Speaking as someone who has worked in security, I've had a few experiences with people who felt they were being followed. Unless this sort of thing works vastly differently in the U.S. / your campus, the officers/students/whoever involved may well be very happy to assist you. If I'm on the floor, and there's a potential problem brewing, I'd much rather know about it in advance than find out too late. It doesn't matter if he's breaking the law or not; he's making you feel uncomfortable, and I strongly suggest you follow the advice given thus far.
If it were just a class (or a few classes) I'd say that maybe it's a simple misunderstanding, but even most socially awkward people know on some level that what they're doing is probably approaching or crossing a line. If he's following you home, that's waving at the line as you leap over it, and they should know better.
Don't feel bad utilizing campus security, that's what they're there for.
Edit: mace can be of questionable usefulness in a crowded setting, like a school, so if you do decide to go down that road, be sure to become extremely well informed as to your state's and school's regulations in that regard.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Try having a friend (male), or just any random dude who is normal, confront him with you. I know any guy would love to be able to act all macho tough for a lady, even a lady he does not know.
This is bad advice. The only reason to do this is to intimidate him for the sake of intimidating. The guy's a creep, but you shouldn't start trying to intimidate him for no other reason than intimidating when there's still the possibility of him being socially inept.
If he refuses to stop following you after you ask then ask big guys to go around with you. Otherwise you're needlessly escalating things.
Okay... after reading your replies, I think I will go to the student dining center after class on Wednesday instead of walking back to my apartment, and if he follows me there I will ask him if he's following me. I don't know. It just seems so uncomfortable! If he says no, what will I say? "Oh, okay, carry on then..."
If he follows me there it is obvious that his and my routine don't just coincide. I guess I will see what he says? I will post and elaborate on what happens on Wednesday. Hopefully it doesn't end up encouraging him. I really really hope that he is just some socially inept guy with a crush and he will go away after I ask.
If he somehow manages to say "No" despite what you've relayed to us here, then he'll probably have gotten the hint that he's being creepy, and that you're on to him. Hopefully it will end there - if it doesn't, then you'll want to get campus police involved and tell them that you already tried telling him off. Keep us informed.
regarding other suggestions:
I don't know what I'd tell the campus police, since he hasn't done anything really all that wrong, he's never even spoken to me, and when I looked up stalking behavior and that sort of thing, it all involves threats made or frequent calls and such to the person being stalked. We have a campus escort, but it is only at night and instead of doing that I generally just ride my bike if I need to go somewhere across campus, figuring that going fast makes me just as safe as waiting for a volunteer with a golf cart. Also I usually avoid going out alone at night in the first place.
He's making you uncomfortable, and following you from place to place. Don't worry about whether or not it fits into a textbook definition of "stalking" - you're not trying to get him convicted right now, you're trying to get him to stop.
Mace... is it a good idea, is it legal in Florida, and if so for the previous two, how do I get some? I've read that the only way it ends up actually being useful is that if you have it in your hand when you are attacked.
Yes, yes, and your local drugstore will probably carry it. "Pepper spray" or "O.C." spray is what you should ask for. What most women do is keep their hand in their purse, on the canister - that way even if the purse is grabbed, you pull out the canister, step away from the attacker holding it, aim for the face, and let fly.
The first step, though, is to contact campus police. Tell them that you're concerned about a guy who's following you, and that you'd appreciate some assistance/advice.
PeregrineFalcon on
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Edit: mace can be of questionable usefulness in a crowded setting, like a school, so if you do decide to go down that road, be sure to become extremely well informed as to your state's and school's regulations in that regard.
Thing is, in a crowded setting where you'd be likely to hit someone else with O.C., that means there's someone else around. A stun gun could be another option, but now we're starting to hit the level of Serious Business.
PeregrineFalcon on
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Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Try having a friend (male), or just any random dude who is normal, confront him with you. I know any guy would love to be able to act all macho tough for a lady, even a lady he does not know.
This is bad advice. The only reason to do this is to intimidate him for the sake of intimidating. The guy's a creep, but you shouldn't start trying to intimidate him for no other reason than intimidating when there's still the possibility of him being socially inept.
If he refuses to stop following you after you ask then ask big guys to go around with you. Otherwise you're needlessly escalating things.
Nonsense. It lets him know you're not alone all the time and not vulnerable. I'm not saying have the dude pick him up by his shirt collar or punch him in the stomach. Just have him stand there with you while you tell the guy that you'd like him to stop following you. Having someone there with you will probably help you be strong enough to do this anyways.
mace just makes bad people angry bad people.
Stay on topic imo, she's not fighting off gangsters in an alley, some dude is just following her on a public campus. Let's not jump to doomsday scanerios.
I think I will go to the student dining center after class on Wednesday instead of walking back to my apartment, and if he follows me there I will ask him if he's following me. I don't know. It just seems so uncomfortable! If he says no, what will I say? "Oh, okay, carry on then..."
Why do you need to ask him? If he does follow you somewhere you don't normally go, you don't need to ask him, you already know. Stop second-guessing yourself, be assertive and direct. The question shouldn't be "Are you following me?" In fact, there shouldn't be any questions at all. There should be brutally direct statements along the lines of "It's obvious you're following me around, it's creepy and it makes me uncomfortable. Go away right now, and stop following me, or I will call campus police." End of discussion.
Hopefully it doesn't end up encouraging him. I really really hope that he is just some socially inept guy with a crush and he will go away after I ask.
