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[Let's Play] Final Fantasy VII! A Tale of Revenge, Redemption, and Ridiculosity
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Welcome to the world on this side.
As someone who has never played the game before: So far the story reminds me of FFVI. A Lot. Just replace "Ancients" with Espers. Pretty much the same.
Wii Code: 2238-5196-8768-3730
Final Fantasy III Code: 2793-2219-0130
Star Fox DS Code: 404-388-375-490
PM me if you add any of these.
I second this one.
As for Red XIII, I'm gonna throw out a couple of suggestions; Simba, Fido, Nanaki, Angelo, Django, Wang. The last one's purely because he says "call me what you want."
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 XBL - BlitzAce1981
Amarant
Or maybe a name that reflects the fact that Hojo wanted Red XIII and Aeris to fuck. Sue Fucker? Stud Dog? I don't know.
Loverboy.
Stallion.
And for random and weird:
The DAWG.
Also, Yes to this thread.
Clifford isn't bad either.
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
One of her primary purposes seems to be a trap for Cloud. Cloud is, of course, living Zack's life to an extent, and Aerith was Zack's true love. That Cloud seemed to have feelings for her (though I'm not really sure how deep they go) seems to me more a sign of the influence of Zack's memories, than true love. If anything, she had to die for him to really regain himself.
I actually find the Kingdom Hearts Aerith to be much more likeable. She was mature and thoughtful, and just all around much better a character.
Part 7 - Elevators from Hell
We’re about to find out this is a goddamned lie in like… 5 minutes.
Where the hell was this option in Wall Market...?
Loaf was actually the one who suggested charging in, and this is how he greets them. I think this qualifies him for Badass of the Month.
After kicking some Shinra guard ass, we get to the elevator, alarms sound and the thing flips out. We have to keep stopping it to fight more guards and make the occasional man in a suit and tie shit his pants. You’d think in an emergency situation, the elevator would just cease to work, or that they might lock it down. But no. Because…
The security guard is… asleep. I guess I have to give the game credit for actually explaining why the security sucks, but it only makes Shinra, the evil megacorp, seem even more retarded than before.
We arrive at floor 59 where we simply cut up some guards and steal the keycard to the supposedly mysterious floor 60. Here you play a sort of stealth avoid-the-guard mini game which makes no sense since we just killed a bunch of guards that looked exactly the same. Floor 61 appears to be a sort of lounge area where I’m literally just given the key for floor 62 because a guy thinks I’m the repairman. Yes, really.
Then there’s this chick…
Don’t answer that.’
I am shocked. This news is shocking.
Anyways, he gives me a little game to play with the library books in order to get the keycard. He does this because he hates Shinra, so I guess he thinks letting group of clowns up one level is really sticking it to the man.
I guess when all you do on the job is jack off you gotta make sure it lasts.
On the next level we’re able to climb an air vent in the bathroom to sneak a peak at the Shinra board meeting.
Ah Hojo. Stereotypical mad scientist. He seems to be fascinated with Mary, but unless finding new, mutated forms of STDs is like his version of Disneyworld, he’s probably going to be disappointed.
Well, maybe. She may be a flower girl but she doesn’t smell like roses if ya know what I mean.
The Mod Squad follows Mojo Jojo and discusses him a bit. For being a former First Class SOLDIER!! Squall doesn’t seem to know shit about Shinra’s inner workings… A bit curious, don’t you think?
Squall proves he's a regular Solid Snake. If Snake had bright blonde hair and was retarded.
Hojo associate: ‘By the way, Sir. Your cactus over there is turning a bit yellow.’
After playing with his doggie for a bit, Hojo leaves. Squall proceeds to takes a gander in that suspicious glowing bubble.
What the flipping hellwaffles is this?
Yeah, let’s not even bother to discuss what the hell that is. We have to save some stupid whore. Glad we have our priorities straight.
As we arrive, we discover Hojo observing Mary in a tube of some sort.
He also seems to be confusing “helping” with “beast rape.” He apparently wants to mate Mary and this dog. For reals. Can’t deny his logic. The potential offspring would be Two! Two endangered specimens in one!
Loaf once again takes the initiative.
Sacked, bitch.
As tempting as naughty names are in situations like this… He is a dog that is ON FIRE. This is awesome enough to where it needs to be said often. This amuses me since I imagine them shouting it every time. Why oh why isn’t there an exclamation point? They have a freaking semicolon but not an exclamation point. Who the fuck has a semicolon in their name?
The specimen elevator begins to move again, and we’re greeted by something even stranger than talking animals. Lockheart is ordered to take care of Mary because this is a job for the men… and FIRE DOG.
This boss is called uh… HO512. The little Metroids there get revived after a bit if you kill them so you pretty much just have to wail on the main thing with attacks and fire magic. Not too difficult.
Someone inquires about just what FIRE DOG is.
We’re done here. Let’s split.
We’re shackled and taken to President Costanza who tries to explain why they want Mary.
