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You've been kicked to the curb, Merry Christmas!

Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
edited January 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Back story:

My mom and step dad (married 15 years) are going through a divorce. He dropped the bomb on her a week before her birthday in August. Had my mom move out of the house they bought together so that he could move his new girlfriend in before the papers were even signed. She didn't know about the other woman until about a month ago. She was devastated.
My stepdad was more of a dad to me than my biological father in a lot of ways. Through all of this he continually promised that he loved me no matter what and that I would always be his daughter.
Now I find out he's also moved his girlfriend's daughter in with them and is cutting me out of Christmas because of her.

It's been hard enough to deal with the divorce itself (yeah I'm an adult but it hurts just as much, especially with all the lying and cheating), but now this is just like the last straw.

I don't know how to handle this.

I want to tell him off and tell him to go to hell and all the terrible things I hope for him right now. I hate him for what he did to my mom and for tearing apart the most stable thing I had in my life. I hate him for dumping me like my real dad had dumped me when I was younger.
At the same time I love him because he really *was* a father to me, and I thought I meant something to him.

I don't know how to deal. I'm very angry and hurt and sad and just....blah. The worst part is that I'm living across the country from my mom so I'm not able to be there for her during this hard time.

I don't know exactly what I'm asking for... a friendly ear? some advice on coping? someone that can help me figure out how to deal?

*sigh* Halp? :(

Susan Delgado on
Go then, there are other worlds than these.
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Posts

  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    is it even legal for him to force her to move out of the house before the divorce is finalized

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  • Lord MaloryLord Malory Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Sometimes helping others is a good way to cope with your own depression. Although this is a horrible situation, even though you are across the country from you mom, I would focus all of my attention, as much as possible, on her. Just listening to her giving her support. While it may be difficult, it could very well help. Especially when your mother thanks you for being there, every moment, to help her. It will pay off.

    I also would also humbly suggest talking to the closest friend you have, academic or social mentor, or even a spiritual leader. I would be very surprised if, once you get a hold of someone, they do not at least take a moment to listen. I think you need someone to listen to, because its apparent how much you have been hurt.

    I am very sorry you are hurting right now, and I wish I could help more. We are a community here, and I hope others have some better advise than my few words.

    LordMalory.png
  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    He made life pretty unbearable for her and told her that he was planning on selling it ASAP. He makes at least twice what she does annually, if not more, so if he sold the house he would have been able to find a new place easy, she doesn't make that much and can't afford a mortgage on her own... Soooo she moved out into an apartment so she wouldn't be homeless when he sold the house.

    Consequently he sold the house... to himself (however also paid off their joint debt and she got a small portion of the profits as part of the divorce settlement... yay for colorado being a 50/50 state). He mostly did that for the sake of the animals... although I know now that it was so he had room for his homewrecking whore of a girlfriend.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • PheezerPheezer Registered User, ClubPA
    edited December 2008
    Well you have to consider something here:
    What are you going to fix by shouting? How are you going to make things easier for anyone by doing so? He won't be the only one affected by your actions.

    It also isn't healthy nor will it help you move on to get into the habit of using phrases like "homewrecking whore" and honestly, I know this sucks for you, but deal with it. In all honesty, that's all you can do. You can swallow the bitter pill, find something to occupy your time (pick a non-self destructive hobby, trying to find out how much liquor will give you alcohol poisoning doesn't help either) and in time move on.

    You've gotta. Being bitter and angry and spiteful isn't gonna make you happy.

    IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
    CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
  • Forbe!Forbe! Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Be the better person.

    If you feel the need to vent, write an angry letter. Don't send it to him though. Just write down everything you are feeling, get it out. I do this sometimes and mail it to myself.

    But yeah, telling him off isn't going to do a damn thing except vent your emotions. He's still going to be living with his new girlfriend, your mom will still be out of a house. Focus your energy on making things better.

  • PheezerPheezer Registered User, ClubPA
    edited December 2008
    And specifically, actively try to break the habit of saying mean things about them, even in your head. This will help you view the situation in a calmer fashion.

    IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
    CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
  • Hobbit0815Hobbit0815 Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    You need to keep your head high and move on without him, obviously he showed his true colors in the end. Be the better person.

    "There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about the people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."

  • UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Pheezer wrote: »
    Well you have to consider something here:
    What are you going to fix by shouting? How are you going to make things easier for anyone by doing so? He won't be the only one affected by your actions.

    It also isn't healthy nor will it help you move on to get into the habit of using phrases like "homewrecking whore" and honestly, I know this sucks for you, but deal with it. In all honesty, that's all you can do. You can swallow the bitter pill, find something to occupy your time (pick a non-self destructive hobby, trying to find out how much liquor will give you alcohol poisoning doesn't help either) and in time move on.

    You've gotta. Being bitter and angry and spiteful isn't gonna make you happy.

    This has to be the one and only goal in this case. Don't let it be about revenge (trying to spite him to let him know how much you've been hurt), just focus on moving past it. I would elaborate on my own personal experience with this but ultimately the aim is to move on. Hating someone like your father takes A LOT out of you and you will waste a lot of time and energy on something that accomplishes nothing.

    I'm not saying you have to be buddy-buddy with him ever again but to turn your strength towards getting back at him, well you're just prolonging the pain.

