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[Let's Play] Final Fantasy VII! A Tale of Revenge, Redemption, and Ridiculosity

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Posts

  • cj iwakuracj iwakura The Rhythm Regent Chantry of NightmaresRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Marmaduke?

    cj iwakura on
    qiPckwJ.png
    赤い月 赤い月 罪を 犯した 者共の 穢れを 清める | Kill The Past
  • FoodFood Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Clifford

    Food on
  • KorKor Known to detonate from time to time Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Red Rocket

    Kor on
    DS Code: 3050-7671-2707
    Pokemon Safari - Sneasel, Pawniard, ????
  • Cameron_TalleyCameron_Talley Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    The awesomness continues.

    As someone who has never played the game before: So far the story reminds me of FFVI. A Lot. Just replace "Ancients" with Espers. Pretty much the same.

    Cameron_Talley on
    3DS code: 0404-6826-4588 PM if you add.
  • TimestonesTimestones Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Food wrote: »
    Clifford

    I second this one.

    Timestones on
  • BlitzAce1981BlitzAce1981 Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Surely it's beyond doubt that Shinra is run by a bunch of retards? I mean, they hired Hojo, the epitome of a mad scientist, and put him in charge of their entire science department - you'd have to be pretty damn moronic to do that.

    As for Red XIII, I'm gonna throw out a couple of suggestions; Simba, Fido, Nanaki, Angelo, Django, Wang. The last one's purely because he says "call me what you want."

    BlitzAce1981 on
    PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
  • MinionOfCthulhuMinionOfCthulhu Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Dog on Fire
    Amarant
    Or maybe a name that reflects the fact that Hojo wanted Red XIII and Aeris to fuck. Sue Fucker? Stud Dog? I don't know.

    MinionOfCthulhu on
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  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    In the "stud" vein:

    Loverboy.

    Stallion.

    And for random and weird:

    The DAWG.

    admanb on
  • RucioRucio Registered User
    edited January 2009
    Red Five.

    Also, Yes to this thread.

    Rucio on
  • AdusAdus Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    I personally like Scooby Doo, but it won't fit with the space. :(

    Clifford isn't bad either.

    Adus on
  • george-xgeorge-x Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Adus - these are awesome! Keep them up if you can, I'm cracking up

    george-x on
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  • Dr SnofeldDr Snofeld Registered User
    edited January 2009
    This LP is far, FAR better than it has any right to be.

    Dr Snofeld on
    l4d_sig.png
  • DusdaDusda is ashamed of this post Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    This is a most amazing LP, Adus. The 404 joke made me choke on my alfredo; keep it up!

    Dusda on
    and this sig. and this blog..
  • MatthewMatthew Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Does anyone else here feel that Square really dropped the ball with Aerith's character? Despite all the tragedy in her life, and her role in the game (which should have made her an enthralling character) I found her thoroughly unlikeable through the majority of the game. I would agree with most of the posters here and say she's a Mary Sue. The moment that really sealed the deal for me was at the Gold Saucer, right after we see Barret go to his hometown and see what's happened to it, and realize it's partially his fault, all she wants to do was ride around at the Gold Saucer.

    One of her primary purposes seems to be a trap for Cloud. Cloud is, of course, living Zack's life to an extent, and Aerith was Zack's true love. That Cloud seemed to have feelings for her (though I'm not really sure how deep they go) seems to me more a sign of the influence of Zack's memories, than true love. If anything, she had to die for him to really regain himself.

    I actually find the Kingdom Hearts Aerith to be much more likeable. She was mature and thoughtful, and just all around much better a character.

    Matthew on
  • YaYaYaYa Rick and Morty forever and ever 100 years! a100timesRickandMorty.comRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Nanaki just for massive confusion when we get to Cosmo Canyon

    YaYa on
  • AdusAdus Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    Nothing to see here, folks. Carry on, carry on.

    Part 7 - Elevators from Hell
    Alright! This is the Shinra building. I always liked this part of the game, but it has some annoyances. It also makes as much sense as everything preceding it…

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    We’re about to find out this is a goddamned lie in like… 5 minutes.

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Jesus Christ… If your next words are “Why don’t you dress up like a girl, it’s the only way!” then I’m stabbing you in the tits.’

