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Stuff that has been handled (please lock)

UnknownSaintUnknownSaint Registered User
edited April 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
So yeah. Friend of mine and I are both into each other, have a romantic history, etc. Hanging out at other friends places it's pretty obvious we both want something to happen (let's not debate this premise, take it as granted) - but everywhere she is her male best friend follows like a hawk. He's pretty much the definition of 'best friend stuck in the friend zone' and does nothing but get in the way of her and I. If it's not by his simple presence, it's his habit of moping into another room to draw her away from me - it's all really rather aggravating and low. (He's been at this for half a decade now, damn near has it down to a science.)

I'd take her back to my place but I now live a fair distance from my hometown that we're hanging out at, and she's only around for a limited span of time.

Talking to him doesn't work because he disapproves of her in any sort of casual relationship we would be having. (We used to be very serious in a normal relationship but it's very well clear that for various reasons it won't work out, so have been good friends with occasional intimacy that is pretty healthy and drama free.)

So this isn't much of a 'i'm pining for this girl help me H/A!' it's just a practical question of what the fuck can I even do about this dude, who is a pain in the ass and throws a wrench in these things?

tl:dr Bypassing a stage 4 cockblocking male friend of a gal that I want to get down with.

UnknownSaint on
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Posts

  • TalithTalith 変態という名の紳士 Miami, FLRegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    What, does he live with her? Have you tried talking to the girl and making plans that don't involve her friend?

    You also have to ask yourself: Is the casual sex really worth the drama?

    zs0NdTG.gif
  • SerpentSerpent Sometimes Vancouver, BC, sometimes Brisbane, QLDRegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    make plans with her and not him.

  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Can't you just call her? I understand calling her to uh "be casual" is different than just segueing from a face-to-face meetup into a more intimate situation but...I dunno what to tell you. From what you say, the dude sounds like a jealous asshole, and you'll have to either navigate around it or try to talk to her about it. The latter of which I don't really recommend. I mean, despite the way he acts, they are friends. She may value her platonic friendship with this guy more than she would value a casually sexual one with you and if she can't see a way to reconcile both without losing one or the other, then you may alienate her. If you insult him to her, she may take it as a personal insult. Been there, done that. Just my two cents, and it may not be at all accurate in your given situation.

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  • UnknownSaintUnknownSaint Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Serpent wrote: »
    make plans with her and not him.

    We're hanging out later in the week but it's just going to be a little lunch thing. I guess this is more of a question of the big social situations where she and I will be around but this dude will be too.
    Talith wrote: »
    What, does he live with her? Have you tried talking to the girl and making plans that don't involve her friend?

    You also have to ask yourself: Is the casual sex really worth the drama?

    Nope, though he basically drives her around everywhere and hangs out with her at basically everywhere she'll be at while she's in town.

    And like I said, it's not really drama or anything crazy, just an inconvenience. I enjoy my time with this gal and it's just kind of silly to have this dude bringing things down for me because god damnit if he can't have her.

    I can certainly go on just fine if nothing happens, I'd just prefer if it would, moreso because I don't like the fact that these high school little stunts this dude pulls are actually working.
    Drez wrote: »
    Can't you just call her? I understand calling her to uh "be casual" is different than just segueing from a face-to-face meetup into a more intimate situation but...I dunno what to tell you. From what you say, the dude sounds like a jealous asshole, and you'll have to either navigate around it or try to talk to her about it. The latter of which I don't really recommend. I mean, despite the way he acts, they are friends. She may value her platonic friendship with this guy more than she would value a casually sexual one with you and if she can't see a way to reconcile both without losing one or the other, then you may alienate her. If you insult him to her, she may take it as a personal insult. Been there, done that. Just my two cents, and it may not be at all accurate in your given situation.

    Nah this is helpful and relevant, thanks! And yeah, I've been very careful about this - I'm not stupid enough to think going against him to her (which I don't even really want to do, he's not a bad dude aside from this stuff) would be wise or productive. It's just a strange dynamic, I've known her all my life but in recent years they've become inseperable friends. :|

  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I can certainly go on just fine if nothing happens, I'd just prefer if it would, moreso because I don't like the fact that these high school little stunts this dude pulls are actually working.

    It seems to me - and again, I don't know you, this girl, or this other guy - that she likes this guy, as a friend, or at least likes the attention he throws at her. Or both. So the fact that it's "working" is at least partially because she's allowing it to work. Which is why I say "be cautious." You have to deal with the guy somehow - either circumvent him, or whatever - but I recommend against doing anything TO him or complaining ABOUT him to the girl. That's just my two cents.

