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[Let's Play] Final Fantasy VII! A Tale of Revenge, Redemption, and Ridiculosity
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Behance Portfolio I Amazonian I PSN- Subtle_Ties | 3DS: 3840-5210-2008 (Subtle)
Part 24: Flight of the Condors
We arrive at the Corel reactor in time to murder a couple of soldiers minding their own business and watch a train leave. Hey… that had Huge Materia on it. Shit! What are we gonna do now?
Oh, we just steal our own train. How convenient of them to leave one for us. The timer begins as this is apparently how long we have before the train reaches Corel. Banana then proves he must be some sort of goddamn superhero because not only did he chase after an airplane on foot, he now makes this 50 foot jump like it was nothing.
Hopping across the cars, we fight various enemies until we come to what appears to be the White Ranger’s Falconzord. It’s easily dispatched with a few Bolt 3’s.
At the very end, we make the brilliant move of killing the guy driving the train. Banana isn’t quite sure how to slow it down. So glad we decided to think before acting. At least Jailbait has her priorities straight.
It should? How do you know? Is this really how trains work? Nonetheless, this “game” is ridiculous. For some reason I couldn’t get the controls working right on my keyboard, so I pretty much just flailed on the keys like an idiot. Spoiler: I still won.
No matter what I do, the train just keeps speeding up. Despite this, at the very last second, Banana ducks and hits down on both the levers.
And the train eases to a stop. Hooray, we saved… uh, what did we save exactly?
Oh, these fuckers. It seems as if the whole intent here was to stop the train from plowing through the village. They all act like Shinra are monsters for considering this, but I think maybe next time you shouldn’t build your village on fucking train tracks, morons.
So we successfully retrieved the Huge Materia despite my principles telling me not to. The player in me knows what they’re used for later (not a whole lot).
With people like this, I’m beginning to think that I’m collecting the Huge Materia because I want Shinra to fail and for this planet to die.
Fuck off. I don’t want something from some stupi-
Sweet Jesus! This kid just casually handed me the strongest magic materia in the world. First one from a goddamn chicken, now this? Where’s all this conveniently strong materia before?
Alright, I guess that made all this marginally productive. Next we’re off to Fort Condor.
You’ll see in a few moments what he’s talking about, but this Fort Condor place is pretty weird. It’s built on top of a really unrealistic geographic terrain.
For some reason this includes a reactor. Another example of Shinra just building reactors wherever the fuck they feel like. Oh, and also a big condor. I uh… yep.
Thanks for the info. Can we have it, please?
Is that really their plan? I think Shinra would probably just leave if you gave them the Huge Materia. No reason to be so overdramatic…
Okay, let them? Shit, I don’t get you people at all.
And we would like you to fuck off and die. I’m not paying to help you. That is retarded.
There’s the top of the reactor with the condor. It looks like a statue but apparently it’s alive.
The object of this minigame is to buy units and place them on the field. It has sort of a Wacraft Tower Defense thing going on. I probably should have done it just to show you, but honestly I was just way too lazy. The event is 100x faster if you do nothing and let the enemies get to the top. I like to imagine the observing man’s face in total despair as he watches me scratch my ass and do absolutely nothing to stop the incoming onslaught.
As soon as one enemy reaches the top, you just fight a boss battle with Grand Horn. An easy as shit boss battle. An easy as shit boss battle that you don’t even get a game over for even if you DO lose. So basically the easiest event in the entire game. Obviously I kill it, nonetheless, and you win the whole event without even having done the defense portion.
Then suddenly…
Ooo, pretty.
Holy hellmuffins!
Well this seems… unfortunate. All our “work” to protect the condor and that weird egg it was protecting explodes and kills it anyway…
Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
Please tell me you just handed me your abnormal, fused rock collection…
Because we are Teh Heroz! Or some bullshit like that…
Yeah!...
I don’t know… Is it?