Assuming he does follow you to somewhere you normally never go, you know he's tailing you. You are absolutely totally 100% not at fault here, and what he is doing is wrong. If he tries to spin what he's doing, don't put up with that crap, let him have it, verbally, with both barrels. Don't be afraid to make a big scene. No matter what his motivation is for following you, it works entirely to your advantage (other people in the area know something is up) and entirely against his (social humiliation, threat of potential detainment by campus cops).
kaliyamaLeft to find less-moderated foraRegistered Userregular
edited October 2008
Look, the guy is mental. I would just go directly to campus security. If you talk to him directly you're just going to feed his insanity because you will have acknowledged him for the first time. He is definitely stalking you.
While mace will not be effective against everyone, it will certainly have a greater effect than that on most people. Specifically, it will make them unable to see, and in a lot of pain. I haven't personally been maced, but some of my roommates are in police training, and get maced as a part of it. According to them, it's rather incapacitating.
Mace isn't the point here, really. Mace is a good idea in general, just to make yourself feel safer.
I don't think that confronting this person yourself is the correct thing. If the person is innocent and confused, that's that. If there is something more menacing about it, it's really never a good thing to escalate the situation personally. Just letting the campus police know what's up might be for the best, and they might recommend you talk to him yourself, but at that point they'll at least know to be keeping an eye out for you and the other person.
A warning against spray though. Make sure it is actual mace as opposed to your normal everyday pepper spray. The latter has something like a 4/5 effectiveness rating. Sure it's rare for people to be immune to it, but it is possible, as well as being able to build up the ability to resist it. Hell I have a friend who regularly sprays himself just to keep up it's inability against him. Crazy bastard also can stay standing after getting stun-gunned though.
A warning against spray though. Make sure it is actual mace as opposed to your normal everyday pepper spray. The latter has something like a 4/5 effectiveness rating. Sure it's rare for people to be immune to it, but it is possible, as well as being able to build up the ability to resist it. Hell I have a friend who regularly sprays himself just to keep up it's inability against him. Crazy bastard also can stay standing after getting stun-gunned though.
Totally OT, so spoilered.
Actual, genuine "mace" is tear gas in a can, and isn't legal in many states/countries/areas, and I wager it's banned on campus. (Speaking of "banned on campus" make sure you check with campus police if pepper spray is allowed.) "Mace" is a brand of pepper spray; to avoid confusion, most law-enforcement agencies refer to it as O.C. spray, for the active ingredient (oleoresin capsicum) - but when most people say they carry "mace" they mean with the capital M.
With that out of the way, pepper spray and stun guns used by civilians are a totally different animal from that which is used by LEO's. Bear spray is actually measured at 1-2% concentration. LEOs get anywhere from 5-15%. To use nerdspeak, you could tank consumer-level spray, but higher-strength and you're going down.
A contact stun-gun is also a different animal than a barbs-in-your-flesh Taser - although they're now marketing the Taser C2 for civilian protection. You can take a zap to the arm in drive-stun mode and not fall, but that's why you hit the legs, neck, genitals ( ) if you want someone down.
I'd put money on your friend being able to handle a civilian variant or either one reasonably well, but if I nail him with a Taser, he's going to need to be pretty amped up to shrug that off.
PeregrineFalcon on
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How about having someone you know in the area watching who'll be witness, and be able to help in the worst case scenario? Not intimidating to stalker guy, but then you've got the security of someone having your back?
I mean in the event you confront this guy.
As far as asking 'are you following me?' vs outright accusing him, well... anyone who's accused of something usually gets their defenses up and denies it. Asking just gives the guy the hint without outright accusing. Personally I think asking is a matter of tact, and the better option.
Look, if he's actually a stalker there's a good chance he's happy with his (perceived) relationship with you just the way it is. Unlike socially awkward guys with good intentions, people who prey on women LIKE their targets to be vulnerable and oblivious to their surroundings. They don't want you to notice them, they just want to watch, or rifle through your trash, or take you picture with their cell phone a million times or whatnot. Confronting him isn't going to encourage him any more than anything you've already done. Find out his name from your teacher. Point out (to him and campus security/the police/ whoever you choose to help you deal with this) that other students noticed him following you everywhere and brought him to your attention. Tell him to stop. If you see him again, you'll have legitimate reason to have authorities talk to him.
For all you know, he might like you, and is an incredibly nerd who has no idea what to do about it..
STOP IT.
WTF is wrong with all you people that give this behavior a pass due to hypothetical bullshit about the bad guy? It isn't normal, it's not ok, and she has no obligation to put up with his shit. At all. His reasons never enter into this, and aren't important. She doesn't 'have' to speak with him anymore than she has to speak to anyone, ever. So please stop with this.
And really, so the fuck what if he is harmless? "BUT I HAZ A CRUSH" is not an excuse to act like a creepy fucker and follow people around. You don't want to be perceived as a creepy fucker, don't ACT like a creepy fucker.
OP - Campus cops. Now. This guy could be a well known stalker or he might not even be a student. Trust your gut here. You KNOW something isn't quite right and you don't feel comfortable confronting him because you haven't done so yet.
For all you know, he might like you, and is an incredibly nerd who has no idea what to do about it..
STOP IT.
WTF is wrong with all you people that give this behavior a pass due to hypothetical bullshit about the bad guy? It isn't normal, it's not ok, and she has no obligation to put up with his shit. At all. His reasons never enter into this, and aren't important. She doesn't 'have' to speak with him anymore than she has to speak to anyone, ever. So please stop with this.
