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Dumb Emails From Parents

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Posts

  • PiptheFairPiptheFair Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    like a celestial ejaculate

    PiptheFair on
    STEAM
    Skayel wrote:
    One time, I had a friend over to play a bit of Red Alert on my LAN. During the game he said he needed to go to the bathroom, so we paused it. After about 10 minutes of wondering where the hell he went, I get up and go to check on him.

    Turns out he was trying to screw my dog.
    Once I was taking a poop at a restaurant and a kid crept underneath the door into my stall. I let out a big fart and then he threw up all over the floor in front of me and I just stared at him.
  • devicesdevices Registered User
    edited December 2008
    I think I must have gotten every Obama paranoia email that was in circulation from my parents, and I generally get most of the "time for jesus" and all the "christian faith is under attack" emails. I do get some gems now and again, though.

    here's one:
    Subject: And then the fight started.....





    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
    Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
    my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
    come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
    silver hair on
    your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
    application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
    Social Security office.
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
    disability, too!


    .....and then the fight started.....


    *************************************************************************

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
    and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
    alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
    drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
    hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?'
    ......and then the fight started.

    *************************************************************************


    I rear-ended a car this morning.
    So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got
    out of his car.
    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
    just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
    HAPPY!!!'

    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

    ....and then the fight started.



    ********************************************************************************************************************

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
    happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
    look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

    ...and then the fight started.

    devices on
  • MorivethMoriveth Nobody suspects a thing... Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    The only political email I've gotten from my mom was a few months back, it was an email that was all "TESTIMONIAL FROM AN ALASKAN CITIZEN AS TO WHY SARAH PALIN IS TERRIBLE"

    Moriveth on
    3ds friend code: 2036 9837 9754
  • devicesdevices Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Moriveth wrote: »
    The only political email I've gotten from my mom was a few months back, it was an email that was all "TESTIMONIAL FROM AN ALASKAN CITIZEN AS TO WHY SARAH PALIN IS TERRIBLE"

    hahaha, nice

    i think my favorite anti-obama email was this one:
    If you are a Christian, this is hard to ignore.
    According to the book of Revelation, the anti-Christ: will be a man in his 40s,
    of MUSLIM descent, who will come out of nowhere, deceive the nations with
    persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal..... the prophesy
    says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world
    peace, and when he is in power, will destroy everything. Is it OBAMA?

    I STRONGLY URGE YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT AND SEND THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO HAVE
    THE PRIVILEGE TO VOTE. THE BOOK OF REVELATION SAYS THAT THE BEAST WILL BE
    ALLOWED TO HAVE AUTHORITY APPROX 42 months (in ch.13) That’s almost a 4 year
    presidency term.

    Lord have mercy on us!

    edit: the kenyan connection one was pretty entertaining too

    devices on
  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood what have you done what if you don't want it any more?Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Lord have mercy, a secret Muslin terrorist as president?

    I do believe I'm coming down with the vapors

    Clint Eastwood on
    peZOou2.jpg?1
  • devicesdevices Registered User
    edited December 2008
    LAWDY LAWD

    devices on
  • CrossBusterCrossBuster Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    That's funny since Islam didn't even exist when the Book of Revelations was written.

    CrossBuster on
    penguins.png
  • devicesdevices Registered User
    edited December 2008
    That's funny since Islam didn't even exist when the Book of Revelations was written.

    oh yeah... i actually chided my parents, cuz they're actually pretty well versed in scripture, but i guess when you are so willing to believe something, you just accept it as truth and dont check the facts.

    edit: whoa, that statement ran deeper than i originally intended it to

    devices on
  • jwalkjwalk Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Also, 42 months isn't really that close to 4 years, it's 6 friggen months short. It's 3.5 years.

    jwalk on
  • ChicoBlueChicoBlue Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Why would you be fighting against the prophecies of the Bible anyway?

    That's how God wants it to go down.

    ChicoBlue on
  • DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2008
    ChicoBlue wrote: »
    Why would you be fighting against the prophecies of the Bible anyway?

    That's how God wants it to go down.
    EXACTLY

    Druhim on
    belruelotterav-1.jpg
  • DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    jwalk wrote: »
    Also, 42 months isn't really that close to 4 years, it's 6 friggen months short. It's 3.5 years.

    Point is, he's not white. Enough.

    Defender on
    hello massa, I jar jar binks
    I've overheard someone say "Don't say something is retarded, its not cool to make fun of retards. Just say its gay."
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    man i bumped this up from the bottom of page 2, but i have to share this absolutely ridiculous e-mail that my mother sent me
    WOW is this not the TRUTH~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office Dear Mr. Minister,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
    How is it that Radio Shack
    has my address and telephone number and knows
    that I bought a t.v. cable
    from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal
    Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
    For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
    My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the
    income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health
    insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports
    I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
    before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
    insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
    Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that
    ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
    SHIT!
    I apologize, Mr. Minister.
    I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you
    an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my
    house, then you ask me formy fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a
    gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture.
    Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig upYasser Arafat, for shit sakes.
    I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
    And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan
    on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do
    something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not
    want to tell anyone!
    Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get
    another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!
    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
    assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

    Nooooo, that'd be too
    damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us
    running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off,
    then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture
    you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
    Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
    Signed - An Irate Canadian Citizen.

