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Terrible Sex

YaYaYaYa Rick and Morty forever and ever 100 years!a100timesRickandMorty.comRegistered User regular
edited September 2008 in Social Entropy++
so earlier tonight I was going down on my girlfriend

and I rip a huge fart

and I don't mean huge as in magnitude

everything about this fart was large

the duration, the volume, the smell

the timbre reminded one of a particularly rousing Sousa anthem

we literally laughed so hard we nearly threw up

so post your awful sex stories here guys

YaYa on
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Posts

  • Canada_jezusCanada_jezus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Why is that awful, you were having good times

    You know who I fucking hate? Pony.

    I don't know why, I just felt the need to say that.
  • L|amaL|ama Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I'm so sorry that you missed out on your puke-sex opportunity. These only come around rarely, you were lucky to have one at all.

  • Canada_jezusCanada_jezus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    ham wallet full of tossed cookies ey what

    You know who I fucking hate? Pony.

    I don't know why, I just felt the need to say that.
  • Bloods EndBloods End Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Mallrats thread.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    one time i was having a threesome and both the chicks just start vomiting uncontrollably so i started yelling at them

  • DadouwDadouw Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    one time I was alone with this dog and

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Some guy that I had only been dating for like 2 weeks whispered that he loved me during sex and I burst out laughing

    it was awful and I felt bad but my instincts to laugh were far stronger than my instincts to be a compassionate person. There is a lesson to be learned here. Don't fall in love with me boys, 9 times out of 10 I will only break your fragile young hearts.

    Also, better than that
    In high school i dated this hockey playing jock-face asshole
    anyways, his mom really didn't like me, because I detracted from his hockey practicing/skoal chewing.
    So I used to have to sneak in to do naughty things with him
    one night we were having at it when we hear her come barreling down the stairs.
    He literally picks me up and like, shoves me under his bed.
    I was naked, and there were dust bunnies everywhere. I was trying so hard not to sneeze/ trying so hard not to get dust in my vagina

    she barges in, looks around and he's like "what do you want mom?" in a groggy 'you woke me up I wasn't just having filthy teenage pre-marital sex' seemingly baffled that I'm not there she goes "I'm just... I'm doing laundry"

    at 2 in the fucking morning you're doing laundry?
    crazy bitch
    anyways, we broke up.
    fucking mama's boys are such knobs

  • The Black HunterThe Black Hunter Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Why can't you just date nice guys?

    sig-1.jpg
  • DadouwDadouw Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Beavotron is a girl!

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Well the thing is, I am starting to think that maybe I'm not a nice girl
    cause the nice ones are all weepy and mushy and want to hold hands and cuddle
    and I just wanna fucking play my video games and not be touched unless it's to have sex when I fucking feel like it so get away from me you whiny douches.

    do you see what I mean?
    I'm not a nice girl :( :(
    how do I remedy this?
    first thing I should do is stop hanging around the internet so much.

  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Beav's got a dusty ol' cooch.

    Death to PA.
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    the dust that entered my vagina on that faithful night settled
    and to this day, I truly have a dusty vagina.

  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    Beav im glad we are facebook friends.

    Also laughing at the dude was pretty hardcore. And I don't think the internet is the problem as long as you keep it for communication and discussion purposes, and even meeting people through it is fine as long as you seperate the words you see on the screen from reality and what matters to you in your mind.

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    urian I'm glad you're an internet guidance counselor.
    I will do those digital drawings of my feelings that you requested today, before our next session.

    Facebook is funny business.
    you can all add me to facebook for fun laughs.
    I am going to put it in my sig.