Costanza: ‘The Promised Land must be the body of this hottie.’
Basically, he thinks Mary can lead him to the Promised Land where there are immense amounts of Mako. They’ll build a new Midgar on top and they’ll never have to worry about oil… er Mako shortage again. Course, this’ll fuck up the planet but who cares about that, right? Eh, Squall?
So we get sent to the cells.
What can I say? She’s skilled at her job.
…Save it for when there’s the possibility of torn clothing.’
Probably just cries because it can’t cut itself and end its pathetic life of being infested by morons.
Loaf in the next cell has a pretty decent summary of what’s going on so far.
After that they decide to just get some sleep. Squall doesn’t take advantage of his shared cell with Hot Tits and the Planet cries more. When they wake, however, the doors are suspiciously open, and the guard is messed all sorts of up.
No! This was supposed to be the Summer of George!
Le gasp!
Time for ROLL CALL!
Squall!
Loaf!
Lockheart!
Slum Whore!
FIRE DOG!!!
CROOOOOOW!
Rufus begins to tell us his plans for world domination in a very Bond Villanesque way.
I always thought that was a pretty cool quote, actually. Anyways, Squall tells everyone to get out while he deals with the king of Late Night.
This is now the third time since we got here that getting on an elevator has caused us problems. Next time we use the damn stairs… This is Hundred Gunner. He’s a bit annoying because you can only hit him with range, so Mary and FIRE DOG can only use magic. I socketed Loaf’s weapon with Elemental and Lightning materia to make his shots pack a slightly bigger punch, and pelted him with bolts on the other two. No real trouble.
It’s time to DUEL. Squall’s sword is pretty hefty, but Rufus brought some sort of panther dog and a shotgun, which seem a bit more reasonable. The dog casts barrier on Rufus and itself, so it has to be taken out quickly. Unfortunately it got off a physical barrier on itself and Rufus before I killed it. I just set him on fire for the rest of the fight which wasn’t any trouble.
He reminds me of an inverted Neo. It was immensely tempting to shop out the chopper, but I told myself I wouldn’t shop any photos apart from George.
Time for us to finally get the fuck out of here.
Who’s the spiky haired dick that dresses up like all the chicks?
(Squall!)
Ya damn right.
Well that just screams getaway vehicle, doesn’t it?
Squeeeeeeeeeee
Bwazooom!
Bike section + keyboard for controller = Rage.
MOTOR BALL! Once again, a boss weak to lightning. Shit’s getting old. Also no trouble.
The team decides that in order to save the planet we must find Sephiroth so he can’t get to the probably nonexistent Promised Land first. Since Mary is apparently vital to this for reasons still unexplained, they can’t just ditch her, so the day that started off shitty then got awesome completed the 360 to get back to shitty again.
Loaf is swearing because he didn’t get to be leader. He should be happy. Leading this retard rodeo is not something I’d be proud of.
Next time on Final Fantasy VII: A really long and boring story! Hooray!
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
Great update though.
Welcome to the world on this side.
Yeah, I completely lost it at Crow.
Xbox: UnbreakableVows | PSN/Wii U: UnbreakableVow | 3DS: 1521-3241-9354
Do you have a link? I would love to read it.
Here: http://lparchive.org/LetsPlay/FF8/
Man, Cloud's story is such a boring part of the game when you're replaying. I dunno how I should format it since it's also important to the storyline.
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
Except you can't blow her up with a nu-... wait a sec...
*sticks Elemental-Fire on Cloud and Tifa, uses Enemy Skill Beta*
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 XBL - BlitzAce1981
The actual materia combination that seems to be causing the glitch is a mastered Steal linked with Sneak Attack. I'm not sure whether or not Mega All has any effect, but what happens is that some of the time you'll get bog-standard Steal, some of the time you'll get Mug, some of the time you'll get one after the other... and then occasionally, one of these will be swapped with the Steal animation, with some relatively normal amount of damage... after which the battle ends, as if the enemy died. Just tried this on a Serpent, which I believe has somewhere over 10,000 HP; first Vincent used Steal, followed immediately by the 'fake' Steal which did around 4,000 damage. The battle ended straight afterwards. If anyone else has the same materia, give it a try and see what happens.
...Huh... just before I hit 'Submit', I get the glitch hit happen again... only it didn't end the battle. Now I wonder if it has more to do with Vincent's attack power when using Death Penalty... but it's still weird... one other thing to note about the 'fake' Steal is that it has no camera cut.
...OH. I'm still checking it out whilst preparing to submit this post, and I've spotted something - Yuffie has mastered Sneak Attack linked with Morph. Yuffie has Conformer. Yuffie also has enough power to do 9999 damage with Morph, and she also follows on from Vincent in the Sneak Attack chain. Just fought the Unknown with the least HP, and Vincent does his glitch hit again. However, while going through the victory animations, battle messages are still coming up... namely, "Yuffie is cought by surprise" (complete with typo), followed by "Changed into Power Source". Looks like Yuffie's Sneak Attack, while not shown, does take place after the glitch hit, so it's more to do with the game skipping the animations for the next Sneak Attack after the 'fake' Steal. It also explains why the other battle didn't end - Yuffie didn't Sneak Attack, and even if she did, the enemy would still have ~700 HP left.
