Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!

Women + Me =

victor_c26victor_c26 Registered User regular
edited December 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Well. I'm the usual "Nice Guy", except that I don't really fit into the same criteria that most people seem to hate about "Nice Guys" (ie, "Nice Guys" hate anyone that is in a relationship, Romantic delusions, etc). I know I'm the one with the problem.

I also came to the realization that, technically, I don't have an actual personality. I talk with friends freely about interests and hobbies, but when it comes to conversing with acquaintances and people I generally don't know enough about, I freeze up. I'm a blank tape. Considering how, you know, normal people talk freely, it's like I have an extreme case of social anxiety. I get nervous, tense, jittery, and invoke a mild stutter when talking.

I was really quiet when I was in Elementary school. The kid that got picked on, etc. In High School, the exact opposite experience; talked with people freely, and I was socially accepted. But members of the opposite sex, no go there.

Now, I still tend to be relatively quiet with acquaintances and general people out there. I just tried talking to this girl where I work, and needless to say, I'm pretty sure I creeped her the fuck out without realizing it (Used to talk to me, Doesn't anymore. And the "Hey"s and "Hi" are have an added unspoken "Now go away" layer added to them"). When it comes to "Flirting" or "Chit Chatting" with me, imagine Chris Farley's explanation in the movie Tommy Boy, when he's talking to the waitress in the restaurant about his failed attempts at selling Callahan Brake Pads. Yeah. Friends give the usual "You have to act like an asshole", but I can't even begin to attempt to do that, if I get socially anxious the instant I talk with an acquaintance.

So I don't really know where I stand here. I want to fix this, but the usual "Talk with more people" ends with the same social anxiety, and me cutting my losses and aborting as fast as possible.

Articles like these don't really help either: 1 In 5 Young Adults Has Personality Disorder

Article wrote:
he disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence.

Yay...

victor_c26 on
steam_sig.png
MK: DS Code: 528.341.706.032 - Import from Play-Asia PSN: VictorX10
«1

Posts

  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    The last conversation with the girl, the one that didn't go well...

    elaborate.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • Capt HowdyCapt Howdy Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    So what are your strengths? Try playing to your strengths is my advice.

    Steam: kaylesolo1
    3DS: 1521-4165-5907
    PS3: KayleSolo
    Live: Kayle Solo
    WiiU: KayleSolo
  • Richard_DastardlyRichard_Dastardly Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    The whole act-like-an-asshole routine is bunk. Don't do it.

    And, how old are you?

    ಠ_ರೃ wrote: »
    cats are douches
  • urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I will say that I was the exact same as you. And you know what helped? I got a job working retail as a computer salesman at Best Buy. It sucked at first, but in order to make the paycheck you had to talk to people you didn't know (including cute girls). So if you don't have a job, I'd recommend that.

    Games completed recently: Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Dead Island: Riptide, Batman: Arkham Origins, StarCraft 2: Heart of the Swarm, StarCraft 2: Wings of Liberty
  • KyleWPetersonKyleWPeterson Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Being social isn't natural, or at least being good at it isn't. When you meet someone for the first time consider it an opportunity to practice small talk. This can be in a classroom, at the grocery store while you're the cashier is ringing up your food, or anywhere really. Just practice conversing with people and being a more welcoming, approachable person, and it will get better over time. There's really no advice you can get that will make this better overnight, you're going to need to be very proactive in changing this part of yourself.

  • victor_c26victor_c26 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I'm 24. Yeah, i know...

    I have a job, but its doing research for criminal backgrounds for a company that I'm not at liberty to say.

    And the conversation that went bad with the girl at work, I basically talked to her about things she had going on in her life (initiated by her). When I walked into the coffee lounge though, i didn't know she was there, so the jittery nervious mess that I am choked on my own saliva. She said something to the affect of "You thing I'm that ugly?" jokingly. now i say this now because after our conversation I just said "You're beautiful by the way, just incase I wasn't clear". "she said "You're making me blush" and that was the end of the conversation.

    Ever since I tried talking to her, it doesn't really seem like she wants to talk to me anymore.

    I'm going to be gone for a bit as our company is one of the few (It seems) to have a strict no cellphone and no non-work related internet use policy.