And really, so the fuck what if he is harmless? "BUT I HAZ A CRUSH" is not an excuse to act like a creepy fucker and follow people around. You don't want to be perceived as a creepy fucker, don't ACT like a creepy fucker.
OP - Campus cops. Now. This guy could be a well known stalker or he might not even be a student. Trust your gut here. You KNOW something isn't quite right and you don't feel comfortable confronting him because you haven't done so yet.
This. Seriously. The amount of stalker apologists in this thread is alarming.
Follower-guy again, sat behind me. The next class, I tried to get there late. I went to sit at the front of the classroom. Follower-guy got up from the back of the classroom where he was sitting, to again sit behind me, and proceeded to follow me to my next class. This is kind of creepy to me, and I have started to notice him in other places too, like outside of the building that I live, and outside another one of my classes.
Don't fool yourself here, he IS doing something terribly wrong. How far is your apartment from campus? From seat to seat, class to class and even being outside your home, this isn't mild "following".
I am skipping that class today that he is in, because I just can't take the uncomfortableness, but I know that it isn't good for me to be skipping and that I need to figure out some way to deal with this.
I've recently dealt with a stalker myself and it's stopped since I contacted the authorities. I guess they gave him an effective warning.. I suggest you to either confront him asap or like Jon said, college police.
Someone said earlier to find out his name from the teacher. This is a waste of time. It's college, the professors don't know or care who attends class anyway.
I suggest you to either confront him asap or like Jon said, college police.
Confrontation: Forget changing your routes. You already know he's following you. Say you go to the diner and he just happens to not follow you that day? Will your response be, "Oh maybe next time.." ? Deal with it right after class! Being direct may deter him from future stalking. And don't ASK. Just say "Hi, I've noticed you've been following me around recently. Don't deny it, it's creeping me out. Please stop or I'll contact the police."
If he doesn't, tell your professors/college police, etc. Who cares about looking like the 'crazy person' when we're talking about your safety here.
Going straight to the campus cops: In my experience, this has been more effective. I believe campus cops are actual cops too so don't underestimate what they can do for you. They're there to help, so take it if you feel too uncomfortable to confront him yourself. Remember, putting things off is going to worsen/extend the situation.
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kaliyamaLeft to find less-moderated foraRegistered Userregular
For all you know, he might like you, and is an incredibly nerd who has no idea what to do about it..
STOP IT.
WTF is wrong with all you people that give this behavior a pass due to hypothetical bullshit about the bad guy? It isn't normal, it's not ok, and she has no obligation to put up with his shit. At all. His reasons never enter into this, and aren't important. She doesn't 'have' to speak with him anymore than she has to speak to anyone, ever. So please stop with this.
And really, so the fuck what if he is harmless? "BUT I HAZ A CRUSH" is not an excuse to act like a creepy fucker and follow people around. You don't want to be perceived as a creepy fucker, don't ACT like a creepy fucker.
OP - Campus cops. Now. This guy could be a well known stalker or he might not even be a student. Trust your gut here. You KNOW something isn't quite right and you don't feel comfortable confronting him because you haven't done so yet.
This. Seriously. The amount of stalker apologists in this thread is alarming.
I really don't understand it. Did the apologists do things like this? I can't imagine so
document it
report it (give your professors a heads up, explain you're feeling uncomfortable and have them double check that he's actually registered in the class, not just following you)
report it to the cops - they can't do anything now but it doesn't hurt to have a statement on file
do you live in an apartment? Talk to any of your neighbours? Mention to them this dude's hanging around and shouldn't be let into the building
walk with friends whenever possible
make sure all your doors and suchlike are locked as well. And always have your cellphone (on and charged) with you.
Believe me, I hear you on the being totally creeped/weirded out. I had a peeping tom a couple years ago, thought he'd stopped and when he came back I called into work and told them I couldn't work after dark anymore, starting immediately. I only lost him when I moved, so unfortunately I don't have any awesome tips on scaring away freaky people like that
And really, so the fuck what if he is harmless? "BUT I HAZ A CRUSH" is not an excuse to act like a creepy fucker and follow people around.
This right here.
I'm actually willing to bet the guy's more likely to be a stalker. But if he's not, he's just just a socially inept guy who can't work up the courage to talk to a girl he has a crush on and who won't be helped any by being immediately shunted for his inability. Because if that's all it is then it will only take her to ask him to stop. If it's more, then she can call the campus police. It's not like the guy's going to rape her in the dining hall.
I'm not saying she shouldn't take immediate precautions, but people's paranoia over riding both the courtesy and confidence one should have to first deal with someone face to face is disturbing.
Is he foreign? He could just get lost easily and you share the same schedule? I mean I know its easy to jump to the dudes a stalker, but with little information it could simply be a misunderstanding.
You sound like you have a good plan I'd stick with it.
Preacher on
I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.
I think the apologists are the "he's done nothing but sit near you, and walk in the same direction. It might be creepy stalker, or he might just be nervous & shy." Because a lot of nervous shy dudes are computer geeks who crush on girls and know what it's like to sit near someone in a class because you think they're pretty, but you never get the guts to say anything because, deep down, you know you have nothing in common.
She hasn't even said he's staring at her. So the personal confrontation, at this point, I think is fair. She doesn't need to get someone to beat his ass, she doesn't need pepper spray.
Also, many people say that self defense sprays are relatively useless, because an attacker is more than likely going to overpower you as soon as he thinks you're going for something, and then will use it on you. Whistles are far, far more effective than stun guns, mace, pistols, etc. when it comes to basic self defense, because an attacker can't use it against you.