    P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
    confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776
    when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served
    in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances
    up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province
    for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
    However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
    someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA !!!

    to which i responded with:
    this person just sounds ignorant
    they ask for that stuff for security reasons to protect you from identity theft

    if they sent you the passport form in the mail with all of your personal information filled out and someone managed to get a hold of that (not too hard) then it's pretty much a free fake passport

    the ending was especially ignorant. someone who was raised in communist china.
    they ask for someone who is in a high position in society to sign off on those because if it is found that they signed off on a fraudulent passport form, they are held responsible. not too many people who paid for 10+ years of schooling for medicine or law are willing to give that up so joe blow can get a fake passport.

    people are so fucking stupid it's maddening.
    and of course, it was typed in comic sans 14 point font.
    font of choice for the blue collared e-mailer.

    beavotron on
  • bowenbowen beso el culo shitlord in residenceRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Where's the shamrock beavo?

    bowen on
    Warning: I am a programmer/sysop. Do not take my word as law in any other fields, it is not professional advice.
  • beavotronbeavotron Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    bowen wrote: »
    Where's the shamrock beavo?

    ahhaah there was a little link at the bottom to get custom animations for your emails.

    retarded.

    beavotron on
  • Bloods EndBloods End Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    My parents keep trying to convince me that Australia is a real place.

    Bloods End on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • OrikaeshigitaeOrikaeshigitae Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited December 2008
    my dad just sends me videos of dogs going down waterslides, or pictures of mining camps where he used to work, or gigantic dump trucks, or cranes climbing larger cranes

    my dad is awesome

    Orikaeshigitae on
  • SilmarilSilmaril Mr Ha Ha Hapless. Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Bloods End wrote: »
    My parents keep trying to convince me that Australia is a real place.

    The fools.

    Silmaril on
    twispandcatsbysigsmall.jpg
  • jwalkjwalk Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    So she applies for a passport but is upset they ask for her birthdate?
    Also she mentions the census - no, those are anonymous. Unless she's talking about some Canadian census, in which case who gives a fuck. Canada sucks.

    jwalk on
  • vsovevsove ....also yes. Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    My dad rarely sends me stuff via e-mail, but when he does, it's always pretty awesome.

    He's got a good sense of humor that is apparently quite similar to my own!

    vsove on
    WATCH THIS SPACE.
  • edited December 2008
    the Canadian census is also anonymous

    though if you don't respond you can get a fine/go to jail

    Richard M. Nixon on
    chevy.jpgsteve.jpgmartin.jpg
  • bowenbowen beso el culo shitlord in residenceRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    the Canadian census is also anonymous

    though if you don't respond you can get a fine/go to jail

    Wait a minute.

    How the fuck?

    bowen on
    Warning: I am a programmer/sysop. Do not take my word as law in any other fields, it is not professional advice.
  • vsovevsove ....also yes. Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    bowen wrote: »
    the Canadian census is also anonymous

    though if you don't respond you can get a fine/go to jail

    Wait a minute.

    How the fuck?

    At the end of the census there's a secret word.

    They go around asking people what the secret word is, and if you can't answer you're thrown in jail.

    vsove on
    WATCH THIS SPACE.
  • edited December 2008
    bowen wrote: »
    the Canadian census is also anonymous

    though if you don't respond you can get a fine/go to jail

    Wait a minute.

    How the fuck?

    I'm not really sure how that works. vsove's solution is as good as any.

    Richard M. Nixon on
    chevy.jpgsteve.jpgmartin.jpg
  • bowenbowen beso el culo shitlord in residenceRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    vsove wrote: »
    bowen wrote: »
    the Canadian census is also anonymous

    though if you don't respond you can get a fine/go to jail

    Wait a minute.

    How the fuck?

    At the end of the census there's a secret word.

    They go around asking people what the secret word is, and if you can't answer you're thrown in jail.

    "Man I don't remember, fuck you in your ass."

    bowen on
    Warning: I am a programmer/sysop. Do not take my word as law in any other fields, it is not professional advice.
  • vsovevsove ....also yes. Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    bowen wrote: »
    vsove wrote: »
    bowen wrote: »
    the Canadian census is also anonymous

    though if you don't respond you can get a fine/go to jail

    Wait a minute.

    How the fuck?

    At the end of the census there's a secret word.

    They go around asking people what the secret word is, and if you can't answer you're thrown in jail.

    "Man I don't remember, fuck you in your ass."

    Wait, so you saw last year's census?

    vsove on
    WATCH THIS SPACE.
  • BeyondBeyond Nerd Slayer In the SkyRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Parents are dicks.
    I won't draw a picture

    Beyond on
    Rofl.
  • bowenbowen beso el culo shitlord in residenceRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    vsove wrote: »
    bowen wrote: »
    vsove wrote: »
    bowen wrote: »
    the Canadian census is also anonymous

    though if you don't respond you can get a fine/go to jail

    Wait a minute.