    I typed this on my cellphone. later guys. and thanks for any advice given and that will be given in advance.

    steam_sig.png
    MK: DS Code: 528.341.706.032 - Import from Play-Asia PSN: VictorX10
  • SmurphSmurph Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    You aren't a mutant, there is nothing wrong wit you. Tons of people are not comfortable talking to relative strangers. You ever think that maybe the conversation got awkward because she is just as socially uncomfortable as you are in those situations?

    Also, don't go after girls at work. Usually a bad idea.

  • MagicPrimeMagicPrime "We're ready to believe you..." FireSideWizardRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Are you currently in school? Have you thought about trying out for a theater production, or trying to get on crew? Usually they are open to the entire student population and a lot of times theater chicks are fun and cute. And it puts in into a good social situation.

    flzthy.png
    This neo-feudalism would be more tolerable if our betters had fancy titles.
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    A person is a person first -- a gender second. Don't assume that a girl won't share your interests, or that just because a person's a dude that you'll automatically get along better with him (in a friend way, unless you're into that of course).

    Small talk is just that -- small. It's not world histories, it's not your life story, it's not even your last year or month. It's what happened this morning. It's the weather. It's something you experienced last weekend.

    I make small talk around the office all the time. "Oh, this weather is really making my bike ride into work a bit of a pain. I hope it warms up." Or, "hey, I saw that project you were working on the other day, what was that about anyway? It looked interesting." At home or about, small talk is, say, stuck in the checkout lane but letting someone with 2-3 items cut ahead of you, and saying "Oh, go ahead, you've only got those 2 things. I love those btw, one of my favorites."

    I guess the only art of small talk is that you don't have to make it. If you have nothing to say, it's far better to just shut up or say "Hey" or "Hello" than try to force something. For example, I realized a while back that, around here, everyone says "Hey how's it goin'," but they don't actually care how it's going, it's just how they say hello. You can respond with "Hey, what's up" or "Hey, good morning!" and you're doing fine. If you actually answer, you should be prepared to go into a slightly longer conversation, which you should be prepared for (see above).

    I'd argue, though, that being social is natural -- we're social animals. You may THINK you're awkard at it, but only because you're being too self-aware. Too self-conscious about it. And the more you hype it up, the more awkward it becomes.

    It sounds like you're worried a bit about it in terms of relationships, or dating, and I think the reason many people say you need to "act like an asshole" is the idea that an asshole doesn't think about what they're saying. Obviously you don't want to be a rude jerk, but the sliver of wisdom in the statement is that you should talk for the sake of talking. Don't be social for some ulterior motive. Don't chat up a girl you've had a huge crush on with the idea that your wit and insight will slowly win her over. Be honest but don't make a big deal out of talking to people.

    For example, look at this -- a common problem single people have is figuring out if the object of their affection is single as well. It's obviously better to simply ask in a natural way than to get all worked up over asking a person out, blurting out an awkward sentence, and most likely causing the person you're talking to make up a fake boy/girlfriend so as to not go out with awkward you. A timely sample would be something like "Hey what's up," (response) "I'm feeling pretty good, I got all my xmas shopping out of the way; I'm just hanging with my folks that day. You doing anything fun?" (response) "Oh yeah, family stuff, well what, you got a husband or boyfriend going with you or are you doing stuff separately?"

    Don't practice my example, of course, as I haven't been in the dating market for, what, 8 years or something, but a good conversation is mostly you talking about yourself and giving the person an opening to talk about themselves. You know yourself best, but you also know what about yourself is common, and what's less common. We all sleep, enjoy certain weather, have jobs/friends/family. Many of us have cars, and many have cars with problems. Lots of us even with geeky hobbies (I play video games and double bass and paint crappy pictures) have activities or hobbies that are much more mainstream (I own cats, do some housework, and cook).