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  • Limp mooseLimp moose Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I am going through the exact same thing. My mom and step dad are getting divorced after 18 years of marriage. My step dad raised me since I was eight. When I started reading this for a second I actually thought you were my sister and did a double take. He walked out on my mom in November. Like you I live on the complete opposite side of the country.

    Some things I have been doing that are helping.

    First realize that 1, this is not your fault. You didn't do anything to cause this. They are adults and most likely this has been something that has been brewing for some time and didn't just happen over night. (when you are not around things can change without any clue)

    Second. Just be there for both of them. You can't fix it. Its a big shit sandwich and you have to take a bite. So just try to help as much as possible. Call them and talk to them about anything. I used to call my mom once a week at the most now I call every other day. Just so she can talk most of the time its about stuff as trivial as how her day was. We never talked about this stuff before but I know she doesn't have my dad anymore to talk to and she is lonely so I am just the voice on the other end of the phone as much as I can be.

    Third Try very hard not to just get angry at your dad. This was the hardest for me. Your mom is your freaking mom it is extremely hard not to take sides. But realize that your dad is human. He isn't (at least mine isnt) a bad person. He is doing this because he is unhappy and wants to make his own life better. Is it fair? no. Is it the right thing to do? He obviously thinks it is. What you have to do is understand that he is probably not enjoying this anymore than you are. People don't just end 15+ year relationships on a whim. Try as hard as you can to see things from his perspective and remain neutral.

    He is going to be lonely, and probably feel guilty and slightly ashamed I mean I am sure it is not lost on him that he is kicking you guys to the curb so to speak. Talk to him and let him know that while you dont like whats happening you understand his point of view and want to keep your relationship. That is what I had to do with my dad. Because if you don't do anything he is just going to assume you are going to take your moms side and not give a crap about him. One more reason he is probably hurrying to bring this new girl and her kid into things. He wants someone to distract him from you guys.

    I guess just try your best to talk to him and see his side of things. There is no real happy solution here.

  • UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    The dad seems like a pretty big douche, I don't think it was merely a case of "I'm unhappy, I need to change things." And considering the dad already has a new woman and apparently new kid, I don't think the OP needs to be there for him that much. In fact, she'd probably be justified in not really liking him very much anymore, although I do agree on the "don't get fixated on being angry with dad" sentiment. Not for the dad of course but for the OP herself. Hating is hard work and mostly a waste of time.

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  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. Sadly, it sounds like his self-interest has trumped the interests of all of you in his mind. The best thing you can do is to be with friends who truly care about you, and be there for your Mom.

    If your stepdad ever snaps out of it, he will come to you... likely in shame and asking for forgiveness. At that time, you can decide what to do. But if he is in a bad enough state that he wouldn't even bring you over for Christmas, there is likely little you can personally do to snap him out of his selfishness. Surround yourself with those who genuinely care about you, and be with them instead of trying to be with him.

    I have to disagree with one of the above posters who speculates that he probably feels guilty right now. He probably does not. Hopefully he will realize someday how selfish and hurtful his actions were, but right now he's probably working as hard as he can to justify it all to himself. Confrontation could possibly bring him to a breakthrough, but more than likely it will just make him think that he needs to cut off all ties to you so that he can continue doing what he wants to do unimpeded. It's horrible, selfish, and cruel... but it is the most likely scenario. =(

    You have our support. =(

    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Thanks guys, I really appreciate your support. I guess I just needed to know there were people that could help me get some perspective and keep my head above water.

    I probably shouldn't waste my time hating him or his new ladypersonwhatever*badwords* but he lied and lied and lied... and then when I found out about her and called him on it, he lied some more until I flat out told him "I KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED"... and even then he admitted part of it but not all.

    And he does not feel any guilt whatsoever. He thinks he is totally justified and doesn't care what happens to my mom now. He is flaunting his new g/f all over town and what i hear through the family grapevine is that he's planning to marry her after the divorce is final in January.

    I call my mom every day almost, sometimes only every other day b/c of work... and I do everything I can to lift her up and encourage her and make her laugh. I eat all my own pain because I can't let her see how this is affecting me. She needs me to be strong.

    The kicker is in July was their 15 year anniversary and he bought her roses, told her despite the fights they've had in the past he was happy to have her and loved her and blah blah blah, then a month later, BAM!

    My mom has been the lowest she's ever felt and he doesn't care what he's done to her... Me, I can take it (mostly), I have my biological dad in my life still and friends and a boyfriend (eventhough it hurts like fucking hell).

    I don't think I can ever forgive him for what he did to my mom... and I just wish I could tell him that. I don't know if it would make a difference to him. I don't know if it would make me feel better.
    I've been journaling a lot lately writing letters to him in my journal and then writing notes around it about how it makes me feel.

    I wanted to still have some sort of relationship with him...but I don't know if I can. There's so much disappointment and resentment and yes, hate. And I just don't know how to deal with that.

    I just want to clairfy, I'm a pretty stable gal. Good career and some good friends even though I'm across the damn country. I'm not drinking myself into oblivion because that's not me. I'm not sitting in the dark listening to my smiths albums. But it has kept me up at night and it has affected my work some because I'm so distracted and upset and hurt and really worried about my mom's well being. My poor boyfriend has had to deal with me just breaking down and crying a few times because I bottle it all up until I pop.


