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Tube Hates You: Issue One
Tube
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Welcome to Tube Hates You; a new forum feature in which I solve all your fucking problems! If interest holds I will do this every Tuesday! Email your problem to forumadmin@penny-arcade.com
Dear Tubela,
About a year and a half ago my girlfriend-at-the-time dumped me. It was completely unexpected, I was devastated. As far as I can tell the main reason she broke it off was due to her realization that my gentile nature (she is Jewish) was something she was not going to be able to get over. Spending Christmas with my family was an experience she did not want to repeat.
So over the course of the year I moved on and ended up getting a job that would send me to India for six months. I accepted. All this time I had completely cut off contact with the ex.
When I was about to leave for India I decided to get in contact with her again because it had been a year, I was pretty over it and I felt it would be nice to get my affairs in order before leaving for such a long time. So we got coffee and it was pretty relaxed, the conversation was easy.
So ever since then I have been in india and she has been sending me emails saying things like "I guess I shouldn't say any more for both our sakes" or "I'm going to have to cut this email off before I get emo".
So my question for you: When I get back from India in two months should I resume contact with this girl or leave her out of my life?
PS: I am still quite attracted to her, but I don't pine for her like I did a year ago.
Sleepless In Seattle
Fuck her off. For one thing, a Jewish woman who dumps her SO because they are a gentile is no less morally reprehensible than a white supremacist. You've moved on with your life, gone on an awesome adventure and now she's thinking “oh goodness gracious, he moved on with his life and is a rocking dude who has travelled the world without me!” and wants to get back on the pot. You don't need it.
She's also being cowardly about the way she's expressing this desire. She knows that you shouldn't get back together with her and is using these awful, passive methods to try and draw you out into saying “Oh light of my life! Please, give me another chance, my starling, my nightingale!”. She doesn't deserve it. You don't pine for her any more, because you've realised that there's more to life than this one cowardly bit of flange who considered you unworthy of her because you're not one of God's Chosen People, and you should take advantage of the fact that the worst is over. Just say to her (email her, whatever) that you don't want to be in a relationship with her again and that if that's what she wants maybe it's better if you didn't stay in touch. It's better for both of you.
Next time, once the relationship is over, don't rekindle it. Bridges are rarely worth crossing twice. Concentrate on wooing a new girl with fantastic stories and exotic spices from a faraway land.
Hello, Tube! First time asker, short time reader.
If I am not mistaken, you are planning to move to America?
In any case, I'd like to move to Canada some day and I was wondering if you had any thoughts about what important things there are to remember, plan for, etcetera?
Kind Regards,
Effervescent in Europe
I have never moved to Canada, but here are some things I would recommend you do
1.Get a lawyer who specialises in immigration. They know all the tips and tricks and can let you know of the best way to get an appropriate Visa
2.Save up as much money as you conceivably can
3.Learn to speak Canadian.
4.Work out everything that could conceivably go wrong, plan for it, budget for it.
5.Have an escape route. Be ready to go back home if it all goes tits up and make sure you always have enough money to get a ticket back to Europe
6.Work out where you're going to work, where you're going to live and how you're going to make new friends. Being broke, homeless and lonely will not be very good fun.
7.Have a safety net. Somewhere you can stay if things go tits up
8.Have a fun adventure
So, here in a few weeks I won't have internet for about three months. I will, however, have access to a gym!
I'm a pretty thin guy. 6'1", 147 lbs and I lack a lot of upper body strength.
If I wanted to tone up my chest and arms as well as gain upper body strength, where would I start and how should I proceed?
Signed,
Puny in Punxsutawney
There's two different approaches you could take, depending on whether it is more important for you to look good or be strong. They are both equally valid goals. Either way, the methods to success are 80% the same. Set aside the word “toning”, because what that really means is “visible muscle definition”. Since you're very light, your problem is not that your muscles are covered in fat, it's that they need to be bigger. That doesn't mean you need to aim to look like Arnie, but it does mean you should be commited to gaining muscular weight.