    I'm sure you're the same way. Don't think of yourself as a blank tape; you just get worked up about trying to fill in all the information about yourself. You don't have to tell everyone you meet your entire history, or use every inside joke. My wife's the only one I introduce to internet memes, for example ;D


    edit to add: About your specific example; typically people don't call other people beautiful to their face unless they're not available for a relationship or they're actually dating/with that person. I call my wife beautiful. I would give my sister, or my wife's sister, a pep-talk if she was feeling down and would call her beautiful. Actually, I would probably say "I think you're plenty attractive, you shouldn't worry about it." At work, I would probably not call anyone beautiful. Or pretty, or cute. You probably blew it, but don't get hung up over it.

    The only real "trick" to talking to most people is to simply be inoffensive. Don't be extreme in what you say (unless you're feeling extremely strong about something, of course). If you use polarizing language, you're going to polarize people -- simple as that. Beautiful is polarizing; so's the word "hate." It's the same reason that many people feel uncomfortable discussing religion or politics -- it's hard to do so without polarizing people. Of course, it's not all bad -- calling someone out on something that's potentially racist or bigoted is usually a good thing, for example, or realizing that someone's opinions are entirely opposite your own can be a good thing, too. But that's not typically a way towards good small talk.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • JeffHJeffH Registered User
    edited December 2008
    victor_c26 wrote: »
    She said something to the affect of "You thing I'm that ugly?" jokingly. now i say this now because after our conversation I just said "You're beautiful by the way, just incase I wasn't clear". "she said "You're making me blush" and that was the end of the conversation.

    Yeah that is a killer right there and moderately creepy, though you have good intentions. You're putting her on a pedestal, act like you're with one of your buddies. If my buddy asked me, "You think I'm ugly"?, I would say, "yeah you are an ugly fuck" - obviously don't go as hardcore as that, but I think something like "Oh, you're hideous!" said with a slight sarcastic tone and a grin would go over much better.

    People say "be the asshole", but that's simplifying it, what you really need to do is not put women on a pedestal, and act confident, even if you aren't. Don't look desperate.

  • Limp mooseLimp moose Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Rule number 1 You don't have to act like an asshole. I am a perfect gentleman I have plenty of girls so that asshole stuff is bogus. What you have to do is be confident and charming. Don't be a door mat. And don't be obsequious. If you like this girl chat her up and don't put so much emphasis on her being a woman or being someone you desire. Just have a conversation. People do that everyday.

    Rule number 2 social interaction takes practice. Some people are better at it than others but the only way to get better is to practice. You need to get out there and just start talking to people. If you feel nervous or clam up just laugh it off. Its no big deal you are just having a conversation. Force yourself to start up random conversations it will relieve your social anxiety. Every time you get in the elevator chat about the weather with whoever is next to you. Get comfortable talking about nothing with whoever and you will find it much easier to approach girls and start conversations.

    Rule number 3 girls like compliments and to talk about themselves. (just like guys do) So make sure when you are talking to this girl you are listening and focusing the conversation on her. Sometimes this can backfire as they launch into a jabber jaw routine about something trivial that you could care less about ala sex in the city or something. But for the most part focusing the conversation on them and paying attention will show them that you interested and that you are not a dick. 2 things most girls look for in guys.

    The last bit well man just don't be so scared and nervous. People pick up on it and it will affect their view of you. Think about it this way. When you have an interaction with someone who lets say is subordinate to you. You act very differently than you would if you were talking to your boss. You know you have a position of power when talking down and the opposite when talking up. Those cues are easily perceptible to anyone watching.

    Now for example you go up to a girl all scared and nervous for no reason and they see and are like WTF is wrong with this guy he is all scared and nervous weird he must be creepy. And some other guy walks up and just says hello and instantly they are going to be like thats more like it!

    There is no reason you cant be the second guy. Just relax. Girls are not some mystery box. They are just regular people like you. Don't be afraid or nervous to talk to them.

  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Dude. You're not abnormal. You don't lack personality. You're an introvert.
    I talk with friends freely about interests and hobbies, but when it comes to conversing with acquaintances and people I generally don't know enough about, I freeze up. I'm a blank tape.

    Yeah. Introversion. It's not a personality disorder. It's a personality characteristic, and it's pretty common. I'm an introvert. Urahonky's apparently an introvert.

    So here's my main advice: stop beating yourself up about being an introvert, because that sort of mentality that introversion makes you abnormal or weird is only going to feed an increased sense of social anxiety. Quit reading stupid articles about what percentage of young adults have personality disorders because that won't help you, as you're actually rather normal.