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    Where the hell was this option in Wall Market...?

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    Loaf was actually the one who suggested charging in, and this is how he greets them. I think this qualifies him for Badass of the Month.

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    After kicking some Shinra guard ass, we get to the elevator, alarms sound and the thing flips out. We have to keep stopping it to fight more guards and make the occasional man in a suit and tie shit his pants. You’d think in an emergency situation, the elevator would just cease to work, or that they might lock it down. But no. Because…

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    The security guard is… asleep. I guess I have to give the game credit for actually explaining why the security sucks, but it only makes Shinra, the evil megacorp, seem even more retarded than before.

    We arrive at floor 59 where we simply cut up some guards and steal the keycard to the supposedly mysterious floor 60. Here you play a sort of stealth avoid-the-guard mini game which makes no sense since we just killed a bunch of guards that looked exactly the same. Floor 61 appears to be a sort of lounge area where I’m literally just given the key for floor 62 because a guy thinks I’m the repairman. Yes, really.

    Then there’s this chick…

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Teach me how to get to the next floor… Lady, do I look like a complete idiot to you?

    Don’t answer that.’

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Yes, yes we are here for the pants party.’

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    I am shocked. This news is shocking.

    Anyways, he gives me a little game to play with the library books in order to get the keycard. He does this because he hates Shinra, so I guess he thinks letting group of clowns up one level is really sticking it to the man.

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    I guess when all you do on the job is jack off you gotta make sure it lasts.

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    On the next level we’re able to climb an air vent in the bathroom to sneak a peak at the Shinra board meeting.

    (They watch...)

    Reeve
    "We have the damage estimates for Sector 7."
    "Considering those factories we already set up and all the
    investments, the damage is estimated at approximately 10 Billion gil..."

    (The camera changes; we are now looking at the table head-on.)

    Reeve
    "The estimated cost to rebuild Sector 7 is..."

    President Costanza
    "We're not rebuilding."

    Reeve
    "What?"

    President Costanza
    "We're leaving Sector 7 as it is."
    "And restarting the Neo-Midgar plan."

    Reeve
    "...then the Ancients?"

    President Costanza
    "The Promised Land will soon be ours."
    "I want you to raise the Mako rates 15% in every area."

    (Palmer, a fat, bald, guy, jumps up and down.)

    Palmer
    "Rate hike! Rate hike! Tra, la, la! And please include our Space
    Program in the budget!"

    President Costanza
    "Reeve and Scarlet will divide the extra income from the rate
    increase."

    (Palmer sits down.)

    Palmer
    "Oh man!"

    (We are looking down from above again.)

    Reeve
    "Sir, if you raise the rates, the people will lose confidence..."

    President Costanza
    "It'll be all right."
    "The ignorant citizens won't lose confidence, they'll trust
    Shinra, Inc. even more."

    Heidegger
    "Ha ha ha!"
    "After all, we're the ones who saved Sector 7 from AVALANCHE!"

    Loaf
    "That dirty #$*$^"

    (We are looking at the table head-on again. Hojo enters the Conference
    Room.)

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    Ah Hojo. Stereotypical mad scientist. He seems to be fascinated with Mary, but unless finding new, mutated forms of STDs is like his version of Disneyworld, he’s probably going to be disappointed.
    Hojo
    "As a specimen, she is inferior to her mother. I'm still in the
    process of comparing her to her mother, Ifalna, but for now the difference
    is 18%."

    President Costanza
    "How long will the research take?"

    Hojo
    "Probably 120 years. It's probably impossible to finish in our
    lifetime. Or in the lifetime of the specimen too, for that matter."

    (Hojo turns away from the table.)

    Hojo
    "That's why we're thinking of breeding her. Then we could create
    one that would withstand our research for a long time."

    President Costanza
    "What about the Promised Land? Won't it hinder our plans?"

    Hojo
    "That's what I need to plan. The mother is strong... and yet has
    her weaknesses."

    (We are looking down from the duct again.)

    President Costanza
    "That concludes our meeting."

    (The employees dissemble. Scarlet pauses and looks up.)

    714m.jpg

    cloudhead.jpg ‘Aw, Loaf, man. Not cool.’

