Okay, this is the thread we've all been waiting for. This is the thread where we talk about bad GM's and even worse PC's that you have dealt with in the past. Or even in the present. Some of us just get such stupid people in our groups that they couldn't buy a clue with a downpayment and a mortgage. So, let's hear those tales of tragedy. Especially if they're funny. Let me begin. We had a guy in our college RPG club named Big Dave. Big Dave was about 6'5" and weighed in at well over 400lbs. He also had a propensity for wearing purple, so he got the nickname "Grimace." He also breathed heavy whenever he spoke, kind of like a cross between Jabba the Hutt and Darth Vader. Now, of the many things that he did, Grimace had one annoying trait, and that was to play Gangrels in WoD games. And not just any Gangrels, they had to be half Native American, have a wolf companion and be named... Oh god, this is great. They had to be named Christian Dark. Every Single Fucking Time. Christian Dark also appeared in Shadowrun as a Street Sam, in Cyberpunk as a Solo and even once in Battletech as a mech pilot whose big goal was to drive a Cicada. But I digress. So the first time Grimace shows up with Christian Dark, I look the character over. I let him have the wolf pet and everything else. The wolf died because he never fed it (he refused to Ghoul it, too. Why? "Because I'm Native American and that's against my religion.") Ooookaaaayy. Second time he shows up with Christian Dark, he has made some changes. He's taken a zillion Flaws so that he can start the game off with Protean at 5. I don't know about the newer editions, but in the old 1st and 2nd editions, this gave you the ability to turn into a cloud of mist. However, he didn't take anything else. No Fortitude, no Animalism. The wolf ran away after an hour because he had no Animalism, no Animal Ken skill, and he still refused to ghoul the damn thing. Christian Dark II went down in a blaze of kerosene. He tried to fire-bomb an NPC's house, fucked up the roll, and then tried to escape by turning into mist. On top of that, NO FORTITUDE. So he evaporated himself. Third Christian Dark appearance was in a Sabbat campaign. Again, he did the same thing as last time, almost to the letter, except that he skipped the Wolf Companion bit. At least for a few minutes. So, I get everyone's character in the same area, and they are doing introductions and all that. Anyone not actively participating, I ask them what they are doing. I get to Grimace. "What's Christian Dark doing?" "I'm gonna go steal a Winnebago." "Mmmokay...WHY?" "Cuz I want a Winnebago." "Okay." So six tries later, he finally is able to boost a Winnebago. So now we all want to know what he's doing with it. He decides to drive to the nearest large zoo. After some debate, we declare that the closest large zoos are in Toronto and Detroit (Buffalo has a pitiful zoo). So he drives the four hours to Detroit so he can break into the zoo. "Okay, I know I'm going to regret asking you this, but why are you breaking into the zoo?" "You'll see." Finally, after ten tries at picking the locks, he realizes that he could just turn into a fucking bat and fly over the top of the gate. By this time, everyone is chuckling at him. "Okay, so you fly into the zoo. What are you going to do in there?" "I go and I find the wolf cage." "What?" "They should have a wolf cage, and I want to steal one so I can keep it in my Winnebago so that it don't run off." Pause "Okay, say that again slowly, because my brain just seized up. Are you telling me that you did this just so you could get your fucking wolf companion?" "Uh. Yeah. Hadja fooled, Din't I?" "No, I just figured you'd wait until later on when the game was actually in full swing." "Okay, so I go to break out the wolves." "Dave, there are no wolves in the fucking zoo." "WHY NOT?" "Because wolves aren't kept in zoos. They're a protected species." "OH THAT'S BULLSHIT. How am I supposed to get my fucking wolf?" He actually said that line as if he was about to cry. I shit you not. "Dave, you aren't getting a wolf in the zoo. They don't have them there. Sno-cones, yes. Giraffes, yes. Wolves, no." "Fuck. Dude, this is so fucking stupid. I should be able to get a wolf from the fuckin zoo, dude. COME ON." "Dave, you