    And that's great news, right? Next time you feel like you're going to freeze up, remind yourself that it's not because you're some sort of freak--you're just introverted, and there's nothing at all abnormal about that.

  • Richard_DastardlyRichard_Dastardly Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    victor_c26 wrote: »
    She said something to the affect of "You thing I'm that ugly?" jokingly. now i say this now because after our conversation I just said "You're beautiful by the way, just incase I wasn't clear". "she said "You're making me blush" and that was the end of the conversation.

    Telling a girl she's beautiful should remain in the realm of awkward teens, crap romance movies and creepy old dudes. If you feel you're about to tell a girl how beautiful she is (when she's not obviously fishing), bite you tongue. Hard. And then if the urge still persists, compliment her hair or something. Not her shoes though, for obvious reasons.

    A beautiful girl knows she's beautiful. And, if she doesn't, then she's probably in the same boat as you.
    SammyF wrote: »
    And that's great news, right? Next time you feel like you're going to freeze up, remind yourself that it's not because you're some sort of freak--you're just introverted, and there's nothing at all abnormal about that.

    Really, being an introvert is a blessing. I enjoy spending time alone and I'm not always fucking fiending for social interraction. I have friends that are extroverts, and I always imagine how boring their lives must seem when there's nothing to do.

    ಠ_ರೃ wrote: »
    cats are douches
  • MagicPrimeMagicPrime "We're ready to believe you..." FireSideWizardRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    "You think I'm that ugly?"

    "Yeah, but don't worry about it - I don't care that much about looks." as you drink your coffee and walk out of the room without skipping a beat.

    Sarcasm when done right can be golden.

    flzthy.png
    This neo-feudalism would be more tolerable if our betters had fancy titles.
  • HalfmexHalfmex Matter of fact... I didn't even give you my coat!Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    victor_c26 wrote: »
    She said something to the affect of "You thing I'm that ugly?" jokingly. now i say this now because after our conversation I just said "You're beautiful by the way, just incase I wasn't clear". "she said "You're making me blush" and that was the end of the conversation.
    Telling a girl she's beautiful should remain in the realm of awkward teens, crap romance movies and creepy old dudes. If you feel you're about to tell a girl how beautiful she is (when she's not obviously fishing), bite you tongue. Hard. And then if the urge still persists, compliment her hair or something. Not her shoes though, for obvious reasons.
    That was a misstep, BUT the "you're making me blush" retort lends credence to the thought that everything wasn't blown, at least at that point. A real shoot-down or indicator of being creeped out would have been something like "uh, thanks" or a nervous laugh then a quick departure.

    I don't know if any kind of acquaintance or relationship could ever be salvaged by now, but a good start would be to just say "good morning/afternoon/evening" whenever you see her. IF she does indeed start to warm up to you again, take an opportunity and mention offhandedly that "meh, sometimes I trip over my own words, hope I haven't offended you at any point or anything". It shows that A) you're aware of some potential conversational missteps and B) any offense is unintentional. It also removes you from the "creep" category, at least in the conversational sense.

    Confidence doesn't come overnight, but it can be built, you just have to be happy with yourself and not paranoid about how you appear to others.

  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    SammyF wrote: »
    And that's great news, right? Next time you feel like you're going to freeze up, remind yourself that it's not because you're some sort of freak--you're just introverted, and there's nothing at all abnormal about that.

    Really, being an introvert is a blessing. I enjoy spending time alone and I'm not always fucking fiending for social interraction. I have friends that are extroverts, and I always imagine how boring their lives must seem when there's nothing to do.


    No kidding! Plus can you imagine how much of a complete waste of time it is when you have to get a group of six people together to go anywhere? "Who's going to drive?" "I don't want to drive, I was the designated driver last time." "Can we go here instead?" Screw that, I'm packing a picnic, a bottle of wine and a book and going to the park to read. Introversion doesn't prevent me from having fun and building solid friendships and relationships...but half-hour long conversations about bar-hopping logistics might.