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    Well, maybe. She may be a flower girl but she doesn’t smell like roses if ya know what I mean.

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    The Mod Squad follows Mojo Jojo and discusses him a bit. For being a former First Class SOLDIER!! Squall doesn’t seem to know shit about Shinra’s inner workings… A bit curious, don’t you think?

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    Squall proves he's a regular Solid Snake. If Snake had bright blonde hair and was retarded.

    Hojo associate: ‘By the way, Sir. Your cactus over there is turning a bit yellow.’

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    hojohead.jpg ‘We wants it… We needs it… Must have the precious…’

    After playing with his doggie for a bit, Hojo leaves. Squall proceeds to takes a gander in that suspicious glowing bubble.

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    What the flipping hellwaffles is this?

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    Yeah, let’s not even bother to discuss what the hell that is. We have to save some stupid whore. Glad we have our priorities straight.

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    As we arrive, we discover Hojo observing Mary in a tube of some sort.

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    He also seems to be confusing “helping” with “beast rape.” He apparently wants to mate Mary and this dog. For reals. Can’t deny his logic. The potential offspring would be Two! Two endangered specimens in one!

    724.jpg

    Loaf once again takes the initiative.

    cloudhead.jpg ‘Woah, Loaf, be careful. You might hit that cool dog thing. Quick, Mary, act as a human shield for a minute.’

    725i.jpg

    Sacked, bitch.

    726.jpg

    cloudhead.jpg ‘Sweet Fancy Moses, it talks. Listen, buddy, you don’t want to give me this sort of creative freedom.’

    727c.jpg

    As tempting as naughty names are in situations like this… He is a dog that is ON FIRE. This is awesome enough to where it needs to be said often. This amuses me since I imagine them shouting it every time. Why oh why isn’t there an exclamation point? They have a freaking semicolon but not an exclamation point. Who the fuck has a semicolon in their name?

    The specimen elevator begins to move again, and we’re greeted by something even stranger than talking animals. Lockheart is ordered to take care of Mary because this is a job for the men… and FIRE DOG.

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    This boss is called uh… HO512. The little Metroids there get revived after a bit if you kill them so you pretty much just have to wail on the main thing with attacks and fire magic. Not too difficult.

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Woah… Okay, on our way out we’re stopping in the security room to try and get a tape of whatever they just did.’

    Someone inquires about just what FIRE DOG is.

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘He is called FIRE DOG for a reason, idiots.’

    We’re done here. Let’s split.

    732b.jpg

    cloudhead.jpg ‘But… we’re going down.’

    733u.jpg

    cloudhead.jpg ‘Aw man, The Pimps. I’m about to get slapped, aren’t I?’

    We’re shackled and taken to President Costanza who tries to explain why they want Mary.

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    Costanza: ‘The Promised Land must be the body of this hottie.’

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    Basically, he thinks Mary can lead him to the Promised Land where there are immense amounts of Mako. They’ll build a new Midgar on top and they’ll never have to worry about oil… er Mako shortage again. Course, this’ll fuck up the planet but who cares about that, right? Eh, Squall?

    So we get sent to the cells.

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    What can I say? She’s skilled at her job.

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Ladies, please… Don’t do this now…

    …Save it for when there’s the possibility of torn clothing.’

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    Probably just cries because it can’t cut itself and end its pathetic life of being infested by morons.

    Loaf in the next cell has a pretty decent summary of what’s going on so far.
    Loaf
    "Hey!"
    "Mary Sue is an Ancient and the real name of the Ancients is
    Cetra."
    "The Ancients know where the Promised Land is and the Shinra is
    searching for that Promised Land."
    "I only hear stories 'bout the Promised Land. I don't know if it
    really exists."
    "Is that right?"
    "The Shinra believe that the Promised Land is full of Mako
    energy."
    "Which means, if the Shinra get there, they'll suck up all the
    Mako energy."
    "...and the land'll wither away. The Planet's gonna get weaker."

    (He stands.)

    Loaf
    "I can't just leave 'em be. I'm recruitin' new members!!"
    "Me, Lockheart, Squall... and Mary Sue too."

