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Bread, Motherfuckers [NEW BREAD, PAGE 4, NSF56K]

sarukunsarukun GornlordInterplanetary InsanitariumRegistered User regular
edited August 2008 in Social Entropy++
Hi, I'm sarukun. You may remember me from such threads as The Book of Phallos, and [Secret Satans '05]: Holy Shit, Sarukun is an Asshole.


Well, forget all that mess. Today, we're baking bread. Why? Because it is a well known fact that any man who can create his own sustinance from the basest of raw materials is completely raw. To wit, I give you the most basic material there is:
howtomakebreadhp9.jpg

A book on how to make bread.


Now that we have the proper tools, let's figure out what we're making.
weremakinthistu6.jpg

Cured Italian pig flesh wrapped in doughy goodness? Oh, we're makin' it up smart..


First thing you need is yeast.
thisissomeyeastkp9.jpg

Yeast lives in bread. It also lives in vaginas, I am told. So if your vagina smells like fresh baked bread, see a doctor.


Yeast, it turns out, looks like some one has a very, very tiny rabbit and collects its poop for a living.
yeastlookslikerabbitpooiu0.jpg

Go figure.



Now we have do to what is called "creaming the yeast". I am convinced amongst professional bakers this is a euphamism for a sexual act of some sort.
creamintheyeastsv8.jpg

"Man, I totally creamed that chick's yeast last night" "You did not, shut up, for real?!"



Now you put the <ahem> creamed yeast in with the flour and you get to stirrin.
stirthatmessez6.jpg

You stir until it is all more or less stirred in.


Now's the fun part. Get your hands dirty!
ohnowhathaveyoudoneyd6.jpg

Now, you might be saying to your computer screen "Sarukun, this does not look like bread. Have you failed?" Well, yes, observant reader, being that this is my first attempt at baking bread from scratch, I most certainly did fuck up. For some reason, there wasn't enough water to absorb all the flour, so I added more, but naturally I added too much. What you see in that photo is the result: way too much fucking water. But is that the end of our tale? Fuck no!


After much fretting and worrying and wondering what to do with my very wet and extremely lumpy dough, I decided that (seeing as how I had no desire to go back to Wal*Mart to get more yeast and start over) I would attempt to knead what I had and see how things went from there. And what do you know, this was a brilliant plan, for the dough quite happily sopped up the small amounts of flour I placed on my hands and on the cutting board, and in such amounts as did not cause a huge difference in consistancy, nor creat lumps. I continued to knead for about a minute or two until I took this picture.
hoorayweresaveduz7.jpg

Now THAT looks like bread dough.


KNEAD THAT MESS, GOD DAMN IT. YOU KNEAD IT DOWN.
kneadthatmesszf5.jpg

There is a technique to kneading. I don't know that technique at all.


Here is a picture of dough and dirty hands.
grossbrora8.jpg

The end result of the dough actually looks much nicer, but I fear it will be far from perfect, asI believe it to be still a little lumpier than it probably should be. It is currrently rising in my kitchen, and will do so for about 45 more minutes.


So, SE++, it's been a while since we had a recipe thread. You may now discuss recipes and other things that have to do with food.

sarukun on
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