    I mean, people aren't stupid. I'm sure she is aware of what he's doing. Especially when it sounds as obvious as you make it sound.

    edit: Ah, okay. (Just saw your edit.)

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  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Fisticuffs!

    Wait, no, that's a terrible idea ...

    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • JebusUDJebusUD Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Maybe she really likes this other dude and you should suggest to her that she ask him on a date. Then go pick up some other girl to bang that doesn't have a team of cockblockers.

    You haven't given me a reason to steer clear of you!
  • WeAre138WeAre138 Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    (We used to be very serious in a normal relationship but it's very well clear that for various reasons it won't work out, so have been good friends with occasional intimacy that is pretty healthy and drama free.)

    Wait. You have already gotten with this girl before? Dude. Hard part is done! Just get your mood/whatever right and make your move do the playful kiss or whatever. She already knows what you are like (like that) and if she didn't want it then she would be running away, etc... The other guy is a non-factor. Make your move on her and treat him like a friends little brother. Goofy high-fives while your arm is around her and shit. Dont fight him, don't rip on him, just don't factor him in.

    Dinosaurs can happen at anytime!
    Spoiler:
  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Businessman!Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I also agree on the "just go for it" and "ignore him" moves. What is he going to do, physically drag her away?

    I don't normally side against the "friend zoned guy" cause I've been him or like him way too much, but this is H/A. Good luck!

    steam_sig.png

    I pronounce it bee-log. Most recent entry: VIDEO GAMES: GUNPOINT, OR A SCIENTIFIC STUDY ON WHAT HAPPENS WHEN GLASS MEETS TROUSERS. 3DS Friend Code: 2165-6448-8348
  • SpawnbrokerSpawnbroker Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    WeAre138 wrote: »
    (We used to be very serious in a normal relationship but it's very well clear that for various reasons it won't work out, so have been good friends with occasional intimacy that is pretty healthy and drama free.)

    Wait. You have already gotten with this girl before? Dude. Hard part is done! Just get your mood/whatever right and make your move do the playful kiss or whatever. She already knows what you are like (like that) and if she didn't want it then she would be running away, etc... The other guy is a non-factor. Make your move on her and treat him like a friends little brother. Goofy high-fives while your arm is around her and shit. Dont fight him, don't rip on him, just don't factor him in.

    I don't think you understand the situation... I've been around guys like the one the OP is talking about before. If he does any of that, the guy will most likely start moping and leave the room, and the girl will then try to console him and find out what's wrong, which will end up with them having to leave or something not involving the OP.

    The dude is cockblocking because he can't get the girl.

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  • WeAre138WeAre138 Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    WeAre138 wrote: »
    (We used to be very serious in a normal relationship but it's very well clear that for various reasons it won't work out, so have been good friends with occasional intimacy that is pretty healthy and drama free.)

    Wait. You have already gotten with this girl before? Dude. Hard part is done! Just get your mood/whatever right and make your move do the playful kiss or whatever. She already knows what you are like (like that) and if she didn't want it then she would be running away, etc... The other guy is a non-factor. Make your move on her and treat him like a friends little brother. Goofy high-fives while your arm is around her and shit. Don't fight him, don't rip on him, just don't factor him in.

    I don't think you understand the situation... I've been around guys like the one the OP is talking about before. If he does any of that, the guy will most likely start moping and leave the room, and the girl will then try to console him and find out what's wrong, which will end up with them having to leave or something not involving the OP.

    The dude is cockblocking because he can't get the girl.

    I understand what he's doing; guys like that are the WORST kind of cockblock. The plan doesn't change, however. The OP simply needs to be of higher value to her. He should talk/flirt/be social all night at some party with her. When she is paying attention to cokblock McGee, he needs to immediately turn to another set of girls/guys and strike up a convo, get them laughing, in general be the life of the party. He needs to show suezy-creamcheese that !) he is unphased whenever she doesn't pay attention to him, 2) that he totaly "understands" that she needs to take care of cockblock (tell her, "hey what are friends for" or "he's lucky to have such a good friend") and 3) he needs to demonstrate that he will not chase after her.

    Ultimately he needs to act like far more fun than Cockblock. If she believes this, then she will find someway to ditch cockblock. Trust me. While he might mope and hang about or whatnot, what the fuck will he do when She says "...look Cockblocky, I am gonna go Dance with OP righ tnow. You should talk to down-syndrome sally over there! She really nice and totally into you..."

