ThomamelasOnly one man can kill this many Russians. Bring his guitar to me! Registered Userregular
edited October 2007
I forgot a bit of practical advice, and it's a little harsh but needed. If you belive that she had sex while cheating, or if you even suspect it a little then you may need to go in an get an STD test done.
Sad, but neccessary. One poster here had a long drawn out thread about his fiance. At the end, he found out she was cheating on him and she had given him genital warts.
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mojojoeoA block off the park, living the dream.Registered Userregular
I'll give you the same advice I gave myself when faced with your exact situation. Stay home. Pop in a video game or crappy movie and play/watch till you fall asleep. When you wake up eat an unhealthy breakfast and relax the day away.
NOTHING she can say will make this go away. Eventually you'll not be bothered by it. If you drive up there and she says all the right things, then when she's asleep next to you all you'll still be thinking about is what happened and what will/could happen.
It's too early to forget, and even if it wasn't you shouldn't forget, but learn. In short, don't make the same mistake I did. If you drive up there, all you'll have to look forward to is a long drive back where your mind can (and sure as hell will) wander to things like 'what is she doing now' and 'is that guy still calling her' and 'she lied once .... is she doing it again?'
that is the worst car trip ever, so if you han help it, don't make it.
Even if she didn't set out to cheat on you, even if she is genuinely sorry, and even if this is mostly because of the long-distance situation and would not happen if you and she could spend more time together in the flesh —basically, giving her as much credit as humanly possible — what of this is going to change if you forgive her and stay a couple? You will still be long-distance, and if she's not someone who can deal with that, it won't change just because she's sorry she screwed up. I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater," but it would be very strange if all the starting conditions stayed the same but you got a different result.
Forgive her and end the relationship, not out of anger or vengeance or anything, but because it's not going to work for either of you.
My first girlfriend was local, we saw each other in school all the time, and after we had been dating for like a year and a half, she went to Mexico on a school trip and went down on one of her classmates. Like an idiot, I took her back, thinking "we can work through this, she just had a moment of weakness." She said she just wanted me to be happy and that she was lonely and needed me, blah blah blah.
That lasted for about another year. Cos it took that long for me to realize that she didn't really care about our relationship, just the fact that she didn't like being alone. I could've been any warm body (with a penis) and she would've been happy with me. Once we finally broke up and I got it through my head that she was just an unreliable person, I saw the entire relationship differently. I don't hate her or hold any grudges, cos I forgave her. But I forgave her AFTER I realized that we wouldn't have ever worked out.
What's worse, is that it was also the point that I realized that if it *had* "worked out," I would've been in a miserable marriage. Like looking over the edge of the abyss, you realize how close you are to untold horrors.
she didn't really care about our relationship, just the fact that she didn't like being alone.
This is the crux of a LOT of problems, and probably one of the issues with the OP's girlfriend. Not to say she didn't love him, because I can't say one way or another.
But the problem is, many people will do some REALLY stupid shit, or forgive someone else for doing REALLY stupid shit, all on the basis that they are terrified at the prospect of being alone.
It's one of the worst reasonings imaginable because you allow yourself to be dragged through so much crap. I've seen people stay in relationships they know for a fact will never go anywhere, never improve, and never make them happy, simply because they don't want to chance being alone for any amount of time.
She greeted me by actually mentioning a post I made in SE++ about how I was enjoying some rum to be able to get to sleep. Apparently she knew that a video or some warning had been sent my way..got wind of it last night and was waiting for me to say something. When I didn't, she did a little digging.
If she's reading the forum it probably wasn't the best idea to post this here. She could be reading this entire thread, know what you're thinking, and if she wants to lie any more she's got a better idea where to start. Even if you're using an alt, she could always stop by H/A, randomly click a thread and notice how similar this is to her situation.
Things I'm fuzzy on and not sure if I buy yet: Only happened a few times
There was no sex (though..I'm tending to think not. There was something in her voice there that I haven't heard before. Tells me she's likely not lying on this one)
Time frame of some things
That she's done something physical with him on more than one occasion means she made a choice to fool around outside the relationship, repeatedly. It's not like she was drunk at a party, felt lonely 'cause you weren't there and made a mistake. That's understandable. She fooled around with him repeatedly, doing something she knew would upset you and would be looked at as a betrayal. She knowingly betrayed you. Ya, maybe it was only a few times but it was still more than once. Maybe there was sex, maybe there wasn't, but she did something and if she can try to get away with admitting to the bare minimum she'll try. She's already shown herself to be dishonest.
If you've been sexually active with her while she was doing stuff with this other get yourself checked. If you're unsure, get yourself checked anyway because it's never a bad idea.
Ask yourself right now whether or not the trust is gone. Because trust is something easily lost, and sometimes impossible to find again. Without it, your relationship has no chance.
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
edited October 2007
Think about it this way.
She firstly, purposely lied to you when you confronted her about it. Secondly the only reason she broke it off with this dude was soley because you found out, she was more than happy to continue what she was going to do with him.
So we have someone that lies to your face and thinks what you don't know can't hurt you.
I would maybe consider taking someone back if in a moment of weakness hooked up with someone and came clean to me immediately without me finding out through other means.
But this is absolutely pre-meditated and she purposely hid it and denied it from you.