    Limp Moose- I'm sorry you're having to go through this too. It's lousy and it sucks so bad. Thanks for your reply, if you need an ear from someone that's dealing with similar things to you~ ya know.


    Thank you guys :(
    It's amazing how even as a grown-up something like this can make you feel like you're 6 years old.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • variantvariant Registered User
    edited December 2008
    You need to be strong for your mom. It's okay to dislike him, he betrayed your trust, but don't end up on the 10 o'clock news or something. Just move on and help your mom move on.

  • skyybahamutskyybahamut Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Miss Delgado,

    I am sorry to hear about the misfortune that has befallen you and your mother. I too have recently had my parents divorce. Theirs was after 27 years of marrage. They had been going to marrage counciling for about a year before my dad dropped this bomb. At first I too had blinding rage, but this has faded to mere resentment and sometimes numbness. My father too left my mom for another woman. He brought her to Thanksgiving at my uncle's place. I was told mere hours before I went there that he had found another woman in his life and that he had brought her to the family. She's actually a nice person, and you may have to anticipate that the woman that your ex-step-dad is seeing might be nice. I will add that the new woman's daugher should have no ill will wished on her form you. She did not pick your ex-step-dad, her mother did.

    I don't envy the freshness of the wounds that you are experiencing, but they do lessen with time. All my best wished and thoughts are with you in this troubled time.

    This signature is for SCIENCE!
  • HK5HK5 Registered User
    edited December 2008
    If you want to stay in your step-dad's life without having this fester forever, he has to know how you feel. Since your feelings seem to be pretty close to the surface right now, maybe try writing it all out in a letter that you can revise several times to send the right message. It might give you a better handle on exactly why his actions are so hurtful to you, and it will explain it to him as well. If you need to cut off contact with him for a while, I can't see anyone faulting you for that.

    Every time I post in an H/A thread I feel like I say this but it was so helpful to me personally that I can't help but harp on it: find a therapist and talk about what's going on. Situations like this have such a strong chance of effecting all your future relationships that it just makes more sense to get some help dealing with it right away.

    Oh and take some solace in the knowledge that what comes around, goes around. He'll likely get what he deserves from this next relationship, if he's being as selfish as it sounds.

  • UnderdogUnderdog Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    HK5 wrote: »
    If you want to stay in your step-dad's life without having this fester forever, he has to know how you feel. Since your feelings seem to be pretty close to the surface right now, maybe try writing it all out in a letter that you can revise several times to send the right message. It might give you a better handle on exactly why his actions are so hurtful to you, and it will explain it to him as well. If you need to cut off contact with him for a while, I can't see anyone faulting you for that.

    While the olive branch can be eventually extended, I think right now it should be avoided. Susan has already said he feels absolutely no guilt over anything he's done so far, there's not a lot of hope he's going to be touched by a letter from her. I think right now he's enjoying his new "life" and also totally expecting to be criticised for it. He's probably anticipating people telling him how wrong it was of him to do the stuff he's done in the way that he's done it and so will likely meet ANY signs of criticism (small and big) with a very defensive, "turn it back around on you" sort of attitude.

    OP, I know you hate him and you're wondering how you deal with it, well I think keeping in mind that a) with his lack of sympathy to you and mum, any hate you throw his way is just going to be a lot of work on your part (it's pretty exhausting to hate someone) for very little effect on his part and b) that while you can't stop hating him right now, you need to keep in mind that eventually you'll need to let it go for your own sake. You're going to hate him right now and that's sort of a given so don't worry too much about it. Problems could arise if you hold on to it for too long so just remember that you'll need to let it fade eventually and hopefully this will let the hate will burn itself out over time so you can move on. I guess I'm telling you to try to focus more on the big picture of life and your future and don't let your crappy step-dad dominate your perspective for too long of a time.

    Your step-dad is a pretty big asshole. This is coming from someone who had a pretty big asshole as a dad too so that's saying a lot.

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  • MandaManda Registered User
    edited December 2008
    Susan and Limp, are we long lost siblings?

    My mom filed divorce papers a few weeks ago, ending her 18-year marriage with my step-father, the man who raised me since I was four. My best advice is to remember that your step-father may have been like your dad, but he isn't anymore. Regardless of whether or not you can maintain a relationship with him in the future, your mother will always be your mom and right now she needs your support.

    As for you, give yourself some time to heal. Talk it out with people, take some time to grieve, do things that are fun. This isn't the sort of thing you work out in a day. It's natural to mourn for what you've lost, but don't forget that you still have a lot of people who love you.

    Give yourself some space from your step-dad and his assholish actions. When the dust settles and emotions start to clear, then you can decide if he still deserves your love and forgiveness.

    What are you doing on these forums? You should be out using your keen intellect to fight crime.
  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    Moose and Manda~ Maybe we should adopt each other haha

    I am a pretty strong believer in Karma... I can only hope that what goes around truly does go around. And that if my mom and I move on and make ourselves better and stronger people he will see that and it will be the best kind of revenge possible.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • poshnialloposhniallo Registered User regular
    edited December 2008
    I think it's better for your emotional health to tell him how you feel. I don't think showing anger towards him is stooping to his level, or risking your relationship - I think holding your feelings in and not expressing them is much worse. I don't think you should 'be the better person'. I'm sorry to say that just sounds like a moral competition, which is pointless. You should be you - someone who has been lied to and hurt by it.

