I'm gonna spoiler this because I'm gonna be a bummer and y'all got your own problems and shit without adding my bummerness on top of it.
Spoiler:I realized earlier today that I'm, statistically, about a third of the way through my time on this earth. I'll be 24 in about a month, which doesn't seem like a lot, and it really isn't, but I've done nothing with my time thus far. Nothing I can be proud of, that I can point at and say YEAH LOOK AT THAT YOU SON OF A BITCH, I DID THAT.
I was in gifted classes as a youngster. I couldn't hack it, so they booted me out. And I see former classmates of mine on Facebook, and they're travelling or getting started in really great careers, and I'm working 20 hours a week, making minimum wage, and I don't see myself ever doing anything but what I'm doing now.
It's not that I don't want to succeed, obviously. I've just been fucking things up for so long that I don't really remember how.
And, granted, all my old classmates come from extremely wealthy families by and large, but that just feels like an empty ass excuse to me whenever I think "oh, your circumstances put you at a disadvantage." I have so many gifts, y'all. A good brain, a beautiful voice, artistic talent, I used to have athletic talent too before I pissed that away. And so many people I know had such a rougher ride than I did and are making their lives into something to be proud of.
I keep thinking "oh you're still young! Don't worry, you'll figure it out!" But, as time goes on, that little voice in my head gets softer and less confident, and the one that's been telling me to take my final bow and get off the stage while I've still got some dignity left gets louder and more insistent.
I just don't know, man. And the fact that I'm in such a state just makes me feel so goddamn guilty I could choke, because it really ain't anyone's fault but mine. I've squandered all this talent and potential and I've got dick to show for it except two and a half decades of bad memories and worse decisions.
I used to think "you can be better than you are, Tony, you can prove everyone who ever told you that you weren't gonna be nothin wrong" and it just seems like, the more time goes by, the more that window's closing.
I guess I showed everyone who said I'd be dead or in prison by the time I was 25, but I still got me a year left on that one so I guess we'll see.
I would prefer an army system if we're going to stick with 1UPT (which we should); I greatly dislike micromanaging unit carpet movement and spacing. It's tedious. Give me a nice little tactical subsystem and let me build custom armies out of the stock units, I say.
I had to explain to some coworkers today why the repeated use of shortening the word decision isn't going to work.
It is being used in this context:
"So, we need to decide who has the D here?"
"No, it's completely clear, he has the D."
"But, what is I want the D instead?"
After explaining why that won't work, especially with anyone younger in the corporation, I proceeded to have to re-explain it to my boss, and my bosses boss.
I'll take Extremely Awkward conversations for $1000 Alex.