  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    urian I'm glad you're an internet guidance counselor.
    I will do those digital drawings of my feelings that you requested today, before our next session.

    im sorry im a closet psychologist cant you accept me for who i am GEEZ LOUISE ;/

    and yes i will need those drawings on my desk in 24 hours

  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    I brought this one girl home from the bar.
    While going at it, she says "Isn't my pussy so tight?"
    It really wasn't but I said yes anyways.
    Then she says, "I've been having sex since I was 16, and my pussy is still tight!"
    D:

    Spoiler:
  • ultraexactzzultraexactzz BLEASCHMNN Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    When I was in college, A group of 6 of us went out to watch Monday night football at a bar near campus, and my roommate put his credit card down for the tab. I left with my girlfriend to go to her place, where we had a pretty good time.

    I wake up at 4 to take a piss, and find my roommate on the couch in my girlfriend's house.

    Apparently, they went back to the house, and he was boning his girlfriend. I mean, going to town, she was shouting, he was into it, and remembered thinking that he should fuck after having a few beers more often... when he realized that he left his credit card at the bar.

    Most people would finish the task at hand, and then slip out when the girlfriend was asleep. Some would stop by the bar in the morning and retrieve their credit card.

    My roommate, though, immediately dismounted, threw on some clothes, kissed his girlfriend and said "I'll be right back." AND LEFT.

    I mean, DUDE.

  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    When I was in college, A group of 6 of us went out to watch Monday night football at a bar near campus, and my roommate put his credit card down for the tab. I left with my girlfriend to go to her place, where we had a pretty good time.

    I wake up at 4 to take a piss, and find my roommate on the couch in my girlfriend's house.

    Apparently, they went back to the house, and he was boning his girlfriend. I mean, going to town, she was shouting, he was into it, and remembered thinking that he should fuck after having a few beers more often... when he realized that he left his credit card at the bar.

    Most people would finish the task at hand, and then slip out when the girlfriend was asleep. Some would stop by the bar in the morning and retrieve their credit card.

    My roommate, though, immediately dismounted, threw on some clothes, kissed his girlfriend and said "I'll be right back." AND LEFT.

    I mean, DUDE.

    I'd do the same.
    Money over hos.

    Spoiler:
  • JansonJanson Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Well, I can understand a sudden panic under those circumstances - I hope his girlfriend was sympathetic!

    sharasugar_80.png sharanomsugar_80.png
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    I brought this one girl home from the bar.
    While going at it, she says "Isn't my pussy so tight?"
    It really wasn't but I said yes anyways.
    Then she says, "I've been having sex since I was 16, and my pussy is still tight!"
    D:

    HAHAHAHA
    GOLDEN!!!!

    Oh jesus that reminds me, I got with this dude once, he was kinda awkward, a bit on the bigger side
    anyways, while we were doing it, he starts talking dirty to me, but it was like... awkward dirty
    he was like "yeaaah yeah you like that, you like my big cock in your pussy yeeeeah" and "oh baby yeah I love the way your pussy feels with my cock in it, it feels so gooood" so I get really creeped out to the point where I don't want to do it anymore and I'm like "yeah... I... I'm not really feeling this anymore, you... done?"
    and so we kinda stop
    and I kinda get up really slowly, put my clothes back on and leave.

  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    I brought this one girl home from the bar.
    While going at it, she says "Isn't my pussy so tight?"
    It really wasn't but I said yes anyways.
    Then she says, "I've been having sex since I was 16, and my pussy is still tight!"
    D:

    HAHAHAHA
    GOLDEN!!!!

    Oh jesus that reminds me, I got with this dude once, he was kinda awkward, a bit on the bigger side
    anyways, while we were doing it, he starts talking dirty to me, but it was like... awkward dirty
    he was like "yeaaah yeah you like that, you like my big cock in your pussy yeeeeah" and "oh baby yeah I love the way your pussy feels with my cock in it, it feels so gooood" so I get really creeped out to the point where I don't want to do it anymore and I'm like "yeah... I... I'm not really feeling this anymore, you... done?"
    and so we kinda stop
    and I kinda get up really slowly, put my clothes back on and leave.

    This is priceless.
    I'm pretty sure this is what every porn chick wants to do when the dude starts talking about his enormous dick.

    Spoiler:
  • DadouwDadouw Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    But what was he doing on your girlfriend's couch!