You guys didn’t hear any of that because it wasn’t said. I didn’t say anything.’
Yeah gee, that’s a real bummer. Hey, what’s up with that eye exam back there? How do you even take that? Uh, first line… backwards C. E. C that is turned… upward. Second line… A in a green box… C turned downward in a red box… Just a normal C in a yellow box… Ridiculous. (I've since been informed that it's a standard Japanese eye exam. Damn crazy Japanese.)
Oh, the Airship? Well, I made that because it is the essence of manliness. A woman wouldn’t understand.’
Suddenly, the ground begins to quake.
To take me away, ha ha!
For some reason I got really bad screenshots of him, but here we are facing Ultimate Weapon. Though he’s hardly Ultimate at all. While he does do some attacks like Quake that aren’t exactly weak, he’s more bark than bite. Regardless, this is a fight you don’t win in a normal sense because after a certain amount of damage, he flies off and you get no experience or AP. Pussy.
Banana actually tells the others to take care of themselves first. Maybe he is cut out to be our leader.
Okay, we’re ready to roll out!
Woah god! Oh well. Good riddance Dr. Idiot.
Sploosh!
Cue Blue Danube.
Lockheart awakens in a black void.
Some trippy noises are heard in the background, including the cries of the planet which we heard at Bugenhagen’s observatory.
We progress to a bunch of random lines by Lockheart. Answering questions that you never saw asked to begin with.
Special guest director Hidaeki Anno (of Neon Genesis Evangelion fame) says it just isn’t a complete story without a mind fuck!
Is your mind fucked yet? No?! Well… We’ll see what we can do about that!
Try and analyze this!
Hooookay… What?
Squall’s subconscious… How the hell do you just end up in someone else’s mind? I sort of fear what we may find here. Thoughts of Jailbait doing things that are illegal in all… uh, well… everywhere.
I dunno… That depends on what the real Squall is like. The one we had was kinda growing on me.
Anyhow, we’ve arrived at a major point in the game for storyline exposition. It’s also pretty long, boring and wordy much like Squall’s story early on if you know what it’s all about. Honestly, I have no idea how I’m going to summarize it, or make it entertaining at all, but I’ll try.
Next time on Final Fantasy VII:
Time to descend…
Into the thoughts of our hero…
What lurks in that troubled mind…?
What are the true desires that are hidden deep in those glowing eyes…?
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
Not that any of them knew it would, though, so Barret's still a moron who may as well just go around shouting "I'm Barret fucking Wallace of AVALANCHE. Don't believe ShinRa's lies!"
EDIT - Fuck, wasn't expecting you to carry on past the Ultimate WEAPON fight... since it means the following tip will be completely useless to you now; Elemental materia linked with something with no element (not all of them work, but stuff like HP Plus and MP Plus do for certain), shove them in your armor, then laugh at how ineffective Ultima Beam is...
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 XBL - BlitzAce1981
But to be honest, it still wouldn't have helped me for that particular battle because he never even used Ultima Beam on me. He got one Quake 2 off before flying away. I honestly think I'm leveled up enough to beat the game already.
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
Or at least, I thought it was... what, five years ago?
Welcome to the world on this side.
It is until you're OCD and keep going back to try to win every single one of those through the course of the game.
I don't recommend that.
Really? I never had a problem with it as a kid. In fact, after every single story event I would head all the way back to Condor and see if there was a new battle yet.
Also amongst all the "?????" moments of FF7 (which are really intensely being highlighted for me thanks to Adus) one of the bigger ones was...well, good GOD the people at Corel are stupid. Why the hell would you build your town in the middle of a functional railway???? Also, I still don't understand why our heroes decided to stop Shinra when they both had the same goal.
"Deeeeeerrrrrrp....." is also my favourite line of this update.