hear footsteps." "Uh, do they have a bird house thing?" "Like an aviary? Yes." "Fuck, dude. I goes in there. And hide. Fuck. I wanted my wolf." "Fuck the wolf, Dave. The DPD is on your ass now. They saw you standing around looking for a wolf like a drunken idiot." "Okay, what do I see?" "Using Glow of Red Eyes?" "Nuh uh. I don' wanna give myself away, dude." "All you see are four large cages in the corners of the room. One apparently has barn owls in it, because you can see in the light from the window that there is a makeshift barn in the cage." "Okay, I hide in the one next to it, but across from the door." "You hear the footsteps stop at the aviary door, then start up again. Then, something hits you in the head. Take two." "Fuck, dude. I turn around." "You see nothing." "I pop my claws." "Something hits you in the forehead. Take three more." "Fuck, Uh, I soak the damage." He botches. "FUCK DUDE FUCK." "I look down the hall. Do I see anyone?" "No, but you just got hit in the head for another five." Long story short, the cage had a California Condor in it, and it was trying to eat his head, because he smelled like dead flesh to the condor. He ends up crawling out of the aviary with one health level left. The other players (like 9 or 10 of them) are all roaring with laughter. He's giving them all the finger and telling them to fuck off and what-not. Then the guard shows up. I roll two dice to see how lucky he is, and I roll two ones. Dave's luck has just run out. The guardian of the zoo has just shown up, and he's a Werewolf. Chase ensues, starting with his usual escape tactic, "Dude, I mist." "Okay, you move really slowly in this form, and this guy is just going to follow you around." "But dude, I'm mist." "That doesn't make you invisible." "Fuck it. I go to wolf form." "Well, I already told you he was a werewolf, and since he's already in Crinos, changing to Lupus or Hispo isn't that tough." "Fuck, dude (yes, he said that A LOT), I go to bat form." "It takes you a round to change, you realize this?" "So? I gotta get away from this guy." "He snatches you out of the air, wags his finger at you and says, 'ah, ah, ah...you don't get away that easy.'" So instead of just going to human form and trying to talk his way out of it, he goes back to wolf form and bites the werewolf. The werewolf drops him and he manages to run all the way back to the Winnebago. At which point, he turns to human form, jumps in the driver's seat and starts the engine. The werewolf chasing him barrels through the side of the Winnebago and drags him in the back, where he pummels the shit out of him. The Winnebago, mind you, is still going. They get into a claw fight in the back of the Winnebago, and after a few swipes, the Werewolf bails. Dave thinks he's won. No, the werewolf just realized what was going on and bailed before the Winnebago flew off an overpass onto oncoming traffic on the I-696. Again, no Fortitude and four Aggrivated wounds to his name. I roll another luck roll. Double ones again. Chemichal truck inbound at 60mph. Dave looks at me and says, "Fuck it, I can take it. I just wait for the truck to hit, and then I go to mist." I reiterate to him that it takes a full round to change to any form, and that the ensuing explosion will happen instantly. PLUS the fact that this is almost exactly how he died the last time. He bails. The truck smashes through the Winnebago, nothing ignites, and everything is okay. Until Dave says, "Fuck, dude. I'm gonna go find a park or something and take a nap on a bench so's I can heal up." "There's a huge park just the other side of the overpass, you know. It says Detroit Zoological Park." "Cool, I go there." The werewolf chases him around the zoo for several more hours until Dave finally gets smart and ditches in a dumpster. There was a fourth version of Christian Dark, but I nipped that in the bud. He showed up with yet another clone of this infamous asshat, and he even paid the art student down the hall to draw the character on the back of the sheet. "Dave, no Christian Darks allowed. This is going to be a serious campaign. I don't need you destroying Winnebagos and evaporating yourself. I actually want this one to be creepy, okay?" "Fuck, dude. That's bullshit. I even got the drawing for him too, dude."