    (He turns to FIRE DOG)

    Loaf
    "How 'bout you?"

    (FIRE DOG gets up, stretches, and lies down again.)

    Loaf
    "You're so damn boring."

    After that they decide to just get some sleep. Squall doesn’t take advantage of his shared cell with Hot Tits and the Planet cries more. When they wake, however, the doors are suspiciously open, and the guard is messed all sorts of up.

    743v.jpg
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    cloudhead.jpg ‘The thing is going around on a murderous rampage without a head? Some serious Sleepy Hollow shit going on ‘round here.’

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    No! This was supposed to be the Summer of George!

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    Le gasp!

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Rufus? That’s a pretty macho name. Guy must be some sort of badass.’

    750l.jpg

    cloudhead.jpg ‘Bahahahahaha… He looks like Conan O’Brien’

    Time for ROLL CALL!

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    Squall!

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    Loaf!

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    Lockheart!

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    Slum Whore!

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    FIRE DOG!!!

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    CROOOOOOW!

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    Rufus begins to tell us his plans for world domination in a very Bond Villanesque way.

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    I always thought that was a pretty cool quote, actually. Anyways, Squall tells everyone to get out while he deals with the king of Late Night.

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    This is now the third time since we got here that getting on an elevator has caused us problems. Next time we use the damn stairs… This is Hundred Gunner. He’s a bit annoying because you can only hit him with range, so Mary and FIRE DOG can only use magic. I socketed Loaf’s weapon with Elemental and Lightning materia to make his shots pack a slightly bigger punch, and pelted him with bolts on the other two. No real trouble.

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    It’s time to DUEL. Squall’s sword is pretty hefty, but Rufus brought some sort of panther dog and a shotgun, which seem a bit more reasonable. The dog casts barrier on Rufus and itself, so it has to be taken out quickly. Unfortunately it got off a physical barrier on itself and Rufus before I killed it. I just set him on fire for the rest of the fight which wasn’t any trouble.

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    He reminds me of an inverted Neo. It was immensely tempting to shop out the chopper, but I told myself I wouldn’t shop any photos apart from George.

    Time for us to finally get the fuck out of here.

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    Who’s the spiky haired dick that dresses up like all the chicks?

    (Squall!)

    Ya damn right.

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    Well that just screams getaway vehicle, doesn’t it?

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    Squeeeeeeeeeee

    Bwazooom!

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    Bike section + keyboard for controller = Rage.

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    MOTOR BALL! Once again, a boss weak to lightning. Shit’s getting old. Also no trouble.

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    The team decides that in order to save the planet we must find Sephiroth so he can’t get to the probably nonexistent Promised Land first. Since Mary is apparently vital to this for reasons still unexplained, they can’t just ditch her, so the day that started off shitty then got awesome completed the 360 to get back to shitty again.

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘GOD DAMN IT. I WANT TO SMACK YOU SO HARD.’

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    Loaf is swearing because he didn’t get to be leader. He should be happy. Leading this retard rodeo is not something I’d be proud of.

    Next time on Final Fantasy VII: A really long and boring story! Hooray!

    Adus on
  • SlayerVinSlayerVin Registered User
    edited January 2009
    Incredible. When I read the part about semi-colons in names (seriously... what the fuck?), I burst out laughing at work. I desperately tried to stop myself from looking like a cackling lunatic. It didn't work. Bravo, sir.

    SlayerVin on
    BE ATTITUDE FOR GAINS!
  • cj iwakuracj iwakura The Rhythm Regent Chantry of NightmaresRegistered User regular
    edited January 2009
    You left out what's arguably Rufus' best line in the game. :P
    What a crew.

    Great update though.

    cj iwakura on
    qiPckwJ.png
    赤い月 赤い月 罪を 犯した 者共の 穢れを 清める | Kill The Past
  • MinionOfCthulhuMinionOfCthulhu Registered User regular
    edited January 2009
    The roll call and the achievement had me in stitches. Yaydus!

    MinionOfCthulhu on
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  • Dr SnofeldDr Snofeld Registered User
    edited January 2009
    The roll call and the achievement had me in stitches. Yaydus!

    Yeah, I completely lost it at Crow.