    Having said that, you should be fair. It's OK for him to have a girlfriend now. When you use words like 'flaunting' it makes me think you have a problem with him being with another woman full stop, rather than his lying. Don't disrespect his girlfriend unless you have a real reason to do so.

    My parents divorced a long time ago, and my Dad acted terribly before, during, and after. I didn't speak to him for more than ten years, but now we have some contact, and a relationship of sorts.

    What I'm going to say next is not the prevailing wisdom, and it's not what anyone told me at the time. But it is a viewpoint I reached after years of working through my feelings.

    My point is it's OK to take sides.

    My Mum told me that there was fault on both sides, and that people don't split up just because of one partner's actions. That's absolutely true. Your parents' break-up was no-one's fault. Neither of them is to blame (and I hope you understand neither are you).

    However, there are a lot of different ways to break up with someone. There are a lot of different ways to fall in love with a new person and end an old relationship. The things your stepfather did are not OK. He was dishonest with you, rejected you, and hurt you. It's OK to tell him that. The best way, of course, is calmly, without it becoming a screaming match.

    I spent a lot of years trying to see how my father's actions were OK, because that's clearly what my Mum (who is a wonderfully forgiving yet strong person, as well as a professional psychologist and sociologist) wanted me to feel. She believed that was psychologically healthy.

    In the end, though, I just couldn't see that, and the effort of trying to not pick sides etc was doing my head in. I was much happier once I allowed myself to see that

    (a) It wasn't his fault that they got divorced
    (b) Their relationship wasn't good and they were better off apart
    (c) He was a bastard to her when they could have just got divorced amicably

    and most importantly,

    (d) He was a shit to me and my sister.

    All that mixed together means it's OK for you to hate him (and tell him so) because he hurt you and treated her badly. You should try and separate your feelings about the fact that they broke up from the way they broke up.


    Does any of that make sense?

    Anyway, you say you've been writing about it a lot.

    Why don't you send him a letter? You can say how you feel without losing control, and you can rewrite it as many times as you need to before sending it. And I don't mean the kind of letter you write for yourself but don't send. Communicate with him - it's justified and necessary.

    I figure I could take a bear.
  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I've been trying really hard to just let stuff go and forget about my stepdad and the broad he's shacking up with now.... So for Christmas his sister SENDS ME A PIC OF HIS NEW G/F. THANKS! THAT REALLY ASSUAGES MY ANGER.

    I have to keep in contact with him for my car (I don't remember if I mentioned the loan for my car is in his name) until I can buy it from him (hopefully by the end of Feb.) I also need to get all of my tax records and my moms tax records from him since I will not let him do my taxes for me anymore. My mom needs hers b/c she's looking at buying a house with her brother for their mom. I don't think he is going to give them to me... either set.
    How can I go about getting my tax info and my mom's so we can move on with our lives financially?

    This is my biggest concern right now. All these ends need to be tied up so I can cut him out of my life. I am angry all the time now. I am hurt and hateful and I don't like it. I don't want someone like him in my life.

    I've been trying to write him a letter telling him exactly how I feel, but I know he will never take any responsibility for his actions. He couldn't even tell my mom "This is what's best for me and I'm going, but I'm sorry that I had to hurt you". I mean ... C'MON ... after 15 years, he couldn't even say he was even the tiniest bit sorry for sending her into this major downward spiral...
    And him and his family expect me to just go on my merry way and keep in contact with them... ARE THEY DENSE?

    I'm really trying to focus on positive things, wish for good things to come to my mother and me instead of wishing ill on him and his family, focus on growth instead of on smacking him upside the head.
    I know it takes a lot of energy to hate someone because I am constantly drained now. But how do you stop?? How do you make it just vanish? Ugh.

    I hate this. I'm hoping that once all the odds and ends are finished that I can just forget him (because forgetting someone is much harsher than punishing them in my book) and move on. But until those things are cleared up I don't know how to let it go.

    Listening to how hurt and devastated my mom is just makes it worse... I hate him more and more everyday for hurting my mom in this way... nevermind my own hurt.
    I hope Karma is indeed real. I hope that if my mom and I keep moving along in a forward and positive direction we'll see the benefit and I hope his lying and sneaking and betraying will follow him and find him.

    *sigh*

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    How connected are you to this *particular* car? ...because if the loan's in his name entirely (i.e. not in yours at all), and he's just going to make you buy it from him anyways, you can make him work for it. Make him contact you if he wants to discuss the car. If he wants to stop payments/get it impounded/do something to get it back, that's his business and goes against his credit record. Then you go and spend the money you would've given him anyways to get a car of your own. Hell, I would probably advise doing that anyways if you can. There's no need to give him any reason to make him feel like you owe him something. Let him deal with a car that he has to make payments for the neither he nor you want anymore... I mean, unless there's some really good reason why you need this particular car.

    I am sorry that you and your Mom have had to go through this. You're doing the right thing though by trying to push on and push this guy out of your lives until (or rather, unless) he pulls his head out of his ass. It's hard, but in the end you will feel better for having done it I think.