They make very obnoxious air-horns with a one way switch for this sort of thing. Once the pin is pulled to open the valve it's very hard to turn it off.
Personally, I'd rather save my lung-juice for running than a whistle.
Just a suggestion on that front.
The dude knows he's being creepy, that's probably half of his enjoyment.
I'm not saying you should just drop your guard (people should always be aware of their surroundings and mindful of their welfare) I just want to reiterate, because you sound scared: there's a great- incredibly great- chance that nothing untoward will come of this. I am 99% sure (especially assuming your 'building' is a dorm and you live on campus) that he's either an awkward crusher or he's a more obsessed but harmless (physically harmless, that is) fan.
So, absolutely take some steps to feel safe and restore your comfort level. Don't worry, though. You are completely fine and safe.
Organichu on
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VivixenneRemember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered Userregular
edited October 2008
You don't really have to confirm that he's actually following you for you to open your mouth and talk to the guy. Just say that you see him around a lot and want to know what's up.
Depending on his answer, you know whether to be creeped out (in which case you tell him to please leave you alone he's making you very uncomfortable) or to ease off the paranoia. The fact that other people have noticed, though, is a signal that this is not going to be something that is a trick of your imagination.
So stop him after class and tell him you see him everywhere and that he always sits behind you and is it just coincidence or is something up.
Trying to "confirm" whether or not he's following seems unnecessary. You are uncomfortable. That's all the cause you need. If you're wrong and he's NOT following you, just apologize and make an excuse like "oh my bad, sorry, it could be someone who looks a lot like you then." If you're right, which you likely are, you nip it in the bud.
If he doesn't comply, confront him again and tell him you were serious and that if he really doesn't back off, you will contact the police.
If he doesn't comply AGAIN, contact the police.
Going straight to the cops without confrontation will likely result in the cops wanting to know why you didn't just tell him to leave you alone. And if the cops take any action against him without prior notice from you that you want him to leave you alone, it could lead to escalation.
The amount of people who are flying off the fucking rocker about this is inane. Yes, it is creepy, but like Quid has said, she needs to confront him first in the event that he is not dangerous. People are socially inept. It's true. He may not necessarily be aware that he's doing anything creepy or wrong.
(And as an aside, one's inability to recognize that such people exist ALSO hints at social ineptitude.)
She should not go anywhere alone until the matter is settled, this is true, but extremely overreacting paranoia is another entirely.
I think the apologists are the "he's done nothing but sit near you, and walk in the same direction. It might be creepy stalker, or he might just be nervous & shy." Because a lot of nervous shy dudes are computer geeks who crush on girls and know what it's like to sit near someone in a class because you think they're pretty, but you never get the guts to say anything because, deep down, you know you have nothing in common.
She hasn't even said he's staring at her. So the personal confrontation, at this point, I think is fair. She doesn't need to get someone to beat his ass, she doesn't need pepper spray.
Also, many people say that self defense sprays are relatively useless, because an attacker is more than likely going to overpower you as soon as he thinks you're going for something, and then will use it on you. Whistles are far, far more effective than stun guns, mace, pistols, etc. when it comes to basic self defense, because an attacker can't use it against you.
Well, I think it's also partly that he isn't really a crazy stalker, simply telling him "you following me around is f-ing creepy, stop it" will almost certainly cause him to be so embarrassed as to stop immediately, and jumping immediately to carrying around mace and a taser is a bit of an overreaction.
However, I'm sure your campus police/security will be more than happy to help you deal with this if it continues after that first conversation
This. Seriously. The amount of stalker apologists in this thread is alarming.
Apologist nothing. This is America, where people are innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. And considering the guy appears to be a college kid, who can be quite awkward in a variety of ways, "socially awkward" is not a reasonable doubt.
I don't think anyone is saying to coddle him, or using it as an excuse for his behavior. But there's no need to demonize someone when they haven't done anything wrong.
Apologist nothing. This is America, where people are innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
This isn't a criminal trial dimwit.
She's "being followed by a suspicious person" by any rational definition of the phrase. When "being followed by a suspicious person" you should seek out law enforcement and let THEM figure out if he's dangerous or not. And in fact, something about the guy was off or alarming enough for her not to approach him and for her to seek help.
Now you are telling her to ignore her better judgment and confront him. Why?
Going straight to the cops without confrontation will likely result in the cops wanting to know why you didn't just tell him to leave you alone. And if the cops take any action against him without prior notice from you that you want him to leave you alone, it could lead to escalation.
So going to the cops will do nothing except get her killed? That's just fucked up. What the hell is wrong with you?
PirateJon on
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VivixenneRemember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered Userregular
Going straight to the cops without confrontation will likely result in the cops wanting to know why you didn't just tell him to leave you alone. And if the cops take any action against him without prior notice from you that you want him to leave you alone, it could lead to escalation.
So going to the cops will do nothing except get her killed? That's just fucked up. What the hell is wrong with you?
I'm pretty sure nothing is wrong with me and everything is wrong with your reading comprehension. Also your ability to understand how people think and work.
Point is, you have to confront the guy first. As I said, that's the first thing the cops are going to ask if she reports it: did she tell him to leave her alone?