  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    A better way to think about introversion and extraversion is that extraverts think out loud -- they're social in their thought process. They'll say something, then react to what they themselves said, and in most cases simply like talking.

    Introverts prefer to consider their next statement internally. They want to think things through, and then make a move. So yes, when it comes to interacting with new people, that will require you to come out of your comfort zone. That shouldn't mean that you shouldn't reflect upon what's being said, though. It's OK to pause, or think to yourself a bit -- just be a little animated while you do it. Like, look at the ceiling obviously, or put your hand on your face to make it look like you're thinking. Or say "Hmmmmm...." and think about what you want to say next.

    Extraverts often have the opposite problem -- they have to learn when to shut up. They'll be the people who post threads saying "I didn't see anything coming, why does she hate me suddenly!" Not because they're obtuse, but because they're talking through their problem -- both here and to their girl. The girl is probably being introverted and isn't talking to the guy until she's thought it through.

    But yeah, that's why it's important for you to just be a little more confident about yourself when you talk to people. Again, you don't need to explain mathematical proofs -- you can just chat about little common things.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    If you don't know someone well enough to figure out if they'll appreciate sarcastic humor or joking put-downs, you can just be mildly complimentary and change the subject. This isn't advanced flirting or anything, but it'll keep you from coming off as creepy.

    "You think I'm that ugly?"

    "Nah, you look okay to me. Oh, did you see that new movie with blah blah blah," etc..

  • XagarathXagarath Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Yeah, don't use the word "beautiful" unless you're already dating someone. "Pretty" or "Attractive" or "Cute" are entirely acceptable substitutes if you feel like throwing compliments around. Maybe "Gorgeous" if you're feeling adventurous.

  • Capt HowdyCapt Howdy Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    How did she say you're making me blush? Did she seem to take it as a compliment, or was it snarky?

    If she seemed to take it as a compliment, she may very well be just like you.

    Steam: kaylesolo1
    3DS: 1521-4165-5907
    PS3: KayleSolo
    Live: Kayle Solo
    WiiU: KayleSolo
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Capt Howdy wrote: »
    How did she say you're making me blush? Did she seem to take it as a compliment, or was it snarky?

    If she seemed to take it as a compliment, she may very well be just like you.

    If I said "You're making me blush" to someone I wasn't actively dating, I'd mean "That compliment was over the top and is making me uncomfortable."

    She might not have meant it that way, but given that she's avoiding him now, I'd put money on it.

  • basinobasino Registered User
    edited December 2008
    You need to make yourself realize that there is absolutely no reason to be nervous around people. There's no need to care what other people think of you. That cute girl over there should be impressing you, not the other way around. What makes her so special? Nothing. Just because she was born with a pretty face doesn't mean you should be intimidated by her.

  • Capt HowdyCapt Howdy Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Trowizilla wrote: »
    Capt Howdy wrote: »
    How did she say you're making me blush? Did she seem to take it as a compliment, or was it snarky?

    If she seemed to take it as a compliment, she may very well be just like you.

    If I said "You're making me blush" to someone I wasn't actively dating, I'd mean "That compliment was over the top and is making me uncomfortable."

    She might not have meant it that way, but given that she's avoiding him now, I'd put money on it.

    Thats why I'm asking how she said it.

    She could be avoiding him because she doesn't know how to act now that she knows he digs her. I've known quite a few women who became overtly shy when they found out a guy they liked felt the same way.

    Gotta cover all the bases, know what I mean.

    Steam: kaylesolo1
    3DS: 1521-4165-5907
    PS3: KayleSolo
    Live: Kayle Solo
    WiiU: KayleSolo
  • blakfeldblakfeld Registered User
    edited December 2008
    urahonky wrote: »
    I will say that I was the exact same as you. And you know what helped? I got a job working retail as a computer salesman at Best Buy. It sucked at first, but in order to make the paycheck you had to talk to people you didn't know (including cute girls). So if you don't have a job, I'd recommend that.

    I just want to add that this really helped for me. I had the same issues, I still have a lot of them, but Best Buy did wonders to pull me out of my shell. Seriously, you have no idea

  • sainsain Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    blakfeld wrote: »
    urahonky wrote: »
    I will say that I was the exact same as you. And you know what helped? I got a job working retail as a computer salesman at Best Buy. It sucked at first, but in order to make the paycheck you had to talk to people you didn't know (including cute girls). So if you don't have a job, I'd recommend that.