    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    The thing about the car is I'm in VA and he's in CO. It's my only mode of transportation right now and the logistics of the whole thing seems to suck. I love my car, it's the newest and nicest thing I've ever had. It was always the plan that as soon as I was on my feet and could get my own loan for it that I would just buy it from him, that should be soon...ish.

    I have pretty good credit and there's a credit union back home that I've done business with for the better part of 10 years, so getting the loan shouldn't be *too* bad. My uncle will co-sign for me, if need be.

    Any ideas on the tax stuff? Can we request our records showing we have indeed filed and paid our taxes for the past however long from the IRS? I don't know much about that kind of stuff.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    PS~ Thank you, VT and everyone that has responded. Thank you very very much.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    The thing about the car is I'm in VA and he's in CO. It's my only mode of transportation right now and the logistics of the whole thing seems to suck. I love my car, it's the newest and nicest thing I've ever had. It was always the plan that as soon as I was on my feet and could get my own loan for it that I would just buy it from him, that should be soon...ish.

    I have pretty good credit and there's a credit union back home that I've done business with for the better part of 10 years, so getting the loan shouldn't be *too* bad. My uncle will co-sign for me, if need be.

    Any ideas on the tax stuff? Can we request our records showing we have indeed filed and paid our taxes for the past however long from the IRS? I don't know much about that kind of stuff.

    I'm assuming that, if you're dad is being a selfish asshole in other parts of life, he's not going to change for this (and he's going to charge you fair market value for the car). In that case, there's no difference between getting it from him and getting it from a company, other than that with the company if they screw you over you can complain to the BBB. If you get it from your Dad, you're going to have to deal with him for a long time.

    Don't even drive it back to him. Tell him to get his selfish ass over there and pick it up if he wants it, but that you're done with it. You don't want it anymore. That's what I think at least... that could be extreme, but then again so is the level of his selfishness.

    n/p, glad to help. I can only imagine how horrible the situation feels. If I may share with you a story that I remember, one that I experienced indirectly through friends of my parents.

    My parents were friends with a family who had a husband who did something like this... he thought the money he had in his lucrative business meant he could do whatever he wanted. So one day he up and left his wife and their two young kids (2 and 6 years old, respectively), ran off with his secretary, and then tried to use his money and access to attorneys to boss his wife around and take the house and most of what they owned. For a while, it looked like he was going to win, as he had the assets necessary to (seemingly) do whatever he wanted.

    The wife fought back, and took the entirety of the house and nearly everything of worth that they owned, and he got cockslapped in public by the Judge who told him he should be "ashamed of his childish behavior". The wife got the fortune he had been sitting on, and though what he did still hurts, the knowledge that her kids will not have to worry about money as a result helps a little... and the jerk's public humiliation was something that was long overdue.

    No one who knew what happened respected the husband. He eventually left his lucrative position thinking he could start his own company, but that didn't work. And when the money left so did his secretary. I've never seen him since that incident, but I can only imagine that he's a miserable shell of a man after all of that, which is exactly what he deserves. If not, then he's a delusional, lonely, and pitiful man.

    From that, I believe in karma. I think it'll come around to your Dad too... it just takes time sometimes. And sometimes you don't even know that it happened. But people who are selfish at the expense of others will eventually get theirs, when the people around them realize that they, too, are just fodder: stepping stools for his personal betterment.

    Anyways, I hope that helps.

    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • HK5HK5 Registered User
    edited January 2009
    You can get copies of your tax returns from the IRS for like $40.00. Just call them and ask and they'll give you the details. If that's all you need it might be better to just get it from them and limit your contact to him.

    Sounds like you'll have to make it clear to both him and his sister (and other family members maybe) that you don't approve of his actions and don't want to hear about his new situation or they're just going to assume that you're OK with how things played out. I know it might not feel productive because in all likelihood you're not going to provoke change, or an apology, or anything useful from him by stating how you feel. And you have to do what you feel is right and healthy in this situation. But just consider that letting go of the hurt and anger that is building up might be best facilitated by putting those emotions out there and seeing him deal with them. You're obviously a smart, thoughtful, caring person and he severely damaged his relationship with you because he did a stupid, selfish thing. He should know that in no uncertain terms.

  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    HK5 wrote: »
    You can get copies of your tax returns from the IRS for like $40.00. Just call them and ask and they'll give you the details. If that's all you need it might be better to just get it from them and limit your contact to him.

    Sounds like you'll have to make it clear to both him and his sister (and other family members maybe) that you don't approve of his actions and don't want to hear about his new situation or they're just going to assume that you're OK with how things played out. I know it might not feel productive because in all likelihood you're not going to provoke change, or an apology, or anything useful from him by stating how you feel. And you have to do what you feel is right and healthy in this situation. But just consider that letting go of the hurt and anger that is building up might be best facilitated by putting those emotions out there and seeing him deal with them. You're obviously a smart, thoughtful, caring person and he severely damaged his relationship with you because he did a stupid, selfish thing. He should know that in no uncertain terms.

    Yes. This.