I actually never paid attention to how silly it was (and many other things), so my reaction in the update was pretty much my actual reaction while playing this current playthrough (and most of the other reactions. Albeit they're exaggerated for humor purposes). Though after all of it, I'm still enjoying playing again. The LP would have been painful had playing been a chore, but I look forward to it each time (except this next one. Stupid Lifestream), so obviously I still really enjoy the game. I hope reading this doesn't straight up ruin it for anyone because even after finding out these things, it's still a favorite of mine. At the core, the story is still interesting and who knows how many of these flubs are just due to poor translation and the like? All the more reason why we need a remake.
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
In regards to Corel being retarded... I dunno. I remember the first time I walked those tracks, and I never thought they were functional. They had holes in them everywhere. I always thought it was supposed to be a surprise, like, holy shit shinra is actually using these tracks? Are they (still) retarded!?
Ft. Condor is most certainly the most retarded of the bunch. For some reason, a group of people that hate shinra decided to live inside of one of their reactors... yeah... that makes sense.
I still think they could have built the village like at least a few yards away from the tracks. It's not like they had some expert design plan going on that required what they created.
Regarding what you said about the Huge Materia:
No one has yet made any revelation about the Huge Materia, so right now it literally is our team just deciding to stop Shinra for the sake of stopping Shinra, despite the fact that this plan is currently their only hope.
Besides, that theory of Cloud's ends up being wrong anyways. Meteor doesn't get stopped even by Sephiroth's defeat. Nor does the Huge Materia have any effect on Holy+Lifestream stopping it since the ending is the same whether it blew up in the rocket or not. But this is moot since they're not psychic and them not being psychic is my point as to why them trying to stop Shinra here is dumb.
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
But that's not really a story part of the huge materia
Behance Portfolio I Amazonian I PSN- Subtle_Ties | 3DS: 3840-5210-2008 (Subtle)
Is FFVII spoiler proof now? Awe, whatever.
Whether ShinRa's plan to bust up meteor was in line with the party's, I wouldn't trust them not to kill anyone who happened to be around regardless of if those people were in their way.
OTOH, what use is saving a couple towns when the whole world is fucked.
Oh, and since I'm here, thanks Adus for an awesome thread. First LP I've read and its always entertaining.
You're right though. There are reasons to assume Shinra is evil enough to just fuck up some towns even if they did hand over the Materia, but these reasons are Sector 7 and Corel mainly. Sector 7 you could make arguments about. AVALANCHE wasn't totally innocent themselves, as a few lines of dialogue make mention how their bombs kill a lot of people, too. They consider it for the greater good. Shinra breaks the pillar over Sector 7 to get back at them, probably using the same logic that any casualties were for the greater good.
Corel is a strange one. You never really figure out what causes the explosion in the reactor that results in the town being burnt down. The reason Corel may have hated Loaf was because Shinra told them all he did it, since he wasn't in town he was the scapegoat. It simply brings up another line of stupidity in the citizens as to why they'd believe the company that burnt down their town over a guy who lived there with his wife. Regardless, I'm getting a bit off track. The point is, it's possible they really believed the reactor explosion was caused by someone there. Hell, maybe Dyne did it since he hated them for being there. So that was their payback. Not that it was the right way to do it, but it would at least suggest they don't just kill people for absolutely no reason. Hence my assumption that if Ft. Condor handed over the materia, they might not have done anything.
Still, like it was stated above, it is rather stupid of the people to just build their home around a reactor anyways. The whole condor stuff is incredibly vague. Maybe you learn more going there at earlier points in the game, but I didn't particularly care to waste my time.
And once again thanks to everyone that supports this. It would have been easy to get discouraged and quit if no one had posted. I was even hesitant to promise I'd finish at first, but I can pretty much assure you I will now assuming my computer doesn't explode.
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
These spoilers are actually relevant to other FF games though:
To be honest, its one of the better explanations I've seen. Of course, then you have to wonder how Barret came to respect them... but whatever.