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 XBL - BlitzAce1981
Nice job on this LP. I laughed pretty hard at the Crow cameo and the Planet achievement was great. Doing stuff like that should help keep things lively without having to wrack your brain too hard to make witty comments about awful writing or dialogue.
I'd say you're well on your way to making a killer Let's Play. That FF8 one was good, but you've barely started on FF7 and you've got some real gems already. Keep up the great work!
I will, however, probably get lazy as time goes on and just spoiler box more dialogue. I'll also probably avoid including shots of anything unnecessary like sidequests unless they're particularly amusing.
I also don't really wrack my brain too hard to write anything. I basically just write the first thing I think of. If I spend more than 60 seconds looking at a shot and literally can't think of anything I scrap it or write explanation dialogue if it was important.
Since it was hard for me to sit through Squall's Story in one sitting and I got more shots than I wanted for even half of it, here's a half-update.
Part 8-1: No Sephiroth, You Are The Demons
Nonetheless, he is right. We’re in Kalm. Nice little town. It’s so… what’s the word? Peaceful? Serene? Tranquil? Ah fuck it.
But before we head on, Squall takes a moment to cut some little girls in pigtails down to size.
…What the fuck, it’s just you losers? Where are my actual friends like Tseng, Marlene and Idiot Bowling Savant?’
…Fine fine, I’ll keep going.’
This is Squall’s Story. Such a long and boring section if you’ve already seen it. Nonetheless, let’s see what it holds. It’s 5 years ago, and Squall is only 16. Despite this, he’s a First Class SOLDIER and on a mission with Sephiroth.
Whoops, not a hobo. Just a DRAGON. Take note at Squall’s stats. For a First Class SOLDIER, he’s basically as dangerous as a toddler with Downs and a wiffle bat.
Sephiroth, on the other hand, may as well be Jesus with a sword.
The reactor is located in the mountains of Mt. Nibel. Nibelheim the town is Squall and Lockheart’s hometown. Hoo boy, this could be awkward.
Ding ding ding. We have a winner.
Yeah Loaf, what the fuck? How dare you make important plot connections before the player? How can we continue to make you look like a retard in that case?
Back in the story, Squall tells us how he took a quick stop in Lockheart’s house. Check this out. The common explanation is that this is a special bra for the… generously chested. Therefore that makes this a canonical explanation as to why she doesn’t have back problems carrying around those massive melons! If only the game could fill up other plot holes that cleverly.
At the inn, we meet Zangan. Lockheart’s martial arts instructor. He’s wearing a fucking cape. I don’t trust men in capes.
The next day we’re ready to head off into the mountains. Apparently we need a guide because no one in Shinra’s special forces knows how to get to their own fucking reactors.
Indeed. A 16 year old girl guiding a bunch of soldiers into dark, monster infested mountains. This is like the beginning to a bad Sci-Fi channel movie or a really weird porno.
Lockheart’s dad is on the bottom being all worried about his little girl going off with strange men. Sephiroth’s like ‘Dude, trust me.’
Haha. Whoops. Mr. Super SOLDIER Sephiroth is quickly bested by a shoddy bridge.
They lost a soldier but Sephiroth pretty much says ‘screw him.'
Squall got one-shotted by a gigantic grasshopper. Meanwhile, Sephiroth calls upon the power of mediocre FPS sequels to destroy his enemies.
Fwoom!
This is how most battles ended.
This is the pure shit right here.
A question I am genuinely curious about!
Uh huh…
That’s fucking it? The explanation is it’s… magic magic? Magic is a weird fucking word, by the way. Just thinking about it for like 10 seconds got me all confused.
You’re just… Man, who's this man you're talking about, man...?
Heey Look, Lockheart totally passed out already… hahah… can’t take the juice…’
Soldier Dude: ‘Fuck yeah, I will.’
Hey, that’s Sephiroth’s mom’s name. Oh well, must be like “Jane” on that planet.
Hmm, time for long plot dialogue…
Yes, please god.
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
The bit about the joke is great, I've always wondered why he just sits there and does the laughing animation for like a minute.
Xbox: UnbreakableVows | PSN/Wii U: UnbreakableVow | 3DS: 1521-3241-9354
That, or he was recalling the time Genesis replaced Angeal's Fire materia for a marble, then laughed as Angeal wondered why he had no elemental defence against that dragon...
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 XBL - BlitzAce1981
Wii Code: 2238-5196-8768-3730
Final Fantasy III Code: 2793-2219-0130
Star Fox DS Code: 404-388-375-490
PM me if you add any of these.