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Strange & Embarassing Moments: The Finer Points of Cunnilingus on a Chalkboard

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Posts

  • WulfWulf Disciple of Tzeentch The Void... (New Jersey)Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Well, I would, but apparently, the average woman is stronger than I am.

    See guys, Andy Kaufman isn't dead!

    Wulf on
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  • temperature!temperature! Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Kistra wrote: »
    I was 2 when I asked my mom where babies came from. And she told me. Apparently my response was "huh, I should try that with Bob" (a friend) And she laughed.

    I was always confused by some of the messed up theories people had about "it" in elementary school. I can't remember not knowing the basics of sex.

    I hope you meant 12, because if you were 2 when you asked these things, and decided to have a go at Bob, you would be a fucked up mutant baby.

    Now my story. When I was 7, my mom met this guy (who is now my stepdad), and my brother, mom and I moved in to his place. They used to "sleep" until like 1 in the afternoon, so if the phone rang, me or my brother had to answer it, and let them know the phone was for one of them. Well one morning the phone rang, it was for my stepdad so I went to their bedroom to give it to him. Only he was giving it to my mom. They had no door, and the bed was in clear sight, but luckily it was around the time waterbeds were popular as my mom was sunk in the bed so I didn't see anything. The worst part is, I just stood there, and stared at the horror. After about 5 seconds, which seemed like an hour, my stepdad finally yelled "WHAT!" and all I could say was "phone...". I promptly set it down on the floor and walked away.

    They always used to do it late in the night when they thought we were asleep, only I have always had problems sleeping, and their room was right next to ours. I used to envy my brother being able to sleep through a thunderstorm, while I layed there listening to the horrors of my mom getting plowed. Now that I think about it, my parents are dicks.

    temperature! on
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  • RikushixRikushix VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I think all these sex stories regarding parents started because my gran and grandpa took me to see xXx.

    I am honoured to have sacrificed myself for your noble gain.

    Rikushix on
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  • postinonthenetspostinonthenets Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    My mom told us about sex my locking us in the car and driving around so we couldnt run away. This was a habit of hers with difficult subjects:

    "So...your Dad and I were on the computer and we found some images that we don't think are entirely appropriate...do you know anything about this?"

    postinonthenets on
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  • JustinSane07JustinSane07 Really, stupid? Brockton__BANNED USERS regular
    edited April 2009
    And now you have a phallic object in your avatar.

    Dr. Henry Killinger would like you to step into his magic murder bag.

    JustinSane07 on
  • NerissaNerissa Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Kistra wrote: »
    I was 2 when I asked my mom where babies came from. And she told me. Apparently my response was "huh, I should try that with Bob" (a friend) And she laughed.

    I was always confused by some of the messed up theories people had about "it" in elementary school. I can't remember not knowing the basics of sex.

    I hope you meant 12, because if you were 2 when you asked these things, and decided to have a go at Bob, you would be a fucked up mutant baby.

    I think she probably did mean 2, based on both the mom's reaction and the statement about not remembering not knowing the basics of sex.

    Nerissa on
  • UltimaGeckoUltimaGecko Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I don't recall either, but I know it happened later than 2 years old since cognitive development would prevent the formulation of complex sentences and understanding. If your parents are nonchalant about it there's no reason it would really stick out in your mind (and you probably learned about it as soon as you had the urge to ask so there's no defining memory to link it to). It'd end up right there with other complicated questions kids usually ask: "how do I do my taxes," "what's up with car insurance," or any other of a multitude of complex subjects that parents end up explaining (or philosophical 'meaning of life' type discussions if you've got cool parents).

    Most people don't remember the specifics of those because parents are generally glad to impart that sort of knowledge (unless you've got lazy or bad parents or kids who don't care), whereas "sex is bad, mmm'kay" fits for most of them.

    UltimaGecko on
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    Bitstream wrote: »
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  • ButtcleftButtcleft Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    jothki wrote: »
    Do the rooms not have locks or something?
    Why would they?

    To keep people out.

    I wonder if Grabriel knows why penguins don't have milk.
    Ummm... because birds don't lactate? I already mentioned that locks on interior doors aren't all that common in home construction anymore.