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    You can kinda tell when everything a guy knows from sex he knows from porn

    guys with more experience just plain don't do that
    if they talk dirty, it's kind of in a funny, cute sexy way but they don't say ridiculous things like that.

    so here is my sex tip of the day young virgins:
    don't do that.

  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    talking at all during sex is pretty stupid

    just get the job done have a little fun and move on

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    yeah i agree i kinda hate sex talk unless it's in a funny ironic manner

    and that can only happen when you're comfortable with the person.

  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    So, there was this dude who proudly proclaimed that he gave the best head in the world.
    I thought that was a pretty huge thing to claim, cause you know, there are like a ton of people in the world.

    We go at it, and the guy is terrible.
    Like so bad, I lose my erection and tell him that I was really tired from work.

    He still says he's the best in the world.

    Spoiler:
  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Urian wrote: »
    talking at all during sex is pretty stupid

    just get the job done have a little fun and move on

    Seriously. I think I've talked like, 3 times during sex, ever. And it's always been shit like "Shit, you okay?" when she hits her head on something.

    Stupid small cars.

    B7ozVfx.png
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Sex talk is fun, but you don't do it like the pornos.
    Girl does not want to hear about your big dick. If she thinks it is large she will say so.
    Guy does not really want to hear about your vajajay being tight. Dude will tell you so.

    Spoiler:
  • Bloods EndBloods End Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I mostly just sing Disney movie songs.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • ZombotZombot Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    Spoiler:
  • zimfanzimfan Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    So, there was this dude who proudly proclaimed that he gave the best head in the world.
    I thought that was a pretty huge thing to claim, cause you know, there are like a ton of people in the world.

    We go at it, and the guy is terrible.
    Like so bad, I lose my erection and tell him that I was really tired from work.

    He still says he's the best in the world.

    he was so good you couldn't handle it

    PasscodeSig.png
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

  • UrianUrian __BANNED USERS
    edited August 2008
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    FUCK YES I know right? Absolutely awesome.

  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Urian wrote: »
    beavotron wrote: »
    Zombot wrote: »
    Beavotron, how can you say you do not love, but draw those awfully nice Valentine pictures?
    By the way, I totally gave those out to all the girls I know, and they all loved them.

    I'm a faker
    behind the exterior of love and bubbly warmth is a cold dead interior
    filled with love not for human kind
    but for video games

    p.s. i just got a lady boner from watching the wrath of the lich king trailer
    jesus christ blizzard knows how to make a cinematic.

    FUCK YES I know right? Absolutely awesome.

    oh jesus the fucking dragon and when all the scourge get the frostmourne bluey glow coming out of their mouths
    oh god oh god oh god.

  • InquisitorInquisitor Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    And suddenly all my fantasies about beavo have been shattered.

    One might say shattered like the huge chunk of ice in the wotlk trailer.

    I...I thought I loved you.

    B7ozVfx.png
  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've had quite a few really bad sex experiences.

    There was the time where I was really terribly drunk and in a bad way after the death of a boyfriend, and I was over at his best friend's house sleeping it off on the couch being too drunk and weepy to make it home.

    I woke up in the middle of the night gagging and there was his dick in my mouth.

    Death to PA.
  • Synthetic OrangeSynthetic Orange Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Beav what's a ladyboner? :o

    Death to PA.
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've never had bad sex

    Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I and do it so much it's losing some of it's panache, though

    reposig.jpg
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've had quite a few really bad sex experiences.

    There was the time where I was really terribly drunk and in a bad way after the death of a boyfriend, and I was over at his best friend's house sleeping it off on the couch being too drunk and weepy to make it home.

    I woke up in the middle of the night gagging and there was his dick in my mouth.

    synth i kind of want to laugh
    but that's really tragic about the loss of your boyfriend :(

    but i still want to laugh
    about the dick in your mouth.

    edit: well a ladyboner is...
    jesus. i...
    how do you explain this to a gay man?

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