    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    This is kind of non-sequitir advice, but it helped me:

    Volunteer. I had a lot of deep, deep-seated trust issues develop out of a situation vaguely like this happening in my life--I didn't realize how badly it messed me up. Spending more time volunteering for things I believed in helped me meet people who were willing to sacrifice some time for something that they also believed in. And that was important; after having my life wrecked by doing something selfish, it was helpful to find so many people who could do something altruistic.

  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    OK *deep breath* I've got to email the stepdad and ask for this stuff I/my mom need. Since he still has things I need, I know I need to be as civil as possible w/o coming off like a *total* ice princess.... yay for diplomacy?

    Will you guys look this over and give me some input if I need to change anything to get the point across more clearly/concisely/nicely/etc?

    **********************

    ,
    Happy New Year, hope you are doing OK so far this year.

    I need your help getting a few things. I should have my credit cards paid off fairly soon and want to start shopping around for a loan so I can finally take over the car. Could you get me the pay-off amount so I know what I'm going to be looking at?

    I'm also planning on doing my taxes this year, could you send me my filing info from the past years so I can start keeping all my records together.

    Lastly since I'm her POA, mom has asked me to get her last 5 years of income tax returns from you. She has an appointment coming up soon and needs them. If you could just get them to her by 1/9, that'd be great. If you could just mail them to the PO BOX, or she said she could come by your house Friday after work and get them from you.

    Thanks a bunch, please give the dog and cat some love for me.
    ~Susan

    ***************

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sounds good to me, you were very civil about it.

    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Well, the request for info went relatively without incident. He emailed me some BS email filled with "kiddo" and "!!!!" after every sentence. My mom got what she needed and supposedly my stuff is on its way.

    I've been thinking a lot about things and the more I think, the more I realize that no matter what I say, he's never going to be sorry or apologetic. I need to be OK with that and move on. ... "OK" isn't the right word. I need to just "deal" with the fact that that's the way it is.

    I want to be able to say to him "You fucked up, buddy. I don't care about you or what you do to pursue your own "happiness". What you did to me and my mom was flat out dastardly and wrong. I will never forgive you for what you put her through and you need to take responsibility for your actions and wrong-doing. I will never understand how you could treat my mom the way you did and I will never be accepting of the way you went about things. Our relationship will forever been strained, if there even is a relationship, and you need to know that you're the on at fault here. You taught me to be accountable for my actions and always show class and honesty... You didn't do a single one of those things and for that I have lost all respect for you."
    But even if I did, I wouldn't get any satisfaction because...he just doesn't care.


    I would like to start seeing a therapist. I have a lot of anger and stress and hurt that my b/f and my friends just can't work out for me. I am just not sure how to go about finding one since A) I'm not in school anymore and B) my insurance doesn't cover any sort of mental health expenses.
    Suggestions?

    Thanks again everyone. I know none of you really know me, but it's been tough lately and just having someone to lend an ear (or eye as it were) is genuinely appreciated.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Well, the request for info went relatively without incident. He emailed me some BS email filled with "kiddo" and "!!!!" after every sentence. My mom got what she needed and supposedly my stuff is on its way.

    I've been thinking a lot about things and the more I think, the more I realize that no matter what I say, he's never going to be sorry or apologetic. I need to be OK with that and move on. ... "OK" isn't the right word. I need to just "deal" with the fact that that's the way it is.

    I want to be able to say to him "You fucked up, buddy. I don't care about you or what you do to pursue your own "happiness". What you did to me and my mom was flat out dastardly and wrong. I will never forgive you for what you put her through and you need to take responsibility for your actions and wrong-doing. I will never understand how you could treat my mom the way you did and I will never be accepting of the way you went about things. Our relationship will forever been strained, if there even is a relationship, and you need to know that you're the on at fault here. You taught me to be accountable for my actions and always show class and honesty... You didn't do a single one of those things and for that I have lost all respect for you."
    But even if I did, I wouldn't get any satisfaction because...he just doesn't care.


    I would like to start seeing a therapist. I have a lot of anger and stress and hurt that my b/f and my friends just can't work out for me. I am just not sure how to go about finding one since A) I'm not in school anymore and B) my insurance doesn't cover any sort of mental health expenses.
    Suggestions?

    Thanks again everyone. I know none of you really know me, but it's been tough lately and just having someone to lend an ear (or eye as it were) is genuinely appreciated.

    If it helps, the form of his response probably is a sign that he's really, really hoping that you still love him and that you don't realize what a jackass move he's done. He's overcompensating in his response to attempt to seem friendly.

    What that means, if I may speculate, is that you have him by his balls (unintentionally perhaps, but he's played his hand). Somewhere in there, he DOES care what you think of him. Maybe he doesn't care what your mom thinks of him, but he cares what YOU think of him.

    You'll know for sure if you cold shoulder him and he responds by buying you an outlandish and overpriced present to try and win your affection.

    I'd be willing to bet a steak dinner that he still cares what you think of him... and if you wanted to, telling him what you mentioned would probably rend him in two (even though he'd do his best not to show it). If I'm wrong, then the nature of his E-Mail was to fake civility, and in that case he's such an asshole that there's really no sense sparing his feelings anyways.

    Use this information in what way you will.

    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Parental Unit RemulakRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Sorry to come in so late, but I went through something very close to what you are going through and I want to state my admiration towards your civility.