    Dr Snofeld on
    l4d_sig.png
  • ShujaaShujaa Registered User
    edited February 2009
    This stuff had me cracking up at work :)

    Shujaa on
    Balefuego wrote: »
    When I play FPS games I just assume my dude is inside a tiny plane and he's sticking his arm out the window with a gun.
  • UnbreakableVowUnbreakableVow Here comes a new challenger! Winky face ;)Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    The bit in part 6 was fantastic, Reno checking his watch and proclaiming that he has to catch Gilmore Girls.

    UnbreakableVow on
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    PSN: UnbreakableVow | Wii U: UnbreakableVow3D | 3DS: 4914-5955-2557 | SFV: UnbreakableVow
  • Vincent GraysonVincent Grayson Frederick, MDRegistered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I wish someone would do one of these for every FF game. The one for FF8 from some time back was awesome, and this one is fucking hilarious.

    Vincent Grayson on
  • ShujaaShujaa Registered User
    edited February 2009
    I wish someone would do one of these for every FF game. The one for FF8 from some time back was awesome, and this one is fucking hilarious.

    Do you have a link? I would love to read it.

    Shujaa on
    Balefuego wrote: »
    When I play FPS games I just assume my dude is inside a tiny plane and he's sticking his arm out the window with a gun.
  • Vincent GraysonVincent Grayson Frederick, MDRegistered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Shujaa wrote: »
    I wish someone would do one of these for every FF game. The one for FF8 from some time back was awesome, and this one is fucking hilarious.

    Do you have a link? I would love to read it.

    Here: http://lparchive.org/LetsPlay/FF8/

    Vincent Grayson on
  • AdusAdus Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    That one was probably my main inspiration. If mine is considered even half as funny, I'll be quite satisfied.

    Man, Cloud's story is such a boring part of the game when you're replaying. I dunno how I should format it since it's also important to the storyline.

    Adus on
  • HtR-LaserHtR-Laser Registered User
    edited February 2009
    Man, I'm replaying this now, too. Can't believe Aeris' character hasn't been so obviously grating to me before. She's like Fallout 3's Moira, except it's not a joke.

    HtR-Laser on
  • OcculusOcculus Registered User
    edited February 2009
    HtR-Laser wrote: »
    She's like Fallout 3's Moira, except it's not a joke.

    Occulus on
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  • BlitzAce1981BlitzAce1981 Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    HtR-Laser wrote: »
    Man, I'm replaying this now, too. Can't believe Aeris' character hasn't been so obviously grating to me before. She's like Fallout 3's Moira, except it's not a joke.

    Except you can't blow her up with a nu-... wait a sec...

    *sticks Elemental-Fire on Cloud and Tifa, uses Enemy Skill Beta*

    BlitzAce1981 on
    PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
  • WilDPanthA05WilDPanthA05 Registered User
    edited February 2009
    This is made of win. My lord I haven't laughed this hard in forevers or some such ...

    WilDPanthA05 on
  • a penguina penguin Registered User
    edited February 2009
    Yes, this is indeed the best thing ever. I think I pee'd a little at the roll call. President Constanza was also gold.

    a penguin on
    This space eventually to be filled with excitement
  • SkutSkutSkutSkut Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I to enjoy this LP, and hey, you got out of Midgar!

    SkutSkut on
  • Dr SnofeldDr Snofeld Registered User
    edited February 2009
    You're covering more per update than I thought.

    Dr Snofeld on
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  • BlitzAce1981BlitzAce1981 Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Well, I loaded up the old save I mentioned here:
    That reminds me... in one of my old saves, I was farming the Gelnika for sources, and I think I came across a gltich in my materia setup. I believe it was using Pre-Emptive materia linked with a mastered Steal, combined with a Mega All, which on occasion resulted in the Slash All animation (Only with Mug, obviously) causing an attack that didn't bring up any damage figures, but killed instantly... and I'm not even talking Death status attacks - I think this had more in common with the glitched damage you can get Barret and Vincent to do with their ultimate weapons...