I love your stories. But I wish I could remember some of my own. It's been too long since I've played anything.

It should be noted that the Detroit zoo does indeed not have wolves.

Although to be fair, I don't think it's just off 696. Anyone from Detroit could tell you that the chances of him going anywhere on 696 are pretty slim. You should have rolled to check and see if there were construction cones everywhere.

The Milwaukee County Zoo does though. He just would've had to pop across the lake to Wisconsin and he'd have been set. I mean it can't take that long to drift there in mist form, can it?

But if he went in mist form, he wouldn't be able to take the Winnebego that he wanted to confine the wolf in.

The Milwaukee County Zoo does though. He just would've had to pop across the lake to Wisconsin and he'd have been set. I mean it can't take that long to drift there in mist form, can it? lol. I wonder if you can skip out on tolls on the I-90 if you went mist form.

So the group I used to role play with in college had some characters in it. One guy would come up with these fantastic and potential great character ideas, use them for several weeks, then get bored with them so he'd tend to turn on the group with them in some manner. One specific instance was right after we fought and nearly killed a blue dragon who was terrorizing a nearby village. It had shapshifted into a human and was travelling in a group of thayan slavers basically healing up. My buddy decided this was the time to turn on the group, divined the location of the dragon, and teleported himself directly there to him. Needless to say the dragon wasn't terribly pleased with one of the guys that nearly owned him showing up to try and deal. Another time his druid was wild shaped into a bird and was flying over a drow outpost to check it out. Several minutes went by where he was trying to figure what he wanted to look for and all the while he was still flying above the drow. The DM got a little impatient and just randomly told him to roll a d20, nothing happend. About a minute later the DM told him to roll another d20, again nothing. By this point you'd think he'd have realized something was up, but nope, he kept dawdling and the third role didn't go so well, he came out of wild shape and fell to the ground in the middle of the drow encampment. Next time we run into him he has the mark of some spider god on his forehead and is completely insane, we parted ways with him at that point. One other friend of mine would sometimes DM games, but he wasn't that good at it. Big encounters in his game would go one of two ways, either we'd completely own the monsters and he'd be all pissed off for the next week or we'd get completely owned by the monsters and his special NPC (read his "character" for the game he's DMing) would have to come in and save us. We quickly realized whenver he DMed he wasn't out to tell an interesting story so much as he was out to beat the PCs, and anything less then us needing his help to win was unacceptable. We stopped letting him DM games. Also, his Rifts Japan game was completely filled with characters from anime and video games, very few if any original characters that he put together.

Once, I was playing a paladin. I was separated from the party out in the wilderness, and after maybe two days with no food, I killed a deer and made a fire to eat it. The DM informed me that I had fallen from grace for killing an innocent, and that hunting was against my lawful good alignment.

Another time his druid was wild shaped into a bird and was flying over a drow outpost to check it out. Several minutes went by where he was trying to figure what he wanted to look for and all the while he was still flying above the drow. The DM got a little impatient and just randomly told him to roll a d20, nothing happend. About a minute later the DM told him to roll another d20, again nothing. By this point you'd think he'd have realized something was up, but nope, he kept dawdling and the third role didn't go so well, he came out of wild shape and fell to the ground in the middle of the drow encampment. Next time we run into him he has the mark of some spider god on his forehead and is completely insane, we parted ways with him at that point. This is sort of weird. As far as I know, Wild Shape can't be dispelled (since you have effectively turned into that creature type, dispelling or being in an anti-magic field just means you can't turn into a different form). I'm actually currently playing a fairly high level druid in a game and that character spends a lot of time in Wild Shape, so if this is wrong, it would be good to know. While this guy probably deserved to get jobbed, I think he got jobbed. EDIT: Once, I was playing a paladin. I was separated from the party out in the wilderness, and after maybe two days with no food, I killed a deer and made a fire to eat it. The DM informed me that I had fallen from grace for killing an innocent, and that hunting was against my lawful good alignment. Wow, is there a thread yet for DM's who enjoy being dicks to screw over their players? EDIT2: Heh, should have read the OP a bit more carefully...

Also, his Rifts Japan game was completely filled with characters from anime and video games, very few if any original characters that he put together. One of my friends was GM'ing a Rifts game that was set in South America. After battling hordes of Vampires, killing off a Vampire Intelligence and banishing the drought demon from those lands, along with various other shenanigans, we discovered the real goal of his game; He recreated Starcraft in Rifts form and had us face the Zerg. Early in this second chapter of the campaign, two of the other players decided that they wanted to turn on the rest of the group and hijack the AC-29 Air Castle bomber that we'd been given for services rendered (stripped of much of its armament and gutted to provide space for troops and gear). In a very nasty battle on board the plane and while in the air, one of the conspirators (a White Tiger borg from Rifts: Russia) then turned on the other (a Coalition Special Forces operative) and killed him. I then killed the borg, and we decided that it was time for a fresh group to form up and continue. Having participated in wiping out the aforementioned Intelligence with my NGR Power Armour Pilot, that campaign ended with two of my characters being effectively personally responsible for committing genocide (the latter being a killing stroke by my CS Zapper / Sniper).