    I just want to add that this really helped for me. I had the same issues, I still have a lot of them, but Best Buy did wonders to pull me out of my shell. Seriously, you have no idea

    Same here.

    When you do retail 30-40 hours a week you master small talk, you learn to project your voice, and maintain good eye contact.

  • DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2008
    If you are just looking at getting used to conversing with women and aren't looking for deep conversation right away, try this:

    Don't feel forced to talk if you don't have anything interesting to say. If you sense an awkward silence coming up where you are expected to talk, rephrase her last sentence in the form of a question.

    Smalltalk 101.

  • victor_c26victor_c26 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Thanks a lot for the help guys, it means a lot.

    At least I know I'm not a freak, heh.

    And about the girl, she started a small conversation again today, but it still felt like she didn't really feel like talking to me (The Coffee Lounge again, this time she didn't expect me to be there).

    I tried to keep the conversation going, but I froze up again...

    But I know nothing is going to come out of it now though; basically, something happened at the end of the shift that pretty much clinched it.

    Feel pretty shitty still. The problem is that my attempts are so few and far between.

    I started talking more at work though, at least I can start now and hopefully build from there.

    steam_sig.png
    MK: DS Code: 528.341.706.032 - Import from Play-Asia PSN: VictorX10
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    It sounds like you need to work on making female friends before you get anywhere near looking for dates. Women = people, and the sooner you get that through your head, the sooner you're going to be able to stop freaking out when you talk to them.

  • NisslNissl Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Man, I was in a really similar boat several years ago. Even among my friends I was the weird quiet guy. Easily fit a personality disorder diagnosis, somewhere along the schizoid-avoidant axis.

    Look at making small talk with strangers as a life skill to develop. So you can't take a retail job, but chat with officemates. Take a class, volunteer, moonlight as a bartender or barista once a week. Going through your day, get in the habit of chatting with everybody, cashiers, waiters, fast food staff, janitors, repair people, etc. Male, female, ugly, old, dumb, doesn't matter. Find people interesting. Try to relax and see them as friends. Not everyone will click with your sense of humor but most of them will appreciate the effort even if you come off a little eccentric and nerdy.

    Attractive women are just people. Do your best to treat them like any other person, joke around, poke fun at them, etc. A lot of actual flirting is in voice tone, eye contact, etc. rather than any kind of romantic lines.

    A quick small talk diagram, cause I sure could have used one...

    "How's it going?" remains my best general conversation opener. Gives people space to expand or not, and after a bit of practice I developed an inflection that tends to draw people out. Unless you're getting horrible body language, don't be afraid to push in a second question about the weather or their day or whether they like their job or what they're doing this weekend or whatever. Most people WANT to talk but are too shy to take that one key step.

    Or if they mirror "how's it going," you can talk about the same kind of inane topics. Try to give them conversational hooks. Don't say "I'm good," say "I'm pretty wiped because I went for a long run at location x yesterday, gonna go home and watch some Heroes" or whatever. That sentence opens them up to talk about being tired, running, outdoor locations, TV shows they like, etc. Hopefully you find some details in common along the way. If not, oh well, not going to have things in common with everyone.

    Look, I still tense up a bit around women I'm attracted to, I think everyone does, but knowing I can get that basic conversational roll going helps tremendously.

    360: Purkinje
  • victor_c26victor_c26 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    There's one girl at work that I can try practicing with (Just talking or hanging out, not flirting) since she sort of has the same interests that I do (Music).

    But there's a bit of a problem there. Someone I know already had "Relations" with her, so I don't know how Kosher that would be, even if it's just doing platonic things.

    steam_sig.png
    MK: DS Code: 528.341.706.032 - Import from Play-Asia PSN: VictorX10
  • Capt HowdyCapt Howdy Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    victor_c26 wrote: »
    There's one girl at work that I can try practicing with (Just talking or hanging out, not flirting) since she sort of has the same interests that I do (Music).