    The actual materia combination that seems to be causing the glitch is a mastered Steal linked with Sneak Attack. I'm not sure whether or not Mega All has any effect, but what happens is that some of the time you'll get bog-standard Steal, some of the time you'll get Mug, some of the time you'll get one after the other... and then occasionally, one of these will be swapped with the Steal animation, with some relatively normal amount of damage... after which the battle ends, as if the enemy died. Just tried this on a Serpent, which I believe has somewhere over 10,000 HP; first Vincent used Steal, followed immediately by the 'fake' Steal which did around 4,000 damage. The battle ended straight afterwards. If anyone else has the same materia, give it a try and see what happens.

    ...Huh... just before I hit 'Submit', I get the glitch hit happen again... only it didn't end the battle. Now I wonder if it has more to do with Vincent's attack power when using Death Penalty... but it's still weird... one other thing to note about the 'fake' Steal is that it has no camera cut.

    ...OH. I'm still checking it out whilst preparing to submit this post, and I've spotted something - Yuffie has mastered Sneak Attack linked with Morph. Yuffie has Conformer. Yuffie also has enough power to do 9999 damage with Morph, and she also follows on from Vincent in the Sneak Attack chain. Just fought the Unknown with the least HP, and Vincent does his glitch hit again. However, while going through the victory animations, battle messages are still coming up... namely, "Yuffie is cought by surprise" (complete with typo), followed by "Changed into Power Source". Looks like Yuffie's Sneak Attack, while not shown, does take place after the glitch hit, so it's more to do with the game skipping the animations for the next Sneak Attack after the 'fake' Steal. It also explains why the other battle didn't end - Yuffie didn't Sneak Attack, and even if she did, the enemy would still have ~700 HP left.

    BlitzAce1981 on
    PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
  • Ninja Snarl PNinja Snarl P My helmet is my burden. Ninja Snarl: Gone, but not forgotten.Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Making good time with these updates. Just don't be disheartened by the fact that you've done seven updates already but are only a few hours into the game. Or that there are hundreds and hundreds of screenshots left to take. Skipping screenshots for extended dialogues in favor of just having text is a great idea. That alone should cut out huge amounts of tedious work for you.

    Nice job on this LP. I laughed pretty hard at the Crow cameo and the Planet achievement was great. Doing stuff like that should help keep things lively without having to wrack your brain too hard to make witty comments about awful writing or dialogue.

    I'd say you're well on your way to making a killer Let's Play. That FF8 one was good, but you've barely started on FF7 and you've got some real gems already. Keep up the great work!

    Ninja Snarl P on
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  • AdusAdus Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    I'm not disheartened. Cloud's Story is just so slow. There were numerous playthroughs where I just stopped at it because I stopped caring by that point. One of the reasons I chose to make this playthrough an LP was that so I had more motivation to get through parts like that. My decision to make this accessible to people who don't know the story may have turned this into more work than necessary, since if I just took screenshots of all the funny or weird moments, I could be mostly done with disc 1 by now, but there are still people who haven't played it and I'd like them to understand what's going on if possible.

    I will, however, probably get lazy as time goes on and just spoiler box more dialogue. I'll also probably avoid including shots of anything unnecessary like sidequests unless they're particularly amusing.

    I also don't really wrack my brain too hard to write anything. I basically just write the first thing I think of. If I spend more than 60 seconds looking at a shot and literally can't think of anything I scrap it or write explanation dialogue if it was important.

    Since it was hard for me to sit through Squall's Story in one sitting and I got more shots than I wanted for even half of it, here's a half-update.

    Part 8-1: No Sephiroth, You Are The Demons

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Listen, just because you’re a talking animal doesn’t mean I won’t slap you around for stating the obvious.’

    Nonetheless, he is right. We’re in Kalm. Nice little town. It’s so… what’s the word? Peaceful? Serene? Tranquil? Ah fuck it.

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    But before we head on, Squall takes a moment to cut some little girls in pigtails down to size.

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘*Gasp* They didn’t forget my birthday after all! I hope they remembered the strippers…’

    38981542.jpg

    cloudhead.jpg ‘Squall’s World... Squall’s World… Party time! Excelle-

    …What the fuck, it’s just you losers? Where are my actual friends like Tseng, Marlene and Idiot Bowling Savant?’