What always bothered me about Corel though, is you've got North Corel and regular Corel. North Corel being the idiots living at the end of the train tracks, and regular Corel being that town in the middle of the desert below Gold Saucer. When Barret has his flash back, it shows regular Corel going up in flames. So what the hell happened to N. Corel? Don't tell me that town originally stretched that whole span, because that'd make it bigger than midgar.
Behance Portfolio I Amazonian I PSN- Subtle_Ties | 3DS: 3840-5210-2008 (Subtle)
Apparently rain was sparse in those parts.
If North Corel is a refuge camp why would the city be so far away from the reactor in the first place? Not only does the rail road track run for miles (I mean, you get 10 minutes to stop it, right?), but then the city isn't even by the train tracks, it's in the middle of a forest long walk away from the train station. They must have been mining coal from the mountains 500km away. The logistics of that city make absolutely no sense.
I had assumed the city had developed around there due to the Gold Saucer tramway thing. And that still doesn't make any sense.
If you don't really care, or know about it already, then it'll be a pretty quick skim. I didn't try too hard to make a lot of jokes because I just wanted to move past this and get on with the game.
Part 25: Stream of Consciousness
I have discovered that when in doubt on titles, turn to Dream Theater songs.
Lockheart finally reveals the truth, which she had been afraid of for all this time. Sephiroth’s illusion back on the crater was actually true. Squall wasn’t the one who came to Nibelheim. It was the SOLDIER with black hair. This is the real problem in Squall’s memories.
If only we were so lucky…
The memory of the promise is the first clue toward Squall’s identity. It was seven years ago, earlier than when it was claimed he was created. He and Lockheart recalled it at the same time back in the bar, meaning he couldn’t have just made it up right then or by listening to any stories. This memory was the main reason Lockheart held out hope that he was real.
Lockheart feels that Squall should try and recall a more specific memory. One she’ll know is true. That she’ll remember after he says it. That’ll be a bigger clue. This discussion here gives some insight as to why Squall left Nibelheim to begin with. He wanted to be noticed, more specifically by Lockheart. D’awww. So, what is the important memory that he doesn’t wish to recall?
Squall has a window to Lockheart’s room in his mind. Creepy.
It seems Squall and Lockheart knew each other as kids, but weren’t friends per se. Mainly because Squall was a little bitch and thought her friends were dumb little kids. Which they were. Secretly, he wanted to be a part of their group. He decided he’d leave to join SOLDIER. Maybe then, she’d notice him. It seems like it half worked. After he left, she thought about him all the time, even checking the papers. But the day he was remembering had something different about it. Something that made Lockheart just sit and sulk in the corner of her room.
After running out of her room stating she wants to see her mother, we come to a familiar path toward Mt. Nibel.
Fucking candy canes and gumdrops. What the fuck does it look like? Concentrated death, I say.
Lockheart was a pretty stupid kid. She ventured into the mountains with her friends, who quickly abandon her. Nice friends. Squall goes after her, only for them to fall off part of the mountain. Squall manages to only skin his knees, but Lockheart goes into a coma for a week. Lockheart’s father blames it on Squall for taking her up there, which is pretty fucking retarded. You’re the one who never properly taught your daughter not to go wandering in ominous mountains alone.
I have to wonder why they didn’t get attacked by monsters while out there, but there seems to be a suggestion that mako reactors create monsters, and if the reactor wasn’t there yet, maybe none existed yet either.
Anyways, this event turned Squall kind of emo, making him get into fights and hate himself, even though he didn’t even do anything wrong. He decided he’d be strong like Sephiroth, then like, he’d be able to stop people from dying. Typical childish dreams.
You should be, bitch. You let him take the heat for your retardation. And don’t use your coma as an excuse! With any luck, Squall made good use of that coma as payment.
Lockheart remembers that, too. This proving that he couldn’t have been created five years ago. But there are still a few holes in the story left. We go back to fucking Nibelheim a-fucking-gain. My god, I want to burn it down, now.