    I have and maintain locks on all my interior rooms.

    IF the zombies breech the interior its the only chance I have to slow them down as I gather the ammo, set the charges, and make my escape through the underground tunnel.

    Buttcleft on
  • KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Kistra wrote: »
    I was 2 when I asked my mom where babies came from. And she told me. Apparently my response was "huh, I should try that with Bob" (a friend) And she laughed.

    I was always confused by some of the messed up theories people had about "it" in elementary school. I can't remember not knowing the basics of sex.

    I hope you meant 12, because if you were 2 when you asked these things, and decided to have a go at Bob, you would be a fucked up mutant baby.

    Yes I meant 2. No I don't remember this but my mom thinks it is a funny story to tell. No, nothing happened with Bob. It is a normal young child response to want to do anything they hear about, that doesn't mean they actually do.

    Yeah, if that had happened when I was 12 I think my mom would have locked me in my room for several years.

    And we had locks on all of the bedroom doors in the house I grew up in (built in 1983) and most of my friends did too.

    EDIT: The embarrassing part about this is that my mom thinks it is such a cute story that she used to tell it to all of my boyfriends that she met.

    Kistra on
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  • Bruce ForsythBruce Forsyth Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Your mom was basically telling your boyfriends how easy you were?

    Bruce Forsyth on
  • postinonthenetspostinonthenets Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Exin wrote: »
    Your mom was basically telling your boyfriends how easy you were?

    so ah...next penny arcade meet up...

    postinonthenets on
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  • KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Exin wrote: »
    Your mom was basically telling your boyfriends how easy you were?

    so ah...next penny arcade meet up...

    You convince my husband that threesomes with two guys involved are a good thing and we have a deal :winky:

    Kistra on
    Animal Crossing: City Folk Lissa in Filmore 3179-9580-0076
  • Ethan SmithEthan Smith Origin name: Beart4to Arlington, VARegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I learned sex from Dean Koontz novels.

    D:

    Ethan Smith on
  • mystikspyralmystikspyral Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I learned sex from Dean Koontz novels.

    D:

    Hahaha I remember reading Dean Koontz books in middle school. There was some book he wrote where a guy was putting mind control drugs in the water supply and then using it to rape a bunch of women, kill people, whatev. I learned some things a 12 year old maybe shouldn't know D:.

    mystikspyral on
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  • ButtcleftButtcleft Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I had the misfortune of learning about sex from erotic story bulletin boards when I was around 9-11 years old.

    Unfortunately, i was not aware at the time, but it turned out I was on more fringe boards... Needless to say, shitting on your first girlfriends chest is not as acceptable as one could be lead to believe.

    Buttcleft on
  • Ethan SmithEthan Smith Origin name: Beart4to Arlington, VARegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I learned sex from Dean Koontz novels.

    D:

    Hahaha I remember reading Dean Koontz books in middle school. There was some book he wrote where a guy was putting mind control drugs in the water supply and then using it to rape a bunch of women, kill people, whatev. I learned some things a 12 year old maybe shouldn't know D:.

    Yes, that was the book.

    Ethan Smith on
  • postinonthenetspostinonthenets Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Buttcleft wrote: »
    I had the misfortune of learning about sex from erotic story bulletin boards when I was around 9-11 years old.

    Unfortunately, i was not aware at the time, but it turned out I was on more fringe boards... Needless to say, shitting on your first girlfriends chest is not as acceptable as one could be lead to believe.

    Did you...really...

    postinonthenets on
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  • kdrudykdrudy Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I learned sex from Dean Koontz novels.

    D:

    At least it wasn't from Stephen King novels. He always has to have one scene.

    kdrudy on
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  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Buttcleft wrote: »
    I had the misfortune of learning about sex from erotic story bulletin boards when I was around 9-11 years old.

    Unfortunately, i was not aware at the time, but it turned out I was on more fringe boards... Needless to say, shitting on your first girlfriends chest is not as acceptable as one could be lead to believe.

    D: wut?

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • Robos A Go GoRobos A Go Go Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I learned about sex from Stephen King, who shitted on my chest.