    I know when it happened to me, every cell in my body was screaming at me to tell him what I really thought of him, but I didn't. My dad actually turned out to be a huge douchebag in other ways unrelated to this, but I can honestly say one of the few comforts of a situation like this is that you have the choice to be a grown-up, and if you take it you will feel so much better down the road.

    So, nicely done. Here's hoping you can continue the niceties throughout the crappiness, it always gets tougher before it gets easier.

    ElJeffe wrote: »
    I get by on the knowledge that I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time mucking about inside of my asshole anyway
  • TopweaselTopweasel Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Let me preface to this with this.

    My dad was a douche bag, then we got along and I thought he wasn't, then he became a douche bag after he pulled something like this, then it occurred to me he was always a douche bag.

    That said. First The guys tend to be very selfish. The kind that come home sit on the chair waiting for the mother to bring in dinner, and if by the next day those dishes aren't cleaned gets pissed. Even if they don't get violent they have a temper.

    The Problem is this is his mid life crisis. He feels that life didn't go the way he wanted it. Maybe he is pissed because now without worrying about the kids (or kid), and being in a position to spend more time with the wifey finds that she had been so busy working, making food, cleaning dishes and making the bed all the while forced to sit in silence while he watched TV, that they haven't connected emotionally in a long time.

    Now if this is kind of what may or may transpired I can give you some insight onto how this worked with my dad.

    First the Slut is issue number one. Your Stepfather and your mom may/will never get back together but as long as whore #1 is still around you guys won't be. At this time she is the only one that gets him, actually cares for him. Everything you ask for as the child (help or support) is already selfish. Any problems you have with her is you being selfish. He doesn't want to alienate her because he can't lose her. Its also her over you on everything including your birthday you will have to do something with him only (not mom or other family) and you have to let her come. It is not fair to him that you have any issue with her and you again are being selfish if she can't come and is making him choose between the two of you.

    If this sounds right in any way there is hope for you. I have two siblings (all of us his), that's three kids he did this shit with. Sound horrible right? Well the fact is he probably does love you, and the Idea you have hate for him, probably makes him sad. He isn't sorry for what he did, maybe how he did it. But you just need to understand what he is going through in his heart. So the good news is he doesn't hate or love you any less. The bad news is this has little affect on how he will handle stuff day to day. Its always the same woe is me BS. I recommend being civil and treat him like you would if he was a new step dad, be civil, when you see him give him hugs, don't say you love him if you don't and be frank with him on any questions he asks including on whether or not you hate him. Eventually he can be your father again maybe and only if he has moved on from the hussy that broke up your family. Everyone in the world including them know that everyone blames her. It is impossible to deal with and that's why things like the Christmas gets canceled for you.

    Luckily for you and my siblings you actually had some real care built in there before hand. It makes it a bit harder because emotions a flaring every which way. But you can't have that kind of hate if there wasn't true love there in the first place. The relationship with me on the other hand was so weak and relatively fresh that when this happened I was able to emotionally disconnect from him. Its made it easier for me to watch as an outsider and give my biased advise (of course I am pissed at the short end of the stick my mom has gotten).

  • QuirkQuirk Registered User
    edited January 2009
    My dad left my mum in a not dissimilar fashion, and even though it destroyed her for a couple of years she is now getting ready to marry a doctor, who is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. My dad however is living in a shitty little house with his girlfriend and her mother and no money.

    She ruined him financially (faked having a good job, got a massive mortgage and lied on it, almost getting the both of them sent to court, even though he had no idea of it) but he took her back because he is weak, cannot live alone and is an idiot. I love my dad, but I gotta say he had this coming, and I hope the fact that people can get their comeuppance might help.

    Your dad is being a giant ass here, no two ways about it, but don't let the anger consume you. I know from experience it is an easy thing to do, and you never know, this might be the best thing that has ever happened to you mum in the long run, I know it was for mine

    Good luck, keep your chin up and keep helping your mum any way you can

  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I seriously hate this man.

    After asking him for my mom's stuff and my tax stuff, he was cool and complied and got my mom what she needed.... I have yet to receive MY stuff...

    Fast forward a couple weeks, I asked him to let me know if he would get with my mom to make arrangements to do their taxes or if I needed to mediate... I don't hear from him... but I get a very short snotty email asking if I've sent my car payment and the $$ for my registration (which I have). No mention of what I'd asked him to do or the paperwork I asked him to send.

    My mom just got the finalized divorce papers in the mail this week and is a veritable basketcase. All she wants is to get this done and have him out of her life so she can move on with hers. She even had the tax preparer OK them having separate appointments to perform the joint filing.... all he has to do is freakin' SHOW UP... he doesn't even have to see or talk to her and he's balking on this. WTF

    I've heard through the grapevine that he's told people he's having regrets. I don't care if he's having regrets. I want him to just get this over with and GTFO of my mother's life. I don't want him to have any tie to her and I don't want to have any tie to him.

    I'm still hosed until probably the end of Feb/beginning of March until I can get my car into my name. I'm worried now about getting my paperwork and what property he still has in his house that's mine (some random furniture that I'm not willing to give up). What the hell am I going to do to get my stuff away from this jackass???