A familiar scene which we all hate Sephiroth for. You never take a sword to such delicious funbags. I don’t care how insane you are.
Ah it’s this fashion disaster again. It’s finally revealed. He’s Zack Fair, SOLDIER First Class and Mary Sue’s old boyfriend. The loose ends are being connected. It explains why Mary was infatuated with Squall so quickly.
If he’s smart, enjoying a nice soda pop somewhere away from all the crazy.
But we all know Squall and smart go together like chocolate cake and wasabi. The shots didn’t come out well, but after running in after Sephiroth, Zack gets flung back out like a ragdoll two seconds later. The shadowy figure takes his sword and dashes in. Gee I wonder who it could be? I’m guessing… Idiot Bowling Savant? He’s my hero so it certainly would be fitting for him to be the hero of the world, too.
For being basically a superhuman, Sephiroth just allows himself to be run in the back by this pansy grunt. Pay attention, fucker!
…BUT NOT JEFF BRIDGES BECAUSE HE’S THE DUDE.’
Haha, you look like such a douche.
Chekin’ that ass the whole time.
So, Squall really was at Nibelheim five years ago, just as one of those expendable grunts we’ve been slaughtering all game. I find something a bit curious here. In the earlier shot, as Squall is stabbing Sephiroth, Sephiroth asks who it is, but here above, he’s specifically speaking to Squall with that “It’s your first time back in your hometown” talk. So uh, he must know something about who it is. Maybe since Squall still had the mask on during the stabbing, but it still seems odd to me. Anyways, hey look at this, despite his memories being somewhat of a fabrication, a lot of his story was still true in a sense. Especially the part about keeping that goddamn promise Lockheart kept going on about. Maybe now that’ll be the end of hearing about it.
That’s Jenova’s head he’s carrying there. So, he was the one who decapitated her. If this doesn’t prove he’s a fucking nutcase, I don’t know what does. I’m not sure what he thought to accomplish by just… taking her head…
Wait wait… Shit, I always mess up under pressure!’
Wow, that looks… uncomfortable.
Squall is impaled and lifted into the air on a sword, only to push himself back down and grab the blade with his hands…
Then… picks Sephiroth with it…
And tosses him into the sea of Mako below… Alright, I’m not gonna joke here, that’s actually pretty badass of him (though you’d think Sephiroth could have just uh, let go of the sword). Completely implausible given their differences in strength, but I guess adrenaline does some crazy shit to you when you want to avenge your town, family and friends.
So, this is where Sephiroth dies. It could be considered his true death, because whatever he comes back as in the Northern Crater isn’t quite him any longer. Corrupted by Jenova. I think the explanation is he gets submerged into the Lifestream and carried to the Northern Crater with Jenova’s head, allowing her to “revive” him and why they’re sort of merged. I guess. Someone else might be able to explain it better.
Back in the marshmallow room…
The memories of Squall reform. Looks like we’ve seen the last of Fredrick Picklemier, and we’ve got our now ex-junkie, Jailbait loving, buddy back! Huzzah! The pair just casually float out of the Lifestream like it’s no big.
Then just what good are you?
Indeed. Mostly regarding underage, tomboy ninjas.
Woah hold on, are we already on step 9? Have you been using the Cliff Notes version of the 12 step process? Or is it only for alcoholics?
The truth comes out. Squall was never in SOLDIER. He hid it because he was ashamed. Manufactured a story from things he heard from Zack combined with his own experiences. He wasn’t created five years ago, but he was a part of the Sephiroth clone project, injected with Jenova cells. This is why he still has the glowing Mako eyes that members of SOLDIER have. His weakness couldn’t handle it well, however, and that’s why Sephiroth had partial control over him.
But he’s sober now. We’re back on track. He’s not giving up because he feels like it’s his fault, which it kinda is.
No. No no no. Stop.