    Robos A Go Go on
  • TamTam Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Buttcleft wrote: »
    I had the misfortune of learning about sex from erotic story bulletin boards when I was around 9-11 years old.

    Unfortunately, i was not aware at the time, but it turned out I was on more fringe boards... Needless to say, shitting on your first girlfriends chest is not as acceptable as one could be lead to believe.

    Did you...really...

    there

    there is no fucking way

    Tam on
  • brandotheninjamasterbrandotheninjamaster Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    What a perfect way to end a thread.

    brandotheninjamaster on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    There has to be more. There has to be.

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • projectmayhemprojectmayhem Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I think this fits, http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=87592 in case anyone missed my tour de force.

    projectmayhem on
  • ilmmadilmmad Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    This thread is a juggernaut of embarrassment. It pushes on past normal page limits.

    ilmmad on
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  • postinonthenetspostinonthenets Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I'm still waiting for an 11 year old chest shitting explanation.

    postinonthenets on
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  • The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I'm still waiting for an 11 year old chest shitting explanation.

    For some reason, I need to know.

    The Crowing One on
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  • RikushixRikushix VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I'm still waiting for an 11 year old chest shitting explanation.

    For some reason, I need to know.

    jack-20nicholson-20truth.jpg

    You can't handle the truth!

    Rikushix on
    StKbT.jpg
  • chamberlainchamberlain Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Do we really need more poo stories? Espically if it involves a misguided youth dropping a deuce on his unsuspecting girlfriend?

    What am I saying. Of course we do.

    chamberlain on
  • FendallFendall Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    There are sex stories and there are poop stories. I think with the combination of sex and poop you have reached climax.

    Fendall on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    That one is the exception. I don't want to hear about your latest poop-baby, but I am wondering how exactly an 11 year old boy drops a shit onto his girlfriend and explains it as okay.

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • chamberlainchamberlain Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    bowen wrote: »
    That one is the exception. I don't want to hear about your latest poop-baby, but I am wondering how exactly an 11 year old boy drops a shit onto his girlfriend and explains it as okay.

    It's okay baby, I love you?

    chamberlain on
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    bowen wrote: »
    That one is the exception. I don't want to hear about your latest poop-baby, but I am wondering how exactly an 11 year old boy drops a shit onto his girlfriend and explains it as okay.

    It's okay baby, I love you?

    Kerrrrrrrrrrrrrrplop?

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • postinonthenetspostinonthenets Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Fendall wrote: »
    There are sex stories and there are poop stories. I think with the combination of sex and poop you have reached climax.

    I certainly did :winky:

    postinonthenets on
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  • AydrAydr Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Rikushix wrote: »
    I'm still waiting for an 11 year old chest shitting explanation.

    For some reason, I need to know.

    2cdg9dg-1.jpg

    You can't handle the truth!

    Aydr on
  • RikushixRikushix VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Aydr wrote: »
    Rikushix wrote: »
    I'm still waiting for an 11 year old chest shitting explanation.

    For some reason, I need to know.

    2cdg9dg-1.jpg

    You can't handle the truth!

    I just lol'ed hardcore.

    Here's the original if you want it.

    Rikushix on
    StKbT.jpg
  • Mr_GrinchMr_Grinch Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I shit on someone's chest once.

    Or is that 'shat'?

    Is there a past tense for 'shit'? These questions need answering.

    Mr_Grinch on
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  • RikushixRikushix VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Mr_Grinch wrote: »
    I shit on someone's chest once.

    Or is that 'shat'?

    Is there a past tense for 'shit'? These questions need answering.

    Those questions are less important than you telling your story. Don't be a cocktease :winky:

    Rikushix on
    StKbT.jpg
  • RichyRichy Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Mr_Grinch wrote: »
    I shit on someone's chest once.

    Or is that 'shat'?

    Is there a past tense for 'shit'? These questions need answering.
    It's "shitted".

    Richy on
    sig.gif
  • TeeManTeeMan BrainSpoon Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    So much story teasing on this page. Come on already! :D

    TeeMan on
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This discussion has been closed.