    Dinosaurs can happen at anytime!
    Spoiler:
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Whoah, whoah. You run a risk of decreasing your value if you get into a "him or me" mindset.

    You, my friend, need a wingman sympathetic to your cause. I have a friend who has seen similar problems, and I have been introduced occasionally to run interference on the friends-zone friend. You get a buddy, let them in on what you suspect, and then they do everything humanly possible (up to and including picking fights and being the one the girl sees as the jerk, rather than you) to get you some alone time.

    "Well, look at this. Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What's that make us?"
    "Big Damn Heroes, Sir."
    "Ain't we just."
  • EverywhereasignEverywhereasign Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Been in a similar situation. It did not turn out well for me. In my case, the girls "BFF" did such an awesome job of ensuring we never had quality time to improve our relationship, that we both ended up getting frustrated and not seeing each other any more.

    It even went so far as her friend repeatedly calling us when they knew we were alone together. When we didn't answer the phone they'd come by and say they were "worried" because they couldn't get a hold of us.

    Try to spend as much time away from the other guy as possible. Schedule things when he's at work or otherwise occupied. If you want to be really bold, find another girl he might be interested in and bring her along to the next "group" event.

    EDIT Darkewolfe's got a great idea there. Wingmen are great for that kind of thing.

    "What are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman!"
  • EndomaticEndomatic Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Unfortunately, this really looks like it hinges on what the girl wants.

    If she wants a relationship of any kind with you, she has to stop buying into this guys' bullshit.
    The moment she tells him to stop the shit, his mind set will change. You can't change it, only she can.

    This seems like more trouble than it's worth.

  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Pretty much what endo said.

    I know you mentioned that both of you want to be together, and maybe I never really faced off against a persistent cockblocker(which would make a great band name by the way), but I would imagine that if the girl really wanted something with you, she would go ahead and have it.

    I mean, why can't you pick her up rather than this guy drive her places?

    Spoiler:
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Get a motel/hotel room?
    Does he work? Go while he's at work. Find a time where he is busy, and do stuff then. Eventually he'll realize that shit is happening between you and the girl, and shit won't happen between him and the girl, and hopefully he'll lay off.

  • DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited April 2009
    He's only like this because he has blinders on to other women.

    That is to say, be his friend at least long enough to introduce him to a friend of yours. Is that an option?

  • CristoCristo Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I don't think you're just going to be able to pawn him off on some other chick, not if he's this into this chick.

    Unlucky wrote: »
    So, after having read all of his stuff, Pony's officially my hero now. I wish I could be that callous towards humanity.
  • DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited April 2009
    I meant hire him a craigslist hooker.

    What were you thinking, pervert?

  • CristoCristo Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Doc wrote: »
    I meant hire him a craigslist hooker.

    What were you thinking, pervert?

    Fuck I'm too young and naive for all this shit.

    Unlucky wrote: »
    So, after having read all of his stuff, Pony's officially my hero now. I wish I could be that callous towards humanity.
  • RipsteelRipsteel Registered User
    edited April 2009
    I guess your situation now hangs on your gf...you could do the talking to your gf...but the final decision would ultimately depend on her...so just don't do anything out of anger....

    Why don't you hang out with your gf at a time when that guy's off somewhere else??? And keep doing this always...This might bring you and your gf closer....that guy will slowly slip away because he'd be ignored..

  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Nope, though he basically drives her around everywhere and hangs out with her at basically everywhere she'll be at while she's in town.

    'Hey, can you drive me over to the mall? I'd like to have lunch with this guy I might fuck while you hang around bored as shit. Whaddyasay?'

    Pick her up and drive her yourself. If your next statement is 'I don't have a car.' then you're kinda fucked, because he's providing something you can't. When you can handle everything he does and more, then there is no need for him, and she can leave his mopey ass at home.

    This sounds very double-edged; his resources are allowing you and this girl to hang out, and you intend to fuck him over for providing that resource. You want to have your cake and eat it too, and assuming she wants the same thing, one of you is going to run out of cake. People like cake, more than getting occasionally laid even, so mebbe make sure you bring some goddamn cake.

    I fucking love cake.

    Edcrab wrote: »
    "See," said Lucifer, "God's an asshole."
  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Yes Sarcastro, we all love cake.

    wait. What are we even talking about?

    ..........


    ..........


    The girl! Yes. As the second poster said, you have to ask yourself whether or not all this drama is worth it, for something that isn't even going continue forever.

  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Sorry, I suppose the TLDR version is that maybe buddy is around because she gets something practical out of it. To remove the buddy, temp replace the something.