Firstly, you need to get into the gym 3-4 times a week and work on big, compound exercises. By compound exercises I mean exercises that work more than one muscle group. The following are the cornerstones of muscle building
Squats
Deadlifts
Pullups/Chinups
Bench Presses
Shoulder Presses
Rows
A sample program to gain a mixture of size and strength might therefore look like this
Workout A
(exercise/sets/repetitions)
Squat 5 x 8
Bench Press 5x 8
Chinup 5 x 8 or 4 sets to failure
Workout B
Deadlift 5 x 5
Row 5 x 8
Shoulder Press x 5 x 8
With 90 to 120 second rest periods, this should take an hour or less. Start with a light weight and increase it until your form begins to break down. Try and increase the weight you're lifting every week, even if it's only by the smallest amount of weight possible, and make sure you don't miss any workouts. Your week should go
Week 1
Monday Workout A
Wednesday Workout B
Friday Workout A
Week 2
Monday Workout B
Wednesday Workout A
Friday Workout B
As for diet, get used to eating as much protein (chicken, fish, rice, eggs, steak) as possible, supplementing with a protein shake if you can afford it. Eat plenty of green vegetables. At your size, you don't need to be scared of carbs but you should concentrate on eating as much protein as you can conceivably cram down your gullet. You should be looking at three meals a day (say, eggs for breakfast, chicken for lunch and steak for dinner) and a shake before and after your workouts for 5 meals total. Have another big shake (3 scoops) before bed for optimum results, but only if you can do so without interrupting your sleep pattern.
Good luck!
Dear Tube,
A friend-of-a-friend does nothing but complain about their love life even when half the gathering has similar troubles. I don't think being dumped bears constant mention when you're in the presence of a recent divorcee and someone who's just been bereaved, and while this person is clearly causing other people to feel uncomfortable each time they hijack the conversation nobody else has ever called them out on it.
Next time they launch into one of their tirades and bemoan their situation would it be completely out of line for me to, say, point out that they're being self-absorbed and tactless and that they don't have a monopoly on suffering?
Many thanks,
Nervous in Nova Scotia
They're not your friend, it's not really your problem. If you want to be constructive, by all means tell them to be more positive and less self absorbed. That doesn't sound like the case. It sounds like you want to be spiteful, and if you have the option to either be spiteful or not, choose not. If they're that much of a problem, stop hanging out with them.
Dear Cardboard Tube,
I recently broke up with my SO, because I started becoming interesting in someone else. However my SO and I were dating for quite a long time and still wants to be friends with me. However I don't want my SO finding out about my new flame, and vice-versa! I feel guilty for not giving full disclosure to both of them, but I also feel really paranoid about having them find out about one another.
What should I do?
Callapygian in Calgary
Man up, sissy. You should be open and honest with both of them, for different reasons. You should be open with your ex because it's none of his fucking business who you date and if he's secretly holding out for a return to a romantic relationship (which I would bet my nuts on) he needs to be shut down. If he has a temper tantrum, fuck him off and note how majestic and right I am in all things.
You should be honest with your new flame because I can't think of a single reason why you shouldn't. If he kicks up shit about you being friends with your ex, he's a moron and you should fuck him off. If he says “you know he still wants to pork you right?” you should reassure him that this isn't going to happen (and understand that he's right). If he says “why did you keep your ex a secret from me? That's really bizarre” you should accept that as an acceptable response to you doing something that is frankly pretty silly. You're in real danger of losing his trust if you don't cut this shit out.
Why wouldn't you tell him? It strikes me that there may be more to this, but with the information you've given me the answer is to put your fucking cowboy hat on and quit being a sook.
I'm working on a webcomic with a friend. I have two questions related to this.
1) How big of an archive should we get together before we post it?
2) What's the best way to get in touch with other webcomic artists--email them a link? Just get popular and hope they see it?
Asperger's in Alaska
1)Ten comics. That's a completely arbitrary number. If you can't write ten comics in a decent time frame, you shouldn't start a webcomic, and that's enough material for people to decide they like your style.