Once, I was playing a paladin. I was separated from the party out in the wilderness, and after maybe two days with no food, I killed a deer and made a fire to eat it. The DM informed me that I had fallen from grace for killing an innocent, and that hunting was against my lawful good alignment. ...wow. Was the deer secretly a druid, or something? I mean, were it me, I'd be all "FUCK YEAH" and roll up a Blackguard, but somehow I doubt that'd fly. Plus it would be unbelievably silly.

I once played this D&D game with this kid named Andy. He was quite possibly the most socially inept person in the world. Anyway, he decided he wanted to run a game and we all played to be nice. IT... WAS... HORRIBLE. His DMing style was basically "Here's a hoop, jump through it." Well, that quickly got boring and we started doing the opposite of what he wanted us to do. This reached a glorious peak when we came across a bridge that we had to cross that was guarded by a sizable force of NPCs. Conveniently, the bridge was adjacent to a "dry, wooden house." Well, being the rogue of the group, I wanted to break into the house. The DM then points out that there are large barrels of whale oil next to the house... I quote, "highly flammable, whale oil." I, of course, move the whale oil because I wouldn't want the house to catch fire while I'm robbing it. Then there was a lit torch laying on the ground, precariously close to the house. I, of course, move it. I don't want to burn alive after all. This kept going with the DM adding more and more incomprehensible ways of setting this house on fire and we completely ignored every one of them. Good times.

We once were playing a D&D game, I picked a Paladin and named him Sir Rounded. Everytime I tired to go up to another character and introduce myself I would laugh for about 15-20 mins straight. Other Character "Hi, I am Bob the Destroyer" Me: "Hi, I'm Sir Rounded" (at this point I would be crying on the floor I was laughing so hard) After a while I had to start rolling somekind of save to see if my laughinh would be carried out by my character. Eventually the GM suceeded in killing my chracter off, and I rerolled as a chracter with a normal name. To this day I still can't say that line without laughing.

Me: "Hi, I'm Sir Rounded" (at this point I would be crying on the floor I was laughing so hard) heh... I had to say that out loud before I got it. I had one guy in a game I was running decide he wanted to play an evil character. Now, normally I don't allow evil characters, but this guy was... an exception. The group had been playing together a while and he had just walked by (we were playing in a dorm lounge) and finagled his way into playing. He wasn't someone that most of the people even LIKED, and I won't go into why I even let him play. The group had been given a mission to track down and retrieve a big bad mystical book, and been told in no uncertain terms that under NO circumstances were they to open the book. Yep, he opened it. Then got pissed when a big nasty lightning bolt shot out of the book and burned him to ashes. Then got even more pissed when the rest of the group didn't gather up the ashes and take him back to town to be resurrected / reincarnated / whatever.

I played in a vampire game. Oh yes, it was one of "those" games. Towards the end of the campaign (before we all gave up and split apart ) a mystical hobo-shaman provided the characters with a big school bus, complete with hidden compartments in the floor of the bus for vampires to hide in. The bus was provided so that we, the players, could ride around (ridin' dirty?) in the daytime. The problem, of course, was that we didn't have a driver. So the hobo-shaman lent us his son to drive the vampire school bus. His son was only 15 or so, so he couldn't actually drive the bus. But that wasn't a problem. He just shapeshifted into a werewolf and carried the bus. Through the air. Because he was a flying werewolf. Yeah. I later ran a vampire game which spawned the most awesome character of all time, the player affectionally naming him "Angry Whitey!" Angry Whitey was basically a response to the sometimes obnoxious over-dramatic nature of WoD games. I've already told this story a few times so I don't want to make it a long one, but Angry Whitey was basically Micheal Douglas from "Falling Down" as a vampire, and used a baseball bat instead of an actually effective weapon in combat because "it means I get to hit them more!" That was an..... amusing game

I played in a vampire game. Oh yes, it was one of "those" games. Towards the end of the campaign (before we all gave up and split apart ) a mystical hobo-shaman provided the characters with a big school bus, complete with hidden compartments in the floor of the bus for vampires to hide in. The bus was provided so that we, the players, could ride around (ridin' dirty?) in the daytime. The problem, of course, was that we didn't have a driver. So the hobo-shaman lent us his son to drive the vampire school bus. His son was only 15 or so, so he couldn't actually drive the bus. But that wasn't a problem. He just shapeshifted into a werewolf and carried the bus. Through the air. Because he was a flying werewolf. Yeah. I later ran a vampire game which spawned the most awesome character of all time, the player affectionally naming him "Angry Whitey!" Angry Whitey was basically a response to the sometimes obnoxious over-dramatic nature of WoD games. I've already told this story a few times so I don't want to make it a long one, but Angry Whitey was basically Micheal Douglas from "Falling Down" as a vampire, and used a baseball bat instead of an actually effective weapon in combat because "it means I get to hit them more!" That was an..... amusing game Flying werewolf....awesome!

