Never make a pretty woman your wife
    So from my personal point of view
    Get an ugly girl to marry you

    the GOP shouldn't give a rats ass about them since they won't vote for them. If someone won't vote for you they might as well not exist.
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    I'd quit while you're ahead. No one wants a GF who trys giving lap dances to other guys.

  • FalloutFallout GIRL'S DAY EVERY DAYRegistered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Xaquin wrote: »
    I'd quit while you're ahead. No one wants a GF who trys giving lap dances to other guys.

    Listen to this dude^

    xcomsig.png
  • anableanable Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    Xaquin wrote: »
    I'd quit while you're ahead. No one wants a GF who trys giving lap dances to other guys.

    What he said.

  • drinkinstoutdrinkinstout Registered User
    edited July 2007
    I'd voice your concerns but don't be confrontational about it - dont approach it in a way that will make her defensive about things, especially things that haven't even happened yet.

    Also, like others have mentioned... your relationship is based on deceit - you started off by her cheating on her boyfriend with you. I won't say people don't change and "once a cheater always a cheater" but you might need to be a bit more realistic about your situation especially since you're both young and she's just getting into the party period of her life...

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    stout's Amazon Wishlist | my lastFM
  • Sinister CheshireSinister Cheshire Registered User
    edited July 2007
    Fallout wrote: »
    Xaquin wrote: »
    I'd quit while you're ahead. No one wants a GF who trys giving lap dances to other guys.

    Listen to this dude^

    I had the same situation recently. wild girls while fun, are not to be dated. Course I had actual evidence of what happened. Unless your'e into swinging, drop it. It will just tear you up everytime something happens.

  • JPArbiterJPArbiter Registered User
    edited July 2007
    or give real and serious consideration to swinging, it saved my relationship with my wife.

    Sinning since 1983
  • X5X5 Registered User
    edited July 2007
    Not to sound condescending, But you are both young still. You should be having fun, But if you are in a "committed" relationship, I think it's ok to get peeved that she was giving some dude that isn't you a lap dance.

    Bottom line is, regardless of age, and party party fun times, when you love someone, you have a certain respect for them that discourages you from doing certain retardo-mode things. While she might really really really like and care for you, if she indeed did do these things, she doesn't care enough about you to not do them.

    You can't tell her "You can't do this, You can't do that" At the same time however, you shouldn't have to ever feel the need to tell your significant other how to act on the important things. Don't be a prick if you talk to her about it, Listen to the obvious advice here, be mature, respectful.

    TheX5.png
  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    looks like there's a disconnect between what role you want her to be in your life (exclusive girlfriend) and what she wants to do right now (unknown, but sounds like she wants to play/party/experiment).

    tell her what you want, and end things if she cannot deliver what you need.

    or perhaps you can change your expectations of her. if you can do the dating multiple people thing, or the open relationship thing, then perhaps you can keep a kind of relationship with her. though i don't know many people who can pull this off with people they really like. maybe yall can be fsck-buddies.

    but it sounds like you're really attached and she's wayward. so you should probably just end it before anyone gets more hurt.

  • noobertnoobert Registered User
    edited July 2007
    So last night i had a talk with her, told her that i pretty much didn't trust her when she had been drinking. I cited the reasons in my first post. She broke down crying saying that trust is something that is black and white and i either trust her or i don't, while i don't believe it is.

    She said that if i didn't trust her we should end it, i said that if shes not going to make a concession for an obvious trust issue i have then i agree. It was over.....



    ... for about 45 mins. She called back in more tears begging that i take her back and that she understands, can't imagine life without me and always thought we'd be together for the longest time. As long as she understands that only through her actions will she be able to gain my trust everything should be ok.

    As for the disconnection, for the last 2.5 years i have been studying and drinking etc. But these days i have a full time job that consists of 6 days a week, i still get pretty trashed on say nights, but i can't manage the student lifestyle anymore. So at the end of the day i'm going to have to trust that shes not doing anything retarded on those mid week clubbing/drinking nights.



    I feel like i'm 16 again ;)

  • devoirdevoir Registered User
    edited July 2007
    Hopefully it is a long term happy ending for you. Hope I helped.

  • noobertnoobert Registered User
    edited July 2007
    devoir wrote: »
    Hopefully it is a long term happy ending for you. Hope I helped.

    You all did, many different view points are never a bad thing.

    I really think the main issue isn't trust, but the fact that i will never be comfortable with other guys being close to/dancing with (in a flirtatious way)/groping her. No matter how much i trust her.

    More of a jealousy issue and loss of confidence in my own ego thing. I'd prefer the ball to be in my court, if you know what i mean.

  • devoirdevoir Registered User
    edited July 2007
    I don't think there's nothing wrong with being possessive/protective as long as you communicate that to her and she at least makes some sort of effort to accommodate that aspect of your personality. Which it sounds like she is going to.

  • IreneDAdlerIreneDAdler Registered User regular
    edited July 2007
    JPArbiter wrote: »
    Women will always get a little loose when they are intoxicated.

    O RLY?

    Anyway, she sounds like one of those "do it if it feels good" types. Basically, as long as there's not a technical breach of morality, such as having sexual intercourse with a guy you're not dating, everything is justified by their own desires -- i.e. making out with a guy you like is ok. I personally wouldn't go near that type, because the only thing you can count on is that they will put their own desires above consideration for anyone else.

    Though if I may be perfectly frank, you sound like you have some issues independent of her, but at least you are aware of them. Guys are probably going to pay attention to an attractive woman, no matter how morally upright she may be, and if you're going to project your jealousies onto your relationship with her, you might want to work on that.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Uncle LongUncle Long Registered User
    edited July 2007
    The Cat wrote: »
    The only warning signs I'm seeing is the jumping-from-one-relationship-to-another thing (pretty common when young) and the unfortunate loss of inhibition when drunk. Turning down a friend who is interested and remaining friends with them is frankly something that happens to most people at least once, and hardly a reflection on her. I'd say that unless she does more stupid drunky things and gets socially censured for it, she's not going to stop getting drunk on occasion for a few more years at least. And once in six months... well, lets just say it could be a whole lot worse.

    Honestly, it sounds like you're just less of a partier than her and not comfortable with that, in which case you need to think about whether you'd rather someone quieter. If that's incorrect and you are similar to her socially, or were a couple of years ago, I'm going to go ahead and suggest hypocrisy ;) either way, don't get on your high horse, you made out with someone else's GF multiple times.

    Seriously.

    It seems to be the habit of H/A to toss out the "dump her," quite frivolously. I think that in this case communication and clear boundaries are the problem and something that can be fixed. As far as the OP knows she hasn't cheated on him and doesn't plan to. That's not to say that he shouldn't be concerned, just that he has a decision to make; whether his concern is something he can live with or if he needs to talk to her about it. I recommend he talk to her about it and establish clear boundaries of what is and what is not acceptable.

    Another thing that I think I am seeing here is something I encountered a lot at Uni. I was a mentor and therefore got to hear a lot of the relationship complaints from a floor of freshman/sophomore males, and jealousy is such a huge factor in dissatisfaction in a relationship. When girls go out and have fun without their guy friends, and especially when these significant others are not out and having fun or have some sort of socio-economic commitment to maintain which prohibits the same sort of socialization they tend to get really jealous. This jealously shows up in the conversations and the actions within the relationship and eventually the break down. Why? Because freshman and sophomores don't know how to talk or express themselves in a productive manner and they need to go through these situations to figure it out.

    If you are both mature then you should be able to talk about this, and I think you should. If you're not mature (which has nothing to do with age) as a couple then chances are you won't talk about it and the relationship will fall apart.

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