2)Email them a friendly note with a link and don't expect a response. Put a link in your signature on various forums with an attractive banner and don't constantly reference it or whore it out. If it's good, it'll get a readership. Or it won't, because there are a million webcomics out there and the market is incredibly saturated. Or it will even if it's bad, because that happens.
Tube, maybe you can help me with this, I don't know what to do. I work a job with crazy hours, little compensation, and while the work is generally enjoyable, I'm not sure it's what I want to do with my life. I feel like I have an idea for a reasonably good separate endeavour, and know the necessary people to be able to pull it off with relative success, given the correct time and resources.
To do so, I'd basically have to quit my job.
So, do I stick it out in my conceptually sweet, but soul destroying job, hoping things will get better, or risk it all to attempt to follow my dreams?
Love
Dreamer In Dallas
It depends on how balls out retarded your idea is. Do you have the time, resources and commitment to make your project a success? Is it something that will actually make a return, and not in a “I'm thinking of opening a comic book shop because I like comics” kind of way? Can you afford to live without an income for a significant amount of time while this mystery project gets off the ground (which could take years)? Are you willing to get a shitty part time job in a burger bar if you need to, while still working in your free time to make your project a success?
If so, yes. It's genuinely better to throw your entire sack at your dream than to bitch out and wonder about it for the rest of your life. Don't do it if you're not willing to look your problems in the eye and then spunk right in their face though. Making a half hearted stab at your dream career because work is boring is neither wise nor noble.
Do you crave my knowledge? Send a line to forumadmin@penny-arcade.com. Please give enough information that I can reasonably be expected to know what the fuck you're talking about and give reasonable advice. Names will not be posted.
The views of Cardboard Tube are not now, never will and never have been the views of Penny Arcade. All advice is taken at your own risk. If you like this idea, click my sig and put a dollar in the tip jar.
One Love
Tube
Dear Tubela,
About a year and a half ago my girlfriend-at-the-time dumped me. It was completely unexpected, I was devastated. As far as I can tell the main reason she broke it off was due to her realization that my gentile nature (she is Jewish) was something she was not going to be able to get over. Spending Christmas with my family was an experience she did not want to repeat.
So over the course of the year I moved on and ended up getting a job that would send me to India for six months. I accepted. All this time I had completely cut off contact with the ex.
When I was about to leave for India I decided to get in contact with her again because it had been a year, I was pretty over it and I felt it would be nice to get my affairs in order before leaving for such a long time. So we got coffee and it was pretty relaxed, the conversation was easy.
So ever since then I have been in india and she has been sending me emails saying things like "I guess I shouldn't say any more for both our sakes" or "I'm going to have to cut this email off before I get emo".
So my question for you: When I get back from India in two months should I resume contact with this girl or leave her out of my life?
PS: I am still quite attracted to her, but I don't pine for her like I did a year ago.
Sleepless In Seattle
Fuck her off. For one thing, a Jewish woman who dumps her SO because they are a gentile is no less morally reprehensible than a white supremacist. You've moved on with your life, gone on an awesome adventure and now she's thinking “oh goodness gracious, he moved on with his life and is a rocking dude who has travelled the world without me!” and wants to get back on the pot. You don't need it.
She's also being cowardly about the way she's expressing this desire. She knows that you shouldn't get back together with her and is using these awful, passive methods to try and draw you out into saying “Oh light of my life! Please, give me another chance, my starling, my nightingale!”. She doesn't deserve it. You don't pine for her any more, because you've realised that there's more to life than this one cowardly bit of flange who considered you unworthy of her because you're not one of God's Chosen People, and you should take advantage of the fact that the worst is over. Just say to her (email her, whatever) that you don't want to be in a relationship with her again and that if that's what she wants maybe it's better if you didn't stay in touch. It's better for both of you.
Next time, once the relationship is over, don't rekindle it. Bridges are rarely worth crossing twice. Concentrate on wooing a new girl with fantastic stories and exotic spices from a faraway land.
Hello, Tube! First time asker, short time reader.
