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Terrible Sex

YaYaYaYa Rick and Morty forever and ever 100 years!a100timesRickandMorty.comRegistered User regular
edited September 2008 in Social Entropy++
so earlier tonight I was going down on my girlfriend

and I rip a huge fart

and I don't mean huge as in magnitude

everything about this fart was large

the duration, the volume, the smell

the timbre reminded one of a particularly rousing Sousa anthem

we literally laughed so hard we nearly threw up

so post your awful sex stories here guys

YaYa on
«13456764

Posts

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    I brought this one girl home from the bar.
    While going at it, she says "Isn't my pussy so tight?"
    It really wasn't but I said yes anyways.
    Then she says, "I've been having sex since I was 16, and my pussy is still tight!"
    D:

    HAHAHAHA
    GOLDEN!!!!

    Oh jesus that reminds me, I got with this dude once, he was kinda awkward, a bit on the bigger side
    anyways, while we were doing it, he starts talking dirty to me, but it was like... awkward dirty
    he was like "yeaaah yeah you like that, you like my big cock in your pussy yeeeeah" and "oh baby yeah I love the way your pussy feels with my cock in it, it feels so gooood" so I get really creeped out to the point where I don't want to do it anymore and I'm like "yeah... I... I'm not really feeling this anymore, you... done?"
    and so we kinda stop
    and I kinda get up really slowly, put my clothes back on and leave.

  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    I brought this one girl home from the bar.
    While going at it, she says "Isn't my pussy so tight?"
    It really wasn't but I said yes anyways.
    Then she says, "I've been having sex since I was 16, and my pussy is still tight!"
    D:

    HAHAHAHA
    GOLDEN!!!!

    Oh jesus that reminds me, I got with this dude once, he was kinda awkward, a bit on the bigger side
    anyways, while we were doing it, he starts talking dirty to me, but it was like... awkward dirty
    he was like "yeaaah yeah you like that, you like my big cock in your pussy yeeeeah" and "oh baby yeah I love the way your pussy feels with my cock in it, it feels so gooood" so I get really creeped out to the point where I don't want to do it anymore and I'm like "yeah... I... I'm not really feeling this anymore, you... done?"
    and so we kinda stop
    and I kinda get up really slowly, put my clothes back on and leave.

    This is priceless.
    I'm pretty sure this is what every porn chick wants to do when the dude starts talking about his enormous dick.

    Spoiler:
  • DadouwDadouw Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    But what was he doing on your girlfriend's couch!

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    You can kinda tell when everything a guy knows from sex he knows from porn

    guys with more experience just plain don't do that
    if they talk dirty, it's kind of in a funny, cute sexy way but they don't say ridiculous things like that.

    so here is my sex tip of the day young virgins:
    don't do that.

  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    talking at all during sex is pretty stupid

    just get the job done have a little fun and move on

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    yeah i agree i kinda hate sex talk unless it's in a funny ironic manner

    and that can only happen when you're comfortable with the person.

  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    So, there was this dude who proudly proclaimed that he gave the best head in the world.
    I thought that was a pretty huge thing to claim, cause you know, there are like a ton of people in the world.

    We go at it, and the guy is terrible.
    Like so bad, I lose my erection and tell him that I was really tired from work.

    He still says he's the best in the world.

    Spoiler:
  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Urian wrote: »
    talking at all during sex is pretty stupid

    just get the job done have a little fun and move on

    Seriously. I think I've talked like, 3 times during sex, ever. And it's always been shit like "Shit, you okay?" when she hits her head on something.

    Stupid small cars.

    B7ozVfx.png
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Sex talk is fun, but you don't do it like the pornos.
    Girl does not want to hear about your big dick. If she thinks it is large she will say so.
    Guy does not really want to hear about your vajajay being tight. Dude will tell you so.

    Spoiler:
  • Bloods EndBloods End Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I mostly just sing Disney movie songs.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    Spoiler:
  • zimfanzimfan Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    So, there was this dude who proudly proclaimed that he gave the best head in the world.
    I thought that was a pretty huge thing to claim, cause you know, there are like a ton of people in the world.

    We go at it, and the guy is terrible.
    Like so bad, I lose my erection and tell him that I was really tired from work.

    He still says he's the best in the world.

    he was so good you couldn't handle it

    PasscodeSig.png
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    FUCK YES I know right? Absolutely awesome.

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    FUCK YES I know right? Absolutely awesome.

    oh jesus the fucking dragon and when all the scourge get the frostmourne bluey glow coming out of their mouths
    oh god oh god oh god.

  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    And suddenly all my fantasies about beavo have been shattered.

    One might say shattered like the huge chunk of ice in the wotlk trailer.

    I...I thought I loved you.

    B7ozVfx.png
  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've had quite a few really bad sex experiences.

    There was the time where I was really terribly drunk and in a bad way after the death of a boyfriend, and I was over at his best friend's house sleeping it off on the couch being too drunk and weepy to make it home.

    I woke up in the middle of the night gagging and there was his dick in my mouth.

    Death to PA.
  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Beav what's a ladyboner? :o

    Death to PA.
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've never had bad sex

    Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I and do it so much it's losing some of it's panache, though

    reposig.jpg
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've had quite a few really bad sex experiences.