I'm Sir Rounded...lol I didn't get it either at first. Okay this one time, doesn't really count towards a bad GM or anything but, we were playing the Star Wars RP and our one friend always used droids. ALWAYS. No biological characters just droids. Anyway he had an R2 unit and we were being assaulted by a squad of stormtroopers. I stuffed the R2 unit of his with thermal detonators and then threw it at the troopers. Good times.

PK, I love your stories.

In my Dark Sun game, one of my players has specialized all the way into having a ridicilously strong mount. He uses all his spells/money increasing the mounts strength instead of his own. This in a world in which the main way of moving large amounts of goods is mind controlling a dinosaur to haul it for you. To top it off, the mount has a natural will save of about +3. So about every 4th fight, his mount gets dominated and starts attacking the party instead. It has killed a rich trader they had sworn to protect, it has been used to attack a friendly tribe of ex-slaves to alienate them, it has nearly bitten it's owner in half, it has escaped once (it can burrow thanks to a magic item) carrying a gift for a sorceror-king, and no matter what happens, the player seems oblivious to protecting his mount from such attacks. Now we're running the "Road of Fire" campaign, which features 5 high level psionicists as main enemies.... this is going to be fun. To top it off, the monster is now such a one-of-a-kind monstrosity (It has armor, some kind of bite enhancing fake teeth, it can burrow, it has spikes) that he is notorious throughout the tablelands (they've visited most of the cities with it).

My first ever game of Dungeons and Dragons was my friend's makeshift Star Wars campaign. Since none of the people actually playing had ever played KOTOR II, he decided to make that the campaign setting. The DM is fantastic, I mean, he owns, and I am not shitting you here, three thousand dollars worth of DnD books. He has read every single one of them front to back, and he knows how to improvise in situations and punish idiocy. There is only one problem with him; his cousin. His cousin bullies him into doing whatever he wants. It just so happened that this cousin was playing with us, and somehow got to be a secret jedi. Basically, he was a Jedi, and none of us knew it. Well, until he started fucking with us for no good god-damned reason He'd start mind-tricking us into things. Here is where it's important to note that I was playing a Wookie, and my good friend was playing a Twi'lek. So, the douchebag Jedi-cousin decides to put on a bit of a show. He tries to mind-trick me into raping the Twi'lek. On a side-note, the first time he tried, the only way I could have beaten it was to roll a natural twenty. After being assured it was impossible for a noob, and after my loud protests of "Just watch, I'll roll the hell out of this d20." Which I did. Natch 20. He tries again the next turn, and I fail. I now start making violent sexual advancements on our twi'lek fencer. He fails the grapple check. Insertion happens. God that was such a terrible introduction to DnD. Thank God I actually liked it.

In my Dark Sun game, one of my players has specialized all the way into having a ridicilously strong mount. He uses all his spells/money increasing the mounts strength instead of his own. This in a world in which the main way of moving large amounts of goods is mind controlling a dinosaur to haul it for you. To top it off, the mount has a natural will save of about +3. So about every 4th fight, his mount gets dominated and starts attacking the party instead. It has killed a rich trader they had sworn to protect, it has been used to attack a friendly tribe of ex-slaves to alienate them, it has nearly bitten it's owner in half, it has escaped once (it can burrow thanks to a magic item) carrying a gift for a sorceror-king, and no matter what happens, the player seems oblivious to protecting his mount from such attacks. Now we're running the "Road of Fire" campaign, which features 5 high level psionicists as main enemies.... this is going to be fun. To top it off, the monster is now such a one-of-a-kind monstrosity (It has armor, some kind of bite enhancing fake teeth, it can burrow, it has spikes) that he is notorious throughout the tablelands (they've visited most of the cities with it). not to be a jerk, but it sounds like you're going out of your way to punish the pc for doing this.