If I am not mistaken, you are planning to move to America?
In any case, I'd like to move to Canada some day and I was wondering if you had any thoughts about what important things there are to remember, plan for, etcetera?
Kind Regards,
Effervescent in Europe
I have never moved to Canada, but here are some things I would recommend you do
1.Get a lawyer who specialises in immigration. They know all the tips and tricks and can let you know of the best way to get an appropriate Visa
2.Save up as much money as you conceivably can
3.Learn to speak Canadian.
4.Work out everything that could conceivably go wrong, plan for it, budget for it.
5.Have an escape route. Be ready to go back home if it all goes tits up and make sure you always have enough money to get a ticket back to Europe
6.Work out where you're going to work, where you're going to live and how you're going to make new friends. Being broke, homeless and lonely will not be very good fun.
7.Have a safety net. Somewhere you can stay if things go tits up
8.Have a fun adventure
So, here in a few weeks I won't have internet for about three months. I will, however, have access to a gym!
I'm a pretty thin guy. 6'1", 147 lbs and I lack a lot of upper body strength.
If I wanted to tone up my chest and arms as well as gain upper body strength, where would I start and how should I proceed?
Signed,
Puny in Punxsutawney
There's two different approaches you could take, depending on whether it is more important for you to look good or be strong. They are both equally valid goals. Either way, the methods to success are 80% the same. Set aside the word “toning”, because what that really means is “visible muscle definition”. Since you're very light, your problem is not that your muscles are covered in fat, it's that they need to be bigger. That doesn't mean you need to aim to look like Arnie, but it does mean you should be commited to gaining muscular weight.
Firstly, you need to get into the gym 3-4 times a week and work on big, compound exercises. By compound exercises I mean exercises that work more than one muscle group. The following are the cornerstones of muscle building
Squats
Deadlifts
Pullups/Chinups
Bench Presses
Shoulder Presses
Rows
A sample program to gain a mixture of size and strength might therefore look like this
Workout A
(exercise/sets/repetitions)
Squat 5 x 8
Bench Press 5x 8
Chinup 5 x 8 or 4 sets to failure
Workout B
Deadlift 5 x 5
Row 5 x 8
Shoulder Press x 5 x 8
With 90 to 120 second rest periods, this should take an hour or less. Start with a light weight and increase it until your form begins to break down. Try and increase the weight you're lifting every week, even if it's only by the smallest amount of weight possible, and make sure you don't miss any workouts. Your week should go
Week 1
Monday Workout A
Wednesday Workout B
Friday Workout A
Week 2
Monday Workout B
Wednesday Workout A
Friday Workout B
As for diet, get used to eating as much protein (chicken, fish, rice, eggs, steak) as possible, supplementing with a protein shake if you can afford it. Eat plenty of green vegetables. At your size, you don't need to be scared of carbs but you should concentrate on eating as much protein as you can conceivably cram down your gullet. You should be looking at three meals a day (say, eggs for breakfast, chicken for lunch and steak for dinner) and a shake before and after your workouts for 5 meals total. Have another big shake (3 scoops) before bed for optimum results, but only if you can do so without interrupting your sleep pattern.
Good luck!
Dear Tube,
A friend-of-a-friend does nothing but complain about their love life even when half the gathering has similar troubles. I don't think being dumped bears constant mention when you're in the presence of a recent divorcee and someone who's just been bereaved, and while this person is clearly causing other people to feel uncomfortable each time they hijack the conversation nobody else has ever called them out on it.
Next time they launch into one of their tirades and bemoan their situation would it be completely out of line for me to, say, point out that they're being self-absorbed and tactless and that they don't have a monopoly on suffering?
Many thanks,
Nervous in Nova Scotia
They're not your friend, it's not really your problem. If you want to be constructive, by all means tell them to be more positive and less self absorbed. That doesn't sound like the case. It sounds like you want to be spiteful, and if you have the option to either be spiteful or not, choose not. If they're that much of a problem, stop hanging out with them.