You seem to have something against sticking up for yourself and telling someone "NO, FUCK OFF" as a first course of action and instead flip the fuck out. It was evident in previous threads like this one and it's evident here. Guess what. IT IS NOT A BAD THING TO BE RATIONAL ABOUT THIS FIRST. Point is, get the cops involved as a LAST resort. Tell him to leave you alone (confront him with a friend if you have to), tell him to fuck off or you'll call the cops.
Dealing with your shit in its early stages instead of running off and asking other people to deal with it for you is a SANE and RATIONAL thing to do. Flipping the fuck out and assuming worst-case scenarios as the norm is NOT, it is fear-mongering so knock it the fuck off.
I have to agree with Quid in this case. It is entirely possible that this guy is a stalker, but going straight to the authorities without even asking him to stop seems kind of silly. Yes, make sure you're doing it in a public place, like in class, or at a dining hall, or anywhere very public. You probably should have something to defend yourself with, just make sure it's not in violation of any school policies. Like Vivixenne said, you don't really need to confirm that he's following you, even if you're under the impression that he's following you is enough to confront him about it. Honestly, it is entirely possible that this guy isn't a stalker and has a social disorder. Having dealt with a little brother who has autism and has done socially inappropriate stuff without actually knowing that he was doing anything wrong rings too familiar a bell here, even if this is a possibly extreme case. Just don't be so quick to demonize someone who may be entirely harmless.
I also don't get the stalker apologists here. This guy sits *directly* behind her every time. He will get up and move to sit directly behind her. He follows her to her next class. He followed her to her building.
Small chance he has Asperger's or something, but take it from someone who was kind of a shy, socially clueless geek for much college - put together those behaviors are WAY out of bounds.
The first piece of advice I always see given when dealing with stalkers is to trust your gut. If your instincts tell you to be worried about this guy, LISTEN TO THEM (see "The Gift of Fear"). Even if they don't, be extremely careful. You do need to confront him and tell him to stop in extremely clear language once before you can go up the ladder to get the police involved. You need to get a situation where you feel comfortable doing that, whether it means having friends with you, contacting campus security and having them around, etc.
If you get any reaction other than him apologizing profusely for extreme social ineptitude and sitting in the opposite corner of your class for the rest of the semester, contact the campus police immediately.
Apologist nothing. This is America, where people are innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
This isn't a criminal trial dimwit.
Who said it was? The concept of giving someone the benefit of the doubt extends beyond the legal system.
The cops are a last-ditch effort. Their schedules are already loaded down, and I'm sure they'd appreciate you exhausting your own options before going to them. Mace/pepper spray/other self-defense implements are good to have, but also last-ditch--you really want to be sure that the dude you're incapacitating is deserving of it.
Basically, you can solve this through a "why are you following me? you're making me very uncomfortable when you do, stop it." If he persists after that, then it's time to get johnny law involved.
Dealing with your shit in its early stages instead of running off and asking other people to deal with it for you is a SANE and RATIONAL thing to do. Flipping the fuck out and assuming worst-case scenarios as the norm is NOT, it is fear-mongering so knock it the fuck off.
Well-put. :^:
Seattle Thread on
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VivixenneRemember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered Userregular
edited October 2008
Who's being an apologist here? Most people are encouraging her to confront him first, THEN go to the cops if he doesn't leave her alone after the confrontation.
I don't get how holding this attitude is making anyone an apologist. It makes you rational and adult.
OP- I'm going to add that in my case, I confronted him first. He failed to comply and thus, I followed up by notifying the cops. Vivi's right, they DO ask you if you have at least made an attempt to confront him. So do so in a safe environment. You will be safe, I'm sure. It's not like he would have seen it coming and would have been prepared to harm you in any way.
If he doesn't comply, confront him again and tell him you were serious and that if he really doesn't back off, you will contact the police.
If he doesn't comply AGAIN, contact the police.
I disagree. If she tells him to stop the first time after class on Wednesday, then he's hanging around her building on say Friday, she should just call campus security or the police. I don't see why a second interaction would help with someone who didn't respond to being told unequivocally to stop the first time. As soon as he crosses that line security should be involved as quickly as possible.
Nissl on
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VivixenneRemember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered Userregular
edited October 2008
I mentioned a three-step confrontation because the OP wasn't sure if the guy was even following her or not. If she's really not sure and WANTS CONFIRMATION (not that she needs it) for her own peace of mind, then the first thing she should do it just approach him and very subtly say that she's seen him around and is wondering what's up with that. If she doesn't need confirmation, then no niceties are going to be overtly necessary.
DEPENDING ON HIS ANSWER, she should be able to figure out whether he really is a creep or whether he is just a shy awkward dude and she can confront him accordingly.
Different people need to be dealt with in different ways to attain maximum effect. If he's shy and awkward, tell him that it is making her very uncomfortable, she doesn't like it, and she would prefer if he would leave her alone and keep his distance.
If he's a creep, then she needs to very aggressively tell him to fuck off and leave her alone or she'll call the cops.
To be fair, being aggressive will likely work in both cases, but for a shy and awkward guy, being yelled at is more cause for embarrassment than an actual understanding that he makes her uncomfortable and needs to knock it off. Both will make him stop, but one will make him stop more permanently.
Regardless of how she does it, she needs to confront him first (in a public place and with a friend by her side who is NOT a dude) and in a public place before she goes to the authorities.
Yes, second interaction isn't necessary. One's enough. The point is, confrontation first. Austera did it once, oui? Now let's just allow the OP to put things into motion.
Both will make him stop, but one will make him stop more permanently.