    (I'm not kidding though, I would bang your mom for an angel food cake with marshmallow frosting. Forsrsly.)

    Edcrab wrote: »
    "See," said Lucifer, "God's an asshole."
  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray the swamp, always the swampRegistered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Sounds to me like this lady is in need of growing the fuck up. She is obviously not interested in anything but friendship with mr. Cockblock, yet makes him drive her around so she can meet other guys she is interested in. That's fucking bullshit, if she wants something with you she should be honest to that guy as well and make it clear that they're not going to be in a relationship. After that it's up to the guy to grow the fuck up as well and stop chasing her around.

    If you can't explain to her why her friend is in need of some honesty then maybe a mutual friend can explain. From the way you present your case here both her and her cockblock sound like mean people, though. You say there is no drama, it sounds to me like that girl attracts drama with the way she treats her cockblock.

    Elendil wrote: »
    said Aldo hazily, before clop-clop-clopping out of the room
  • starmanbrandstarmanbrand Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I know you stated we shouldn't debate the premise...But...If the window of opportunity is closing..A mopey friend seems like a pretty poor excuse to not spend more time alone with you if she was really into the NSA deal.

    Maybe instead of trying to devise a way to come between her and the friend (No matter if he is too clingy to her or if she is using him for the attention or they are actually BFFies) to get some tail, you should just enjoy their company for the visit and call this one a wash.

    Like The Pharcyde said. Otha' fish in the sea.

    camo_sig2.png
  • SamSam Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    you're not going to be able to remain as casually aloof as you'd like to be, you're getting sucked into relationship drama.

    generally when people you associate with cause you problems through their personal issues (and cockblocker has attachment issues while the girl is a cunt who is happy to use people) the best thing is to cut off ties, since the entire point of associating with other people is to provide mutual value to each other and not have your problems feed off each other.

    but of course nsa sex is awesome, so you'll do what you're gonna do, just be prepared to take what comes with it.
    at the very least realize the bitch is a bitch who is content to use people.

  • RNEMESiS42RNEMESiS42 Registered User
    edited April 2009
    All I can say is I've dealt with this situation before, and these types of girls crave attention from multiple people. They like to see multiple guys be their "best friend" and let one of them have a relationship, while everyone fights for her attention. It's really quite simple: don't deal with her shenanigans.

    my apartment looks upside down from there
    water spirals the wrong way out the sink
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    The guy I met my better half through was her best friend and my roommate. For whatever reason, he wasn't thrilled about the thought of us dating (the night we met, she pulled him aside and said she wanted to ask him a private question, and he shrieked "NO NO NO NO NO NO YOU CANNOT DATE MY ROOMMATE NO NO NO," although really she just wanted to ask him about his job). He actually went so far as to tell her that we would never work as a couple ("you're both great people, I just don't see it working, plus Sam's fucking someone new every six weeks" (not true)) and he lied to me early on and told me that she was still sleeping with her ex-boyfriend in the hopes that I'd lose interest and run for the hills.

    How did I solve his cockblocking?

    I sent him to Korea.

    Not really. Well, I mean, yes, he did end up on the other side of the planet. But what I mean is, getting him out of the way isn't what solved the problem--what eventually fixed it was I made it crystal clear to everyone that I'm completely head-over-heels for the girl without reservation or agenda. Once he came to understand that I wanted more from his best friend than the opportunity to fuck her silly, he took a step back and realized that his friend was happy with me. What's more, he realized that he was happy for her.

    I want to throw this anecdote out there as an addendum to Sarcastro's advice. Getting some distance from the friend can be a good thing, but that's not a viable long-term solution because you can't keep them apart or stop them from communicating forever--even from the other side of the planet, my former roommate would be able to call or email or g-chat his best friend and tell her every reason he could think of to explain why she shouldn't date me.

    Make it clear that everything's on the up-and-up, that you want to make the girl feel happy, and he should be happy if she's happy. If he accepts you, that's great, he'll be a great source of support for you both. If he doesn't accept you even after you've made it clear that you're not a creep, then at least you can point out to the girl how her friend is irrationally prejudiced about you when you explain why you're not keen on hanging out with him.

  • YarYar Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I believe the problem lies more with the cocktease in this scenario and not the cockblocker.

  • ForarForar #432 Already prepping for Toronto Fan Expo!Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Where there's a will, there's a way. It's all a question of whether she wants to make it happen or not.

    If she's all about getting you alone and tearing one anothers clothes off, a little subtle flirting oughta do it. You two know each other, and if I'm not mistaken, this isn't unwanted or unwarranted attention. However, unless this girl is woefully immature, finding a reason/time/place to ditch the 'cockblocker' should be cake.