    But there's a bit of a problem there. Someone I know already had "Relations" with her, so I don't know how Kosher that would be, even if it's just doing platonic things.

    Huh. She likes you? Does he mind if you date her. Do you mind if you date her? Does it matter if he cares?

    Steam: kaylesolo1
    3DS: 1521-4165-5907
    PS3: KayleSolo
    Live: Kayle Solo
    WiiU: KayleSolo
  • NisslNissl Registered User
    edited December 2008
    "Had" is past tense. Talking, hanging out (at work?), even flirting without romantic intent really is nothing, whether or not anybody is dating the person. Even outside of work, platonic stuff should always be kosher, just some people are jealous assholes.

    360: Purkinje
  • eternalbleternalbl Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Asshole isn't some act that works, its the confidence that's working for that. You don't have to be an asshole to be confident, just secure in who you are.

    And you're defeating yourself by saying 'She doesn't want to talk to me'. Oh yeah, well she started another conversation with you, but that must be for old times sake.

    It couldn't be that everytime you see her you're reminded of how you messed up. So you tense up and get all anxious.

    Sorry man, she hasn't thought of that comment probably for more than a total of a couple mins right after it happened, and you're blowing it way out of proportion. But worst of all, you didn't blow anything with what you said, its everything you're thinking, and convincing yourself of after the fact, that is blowing any chance for you right now.

    Spoiler:
  • victor_c26victor_c26 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Capt Howdy wrote: »
    victor_c26 wrote: »
    There's one girl at work that I can try practicing with (Just talking or hanging out, not flirting) since she sort of has the same interests that I do (Music).

    But there's a bit of a problem there. Someone I know already had "Relations" with her, so I don't know how Kosher that would be, even if it's just doing platonic things.

    Huh. She likes you? Does he mind if you date her. Do you mind if you date her? Does it matter if he cares?

    I doubt it.

    But even then, there's a rule that we have. "Friends aren't supposed to go for other friend's previous dates/relationships".

    Don't know if just doing platonic things might be a problem though.

    steam_sig.png
    MK: DS Code: 528.341.706.032 - Import from Play-Asia PSN: VictorX10
  • NisslNissl Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Who is "we" who have this rule? You aren't "going for" her.

    Is this guy your good friend, did they have a serious relationship, and did it end because she did something horrible? Unless the answer to all three is yes....

    I'm 99% sure you're rationalizing here.

    360: Purkinje
  • W2W2 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Also, who uses the word "relations" anymore?

  • victor_c26victor_c26 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Nissle: Yes, no, and no.

    Well, it's a bit more complicated than that.

    I'm already saying too much, but neither are the forum/message board type, so what the hell:

    The good friend I have likes to have multiple girls at his disposal. So there lies the problem.

    I could still try socializing with her though, just to get some experience socializing with a girl.

    And yes, I realize "relations" was lame, heh.

    steam_sig.png
    MK: DS Code: 528.341.706.032 - Import from Play-Asia PSN: VictorX10
  • MunacraMunacra Registered User
    edited December 2008
    dude, you worry too much about stuff like this. Just talk to her about music.

  • XagarathXagarath Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Honestly, any social "rules" only apply, in most peoples' eyes, to dating, and not to friendship. Anyone who thinks otherwise is being just a teeny bit overpossessive.
    Go socialise.

  • SpawnbrokerSpawnbroker Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    victor_c26 wrote: »
    Nissle: Yes, no, and no.

    Well, it's a bit more complicated than that.

    I'm already saying too much, but neither are the forum/message board type, so what the hell:

    The good friend I have likes to have multiple girls at his disposal. So there lies the problem.

    I could still try socializing with her though, just to get some experience socializing with a girl.

    And yes, I realize "relations" was lame, heh.

    Who gives a crap if you start being friends with a girl that this guy likes to screw every once in a while? Once again, talking to women does not mean you will be getting into their pants. Having that expectation that the only reason you would talk to a girl is to get in a relationship with her is a lot of your problem right now.

    Cut. It. Out.

    3DS: 5043-2471-1061
    Battle.net: Spawnbroker#1471
    Nintendo Network ID: Spawnbroker
«1
Sign In or Register to comment.