Also, assuming it's just the social ineptitude, it can actually help him a lot more as a person if it's explained politely than shouted at him since he clearly has problems of his own that won't be solved by being exposed to someone being a jerk.
I don't really see that as a multistep confrontation, just a kind of indirect way of starting a single confrontation. I would probably be a bit more direct and start by mentioning politely that some friends thought he was following her, and that after that she noticed he got up and moved in class to sit behind her and that it is making her extremely uncomfortable. If he denies that it was intentional, I would reiterate that it was making her uncomfortable anyway and that I would like him to make a major effort to sit in another part of the classroom for the rest of the semester. If it was intentional and he has autism/Asperger's, same request. In both cases, I would request a campus security escort to/from class for a couple weeks just to be certain. Any other response to that conversation? Cops. She sees him hanging around her building a day or two later? Cops. He follows/sits behind her again? Cops. Not 911, just the normal number.
Trust me, they would probably like to have a nice long chat with him if any of this stuff continues past a first confrontation. Statistically, there really aren't a lot of other productive things she can do if a first, clear confrontation is unsuccessful in deterring the behavior.
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VivixenneRemember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered Userregular
edited October 2008
I am perhaps of the mind that she has to warn him that she's going to call the cops before she actually does so. I'm trying to picture the exchange in my mind and she can either do it softly two times (not mentioning the cops until the second time) or very hard once (threaten cops right away).
It would depend on just how uncomfortable she feels, how seriously she decides to take this, and how she wants to manage the actual confrontation itself. But one does need to take place, particularly when this is, as yet, harmless, for he has made no move to interact with her directly. This is recognizing what's wrong and nipping it in the bud.
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If it were just a class (or a few classes) I'd say that maybe it's a simple misunderstanding, but even most socially awkward people know on some level that what they're doing is probably approaching or crossing a line. If he's following you home, that's waving at the line as you leap over it, and they should know better.
Don't feel bad utilizing campus security, that's what they're there for.
Edit: mace can be of questionable usefulness in a crowded setting, like a school, so if you do decide to go down that road, be sure to become extremely well informed as to your state's and school's regulations in that regard.
If he refuses to stop following you after you ask then ask big guys to go around with you. Otherwise you're needlessly escalating things.
If he somehow manages to say "No" despite what you've relayed to us here, then he'll probably have gotten the hint that he's being creepy, and that you're on to him. Hopefully it will end there - if it doesn't, then you'll want to get campus police involved and tell them that you already tried telling him off. Keep us informed.
He's making you uncomfortable, and following you from place to place. Don't worry about whether or not it fits into a textbook definition of "stalking" - you're not trying to get him convicted right now, you're trying to get him to stop.
Yes, yes, and your local drugstore will probably carry it. "Pepper spray" or "O.C." spray is what you should ask for. What most women do is keep their hand in their purse, on the canister - that way even if the purse is grabbed, you pull out the canister, step away from the attacker holding it, aim for the face, and let fly.
The first step, though, is to contact campus police. Tell them that you're concerned about a guy who's following you, and that you'd appreciate some assistance/advice.
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Thing is, in a crowded setting where you'd be likely to hit someone else with O.C., that means there's someone else around. A stun gun could be another option, but now we're starting to hit the level of Serious Business.
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Nonsense. It lets him know you're not alone all the time and not vulnerable. I'm not saying have the dude pick him up by his shirt collar or punch him in the stomach. Just have him stand there with you while you tell the guy that you'd like him to stop following you. Having someone there with you will probably help you be strong enough to do this anyways.
mace just makes bad people angry bad people.
Stay on topic imo, she's not fighting off gangsters in an alley, some dude is just following her on a public campus. Let's not jump to doomsday scanerios.
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Assuming he does follow you to somewhere you normally never go, you know he's tailing you. You are absolutely totally 100% not at fault here, and what he is doing is wrong. If he tries to spin what he's doing, don't put up with that crap, let him have it, verbally, with both barrels. Don't be afraid to make a big scene. No matter what his motivation is for following you, it works entirely to your advantage (other people in the area know something is up) and entirely against his (social humiliation, threat of potential detainment by campus cops).
While mace will not be effective against everyone, it will certainly have a greater effect than that on most people. Specifically, it will make them unable to see, and in a lot of pain. I haven't personally been maced, but some of my roommates are in police training, and get maced as a part of it. According to them, it's rather incapacitating.
I don't think that confronting this person yourself is the correct thing. If the person is innocent and confused, that's that. If there is something more menacing about it, it's really never a good thing to escalate the situation personally. Just letting the campus police know what's up might be for the best, and they might recommend you talk to him yourself, but at that point they'll at least know to be keeping an eye out for you and the other person.
Totally OT, so spoilered.
With that out of the way, pepper spray and stun guns used by civilians are a totally different animal from that which is used by LEO's. Bear spray is actually measured at 1-2% concentration. LEOs get anywhere from 5-15%. To use nerdspeak, you could tank consumer-level spray, but higher-strength and you're going down.
A contact stun-gun is also a different animal than a barbs-in-your-flesh Taser - although they're now marketing the Taser C2 for civilian protection. You can take a zap to the arm in drive-stun mode and not fall, but that's why you hit the legs, neck, genitals (
I'd put money on your friend being able to handle a civilian variant or either one reasonably well, but if I nail him with a Taser, he's going to need to be pretty amped up to shrug that off.
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I mean in the event you confront this guy.