You can still have really deep feelings and break up with someone, it's happened before and it will happen again, I did it in my last relationship, now I realise that the girl was excesivly needy and it's more fun not being around her.
if she had taken the opportunities you gave her to come clean I'd try to forgive. She avoided it until the last possible moment which is low. I wouldn't forgive her.
Limed, bolded and biggeded for truth.
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mojojoeoA block off the park, living the dream.Registered Userregular
if she had taken the opportunities you gave her to come clean I'd try to forgive. She avoided it until the last possible moment which is low. I wouldn't forgive her.
Limed, bolded and biggeded for truth.
Thirded.
This is way shady
mojojoeo on
Chief Wiggum: "Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine."
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Also, no..I don't believe there will be sexing of any kind if I make the trip.
So you are going?
Sad, but neccessary. One poster here had a long drawn out thread about his fiance. At the end, he found out she was cheating on him and she had given him genital warts.
Check.
Excellent use of bold.
odd ball q- Have you discussed this with any real life friends or siblings?
NOTHING she can say will make this go away. Eventually you'll not be bothered by it. If you drive up there and she says all the right things, then when she's asleep next to you all you'll still be thinking about is what happened and what will/could happen.
It's too early to forget, and even if it wasn't you shouldn't forget, but learn. In short, don't make the same mistake I did. If you drive up there, all you'll have to look forward to is a long drive back where your mind can (and sure as hell will) wander to things like 'what is she doing now' and 'is that guy still calling her' and 'she lied once .... is she doing it again?'
that is the worst car trip ever, so if you han help it, don't make it.
I mean, yea...I'm...more towards going than not. But there is still a good bit of me that wants to just let it pass (the trip).
Even if she didn't set out to cheat on you, even if she is genuinely sorry, and even if this is mostly because of the long-distance situation and would not happen if you and she could spend more time together in the flesh —basically, giving her as much credit as humanly possible — what of this is going to change if you forgive her and stay a couple? You will still be long-distance, and if she's not someone who can deal with that, it won't change just because she's sorry she screwed up. I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater," but it would be very strange if all the starting conditions stayed the same but you got a different result.
Forgive her and end the relationship, not out of anger or vengeance or anything, but because it's not going to work for either of you.
all you'll see face to face is the girl you love who cheated on you.
She'd be coming down here to wrap up school.
Again...that was the original plan. As for now? Beats the hell out of me.
That lasted for about another year. Cos it took that long for me to realize that she didn't really care about our relationship, just the fact that she didn't like being alone. I could've been any warm body (with a penis) and she would've been happy with me. Once we finally broke up and I got it through my head that she was just an unreliable person, I saw the entire relationship differently. I don't hate her or hold any grudges, cos I forgave her. But I forgave her AFTER I realized that we wouldn't have ever worked out.
What's worse, is that it was also the point that I realized that if it *had* "worked out," I would've been in a miserable marriage. Like looking over the edge of the abyss, you realize how close you are to untold horrors.
This is the crux of a LOT of problems, and probably one of the issues with the OP's girlfriend. Not to say she didn't love him, because I can't say one way or another.
But the problem is, many people will do some REALLY stupid shit, or forgive someone else for doing REALLY stupid shit, all on the basis that they are terrified at the prospect of being alone.
It's one of the worst reasonings imaginable because you allow yourself to be dragged through so much crap. I've seen people stay in relationships they know for a fact will never go anywhere, never improve, and never make them happy, simply because they don't want to chance being alone for any amount of time.
If she's reading the forum it probably wasn't the best idea to post this here. She could be reading this entire thread, know what you're thinking, and if she wants to lie any more she's got a better idea where to start. Even if you're using an alt, she could always stop by H/A, randomly click a thread and notice how similar this is to her situation.
That she's done something physical with him on more than one occasion means she made a choice to fool around outside the relationship, repeatedly. It's not like she was drunk at a party, felt lonely 'cause you weren't there and made a mistake. That's understandable. She fooled around with him repeatedly, doing something she knew would upset you and would be looked at as a betrayal. She knowingly betrayed you. Ya, maybe it was only a few times but it was still more than once. Maybe there was sex, maybe there wasn't, but she did something and if she can try to get away with admitting to the bare minimum she'll try. She's already shown herself to be dishonest.
If you've been sexually active with her while she was doing stuff with this other get yourself checked. If you're unsure, get yourself checked anyway because it's never a bad idea.
Ask yourself right now whether or not the trust is gone. Because trust is something easily lost, and sometimes impossible to find again. Without it, your relationship has no chance.
She firstly, purposely lied to you when you confronted her about it. Secondly the only reason she broke it off with this dude was soley because you found out, she was more than happy to continue what she was going to do with him.
So we have someone that lies to your face and thinks what you don't know can't hurt you.
I would maybe consider taking someone back if in a moment of weakness hooked up with someone and came clean to me immediately without me finding out through other means.
But this is absolutely pre-meditated and she purposely hid it and denied it from you.
You can still have really deep feelings and break up with someone, it's happened before and it will happen again, I did it in my last relationship, now I realise that the girl was excesivly needy and it's more fun not being around her.
Satans..... hints.....
Limed, bolded and biggeded for truth.
Thirded.
This is way shady