Dear Cardboard Tube,
I recently broke up with my SO, because I started becoming interesting in someone else. However my SO and I were dating for quite a long time and still wants to be friends with me. However I don't want my SO finding out about my new flame, and vice-versa! I feel guilty for not giving full disclosure to both of them, but I also feel really paranoid about having them find out about one another.
What should I do?
Callapygian in Calgary
Man up, sissy. You should be open and honest with both of them, for different reasons. You should be open with your ex because it's none of his fucking business who you date and if he's secretly holding out for a return to a romantic relationship (which I would bet my nuts on) he needs to be shut down. If he has a temper tantrum, fuck him off and note how majestic and right I am in all things.
You should be honest with your new flame because I can't think of a single reason why you shouldn't. If he kicks up shit about you being friends with your ex, he's a moron and you should fuck him off. If he says “you know he still wants to pork you right?” you should reassure him that this isn't going to happen (and understand that he's right). If he says “why did you keep your ex a secret from me? That's really bizarre” you should accept that as an acceptable response to you doing something that is frankly pretty silly. You're in real danger of losing his trust if you don't cut this shit out.
Why wouldn't you tell him? It strikes me that there may be more to this, but with the information you've given me the answer is to put your fucking cowboy hat on and quit being a sook.
I'm working on a webcomic with a friend. I have two questions related to this.
1) How big of an archive should we get together before we post it?
2) What's the best way to get in touch with other webcomic artists--email them a link? Just get popular and hope they see it?
Asperger's in Alaska
1)Ten comics. That's a completely arbitrary number. If you can't write ten comics in a decent time frame, you shouldn't start a webcomic, and that's enough material for people to decide they like your style.
2)Email them a friendly note with a link and don't expect a response. Put a link in your signature on various forums with an attractive banner and don't constantly reference it or whore it out. If it's good, it'll get a readership. Or it won't, because there are a million webcomics out there and the market is incredibly saturated. Or it will even if it's bad, because that happens.
Tube, maybe you can help me with this, I don't know what to do. I work a job with crazy hours, little compensation, and while the work is generally enjoyable, I'm not sure it's what I want to do with my life. I feel like I have an idea for a reasonably good separate endeavour, and know the necessary people to be able to pull it off with relative success, given the correct time and resources.
To do so, I'd basically have to quit my job.
So, do I stick it out in my conceptually sweet, but soul destroying job, hoping things will get better, or risk it all to attempt to follow my dreams?
Love
Dreamer In Dallas
It depends on how balls out retarded your idea is. Do you have the time, resources and commitment to make your project a success? Is it something that will actually make a return, and not in a “I'm thinking of opening a comic book shop because I like comics” kind of way? Can you afford to live without an income for a significant amount of time while this mystery project gets off the ground (which could take years)? Are you willing to get a shitty part time job in a burger bar if you need to, while still working in your free time to make your project a success?
If so, yes. It's genuinely better to throw your entire sack at your dream than to bitch out and wonder about it for the rest of your life. Don't do it if you're not willing to look your problems in the eye and then spunk right in their face though. Making a half hearted stab at your dream career because work is boring is neither wise nor noble.
Do you crave my knowledge? Send a line to forumadmin@penny-arcade.com. Please give enough information that I can reasonably be expected to know what the fuck you're talking about and give reasonable advice. Names will not be posted.
The views of Cardboard Tube are not now, never will and never have been the views of Penny Arcade. All advice is taken at your own risk. If you like this idea, click my sig and put a dollar in the tip jar.
One Love
Tube
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Still livin la visa loca
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I apply for citizenship in a few months. If you can fake a good British accent I'll claim you as my brother or something.
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Way to be anonymous there wimble
I never learn my lesson.
It's easier for me to keep track of if you email me but you can PM me or whatever.
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I could be anyone of those guys!
What are you saying, man? Is there some sort of precedent for exactly that type of question as it pertains to established policies on mod selection? Have I ironically undone my intent by my own efforts?
edit: into the U.S. that is.
XBox LIVE: Bogestrom | Destiny
PSN: Bogestrom