As far as asking 'are you following me?' vs outright accusing him, well... anyone who's accused of something usually gets their defenses up and denies it. Asking just gives the guy the hint without outright accusing. Personally I think asking is a matter of tact, and the better option.
For all you know, he might like you, and is an incredibly nerd who has no idea what to do about it..
Although it is rather creepy..
Confront him. But make sure you have mace.
WTF is wrong with all you people that give this behavior a pass due to hypothetical bullshit about the bad guy? It isn't normal, it's not ok, and she has no obligation to put up with his shit. At all. His reasons never enter into this, and aren't important. She doesn't 'have' to speak with him anymore than she has to speak to anyone, ever. So please stop with this.
And really, so the fuck what if he is harmless? "BUT I HAZ A CRUSH" is not an excuse to act like a creepy fucker and follow people around. You don't want to be perceived as a creepy fucker, don't ACT like a creepy fucker.
OP - Campus cops. Now. This guy could be a well known stalker or he might not even be a student. Trust your gut here. You KNOW something isn't quite right and you don't feel comfortable confronting him because you haven't done so yet.
This. Seriously. The amount of stalker apologists in this thread is alarming.
I've recently dealt with a stalker myself and it's stopped since I contacted the authorities. I guess they gave him an effective warning.. I suggest you to either confront him asap or like Jon said, college police.
Someone said earlier to find out his name from the teacher. This is a waste of time. It's college, the professors don't know or care who attends class anyway.
I suggest you to either confront him asap or like Jon said, college police.
Confrontation: Forget changing your routes. You already know he's following you. Say you go to the diner and he just happens to not follow you that day? Will your response be, "Oh maybe next time.." ? Deal with it right after class! Being direct may deter him from future stalking. And don't ASK. Just say "Hi, I've noticed you've been following me around recently. Don't deny it, it's creeping me out. Please stop or I'll contact the police."
If he doesn't, tell your professors/college police, etc. Who cares about looking like the 'crazy person' when we're talking about your safety here.
Going straight to the campus cops: In my experience, this has been more effective. I believe campus cops are actual cops too so don't underestimate what they can do for you. They're there to help, so take it if you feel too uncomfortable to confront him yourself. Remember, putting things off is going to worsen/extend the situation.
I really don't understand it. Did the apologists do things like this? I can't imagine so
report it (give your professors a heads up, explain you're feeling uncomfortable and have them double check that he's actually registered in the class, not just following you)
report it to the cops - they can't do anything now but it doesn't hurt to have a statement on file
do you live in an apartment? Talk to any of your neighbours? Mention to them this dude's hanging around and shouldn't be let into the building
walk with friends whenever possible
make sure all your doors and suchlike are locked as well. And always have your cellphone (on and charged) with you.
Believe me, I hear you on the being totally creeped/weirded out. I had a peeping tom a couple years ago, thought he'd stopped and when he came back I called into work and told them I couldn't work after dark anymore, starting immediately. I only lost him when I moved, so unfortunately I don't have any awesome tips on scaring away freaky people like that
I'm actually willing to bet the guy's more likely to be a stalker. But if he's not, he's just just a socially inept guy who can't work up the courage to talk to a girl he has a crush on and who won't be helped any by being immediately shunted for his inability. Because if that's all it is then it will only take her to ask him to stop. If it's more, then she can call the campus police. It's not like the guy's going to rape her in the dining hall.
I'm not saying she shouldn't take immediate precautions, but people's paranoia over riding both the courtesy and confidence one should have to first deal with someone face to face is disturbing.
You sound like you have a good plan I'd stick with it.
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She hasn't even said he's staring at her. So the personal confrontation, at this point, I think is fair. She doesn't need to get someone to beat his ass, she doesn't need pepper spray.
Also, many people say that self defense sprays are relatively useless, because an attacker is more than likely going to overpower you as soon as he thinks you're going for something, and then will use it on you. Whistles are far, far more effective than stun guns, mace, pistols, etc. when it comes to basic self defense, because an attacker can't use it against you.
Personally, I'd rather save my lung-juice for running than a whistle.
Just a suggestion on that front.
The dude knows he's being creepy, that's probably half of his enjoyment.
So, absolutely take some steps to feel safe and restore your comfort level. Don't worry, though. You are completely fine and safe.
Depending on his answer, you know whether to be creeped out (in which case you tell him to please leave you alone he's making you very uncomfortable) or to ease off the paranoia. The fact that other people have noticed, though, is a signal that this is not going to be something that is a trick of your imagination.
So stop him after class and tell him you see him everywhere and that he always sits behind you and is it just coincidence or is something up.
Trying to "confirm" whether or not he's following seems unnecessary. You are uncomfortable. That's all the cause you need. If you're wrong and he's NOT following you, just apologize and make an excuse like "oh my bad, sorry, it could be someone who looks a lot like you then." If you're right, which you likely are, you nip it in the bud.
If he doesn't comply, confront him again and tell him you were serious and that if he really doesn't back off, you will contact the police.
If he doesn't comply AGAIN, contact the police.
Going straight to the cops without confrontation will likely result in the cops wanting to know why you didn't just tell him to leave you alone. And if the cops take any action against him without prior notice from you that you want him to leave you alone, it could lead to escalation.
The amount of people who are flying off the fucking rocker about this is inane. Yes, it is creepy, but like Quid has said, she needs to confront him first in the event that he is not dangerous. People are socially inept. It's true. He may not necessarily be aware that he's doing anything creepy or wrong.
(And as an aside, one's inability to recognize that such people exist ALSO hints at social ineptitude.)