    So while he may genuinely be annoying, in the way and cockblocking like a champ, I'm beginning to side with those saying he shouldn't be that big an issue. Are you really that certain that she isn't just enjoying a little flirting with an old flame? If she really wants you in her pants, and you've left clear clues you'd like to be (casually) in her pants, then the third party should be a non-issue.

    sigtwo.png
  • DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited April 2009
    Yar wrote: »
    I believe the problem lies more with the cocktease in this scenario and not the cockblocker.

    It's starting to look a lot like that, yeah.

  • TachTach Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I'd be truthful with the girl in question- just tell her that you want some private time with her when she's in town. If she can't summon the nerve to tell homeboy to sod off for a couple of hours. Don't say anything negative about the guy, don't even bring him up. Just reiterate that you'd like to see her, just the two of you.

    If she can't/won't do that, then she's just not worth the tappin'.

    BNsig.jpg
  • UnknownSaintUnknownSaint Registered User
    edited April 2009
    I regretably haven't been able to keep up with the comments, as I've gotten a lot of what would typically be sound advice. But I told ya'll to trust me on the premise that her and I had something going on. :P

    Anyhow, as an update. Last two nights was out socially with the girl and of course the dude was there. He kicked it up to a whole new level of cockblocking and it got so blatant that she actually verbally destroyed him for being so damned inconsiderate. He actually apologized to me over it. (Through her, though.)

    So yeah, then today everything went down better than expected. High fives all around!

    Also, despite things turning out the way they did I think the last round of comments have been pretty spot on, this was just a very unusual situation given the fact that the girl is strange as heck.

  • ruzkinruzkin Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Oh man, I used to be that cockblocker guy.

    You know what stopped me? The guy I was cockblocking taking me aside and saying "Look, she doesn't fucking want you as anything more than a friend and you hanging around like this is just embarrassing her and making her want to have you around even less. You wanna be her friend? Give her some fucking space and let her make her own decisions. You're not her mother."

    Then I cockblocked him again about a week later and he punched me in the eye and that sorted everything out pretty fast.

    EDIT - also, once I got some distance, DAAAAMN that girl wasn't worth it. She was doing much the same as your girl - making me (and other desperate friends) drive her around and pamper her while she went off to fuck the basketballer. She knew one of my less-attractive friends was infatuated with her so she'd turn up at his place and make him cook for her... while he had a broken knee and was limping around the kitchen on crutches. Nom nom nom, dinner was delicious, oh, basketballer is at the door! Thanks for dinner, broken-knee guy!

    You have to somehow convince this cockblocker that the girl is not worth his time, even if she truly IS worth the time to you.

    KqOm9Bt.jpg
  • FaynorFaynor Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Out of curiosity, how did he ramp up his tactics?

    do you wanna see me eat a hotdog
  • UnknownSaintUnknownSaint Registered User
    edited April 2009
    Faynor wrote: »
    Out of curiosity, how did he ramp up his tactics?

    Pure fucking trickery and just being very blatant about it.

    At a party on the previous night he leaves us outside in the back, saying for us to come get him when we want to get a ride outta there. Within 10 seconds of finally being left alone her and I were on each other, and about 20 seconds later he pops his head out and asks us if we were ready to leave.

    The next night we went out to a diner with about four people, he fucking jumps into the booth next to me so the gal is forced to sit with my buddy. Cockblocker heads to the bathroom, gal switches seats, he gives her shit for it when he gets back because he apparently made it clear to her beforehand that he was gonna share my booth. :|

    Later that night we're hanging out at his place, I'm leaving town and she needs to get back to her house, which is 10 minutes away from his and literally on the way I would be heading out. I mention I could easily drop her off, she agrees, he makes up something about leaving something at her house that he needs to pick up. (Which she informed me today was a lie.)

    Yeah, pretty bad.

  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I still don't quite get why the girl herself couldn't put a stop to all that shit.

    Spoiler:
  • UnknownSaintUnknownSaint Registered User
    edited April 2009
    noir_blood wrote: »
    I still don't quite get why the girl herself couldn't put a stop to all that shit.

    She did, eventually. He was just super manipulative about it.

  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    noir_blood wrote: »
    I still don't quite get why the girl herself couldn't put a stop to all that shit.

    She did, eventually. He was just super manipulative about it.

    Note the part about eye punching up there. Note it well.

    "Well, look at this. Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What's that make us?"
    "Big Damn Heroes, Sir."
    "Ain't we just."
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