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    cloudhead.jpgI have to entertain you? Worst. Party. Ever. Fine, I’ll tell you guys a story. You know Moby Dick right? The great white whale? Well this story is called Sephiroth Dick, the Great White jerkoff.’

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Once upon a time, Sephiroth was a dick. The end…

    …Fine fine, I’ll keep going.’

    This is Squall’s Story. Such a long and boring section if you’ve already seen it. Nonetheless, let’s see what it holds. It’s 5 years ago, and Squall is only 16. Despite this, he’s a First Class SOLDIER and on a mission with Sephiroth.

    93038695.jpg

    sephirothhead.jpg ‘I told you to sit down and shut up until we passed the border, and remember if anyone asks, these crates are full of flour. For baking.’

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Bro, that’s wack.’

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    sephirothhead.jpg ‘I told you already, if it’s another hobo, just keep fucking driving.’

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    Whoops, not a hobo. Just a DRAGON. Take note at Squall’s stats. For a First Class SOLDIER, he’s basically as dangerous as a toddler with Downs and a wiffle bat.

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    Sephiroth, on the other hand, may as well be Jesus with a sword.

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    The reactor is located in the mountains of Mt. Nibel. Nibelheim the town is Squall and Lockheart’s hometown. Hoo boy, this could be awkward.

    815h.jpg
    816p.jpg
    817c.jpg
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    sephirothhead.jpg ‘Ah man, he had this great joke, cracks me up every time. Okay, so… A Cetra walks into a bar… “Ow! The Planet didn’t tell me that was coming!” She says.. Hahah, because she walked into a bar, get it? Oh man… good times…’

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    Ding ding ding. We have a winner.

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    Yeah Loaf, what the fuck? How dare you make important plot connections before the player? How can we continue to make you look like a retard in that case?

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    Back in the story, Squall tells us how he took a quick stop in Lockheart’s house. Check this out. The common explanation is that this is a special bra for the… generously chested. Therefore that makes this a canonical explanation as to why she doesn’t have back problems carrying around those massive melons! If only the game could fill up other plot holes that cleverly.

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Open your eyes… look up to the skies and seeee… I’m just a poor boy… I need no sympathyyy…’

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    At the inn, we meet Zangan. Lockheart’s martial arts instructor. He’s wearing a fucking cape. I don’t trust men in capes.

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    The next day we’re ready to head off into the mountains. Apparently we need a guide because no one in Shinra’s special forces knows how to get to their own fucking reactors.

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    Indeed. A 16 year old girl guiding a bunch of soldiers into dark, monster infested mountains. This is like the beginning to a bad Sci-Fi channel movie or a really weird porno.

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Ohmygod I blinked. Do it again. :(

    Lockheart’s dad is on the bottom being all worried about his little girl going off with strange men. Sephiroth’s like ‘Dude, trust me.’

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    Haha. Whoops. Mr. Super SOLDIER Sephiroth is quickly bested by a shoddy bridge.

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    sephirothhead.jpg ‘If anyone asks, I fucked that bridge up for talking shit to me.’

    They lost a soldier but Sephiroth pretty much says ‘screw him.'

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Haha, look at the little bugs. What a joke.’

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘SWEET ZOMBIE JEEBUS, IT’S RAPING MY FACE. GET IT OFF.’

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    Squall got one-shotted by a gigantic grasshopper. Meanwhile, Sephiroth calls upon the power of mediocre FPS sequels to destroy his enemies.

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    Fwoom!

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    This is how most battles ended.

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    This is the pure shit right here.

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    A question I am genuinely curious about!

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    Uh huh…

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    That’s fucking it? The explanation is it’s… magic magic? Magic is a weird fucking word, by the way. Just thinking about it for like 10 seconds got me all confused.

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘It’s like… super mysterious… dude, this fountain is makin’ me feel funny…’

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Dude… Sephiroth… heh heh, you’re crazy, dude.

    You’re just… Man, who's this man you're talking about, man...?

    Heey Look, Lockheart totally passed out already… hahah… can’t take the juice…’

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Ha.. Hojo is a gay name… He-- FUCK MAN, DID YOU SEE THAT BEE? HOLY FUCK.’

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    Soldier Dude: ‘Fuck yeah, I will.’