    There was the time where I was really terribly drunk and in a bad way after the death of a boyfriend, and I was over at his best friend's house sleeping it off on the couch being too drunk and weepy to make it home.

    I woke up in the middle of the night gagging and there was his dick in my mouth.

    synth i kind of want to laugh
    but that's really tragic about the loss of your boyfriend :(

    but i still want to laugh
    about the dick in your mouth.

    edit: well a ladyboner is...
    jesus. i...
    how do you explain this to a gay man?

  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    yeah i agree i kinda hate sex talk unless it's in a funny ironic manner

    and that can only happen when you're comfortable with the person.

    what if the dude was talking like macho man randy savage?

    or hulk hogan?


    LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN' BROTHER I'M GONNA FUCK YOU AT SUMMER-SLAM AND HULKAMANIA'S GONNA BE RUNNIN' WILD ON YOUR PUSSY OH YEEEEAAAAAH.

    www.facebook.com/itgetsworseska
    Spoiler:
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    FUCK YES I know right? Absolutely awesome.

    oh jesus the fucking dragon and when all the scourge get the frostmourne bluey glow coming out of their mouths
    oh god oh god oh god.

    yes yes yes

    if I ever get to play a game that looks as good as that cinematic I will be able to die happier than any man

  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Nah, it's years and years ago. Even I can laugh about what happened after, me running down the street in the middle of the night, pants down my ankles, ablooablooablooing.

    Death to PA.
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay

    Yet another dream crushed. Well done fags. 8-)

    Death to PA.
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    yeah i agree i kinda hate sex talk unless it's in a funny ironic manner

    and that can only happen when you're comfortable with the person.

    what if the dude was talking like macho man randy savage?

    or hulk hogan?


    LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN' BROTHER I'M GONNA FUCK YOU AT SUMMER-SLAM AND HULKAMANIA'S GONNA BE RUNNIN' WILD ON YOUR PUSSY OH YEEEEAAAAAH.

    oh shit that would be awesome

    i think i need to just be dating you guys, se++
    so let's get to it
    let's date

    Synth: sig'd so hard.

  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    I kinda want to see a lady boner.

    Spoiler:
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay

    Yet another dream crushed. Well done fags. 8-)

    he's so much better now that he's gay though
    before he was all emo and mopey and that's what i liked about him because you know, high school.
    he also was a huge jock that wore sweatpants and tee-shirts he got from volunteering at the local children's hospital a lot.
    now he's tan and does his hair and fights with me over who gets dibs on dancing all up on hot guys in bars
    usually it's a coin flip
    or we just tag team them.

  • ultraexactzzultraexactzz BLEASCHMNN Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dadouw wrote: »
    But what was he doing on your girlfriend's couch!

    His girlfriend was so pissed that she locked the bedroom door behind him. So he was locked out of his own room. (!) He figured he'd go to my girlfriend's house, and either A) I'd have a key, or B) he could lay low for a night.

    Wisely, he chose B. They broke up a few weeks later, but more because she was a bitch than because of this little faux pas.

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.

    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?

  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    My first time was with my current girlfriend of just over a year

    She is going away to college in two weeks and I don't know if I can really see that lasting but I sure hope so

    reposig.jpg
  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.

    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?
    1218706388015.gif
    EMERGENCY HILARIOUS GIF.

    www.facebook.com/itgetsworseska
    Spoiler:
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    A lady boner is a really nice tingly feeling in the pants

    Actually I can't really describe it better than that

    sharasugar_80.png sharanomsugar_80.png
  • Caulk Bite 6Caulk Bite 6 Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.

    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?
    1218706388015.gif
    EMERGENCY HILARIOUS GIF.

    oh god, thank you

  • autono-wally, erotibot300autono-wally, erotibot300 love machine Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've kinda faked orgasms as a guy

    sc.jpgsc.jpg
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    This isn't so much a story of terrible sex, but sex would have came if I wasn't awful.

    In high school, I was dating this chick. One day, while on her period, she starts gyrating her hips beckoning for intercourse.
    Being the dumbass I was, I tell her "I can hear your diaper crinkle." Diaper being her pad.

    Did not end well.

    Spoiler:
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    inquisitor
    you can still love me
    i'm just probably not going to love you back is all

    although, i did love a man. twice i did actually
    the first time was my best friend in high school who turned out to be gay
    the second time was my one and only long term relationship of 4 years with the best guy in the universe.

    my friend was with a guy for 2 years and he broke up with her because his parents didn't want her with him. basically he was a complete mama's boy and she was completely destroyed over it.

    now she's pretty cold and careless regarding guys and relationships. if you were with someone for 4 years and then broke up, that must have been tough. unless it was on good terms.

    I ended it with him, but the terms were pretty good. we still adore each other but he lives far away and we probably won't ever be in the same place again.
    i would say yes, it contributes to my being cold and distant in relationships
    and that yes my coldness is just me trying to not let myself get attached to another human being in that way ever again.


    holy shit, H/A? is... is that where I am right now?

    Hey same here!
    H5!

    Spoiler:
«13456764
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