SHUT UP, YOU WORTHLESS FLAMING QUADRUPED.
I HATE ALL OF YOU.
By the way, one of you fucked up (Probably Loaf. It would be like him to mess up his own saying). Nice work.
God, all we need is a freeze-frame cheer with bloom and brush strokes going on and we’ve fulfilled a whole set of cheesy clichés.
Next time on Final Fantasy VII: There’s no escape from Underwater Reno.
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
It's great that the game starts up music at a specific time, and moves the dialogue boxes along by itself.
That way Cloud's Theme (the world map theme) kicks in with those awesome drums at just the right time.
It gives me goosebumps everytime I see that part.
I bet Barret was the one who fucked up the whole 'train' thing... "Huh? What did I say? Oh, right! The train we on do-... wait, the hell are you guys saying sumthin differe-... Shi't, you busted up my rhythm!"
...At which point Adus runs him over with the train from Corel.
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 XBL - BlitzAce1981
Yeah, your theory on Sephiroth is basically the one most people stick to. He died, fell into the lifestream, and the Jenova cells in him or in the head started this crazy plan. Could be just the head for all we know. He more or less killed the real Sephiroth, making him the new Big Boss.
It makes Squall a pretty likeable fellow in the end.
I also need to remember to turn Match Case on my replacement tool in Word, because everytime I change Cid to Banana, every instance of the word "decided" suddenly gets changed to "deBananaed" though it is a pretty awesome word.
And yeah, tossing Sephiroth into the Mako with his own sword was always awesome, and the music really works wonders. Wish that wasn't lost in the translation to screenshot but oh well. It's a bit saddening that this is all in the past and before Squall decides to dress up like a woman to avoid a little commotion... And yeah I haven't seen Last Order. The only FF7 thing I've seen outside the game is Advent Children. It might have been better if I had played/seen everything in order to perhaps clear up plot holes, but honestly I think leaving them in and realizing that for a long time there was no clarification is amusing on its own.
Though you have to admit for all the little things the game does a pretty decent job of tying everything together here. Clues that had been dropped since the very first hour of the game.
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
Last Order is easily the best thing to come out of the Compilation of FF7.
Despite Last Order being awesome, it's the only instance where Sephiroth isn't flung into the mako; he jumps in of his own free will. This got re-retconned in Crisis Core back to what we know, only with Genesis being retconned in when Zack and Sephiroth first investigate the reactor.
PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 XBL - BlitzAce1981
I liked Zack more as a character after playing it.
Its in the first 10 minutes of the game.
Approaching the first reactor, Cloud stand upright and you hear that humming noise, and then a narrator voice says, "Watch out, this isn't just a reactor"
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is it trying to say its a path of things to come? Is it just lost in translation from the moon speak?
By the way- although it really IS an awesome scene, that sword-lifting completely broke immersion for me. The set-up, the music, all perfect... But this silly move... I mean, com'on, the sword moves like a fucking seasaw. The only explanation for why Cloud's little trick works is that he was pumped up with adrenaline like crazy, and Sephiroth was frozen with shock. So frozen, actually, that he holds on to the blade and musters up the strength to keep himself up.
Seriously- imagine that scene in more realistic cutscenes. It's downright impossible, and silly at the least...
I guess that makes me one of the unwashed videogame heavens, he.
And really, that scene follows the best guidelines of all; 'does it look cool?'
[Steam][TF2 Backpack]
I always thought it was a warning about the guardian robot thing.
Good update.
That's basically the explanation, s'far as I can tell, since [strike]Cloud[/strike] Squall has his second "Shit is going down" moment way back in the second reactor they hit it right after the first. That they're all identical at that point, pretty much, is probably enough.
Dragged out from two pages ago, because filthy, dirty lies like this need to be called out.
This LP is the best thing ever. That is all.
Also, seconded on the part in the mansion. It really adds to the Cloud/ Zack stuff.