So, Captain Cthulhu, myself, and some of my friends were out at the War Room, in Seattle. We were doing the usual...drinking, dancing, bullshitting out on the deck. Well, I have to go to the bathroom, so I head downstairs. I head into the men's room, and right behind me comes this older lady, with a plaintive look on her face.
This sad, sad woman, old enough to be my mother, clearly cannot wait for the 20-person queue for the women's room. So I let her go ahead of me.
This is where it gets interesting. This dude and his friend come in, walking past me to the urinals. They find out that I let a woman in front of me in the men's room, and they start giving me shit. I start pitching it right back. Lady comes out, washes up, and leaves. As I'm heading into the stall, one of the guys is all, "I'm sorry for giving you shit, man. Let me buy you and your friends a round. Find me when you get out."
I'm all, "I don't accept drinks from men in bathrooms. Kind of my policy."
He comes back with, "You don't know who I am, do you?"
"Uhhhh...no. No idea."
"I'm Lofa. [ dramatic pause ] Lofa Tatupu."
Now, I am no big football fan, but I live in Seattle, and Lofa Tatupu is a pretty well-known guy. I get an incredulous look on my face, and he shows me his left arm, which is covered in a simple but massive Polynesian-looking tattoo. I guess this is meant to be proof, but I am not really convinced. So he repeats his offer, "Seriously. Find me when you get out. I'll get you and your friends whatever you want."
So I leave, tell my friends about the strange, crazy man in the bathroom offering to buy us all drinks, and claiming to be Lofa Tatupu. But when I see him again, just a few minutes ago, at last call, he is surrounded by a swarm of people. And when I got home, I checked it out.
Motherfucker wasn't lying. He actually
was Lofa Tatupu.
Weird. As. Fuck.
tl;dr Strange man in bathroom of Capitol Hill club offers to buy me and my friends whatever we want. Introduces himself as Lofa Tatupu. Turns out to actually be him.
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You know, even at the club, when I told my friends, they said the exact same thing.
But it was just so weird to have some really rich guy throwing out fliff like a sultan, and then actually having him turn out not just to be name-dropping.
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He came in to use the urinal, while I was waiting for the woman I let in finish up in the stall.
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All yelling at people to wash their hands.
Strange fucking woman.
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what are you some kind of antisocial fag?
I did not believe it was him until we were all leaving, and he had a huge swarm of people seeing him off. Then I GISed him, and sure enough, it was the same fucking guy.
Seriously, it was the strangest fucking thing that could ever happen, being offered drinks by an NFL linebacker because I let a woman go in front of me, and was good-naturedly pitching him shit.
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He wanted to slip you a roofie and get some chin nuggins going on.
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That was entirely the hint I took.
Some of us still have colons, though, and need to protect them.
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the term "chin nuggins" still makes me giggle to this day.
"My ass is a mysterious crevice in which neither snake nor worm shall ever crawl, lest the hallowed walls of the bowels of Jericho come crashing down."
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If you let me know a week in advance (so I can properly schedule around work's assfuckery), and can guarantee parking, I will so be there for one of those.
And you will definitely find parking within two blocks.
Parties at Cap's place are usually spur-of-the-moment, but I will see what I can do. Also, there's no trouble parking within feet of his house. Ever.
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I'm assuming he is from professional sports of some kind.
I like you faggots because I thought you shared my hatred of professional sports.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
He left and my coworkers were in AWE.
"That was the JIiiizzzz," the whispered, "THAT WAS THE FUCKING JIIIIIIZ!!!"
This freaked me out. I would not talk to them.
Turns out he was some big-time foorball player named Gizmo something.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
I was sad
Zero to gay jokes in one point two posts.
He was at USC while I was there
He left for the NFL so that he could help to support his family
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uh
he is a professional linebacker in the NFL for the seattle seahawks
he played linebacker for USC and he is really good
STEAM!
I was absolutely fascinated by his name.
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There, I feel I've added to this conversation now
"don't you know who i am ... i'm mully."
and even if you've never been on the internet
you'll know
i don't listen to hip-hop or whatever you kids call it these days