Hi, I'm sarukun. You may remember me from such threads as The Book of Phallos, and
[Secret Satans '05]: Holy Shit, Sarukun is an Asshole.
Well, forget all that mess. Today, we're baking bread. Why? Because it is a well known fact that any man who can create his own sustinance from the basest of raw materials is
completely raw. To wit, I give you the most basic material there is:
A book on how to make bread.
Now that we have the proper tools, let's figure out what we're making.
Cured Italian pig flesh wrapped in doughy goodness? Oh, we're makin' it up
smart..
First thing you need is yeast.
Yeast lives in bread. It also lives in vaginas, I am told. So if your vagina smells like fresh baked bread, see a doctor.
Yeast, it turns out, looks like some one has a very, very tiny rabbit and collects its poop for a living.
Go figure.
Now we have do to what is called "creaming the yeast". I am convinced amongst professional bakers this is a euphamism for a sexual act of some sort.
"Man, I totally creamed that chick's yeast last night" "You did not, shut
up, for real?!"
Now you put the <ahem> creamed yeast in with the flour and you get to stirrin.
You stir until it is all more or less stirred in.
Now's the fun part. Get your hands dirty!
Now, you might be saying to your computer screen "Sarukun, this does not look like bread. Have you failed?" Well, yes, observant reader, being that this is my first attempt at baking bread from scratch, I most certainly did fuck up. For some reason, there wasn't enough water to absorb all the flour, so I added more, but naturally I added too much. What you see in that photo is the result: way too much fucking water. But is that the end of our tale? Fuck no!
After much fretting and worrying and wondering what to do with my very wet and extremely lumpy dough, I decided that (seeing as how I had no desire to go back to Wal*Mart to get more yeast and start over) I would attempt to knead what I had and see how things went from there. And what do you know, this was a brilliant plan, for the dough quite happily sopped up the small amounts of flour I placed on my hands and on the cutting board, and in such amounts as did not cause a huge difference in consistancy, nor creat lumps. I continued to knead for about a minute or two until I took this picture.
Now THAT looks like bread dough.
KNEAD THAT MESS, GOD DAMN IT. YOU KNEAD IT
DOWN.
There is a technique to kneading. I don't know that technique at
all.
Here is a picture of dough and dirty hands.
The end result of the dough actually looks much nicer, but I fear it will be far from perfect, asI believe it to be still a little lumpier than it probably should be. It is currrently rising in my kitchen, and will do so for about 45 more minutes.
So, SE++, it's been a while since we had a recipe thread. You may now discuss recipes and other things that have to do with food.
Posts
My wife makes a fantastic banana bread.
Thanks, sarukun!
French Bread Pizzas shit yeah
then I'm like, "we don't have any of the ingredients for that nor do I really have the time to stop and make it"
I'm not even really hungry
hm
That is just crazy as hell.
NOW it's lookin' like dough.
banana bread
oh man
And dammit, sometimes a man just needs a deep-fried club sandwich to make the world make sense.
a meal of kings
It's great warm and with a scoop of ice cream
that's an intriguing idea
I've only ever had it with butter
what a terrible idea
I use to work for Wonderbread.... that smell is amazing.
do you possess the hands of the sun?
When I was a kid I liked taking two slices of wonderbread and mashing it into a ball and eating it and going LOOK MOM I'M EATING A BREAD BALL
And then she'd give this humorless smile and pour herself another liquid dinner
Childhood
Well done.
Fresh bread is the best stuff. I need a good recipe for a honey wheat. Anyone got one?
ahahaha this is such a fantastic scene
The french toast stick factory was in the same building. We weren't allowed to take those. Too bad for them they were delicious, and deliciousness if my weakness.
<.<
>.>
recently she tried some new method where you leave the yeast for like a day or something before you use it, it made pretty odd tasting bread let me tell you
With respect to all you people talking about Banana bread, I'm having difficulty imaging just how fucking awesome this prosciutto bread is going to taste. Maybe I'll make banana bread another time, this book has a recipe I'm pretty sure.
Rolled up and set to rise for another 45 minutes.
I was trying to be Jerri
I have to say, I like where this is going.
I stopped by there for breakfast recently and got what was pretty much the best breakfast sandwich I'd ever had
they used prosciutto and I don't know what kind of cheese, but it was heavenly
Also, where did you get that awesome looking sheetpan?
All the stuff we use in my mom's spaghetti sauce sans tomatoes. That is fresh basil from our backyard, babies.
We're gonna cut these motherfuckers up and put them in the sauce!
Soon to come: white wine, heavy cream and... Vermouthe!???!??!!!?
I hope it is used for good and not evil.
Or at least terribly awesome evil.
None of that half-baked shit.