    Why is he being such a douchebag? Why can't he just hurry the fuck up and get this over with so we can move on and get him the hell out of our lives?? Why why why???

    I'm so tired of this and so tired of being hurt and mad and angry and I'm tired of seeing how he affects my mom... I just want it all over... Why is he doing this to us?
    I'm at work crying like a stupid girl... I hate him for that too.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
  • HK5HK5 Registered User
    edited January 2009
    I'd give you a big hug if I could but I'll have to settle for saying that if he keeps jerking you around regarding your possessions, you might have to cut your losses and go on without them. It completely sucks, but if he's feeling regrets he'll use that stuff to manipulate you into staying in his life when he's not willing to put in the work to repair your relationship. I hate to say it but this tactic often works.

    I left an abusive home at 16 only to have my own father bribe my little sister into staying with a pony. A PONY. It doesn't get any more cliched. Anyway, she ended up barely finishing high school and marrying a loser that beats her. I ended up graduating college and maintaining my independence. I feel I benefited a lot from not allowing myself to be manipulated by material possessions. Although I guess technically she does still have the pony.

    I'm not trying to say that you're a poor, sad little confused girl. Clearly you have a better head on your shoulders than that. Just think this over and ask yourself where you will draw the line. When is it going to reach the point where you refuse to let him continue to hurt you? The only way to do this is to cut off all ties with him, even if it means losing out on things that are important to you. If you still feel that you can reason with him and get what you want out of it, by all means give it your best shot. Just draw that mental line, and stick to it.

  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    HK5 wrote: »
    I'd give you a big hug if I could but I'll have to settle for saying that if he keeps jerking you around regarding your possessions, you might have to cut your losses and go on without them. It completely sucks, but if he's feeling regrets he'll use that stuff to manipulate you into staying in his life when he's not willing to put in the work to repair your relationship. I hate to say it but this tactic often works.

    I left an abusive home at 16 only to have my own father bribe my little sister into staying with a pony. A PONY. It doesn't get any more cliched. Anyway, she ended up barely finishing high school and marrying a loser that beats her. I ended up graduating college and maintaining my independence. I feel I benefited a lot from not allowing myself to be manipulated by material possessions. Although I guess technically she does still have the pony.

    I'm not trying to say that you're a poor, sad little confused girl. Clearly you have a better head on your shoulders than that. Just think this over and ask yourself where you will draw the line. When is it going to reach the point where you refuse to let him continue to hurt you? The only way to do this is to cut off all ties with him, even if it means losing out on things that are important to you. If you still feel that you can reason with him and get what you want out of it, by all means give it your best shot. Just draw that mental line, and stick to it.

    Indeed, I find myself agreeing with HK5's position. Don't let yourself be bribed (this happens a LOT... HK5's scenario above sounds unrealistic in a sane world, but the world of an attention-starved middle aged man is hardly sane), and decide for yourself in advance where "too far" is... and then don't take it if he goes past that limit.

    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • ForarForar #432 Already prepping for Toronto Fan Expo!Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    In regards to retreiving property, might it be a matter to get the police involved with? I know in cases of domestic abuse (such as involving my mother), the police were willing to send someone along to allow us to retrieve some of our posessions from the house. Granted, they were there for my mother's protection, but also as an outside party to ensure that things went smoothly.

    Maybe I'm wrong, or things don't work like that anymore, but I thought I'd mention it as a possible interim step between giving up on your remaining posessions and getting the courts involved?

    IANAL, etc. If I'm wrong or there's a better approach to the situation (perhaps due to improvements in the law over the past decade and a half since this went down for me), please feel free to correct me.

    sigtwo.png
  • EntriechEntriech Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Provided that he's not actually hostile towards you coming over to retrieve your things, I'd take a day, gather up some emotional support/physical help, grab a truck and get everything in one fell swoop. Bring along the BF, friends, relatives, whoever is firmly supporting you and willing to help carry a few items. It won't look out of place to have a posse of people there because it's moving, and folks pitching in on moves is completely normal.

    Not only will doing it with supportive people give you more confidence, a larger audience may also keep a situation from developing because of societal pressure not to make a scene. You can even prime things by sending along a list of the possessions you're expecting to pick up, and deal with any conflicts over who owns what ahead of time.

    Gamecenter/Gamertag/Steam ID/PSN: Entriech
    Guild Wars 2: Entriech.3507 | Scythe Gearsnap, Phlork, Irenic
  • Susan DelgadoSusan Delgado Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Thanks guys for your responses.. I know I keep saying it, but I really truly do appreciate it.

    I would love to just go over and get my stuff, unfortunately I'm living 2,000 miles away from "Home" right now. He tends to do things on his own time not when other people need/want things done... again, he's a very selfish/self centered person.

    The reason I didn't take every last piece of my furniture and possessions when I moved was that I didn't have the money for a rental truck/moving service. I packed my Grand Am with everything I could, and headed out. I figured my "Home" would always be there and I could send for it eventually (or my parents would make a trip out here to visit and put it on their pick-up truck for me). Silly me!

    I hope he just gets all this tax junk done and makes it easy for me to get the car in my name and get my stuff away from his house. Man... ugh... Thank you guys, thank you so so much, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for listening to me and offering your kind words and advice.

    Go then, there are other worlds than these.
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