    How the fuck?

    At the end of the census there's a secret word.

    They go around asking people what the secret word is, and if you can't answer you're thrown in jail.

    "Man I don't remember, fuck you in your ass."

    Wait, so you saw last year's census?

    I can't think of anything witty to say to that. Touché.

    bowen on
    Warning: I am a programmer/sysop. Do not take my word as law in any other fields, it is not professional advice.
  • jwalkjwalk Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    The US Census is also mandatory. I don't know what the penalty is for not returning it, maybe not much, but it is required.

    Also:
    number-one.gif

    jwalk on
  • WeaverWeaver Burn their ignorance to the groundRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Nobody emails me a thing because I have informed them in a stately manner that they know nothing.

    Weaver on
    hCpR4ri.jpg
    Steam: weavermatic
  • MrMonroeMrMonroe Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    My uncle forwards the dreck he gets from Michael Moore's mailing list to me, and ccs pretty much the whole family.

    So not only do I have to read it, I have to then reply all and make sure everyone knows how retarded it is. I don't want my sister picking up on it through osmosis or some shit.

    MrMonroe on
  • FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Other then michael moore being a fat jerk, what exactly are your problems with his politics

    or are you just dumb

    Fandyien on
    reposig.jpg
  • WeaverWeaver Burn their ignorance to the groundRegistered User regular
    edited December 2008
    The only family I have email addresses for are my parents. I just call or text if I need to talk to my sister. My wife used to send me stuff but she finally realized that I already share a hive mind with the internet, functioning as a sort of savant, a living reference engine of sorts.

    Weaver on
    hCpR4ri.jpg
    Steam: weavermatic
  • DefenderDefender Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Beavotron has some harsh words for all you blue-collared email-writers out there. What are you doing writing your ignorant emails in that stupid font in the first place? You should probably be in a factory or a prison somewhere.

    Defender on
    hello massa, I jar jar binks
    I've overheard someone say "Don't say something is retarded, its not cool to make fun of retards. Just say its gay."
  • Randall_FlaggRandall_Flagg Registered User
    edited December 2008
    FUCK

    I just got one of those "for every time you forward this, microsoft will send you $430" emails

    from a guy I met once THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO and haven't heard from since

    hey, fuck you right in your retarded fucking ass, guy

    Randall_Flagg on
  • World as MythWorld as Myth Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    so my mom didn't even call me on my birthday last week and still hasn't

    but today I got this email from her (she never, ever, ever forwards me emails, but I guess there's a first time for everything)
    forward.png
    thanks mom

    World as Myth on
    kQwcZLJ.png
  • jwalkjwalk Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Back when the intertron was a new thing for most people (ie 1998-99) I used to get all kinds of stupid spam shit from my family but even they have wised up by now.

    Otoh, my grandfather lived to be almost 97 and used email regularly right up until he died. His favorite thing to do was send you an email and then call you on the phone 5 minutes later to ask "did you get my email"? The awesomenes of this was enhanced by the fact that he lived on the east coast and would call us here on the west coast at 5 am..... HIS time. I'll let you do the math on that one.

    jwalk on
  • ChicoBlueChicoBlue Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I don't get much email.

    ChicoBlue on
  • ShankusuShankusu __BANNED USERS
    edited December 2008
    so when I lived at home my mom would pop into my room, talk to me, leave, pop back in, be like "oh i forgot that..." and say something else, maybe doing this three or four times. it was annoying, but whatever, she's scatter-brained, it's fine.

    when I started leaving the house to hang out with my friends or living with my dad or whatever the fuck, she started doing the same thing with calls. she would call me, we'd talk for ten minutes, she would call me back and be like "OH I FORGOT THAT..." It only took twenty or twenty-five times of her doing this for me to get pretty annoyed, and now if she calls back within ten minutes of us hanging up, whatever, she can leave a message, she just has information for me anyway.

    now that I'm at college she e-mails me big long e-mails, then e-mails me three minutes later with the tagline "One more thing...", even doing this two or three times. Sometimes she e-mails me something that ends with "I'm going to look up bus prices and times" and e-mails back five minutes later saying "ok so the bus leaves now and now and costs this much." This doesn't happen once in a while. This happens ALWAYS.

    This is THE MOST FUCKING ANNOYING THING to me. I come home to five or six e-mails. This isn't like leaving the room and realizing you forgot to bring something up - it's fucking TEXT, sent over the internet. You can consolidate your thoughts before you send me an e-mail. If once in a while you go "oh I left something out" that's fine, but I feel like my mom e-mails me every time she thinks of something instead of going "hey maybe I'll just e-mail him tonight with everything I think of between now and then" or "hey I need to remind my son of something why don't I write a reminder or start a list or something"

    I dunno. It bugs me.

    Shankusu on
  • ascotascot Registered User
    edited December 2008
    I accidentally emailed my aunt from my regular email address. So now she has it saved, and I get ALL of her forwards. She's new to the internet and thus thinks they're all hilarious and also that I need to know about all these Virus alerts.
    Thank god for gmail labels.

    ascot on
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