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This Island Paradise is a Shit Hole

DE?ADDE?AD Registered User regular
edited May 2008 in Singularity Engine++
This is Kauai, known as "the garden island."

You've probably seen it in movies like Jurassic Park, or Blue Hawaii. What you may not know, is that it is a shit hole.


A hole of shit.

You may be under the impression that Kauai is a quaint, largely unpopulated island covered in lush tropical vegetation, breath-taking waterfalls, and gorgeous vistas. This is entirely true. What it fails to note, however, is that the other 20% of the island, the 20% of the island that is actually inhabited is covered in slack-jawed yokels the likes of which rarely seen outside of the deep south. In fact, to imagine what it's like to live here, you only need picture yourself living in a small town in Alabama where everyone is constantly high.

There are four radio stations on Kauai, five on a good day. Three of them play "Island Music." Island music, running right along with our southern analog, is very similar to country music, in that it is such a specific, repetitive genre that every song is essentially a remix of the one before it. unlike the archetypal moaning country tale-of-woe, however, all Island music is about just how great it is to live on an island, and how much better the islanders are for having lived there. There are five essential words that must be included in every song; Style, Island, Beach, Baby, Hawaii, and Girl/Boy. Bonus points if you can manage to make some reference to a tropical fruit, or local snack.
At some point in the mid-nineties, it was apparently decided that every song produced must also have a generic "Jamaican Rap" segment. Those bands too poor to import Jamaicans have taken to having one of their friends sing while pretending to have be Jamaican. As idiotic as this trend is, it still marks the only innovation sense That One Guy Who Did That Cover of Over the Rainbow died in what was apparently an unsuccessful attempt at becoming the twentieth Hawaiian Island.

Backing these insipid vocals is the ukulele. I've yet to find it, but judging by the "variety" of local music, I'm almost certain that every ukulele comes with a built in Casio-Keyboard-esque, factory-standard riffs. My best guess is that it is hidden somewhere near the syringe that automatically injects the user with horse-sedative.

If you miss a song on the radio, don't worry, they'll play it again. In fact, there are only about twenty songs they ever play on the radio. Let's look at some of the lyrics to one favorite...
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story


Which brings me to the next topic of my vitriol - the local language.

People on Kauai speak a variation of English everyone simply calls Pidgin. This is a variation on English in the same way that a miscarriage is a variation on birth. What they speak here is not a language in the truest sense of the word - the baying of wolves carries more meaningful information. This is a place where the sate catch-phrase "da kine" is plastered on backpacks, bumper-stickers, TV shows and radio stations. The inability to communicate clearly has become a sort of badge of honor here - on Kauai, like the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, celebrates its own stupidity.
In addition to the mangling normal English, the locals, much like the attendees of your local anime convention, also like to sprinkle their speech with words from other languages just to really drive home their status as an island native. If you haven't said you're "pau" with your work, or offered up a "hala" when someone does something wrong, you're probably a "haole." Now, there is an argument to be made that this random word use is in fact an adaption to aid the community - you see, as Kauai is entirely based on tourism, it's beneficial for the economy if everyone who lives on the island really hams up the local act. Because when people come to Hawaii, they want as much Hawaii as they can possibly get, damnit.

Want to impress your friends? Just pretend you know Hawaiian! It's simple, just say the following syllables: Ha, Ka, Ke, Ki, La, Li, Lu, Wai, Me, and A.

Got it? Good! Now you can speak Hawaiian. Just mix 'em around for variety. No one will know, because Hawaiian is a dead language. (Unless, of course, you're in an airport in Hawaii, in which case it's all you'll hear blaring at you over the sound system like someone strangling an asthmatic yodeling cat). Practice enough, and you'll even be comfortable enough to improvise and make up words like Humuhumunukunukuapuaa, Hawaii's state fish.

But, DE?AD, you ask, what about the beautiful Polynesian girls? What about the wahine?

Oh, Kauai's got wahine. I hope you like 'em fat, dumb, and ugly, because, you see, much like previously mention small town in Alabama, Kauai doesn't exactly have a diverse breeding pool. Local culture holds it as polite to refer to your non-related elders as "auntie" or "uncle," and "cuz" and "bra" are both commonly used as standardized nicknames. However, the truth of the matter is that, more likely than not, there is a biological truth behind these phrases. Oh, and if they're over fifteen, chances are they're pregnant, so good luck with that.

In fact, most of Kauai matches up fairly well with the stereotypical "South," provided that said "South" is totally tripping balls. In brief:

Banjo - Ukulele
Radio Only Plays Country - Radio Only Plays Island Music
Hush Puppies - Spam Musubi
Heavy Southern Drawl - Nonsensical Pidgin
Everyone Drives Pick-Up Trucks - Everyone Drives Pick-Up Trucks
Deer Huntin' - Boar Huntin'
Overalls - Swim Trunks
Southern Flag Decals - Traditional, Mass-Produced Native Art Decals

It's all there, man.

In closing, I would like to say only this - I blame the plantations. Somehow, by some means I've yet to fully grasp, plantations destroy culture.

Thank you, and good night.

Alternative Topics of Discussion
[Horrible Music]
[Horrible Places You've Lived]
[The Cultural Celebration of Stupidity]
[Terrible Accents]
[States That Should Probably Just Be Erased]
[Video Games]

DE?AD on


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