She should not go anywhere alone until the matter is settled, this is true, but extremely overreacting paranoia is another entirely.
Well, I think it's also partly that he isn't really a crazy stalker, simply telling him "you following me around is f-ing creepy, stop it" will almost certainly cause him to be so embarrassed as to stop immediately, and jumping immediately to carrying around mace and a taser is a bit of an overreaction.
However, I'm sure your campus police/security will be more than happy to help you deal with this if it continues after that first conversation
I don't think anyone is saying to coddle him, or using it as an excuse for his behavior. But there's no need to demonize someone when they haven't done anything wrong.
She's "being followed by a suspicious person" by any rational definition of the phrase. When "being followed by a suspicious person" you should seek out law enforcement and let THEM figure out if he's dangerous or not. And in fact, something about the guy was off or alarming enough for her not to approach him and for her to seek help.
Now you are telling her to ignore her better judgment and confront him. Why?
So going to the cops will do nothing except get her killed? That's just fucked up. What the hell is wrong with you?
Point is, you have to confront the guy first. As I said, that's the first thing the cops are going to ask if she reports it: did she tell him to leave her alone?
You seem to have something against sticking up for yourself and telling someone "NO, FUCK OFF" as a first course of action and instead flip the fuck out. It was evident in previous threads like this one and it's evident here. Guess what. IT IS NOT A BAD THING TO BE RATIONAL ABOUT THIS FIRST. Point is, get the cops involved as a LAST resort. Tell him to leave you alone (confront him with a friend if you have to), tell him to fuck off or you'll call the cops.
Dealing with your shit in its early stages instead of running off and asking other people to deal with it for you is a SANE and RATIONAL thing to do. Flipping the fuck out and assuming worst-case scenarios as the norm is NOT, it is fear-mongering so knock it the fuck off.
Small chance he has Asperger's or something, but take it from someone who was kind of a shy, socially clueless geek for much college - put together those behaviors are WAY out of bounds.
The first piece of advice I always see given when dealing with stalkers is to trust your gut. If your instincts tell you to be worried about this guy, LISTEN TO THEM (see "The Gift of Fear"). Even if they don't, be extremely careful. You do need to confront him and tell him to stop in extremely clear language once before you can go up the ladder to get the police involved. You need to get a situation where you feel comfortable doing that, whether it means having friends with you, contacting campus security and having them around, etc.
If you get any reaction other than him apologizing profusely for extreme social ineptitude and sitting in the opposite corner of your class for the rest of the semester, contact the campus police immediately.
The cops are a last-ditch effort. Their schedules are already loaded down, and I'm sure they'd appreciate you exhausting your own options before going to them. Mace/pepper spray/other self-defense implements are good to have, but also last-ditch--you really want to be sure that the dude you're incapacitating is deserving of it.
Basically, you can solve this through a "why are you following me? you're making me very uncomfortable when you do, stop it." If he persists after that, then it's time to get johnny law involved.
Well-put. :^:
I don't get how holding this attitude is making anyone an apologist. It makes you rational and adult.
This. This is it.
I disagree. If she tells him to stop the first time after class on Wednesday, then he's hanging around her building on say Friday, she should just call campus security or the police. I don't see why a second interaction would help with someone who didn't respond to being told unequivocally to stop the first time. As soon as he crosses that line security should be involved as quickly as possible.
DEPENDING ON HIS ANSWER, she should be able to figure out whether he really is a creep or whether he is just a shy awkward dude and she can confront him accordingly.
Different people need to be dealt with in different ways to attain maximum effect. If he's shy and awkward, tell him that it is making her very uncomfortable, she doesn't like it, and she would prefer if he would leave her alone and keep his distance.
If he's a creep, then she needs to very aggressively tell him to fuck off and leave her alone or she'll call the cops.
To be fair, being aggressive will likely work in both cases, but for a shy and awkward guy, being yelled at is more cause for embarrassment than an actual understanding that he makes her uncomfortable and needs to knock it off. Both will make him stop, but one will make him stop more permanently.
Regardless of how she does it, she needs to confront him first (in a public place and with a friend by her side who is NOT a dude) and in a public place before she goes to the authorities.
Yes, second interaction isn't necessary. One's enough. The point is, confrontation first. Austera did it once, oui? Now let's just allow the OP to put things into motion.
I don't really see that as a multistep confrontation, just a kind of indirect way of starting a single confrontation. I would probably be a bit more direct and start by mentioning politely that some friends thought he was following her, and that after that she noticed he got up and moved in class to sit behind her and that it is making her extremely uncomfortable. If he denies that it was intentional, I would reiterate that it was making her uncomfortable anyway and that I would like him to make a major effort to sit in another part of the classroom for the rest of the semester. If it was intentional and he has autism/Asperger's, same request. In both cases, I would request a campus security escort to/from class for a couple weeks just to be certain. Any other response to that conversation? Cops. She sees him hanging around her building a day or two later? Cops. He follows/sits behind her again? Cops. Not 911, just the normal number.
Trust me, they would probably like to have a nice long chat with him if any of this stuff continues past a first confrontation. Statistically, there really aren't a lot of other productive things she can do if a first, clear confrontation is unsuccessful in deterring the behavior.
It would depend on just how uncomfortable she feels, how seriously she decides to take this, and how she wants to manage the actual confrontation itself. But one does need to take place, particularly when this is, as yet, harmless, for he has made no move to interact with her directly. This is recognizing what's wrong and nipping it in the bud.