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    Hey, that’s Sephiroth’s mom’s name. Oh well, must be like “Jane” on that planet.

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    Hmm, time for long plot dialogue…

    Sephiroth
    "Now, what does Mako energy become when it's further condensed?"

    Squall
    "Uh, umm...... Oh yeah! It becomes a Materia."

    Sephiroth
    "Right, normally. But Hojo put something else in there. ...Take
    a look."
    "Look through the window."


    846r.jpg

    cloudhead.jpg ‘Dude, sick dreads.’
    Squall
    "Wh... what is this!?"

    Sephiroth
    "Normal members of SOLDIER are humans that have been showered
    with Mako."
    "You're different from the others, but still human."
    "But what are they? They've been exposed to a high degree of
    Mako, far more than you."

    (Squall gets to his feet.)

    Squall
    "...Is this some kind of monster?"

    Sephiroth
    "Exactly. And it's Hojo if Shinra that produced these monsters."
    "Mutated living organisms produced by Mako energy. That's what
    these monsters really are."

    Squall
    "Normal members of SOLDIER? You mean you're different?"

    (Sephiroth clutches his head, trembling.)

    Squall
    "H... hey, Sephiroth!"

    (He puts out his hand.)

    Sephiroth
    "N... no...."

    (Sephiroth stops trembling.)

    Sephiroth
    "...Was I?"

    (He draws his sword and begins furiously attacking the pods. Squall jumps
    away.)

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    cloudhead.jpg ‘Sephy, chill. How bout we go back to town and get a soda pop? Would you like a soda pop?’
    (He slashes at the first pod.)

    Sephiroth
    "Am I the same as all these monsters....."

    (Squall interrupts.)

    Squall
    "...Sephiroth."

    (Sephiroth just continues attacking the pod with his sword... then after
    a long moment, he stops, his shoulders heaving.)

    Sephiroth
    "You saw it! All of them.... were humans...."

    Squall
    "Human!? No way!"

    (Sephiroth stops and turns towards Squall, his sword still drawn.)

    Sephiroth
    "....I've always felt since I was small..."
    "That I was different from the others. Special, in some way."
    "But... not like this...."

    (He looks down, shaking his head. Suddenly, there is a loud noise and he
    jerks his head up. FMV sequence. One of the pods explodes with a hiss of
    steam. The front half falls foward, revealing another monster, like the
    one Squall saw. It lies there on the overturned dome of metal, not
    fully formed, twitching..... repulsive. The screen fades to black.)

    Am I... human?
    I didn't quite understand what Sephiroth was saying at that time.
    I was even more surprised by that fact that Shinra was producing
    monsters.

    (The scene changes back to the inn at Kalm.)

    Loaf
    "Damn, Shinra! the more I hear, the more I hate 'em!"

    Lockheart
    "......who would have ever thought the Mako Reactor held a secret
    like that."

    FIRE DOG
    "That would seem to explain the increase in the number of
    monsters recently."
    "I think we should listen carefully to Squall. Don't you think so
    Loaf?"

    Loaf
    "(Why you talkin' to me!?)"

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    Yes, please god.

    Adus on
  • UnbreakableVowUnbreakableVow Here comes a new challenger! Winky face ;)Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Hahahaha

    The bit about the joke is great, I've always wondered why he just sits there and does the laughing animation for like a minute.

    UnbreakableVow on
    cpam2mz.jpg?2
    PSN: UnbreakableVow | Wii U: UnbreakableVow3D | 3DS: 4914-5955-2557 | SFV: UnbreakableVow
  • SkutSkutSkutSkut Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    Sephiroth probably misses his old glasses.

    SkutSkut on
  • BlitzAce1981BlitzAce1981 Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    SkutSkut wrote: »
    Sephiroth probably misses his old glasses.

    That, or he was recalling the time Genesis replaced Angeal's Fire materia for a marble, then laughed as Angeal wondered why he had no elemental defence against that dragon...

    BlitzAce1981 on
    PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
  • Cameron_TalleyCameron_Talley Registered User regular
    edited February 2009
    +1 for Queen reference!

    Cameron_Talley on
    3DS code: 0404-6826-4588 PM if you add.
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