In my Dark Sun game, one of my players has specialized all the way into having a ridicilously strong mount. He uses all his spells/money increasing the mounts strength instead of his own. This in a world in which the main way of moving large amounts of goods is mind controlling a dinosaur to haul it for you. To top it off, the mount has a natural will save of about +3. So about every 4th fight, his mount gets dominated and starts attacking the party instead. It has killed a rich trader they had sworn to protect, it has been used to attack a friendly tribe of ex-slaves to alienate them, it has nearly bitten it's owner in half, it has escaped once (it can burrow thanks to a magic item) carrying a gift for a sorceror-king, and no matter what happens, the player seems oblivious to protecting his mount from such attacks. Now we're running the "Road of Fire" campaign, which features 5 high level psionicists as main enemies.... this is going to be fun. To top it off, the monster is now such a one-of-a-kind monstrosity (It has armor, some kind of bite enhancing fake teeth, it can burrow, it has spikes) that he is notorious throughout the tablelands (they've visited most of the cities with it). not to be a jerk, but it sounds like you're going out of your way to punish the pc for doing this. Mind controlling psionics is rampant in Dark Sun. Psionicist in DS is as common (or maybe more common, since everyone has latent psionic talents) then magic in forgotten realms) Every trade caravan they meet has several psionicists in them who specialize is dominating animals. Every city employs psionicists to make sure they keep their power. There is a secret group of psionicists known for their thirst for power. He knows this,because this is his second character in the campaign (the first being a defiler who got killed off because he defiled in plain sight in Tyr). Dark Sun is a nasty, nasty place, where the only people who get to live have be devious, and by default people screw you over on everything. He has a lot of money to spend on whatever he could (including limited magic items) But doesn't touch the will save of his animal, ever. To make a comparison, the current campaign (which is boxed, not written by me) has the players encounter at least 8 different encounters where the main antagonist has dominated people into attacking them.

My first ever game of Dungeons and Dragons was my friend's makeshift Star Wars campaign. Since none of the people actually playing had ever played KOTOR II, he decided to make that the campaign setting. The DM is fantastic, I mean, he owns, and I am not shitting you here, three thousand dollars worth of DnD books. He has read every single one of them front to back, and he knows how to improvise in situations and punish idiocy. There is only one problem with him; his cousin. His cousin bullies him into doing whatever he wants. It just so happened that this cousin was playing with us, and somehow got to be a secret jedi. Basically, he was a Jedi, and none of us knew it. Well, until he started fucking with us for no good god-damned reason He'd start mind-tricking us into things. Here is where it's important to note that I was playing a Wookie, and my good friend was playing a Twi'lek. So, the douchebag Jedi-cousin decides to put on a bit of a show. He tries to mind-trick me into raping the Twi'lek. On a side-note, the first time he tried, the only way I could have beaten it was to roll a natural twenty. After being assured it was impossible for a noob, and after my loud protests of "Just watch, I'll roll the hell out of this d20." Which I did. Natch 20. He tries again the next turn, and I fail. I now start making violent sexual advancements on our twi'lek fencer. He fails the grapple check. Insertion happens. God that was such a terrible introduction to DnD. Thank God I actually liked it. Dude. I would have SO kicked the shit out of that guy for that.

My first ever game of Dungeons and Dragons was my friend's makeshift Star Wars campaign. Since none of the people actually playing had ever played KOTOR II, he decided to make that the campaign setting. The DM is fantastic, I mean, he owns, and I am not shitting you here, three thousand dollars worth of DnD books. He has read every single one of them front to back, and he knows how to improvise in situations and punish idiocy. There is only one problem with him; his cousin. His cousin bullies him into doing whatever he wants. It just so happened that this cousin was playing with us, and somehow got to be a secret jedi. Basically, he was a Jedi, and none of us knew it. Well, until he started fucking with us for no good god-damned reason He'd start mind-tricking us into things. Here is where it's important to note that I was playing a Wookie, and my good friend was playing a Twi'lek. So, the douchebag Jedi-cousin decides to put on a bit of a show. He tries to mind-trick me into raping the Twi'lek. On a side-note, the first time he tried, the only way I could have beaten it was to roll a natural twenty. After being assured it was impossible for a noob, and after my loud protests of "Just watch, I'll roll the hell out of this d20." Which I did. Natch 20. He tries again the next turn, and I fail. I now start making violent sexual advancements on our twi'lek fencer. He fails the grapple check. Insertion happens. God that was such a terrible introduction to DnD. Thank God I actually liked it. Dude. I would have SO kicked the shit out of that guy for that. Dude, as a GM I would have so obliterated his next 3-4 characters for that.